Manhood: The Rise and Fall of the Penis (33 page)

mouths. The assumption was that if the dead man went to heaven, he would at least no longer be able to experience any sexual pleasure . . .

More or less the same happened during the war in former Yugoslavia, when prisoners-of-war, it is said, were forced to eat the penises of their dead brothers-in-arms.

The ancient Egyptians practised penis amputation on a grand scale.

In about 1300 bc the Egyptian commander Menephta returned from a campaign in what is now Lebanon, bringing with him 1,235 severed penises as war trophies! This deed is commemorated in hieroglyphics on a monument in Karnak. In the Bible (i Samuel 18) we are told how Saul dispatches his son-in-law-to-be to fetch his bride-price: a hundred Philistine foreskins. In fact it was Saul’s vengeful intention that David should perish in the attempt. However, David succeeds in securing not a hundred but two hundred foreskins, and Saul gives David the hand of his daughter Michal in marriage.

‘Torture’ by women has also been reported. In the chapter in which he explains why he firmly believes that the penis is considerably more sensitive than the vagina, the sexologist Havelock Ellis mentions a man who consulted him with a swollen, itchy penis:

The wife, the night previous, on advice of friends, had injected pure carbolic acid into the vagina just previous to coitus. The husband, ignorant of the fact, experienced untoward burning and smarting during and after coitus, but thought little of it, and soon fell asleep. The next morning there were large blisters on the penis, but it was no longer painful.

At the time of the consultation the foreskin was retracted and puffy, the whole penis was swollen, and there were large raw patches on both sides of the glans.

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Perverse thoughts

It is impossible to write about erection problems without dealing with the question of abnormal, deviant or perverse sexuality. The modern view is that a sexual act is not perverse provided it is performed by adults and that neither of the partners suffers any physical or mental harm. This makes it extremely difficult to establish criteria for what is supposedly normal and what is perverse. Take anal sex, for example.

In the past Dutch farmers were wont to distinguish between their wives’

weekday and Sunday holes (I’m afraid I’ve forgotten which orifice was associated with the Lord’s Day).

Speaking of beastly thoughts: the Roman emperor Nero was subject to waves of incredibly capricious erotic fury. He often cloaked himself in animal skins, disguised now as a wolf, now as a lion, now as a swan, now as a bull. He would then attack chained prisoners, clawing them, biting them or mutilating them for his pleasure. In orgies he sometimes assumed the woman’s role. He was convinced that no one was free of some kind of taint, and that no one was chaste, such are the apocryphal stories surrounding him. The wretched Nero died weeping in the arms of his wife Sporus. She was very careful that her blood did not mingle with that of her bestial husband, whose whole body was covered in stinking sores as a result of his endless sexual dis sipation.

Whatever the case, sexual perversity is difficult to define, mainly because opinions differ according to time and place. In his wonderful book
The Inner Brothel
, Hans Plomp (1944) describes the adventures, as amusing as they are weird, of a perverse art critic. Though Plomp is not usually counted among the ‘greats’ of literature, for initiates he is a woman-friendly writer, which is greatly to his credit. In the book Barels the art critic becomes virtually impotent after a particularly unpleasant experience during intercourse. He has secretly turned the mirrors of his wife’s dressing table in such a way that he will be able to observe himself during copulation. He hopes that she will fall asleep as usual during their lovemaking. That will give him plenty of time to play the voyeur . . .

One evening he is very insistent and though she isn’t in the mood at all, she lets him have his way. As expected, she quickly falls asleep.

Actually he quite likes that, as he can’t stand her staring up at him while he is pumping away on top of her: she always has such an uninterested, disdainful expression. He carefully pulls the covers back. The sleeping woman gives a brief grunt when disturbed, but doesn’t wake. Barels looks in the window behind him. There is only one lamp on the bedside table, but he can still see his pasty white buttocks reflected in the 173

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glass. He strains to get a better look, and suddenly he freezes. In the mirror he sees his wife’s lower body, though lying on it is not himself, Barels, but a mangy grey-white dog with bare patches on its back and behind. The animal leers disgustingly at him. Barels catches his breath and lies absolutely still. Barels raises an arm, and a front paw is raised in perfect time. He breaks out in a sweat:

He reaches for the light cord at the head of the bed and pulls on it. In the light he can see the animal quite clearly. It looks like a scurfy jackal. Barels groans in horror and to his astonishment it sounds like the growling of a dog. His wife is immediately wide awake. ‘What are you lying there howling like a dog for? Please let me get some rest. I’ve got a headache and you’re clammy with sweat.’

‘Can’t you see anything different about me?’ asked Barels.

She looked at him again with that disdain of hers. Then she said: ‘You’re a bit like a drowned dog, but that’s nothing unusual.’

From that that night on Barels is virtually impotent. His few attempts turn into miserable failures. To make matters worse he has weak intestines, which gurgle dreadfully when he has just got into bed. Barels also confesses that he has found the cure for his impotence in the diaries of James Joyce, the Irish genius who knew no greater pleasure than lying under his wife’s bottom so that she could relieve herself over him.

Hadn’t Joyce also written: ‘The smallest things give me a wonderful hard-on – a brown stain on the back of your panties.’ After Barels’ confession his wife decides to leave.

Hans Plomp’s story shows convincingly that every man is sus ceptible to perverse, bestial fantasies. What matters is what you do or don’t do with them! Shouting them from the rooftops doesn’t seem like a good idea – unless you want to make money out of them, of course.

Elvis Presley

On 28 October 1957 in the Pan Pacific Auditorium in Los Angeles Elvis Presley gave a legendary performance, his first in the city where he lived. A horde of stars with their children had turned up for the first of the two shows, in which Elvis shocked his audience with the steamiest, horniest antics most of them had ever seen. These involved an on-stage replica of Nipper, the famous mascot of the rca record label. Elvis came on stage in the celebrated gold jacket and black wide-legged 174

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trousers, and for an hour gyrated his hips across the stage. But it was his last song that produced the headline: ‘Elvis Presley will have to clean up his show – or go to jail.’ No one knew what got into him, but when he launched into ‘Hound Dog’ his eyes had a wild look, and his pupils were dilated, as if he were very far away. He did the unthinkable: he began unbuttoning his trousers at the waist and pulling down the zip.

The audience, already whipped into a frenzy by the sexual undertones of the show, went crazy.

With his trousers undone – though not dropped – Elvis grabbed hold of Nipper. He forced the animal against his crotch and started making masturbatory gestures. When the audience went completely wild, Elvis started rolling about on the floor with the replica of Nipper in a perfect imitation of bestiality. It was deeply shocking. The next day the vice squad arrived in suits with official warnings and a video camera. Elvis toned things down and Nipper’s double came through the show unscathed.

Elvis would soon acquire the nickname of The King, but ironically the supposedly dangerous rock ’n’ roll idol was anything but a sexual glutton. He wasn’t that keen on intercourse, though he did like fellatio.

This was connected with the fact that his mother had taught him that sex before marriage was a sin, and recalls Bill Clinton’s proverbial protestation: ‘I did not have sex with that woman!’ Virtually impotent from medication and recreational drugs, Elvis departed this life on 16

August 1977, at the age of 42.

Solutions

Spanish fly, musk, garlic, grey amber (made from rotting whale intestine), vanilla, phosphorus, saffron, opium, chocolate, truffles, mush-rooms, asparagus, strychnine, parsnips, ginger, cocoa, figs, calves’

brains, shellfish, pickled meat, French beans, dried peas, red wine, marrowbone, fresh egg yolk, aromatic showers focused on the ‘area’, cold enemas, all kinds of mineral water, acupuncture, electropuncture, galvanic currents, electric friction, cauterization of the prostate, rest cures, milk straight from a nursing mother, are just a fraction of what has been recommended as a cure for potency problems.

Spanish fly is traditionally the best-known substance. It is made of the dried and powdered insects of the species
Lytta vesicatoria
from Southern and Central Europe and in Asia, which are about 2 cm long.

The active ingredient is cantharidine, which when applied to the skin causes a powerful rash. Scientifically, the operation of the sub stance comprises both inhibition of phosphodiesterase and protein phosphatase activity and stimulation of beta receptors, causing vaso- congestion and 175

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inflammatory reactions. An oral dose of 5 mg gives a powerful stimulus to the urogenital system, but this dose can also cause severe kidney damage. Other side-effects include a burning sensation in the mouth, nausea, vomiting blood, blood in urine, epileptic fits and arrhythmia.

If Spanish fly has always been the best-known aphrodisiac, in the pre-Viagra period yohimbine was considered the best. At the end of 2006 the outgoing conservative-liberal Dutch government banned its use in herbal mixtures because of possible side-effects. Yohimbe bark comes from
Pausintyalia yohimbe
, a variety of tree from tropical West Africa. The South American quebracho tree (
Aspidosperma-quebrach-blanco
) also provides yohimbine. The substance inhibits the sympathetic nervous system. In high doses it is supposed to increase the blood supply to the sexual organs. If it is injected into the brains of rats, the number of copulations increases. Partly for this reason it is thought that yohimbine acts mainly on the brain. The scientists are agreed that yohimbine’s possible effect is confined to psychogenic ed. The recommended dose is 10 mg daily, and possible side-effects are dramatic: heavy perspiration, giddiness, palpitations, falling blood pressure, overexcitement, trembling of the hands, insomnia, restlessness, hyperventilation, rashes, nausea and vomiting. An excellent move by an outgoing government!

In Greek mythology Aphrodite was the goddess of love and beauty, the daughter of Uranus, the personification of heaven. She has given her name to the term aphrodisiacs. Since the beginnings of recorded history man has been interested in aphrodisiacs, and in every culture people prepare love potions in the hope of restoring their potency or increasing it at will. The oldest description of an aphrodisiac is to be found in the Museum of Turkish and Islamic Arts in Istanbul, where a clay tablet from the thirteenth century BC contains the following (Hittite) cuneiform inscription:

If the man’s potency wanes in the month of Nisannu, you must catch a male partridge, pluck it, wring its neck and salt it; next mash it together with the Dadanu plant. Serve this mash in beer, after which you will soon see that potency is restored.

You can do the same with the penis of a male partridge, the saliva of a bull with an erect penis or of a goat with an erection.

Then take a sheep and make a ball of its tail hair and wool from the perineum. Tie this to the man’s thigh bone and his potency will return.

Genesis (30:14–17) also contains references to an aphrodisiac: 176

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And Reuben went in the days of the wheat harvest, and found mandrakes in the field, and brought them unto his mother Leah. Then Rachel said to Leah, Give me, I pray thee, some of thy son’s mandrakes.

And she said unto her, Is it a small matter that thou hast taken my husband? And wouldest thou take away my son’s mandrakes also? And Rachel said, Therefore he shall lie with thee to night for thy son’s mandrakes.

And Jacob came out of the field in the evening, and Leah went to meet him, and said, Thou must come in unto me; for surely I have hired thee with my son’s mandrakes. And he lay with her that night.

And God hearkened unto Leah, and she conceived, and bare Jacob the fifth son.

Mandrake is mentioned in one other place in the Old Testament, in The Song of Solomon 7:13: ‘The mandrakes give a smell, and at our gates are all manner of pleasant fruits, new and old . . .’ Mandrakes could be found while harvesting. They were extremely rare and were sought after not only for their wonderful scent, but because they were a cure for infertility. They contain mucous material, sugar, resin, non-volatile oil, tannin and various salts.

In Southern Europe it was believed for centuries that the mandrake grew mainly in places where criminals were hanged. According to tradition while in their death throes on the gallows they not only had an erection but also ejaculated. This sperm, consigned to the ground under extraordinary circumstances, was supposed to produce fertile ground for the mandrake. Christ’s agony on the cross is almost never depicted with an erection. I am aware of only one exception: Maarten van Heemskerck’s painting of Jesus that hangs in Ghent, which displays not only the stigmata of his crucifixion but also an erect penis.

The association between strangulation and sexual excitement was later also a theme in the books of the Marquis de Sade.

The ancient Druids venerated the mistletoe, an evergreen, sticky, globe-shaped parasitic bush that lives on trees and never makes contact with Mother Earth, which they saw as a magic plant. The Gauls regarded it as a gift from the gods implanted in trees by lightning. They considered it a bad omen when parts of the plants fell out of the tree.