Manslations (13 page)

He went out with you.


He didn't call.

Seems like kind of a no-brainer when you boil it down to that, doesn't it? But in the interest of thoroughness, let's apply the Two Big Questions as well.

Might he think that this behavior (not calling you) will get him laid? Can't see how. Even the dumbest guy has to know that you aren't going to have sex with him if you aren't nearby. And ruling out telepathy (and let's go ahead and do that), the only way to get you nearby is to contact you. So the answer to this one is NO.


Might he think that this behavior will maximize his time with you? That's a big NO on that one as well.

So, from this situation, we know that he didn't have a great date and doesn't want to date you. No need for any other explanation. This is what we in the manslations business call an “open-and-shut case.”

But then why, by Zeus's mighty thunderbolt, would he tell me he'd call?

Men have told you they were going to call to avoid telling you that they were not going to call, which would have been awkward. We don't like being the bad guy and would prefer not telling you we don't like you to your face. Or any other part of you.

It's all about reputation, in a way. If a woman tells a man, “Look, it's not going to happen, so don't call me, okay, chief?” it's not really even considered rude. It's almost expected. If, however, a man says, “Look, I'm not going to call you, okay?” he's a big jerk.

If a guy likes you, what possible reason could there be for him not to call? If he had so much fun with you, why would he deprive himself of even more fun?

More good news: You don't even WANT that guy to call you. If he isn't dying to call you, he's not the right guy. The right guy will always be very excited to call you. And soon.

That's so not true. I went out with a guy, and
he called me three weeks later.

Right, but that was at one in the morning, and he wanted you to come over to his apartment for sex.

Uh… no it… er… ahem… was not.

Uh-huh. Sure, it was. Otherwise, why the wait?

Then why doesn't he leave out the “I'll call you” part and just say good night?

This one is harder to explain. And not because it involves big words I don't know. This is a sticky situation, because it involves something negative about women.

No! We want the truth! If a guy would just tell us right then and there, we could get on with our lives and not torture ourselves about why he didn't call.

Well, there's a problem right there. You think there is some mystery about why he didn't call. He didn't call because he doesn't want to talk to you. Is that the conversation you would like to have had with him at the end of the date—the date where you presumably had a good enough time that you wanted him to call you?

You: “This was fun. We should do it again sometime.”

Him: “Mmm, nah. I don't really ever want to have to talk to you anymore.”

Well, he wouldn't have to say it like that.

No?

No. He could say, “Look, I really like you, but I'm just not looking for a relationship right now.”

Exactly. It's not that you don't want him to lie; you don't want the real reason. You just want him to lie
better.
(“I like you a lot, but I don't want a relationship right now, and that's why I'm not going to call you,” or whichever lie you like.)

Of course he's looking for a relationship right now. Who doesn't want to meet the perfect person right now? Sociopaths, that's who. Everyone who isn't in a relationship is looking for one right now. Everyone. (Remember that “fear of commitment”—yeah, the one he doesn't have?) If he didn't call you, that's how you know that he wasn't looking for
you.
And again, that is fantastic news. Cross him off the list of potentially dateable guys, and put him down on the other (much longer) list.

But he just got out of another relationship. He—

Listen. No man in the history of the earth has ever
not
called you because he liked you. If he likes you so much, why not just call, which you obviously want him to do?

Wait… do not answer that question. Let me guess. Is it because he is afraid of how much he is feeling for you right now? You guys went out; you had wine; you laughed; and he felt something. He felt something he had not felt in a long, long time. And it scared him. And he ran. He ran and ran until his lonely little legs could take him no further, and then he collapsed in tears on his bed of rose petals and angst? Right?

Golly, and I thought you weren't after the truth…

But there was this one time—

No. No, there wasn't. There still isn't. No man has ever,
ever
felt so much for you that he didn't call you back.

No, hear me out.

Sigh. Uh-huh.

He had just gotten out of a relationship, and he emailed me and said he thought he was ready but then realized that he was not.

So… what now? You think he was really in love with you but was just too relationship-ally tired to make it work?

Well…

This was after you guys had sex, wasn't it?

Uh…

Got it. This is what we manslators call a “lie.”

Okay, so if he didn't call it's because he doesn't
like me. I get it. But we had sex. What changed?

Nothing. He never liked you.

Remember “Sex Brain”? (See page 54.) Yeah, that guy needs to conquer stuff, take down saber-toothed tigers, stop international terrorism, and take you to bed. (Though probably not in that order.) But the moment sex has occurred, that part of the brain leaves the man. Quickly. And the man is left with the Everything Else Brain—more specifically in this case, the “So do I want to stay here or get the hell out of here?” Brain. The cuddle or flight response is very, very strong.

If he has sex, then bails and never calls, he doesn't want to date you. Why would he run out and never call if he liked you?

But all men aren't like that. This guy had been hurt before.

Sure, he had. Who hasn't? We've all been hurt before. This is a prime example of a scenario in need of a manslation. A woman sees male behavior, and since men don't leave many clues, she is left to make up a whole world to explain it. Let's go through some of these explanations.
^*

No man has ever,
ever
stopped going out with a woman as a result of

Feelings that were too strong and frightened him. Think about it. What you're saying is that you are so perfect for him that he couldn't handle it. Such a curse you have there! Gosh, if only you hadn't been so great for him, he might have been able to allow himself to be happy with you.
Come
on.
What's the simplest solution? That he somehow sensed that you were the perfect woman for him, who touched him in deep, important places that he couldn't handle? Or that he met you; it didn't really happen for him; and he bailed? Don't waste your time thinking about this man. He's not the one.


Fear of getting close to someone that he really likes because he's been hurt before and he senses that this relationship could be so deep that it could really hurt him again. You give us too much credit—we can't think ahead that well.
Stop it. Stop it right now. I just heard your thoughts, ladies. You were saying, “Well, this guy doesn't know what he's talking about. I knew this guy one time who…” No. It might happen on doctor shows on TV, but that's because those shows are written specifically for women.
And no, the reason men don't watch doctor shows is not because it makes him have feelings that are too intense and he can't handle them. Just step away from the steaming pile of bullpoop.


Being intimidated by a challenging woman. This one is really ridiculous.
No, no, no, that one happens. I was dating this guy, and always called him on his “crap,” and he dumped me.
Yeah, sounds like you weren't as much a “challenge” as a “jerk.”
Again, no man has ever refused to date a woman because she was perfect for him or just too challenging. If you end up only dating men who are intimidated by how “strong” you are… well, you might want to explore the possibility that it's because you're not very nice.

There really are no exceptions to the three bogus explanations above. The red flag for you is that the explanations are awfully flattering to one side of the breakup. As in, “I am perfect as I am, and if only he could handle how perfect I am, then he would be willing to date me.” Again, you're half-right. You're fine, just as you are. He just didn't want what you have. Your job isn't figuring out how to get him to call. Your job is to go find the guy who wants to call.

Honestly, think of all the times in your life that you have rejected a man. In any of these situations, have you ever been in love with the guy but dumped him because you couldn't handle how much you felt for him? As in, you loved him
too
much? Or you were perfect together, but somehow you weren't up to the task of loving him because of your last relationship? Ever been intimidated by how challenging a man was?

Come on. Of course you haven't. So don't make your guy have that imaginary thought. It will only drive you nuts.

On my website, I get this question all the time. After a great date, she's wondering if she should initiate contact to tell him that she had a great time. She's afraid that she's going to scare him off. There's a lot of misinformation out there about this.

My suggestion? Call him; don't call him; do whatever you want. It can't hurt. Here's why.

If he likes you, he's going to like that you called him. If he doesn't like you, he's not going to like you any less.

I think the confusion on this one has come from a leap in judgment that some women make.

They see it like this:

He and I had a great date.


I called him.


He blew me off.

Mistaken Conclusion: The call made me look clingy and psycho, and I spooked him and scared him off.

This is not how it went. If you called him and he blew you off, it went like this:

You had a great date, and he did not.


He planned to blow you off.


You called him, and nothing changed.

True Conclusion: He wasn't interested to begin with, and your call had no discernible effect on his feelings about you. Up or down.

Come on. Do you really think that he was sitting there at his house saying to himself, “You know what? I had a great time with her. I wanted to ask her out again. But then she called me! Ugh! And as if that wasn't enough, she told me she had fun on that date that I had fun on! Double ugh.”

And if you
are
dating a man who only liked you until you called him to tell him you liked
him,
well, do you really want to be dating such a man?

There are a few types of men who seem (again
seem
) to be sending weird mixed signals. Here are a few you would do well to avoid if you can.

The Romantic:
This is the guy who is obsessed with obsession. He loves that beginning time, loves getting you all caught up in a whirlwind of romance, flowers, secret meetings, urgency. And then seemingly out of nowhere, poof. He's gone, and wha happa? This guy is an urgency addict, and when your relationship stopped resembling a four-alarm house fire, he lost interest. Forget this man. He never liked you, per se. He liked the intensity of your time together.


The Therapy Addict:
This guy wants to analyze his every emotion, thought, and impulse, and give you the play-by-play. His version of being a badass is that he is either the most damaged person you've ever met, or at least the most enlightened person
about
being damaged that you've ever met. This guy likes trouble because it gives him some more chances to learn firsthand terms he read in self-help books. Avoid.


The Scorekeeper:
This man is interested in getting you into bed, because he needs to know he's still got it. And getting women into bed is how he knows. With this guy, the meter is running. He thrives on figuring out exactly what you want to hear, and then he tells you that. You'll know him because he's the guy trying to minimize the time between “hello” and bed.


The Collector:
He can't let you off the hook. Even after you two are done, he'll call every so often to “check in” or just to “see how you're doing.” He's attempting to keep a whole lot of women interested in him. He's not sure he exists unless some woman thinks he's the greatest. You'll know you've found this guy when you can't get anywhere near him, except every once in a while—on his terms.


The “Honest” Player:
This guy will tell you straight out, “I'm not interested in a real relationship. I'm just too immature for that. In relationships, I'm big trouble.” He's banking on you arguing
for
being with him, even while he's arguing against it. And then when he screws you over—and you can take it to the bank
^*
that he
will
screw you over—he comforts himself (and sometimes you) by saying, “Hey, I told her the whole time…” Trust me, if a guy tells you he's a lousy boyfriend, he's always right.