Manipulation (Shadows) (12 page)

TWENTY-ONE

Addison

I now fall into the crazy-stalker category. I’m sitting across the street from Dean’s apartment building with his brother’s address in my hands. It’s taken Dean years to try to find his brother. But I know where he is, and I can’t wait to tell him. I’ve walked up and down the short street two or three times. No one answered his door.

I’m glad I d
ressed simple today—
T-shirt and jeans. I already feel like I stand out here. I realize quickly that there might be another door
into his building
or something. I can’t believe I didn’t think of that earlier. Maybe I’ll check Starbucks again.

I see Dean’s dark hair and bright smile from across the street. He’s walking next to a girl. My gut twists. It shouldn’t. I mean, we’re not specifically dating or anything. It’s just that I thought…

She leans forward and kisses him on the cheek, and
he doesn’t move away
. I’m an idiot. She’s tiny and cute and has funky hair that I could never get away with. She’s sort of my opposite—or really, everything I’m not. I’m such an idiot. I spin around and start to walk up the sidewalk. I just need around the
corner but everything’s blurry.

What was I thinking just showing up like this?

“Addison!” Dean calls.

I continue up the street.

“Addison!” Louder this time.

I keep walking.

“Oh come on!” He knows I can hear him.

I stop, rest my weight on one leg
,
and turn to face him. He got to me fast. I’d have to run to get away, and that seems a little childish.

“I didn’t want to interrupt.”
Oh.
That came out bitchier than I mean for it to.

“That was Katy. The one I told you about? She drug me out of… Well, she drug me out for coffee so she could tell me that she spent the night with her boyfriend.”

“Is that the kind of thing you two normally talk about?” It seems so personal.

“Not when I can escape it.” A corner of his mouth pulls up.

His eyes. Now that I’m standing two feet from him, I can’t believe I stayed away for so long. I’m just still thrown off by how casual they are with each other.
I’ve never had a guy friend who I was that comfortable with.

“Are you jealous?” He’s trying not to smile.

Completely
. “No, it’s just…”

“I told you already. She’s like my sister.”

“Okay, whatever.” I do my best to keep my voice light, as if I don’t care at all. But relief floods through me anyway, and I know he can see it on my face because I swear since the first day we met he just
knows
. He knows me. He knows it all. And it’s both freeing and terrifying all at the same time.

I reach over and take his hand, immediately feeling the pull on my brain that he wanted me to take his hand, but I recognize it from him, which makes it okay. He’s not trying to make me do anything, just thinking the same thing I am. I think.

“I found Jeremy,” I blurt.

“What?” His eyes get wide.

I’ve never seen anything like the look on his face. It’s relief and happiness and love. It’s worth it, even though I had to watch
Katy
, kiss him.

“What… How…” His mouth opens like three times to say something. “You did this for me?”

“Someone else did this for me.” I shrug. But I don’t feel like shrugging. I want to enjoy this moment with him.

“Addie, you have no idea.” He snatches me into a hug.

I melt. He’s warm and soft and kind and feels wonderful next to me, arms around my waist.  We’re normally a bit conscious about touching but this moment is all his and all mine and is part of not only him and his brother, but something we’ve been working toward together.

I never want to move.

“Please say you’ll come with me.” He steps back, keeping our hands together.

“Let go of me and ask me again.” What was that? And why don’t I trust him? I wanted to go before he asked. Maybe the whole Chase betrayal thing threw me more than I want to admit. Dean’s pulled a few little pranks, but this is important, he wouldn’t manipulate me over this, would he?

“Oh come on.” His head tilts to the side. “Are we still there? Really?”

“I don’t know.” But the unease is creeping in again. Am I feeling what I really feel, or what Dean wants me to feel? What’s wrong with me?

He lets go of my hands. “Addison Prince, will you please come with me. There’s someone special I want you to meet—the only member of my family I have. Please come.” Sincerity fills every word, and as he leans closer I can smell the sweetness of whatever he just ate.

I feel guilty for making him let go of me. “I’d love to. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” He reaches out and takes my hand again. He’s so full of emotion right now that his thoughts and feelings hit me hard. I want this. He wants this. He’s excited and afraid and I’m excited and afraid for different reasons. The thoughts and feeling spin around in my head and start to make me crazy.

“Would you relax?” He chuckles. “We’re walking down the street, and I want to hold your hand, can we handle that?”

“I…” I don’t know. How insane? I don’t know if I can handle just touching him?

“Fine.” He jerks his hand away, stares at the address, and I’m sorry again.

“Please.” I take his arm.

“Forget it, Addie.” He won’t look at me.

What’s wrong with me? It should be simple, right? Hold hands, walk down the street. Easy.

The problem is what I feel and what he feels mixes together when we touch, and I can’t unscramble my wants from his. I’ll have to trust Dean in a whole new way to get to that point with him.

“Wait.” I keep walking, but I’ve hit this realization that feels significant.

“What?”

“How will we ever recognize being manipulated from the other?”

“What are you talking abou
t, Addie?” His smirk is back as
his eyes hit mine.

“I mean, if you want to hold my hand, as soon as I touch you, I
’ll
want to also because you’re feeling it and you’re making me feel it and—”

“Or.” He stops on the sidewalk, and I stop next to him. “It’ll intensify the feelings we’re already having and everything will be even better.”

I’m melting into Dean right now, through his hand, my feet into the pavement. What if he’s right? Will everything with him feel that much better than it normally would? Will
everything
we do together be as intense as the few moments we’ve shared? The look in his eyes and the feel of his breath on my face tells me that yes, that’s exactly right.

I break out in shivers of anticipation
of what Dean and I might do together
. People pass us, bump into us. The sidewalks are filling up. I don’t care. Feeling his lips on mine becomes a need. I ache for the loss of us as close as could be right now.

Kiss me.
The words float into my head like they always do when we touch. I jerk my hand from his. “Stop that!” I can’t believe he’d taint a kiss by trying to tell me what to do.

He blinks a few times, looking shocked. I turn away and start walking.

“Wait, Addie.” He reaches out and takes my arm. I can feel his thought creeping in.
Stop. Please.

I jerk my arm away and keep walking. “You can’t keep doing this to me. It’s not funny.” Why would he do that? Why would he turn what we have, whatever we have, into something he’s just trying to
get
by telling me to do it?

“Addie. Stop.” He jogs a few steps toward me keeping his hands raised between us as a sign he won’t touch me. “Please. I won’t touch you. I promise. But it’s not like that. I can make you do things, and you pulled away from me, so you’re just reading my thoughts! I’m not trying to force anything.”

I fold my arms and shift my weight to one leg as we stop. Why am I having a hard time believing him? It’s not like he’s lied to me before.
No. Just that I’m used to being lied to.

His mouth opens to speak but nothing comes out. “Shit, Addie. I’m crap at this. I didn’t mean to tell you to do anything, okay?” He pushes out a breath. “I just really wanted a kiss.”

He looks so…contrite.

“I’m sorry. I’m crazy. Really. Let’s go find your brother, okay?” Maybe this will at least bring us back into something that resembles normal.

His face softens but he doesn’t speak. He starts to walk, and I walk next to him, grasping his hand with mine. Better.

TWENTY-TWO

Dean

Addison confuses the hell out of me. Right now it feels like we’ll never get anywhere. I can’t do anything about her, not right now, not with Jeremy’s address in my hand. What if they’re gone? Simply not home?

Jeremy’s on 87
th
street. A nice part of town. Probably one of those old brownstones. I hope so. He’s actually not too far from Addie.

Three years. Jeremy went from 10 to 13. I know I’ll recognize him, but part of me worries. Maybe he believes the lies Mom told about me. He knows better, he
knows
, but maybe he’ll believe her instead of me. Maybe he’ll believe the things he said when he was lying and believing Mom that it would keep us together.

I don’t know what to expect. There’s also the possibility he won’t care. I’m a wreck.

I check the numbers on the paper. Again. I look at the numbers on the buildings. Again.

“You okay?” Addison squeezes my hand.

“I haven’t seen him in three years.” Will she understand?

“Right.” Yep, she understands.

“
Dean
?” My head snaps up to see Jeremy. He’s a smaller version of me, standing on the steps of a brownstone. I can’t believe his luck. The neighborhood is amazing for a foster kid. There’s no mistaking us as brothers. A backpack’s on his shoulder, and his mouth’s open in shock.

“Found ya.” I try to laugh, but I’m wound up tighter than I’ve been for years.

“Dean.” He drops his pack runs the few steps to me and throws his arms around my neck.

His body isn’t the body of a little kid anymore. There’s weight to him now. Strength. He’s so different. I’ve missed so much.

“Look at you, little brother.” I pull away and slap the flat of my hand on his chest when most of me wants to cry at how much he’s changed and how much I’ve missed. “You’re all grown up.”

His smile is wide. He’s still in those awkward years of early teenager. But hell, he’s
early teenager
.

“Where have you
been
?” Jeremy’s voice is a mixture of confusion and excitement.

“No contact order.” He should know this.

“What?”

He didn’t know. How did he not know?

“After the interview with you and Mom. No contact order,” I explain.

“They can’t do that!” He’s so much like me. It’s like looking in a mirror of who I was three years ago.

“Why else would I not see for you three years?” What does he think of me?

“I…” He opens his mouth but freezes.

“Addison found you for me.” I look back at her and there’s more emotion on her face than I’ve ever seen. A few tears of hers have spilled over, making my chest tight again.

“Nice to meet you.” She smiles but stands behind me. Her chin is puckering as she tries not to cry.

“You too.” Jeremy looks back to me. “So, you’re not supposed to be here?” he asks.

“No.”

“My parents will be home soon. Are you going to get in trouble?” His eyes widen a little.

His parents. I’m actually so relieved to hear him say that because Mom never was a parent to us, and it makes me hopeful that his home is as good as it looks. “I was hoping to talk to them.”

“So we could get together once in a while?” So much relief comes with his hopeful face.

“Yeah.”

Jeremy, Addie and I sit down on the steps in front of his house. Jeremy tells me all about his parents—how they can’t have kids and are super nice and work together in advertising. And even though they’re busy, they work in the house so they’re around all the time. He plays baseball and is really good. He can’t wait for me to watch him play. Mostly I take in his face, his voice. He has so much confidence. His life is so much better than I expected.

Addie sits quietly, resting her hand in mine. Smiling every time a funny thought passes through my head. It should totally bother me that she’s inside me this way, but it doesn’t. I’m completely absorbed in Jeremy, but I squeeze her hand once in a while so she knows I’m here.

“Oh. There’s my parents,” Jeremy says quietly.

“Hey, Dean?” Addie squeezes my hand.

“Yeah?” I turn to look at her.

“Why don’t we,” she whispers, “both just work on keeping them calm, okay?”

“You know I love that you’re here.” I put both my hands over hers for a moment.

“Me, too.” She stands up and lets go of my hand.

“Who are your friends, Jeremy?” the mom asks
,
only her bright blue eyes spark in recognition because Jeremy and I look way too much alike for her to not know who I am.

My brain starts to go numb. I wonder what these people heard and how much they hate me?