Marcia's Madness (4 page)

"I know," Marcia said, proceeding to do a decent imitation of our new teacher as she quoted what he'd said. "'This weekend, be sure to study...
everything.
'" Marcia returned to using her own voice. "How is it possible for anyone to study everything?"

We didn't know. And here's a thing we hadn't known until just then: that Marcia could imitate a man's voice so well. Previously, the only one of us who could do that was Annie, who imitated Daddy's voice whenever she had to call Outsiders Who Didn't Know We Were Living Without Adult Supervision. But whenever Annie did it, she wound up using a British accent. Marcia's imitation of the Mr. McG had been perfect.

"Oh well." Annie sighed. "There's nothing else for it. Guess it's time for us to start studying everything."

"I wonder why he wants us to study everything?" Marcia wondered.

"Who knows?" Jackie said. "At least tomorrow is Saturday."

***

The next morning, seven of us enjoyed the breakfast of chocolate chip pancakes that Durinda had prepared with Jackie's help in order to fortify us for the long day of studying ahead. We say seven of us because once again Marcia was nowhere to be seen.

"Do you think she's off again stealing your job of paying the bills?" Georgia asked Annie as Annie settled down with her schoolbooks. "And if so, would you like me to get the spear and threaten her with it to make her stop?"

The spear was part of the suit of armor we referred to as Daddy Sparky. We dressed him up in a quilted smoking jacket, corncob pipe, and fedora to throw off nosy parkers who peeked in our windows. We also had a dressmaker's dummy we referred to as Mommy Sally that wore a sleeveless purple dress, a string of pearls, and a wig.

Georgia was very fond of that spear.

"No, I don't," Annie answered Georgia. "All the bills for this month have been paid already, so unless Marcia's making up new bills just for the fun of it—"

"Oh, I forgot to mention." Durinda cut Annie off. "When Jackie and I were preparing the pancakes, Carl the talking refrigerator said that we were getting low on eggs and milk."

"How about pink frosting in a can?" Rebecca wanted to know. "Did Carl say anything about that?"

We ignored her. None of the rest of us cared quite so much about the pink-frosting situation as Rebecca did.

"I really do think," Durinda continued, "we'll need to do a big shop soon."

"Fine." Annie sighed as though the weight of the whole world were on her shoulders and her shoulders alone. She put aside the book she'd been trying to study. "I suppose I'll have to go up to the tower room now and get my me-imitating-Daddy disguise out of the costume trunk so that I can drive us into town to get more food."

That's when the telephone rang.

"Let's go see who's calling!" Zinnia urged, excited.

Since Mommy and Daddy's disappearance, we almost never answered the phone anymore, for a variety of very good reasons. But back in April, when we almost missed a call from the Tax Man, we'd realized that some calls were too important to miss. Since then, Annie had had caller ID installed so we could always tell who was calling us and decide whether we wanted to talk to them or not.

"I wonder if it's Will inviting us over to play!" Zinnia said as seven of us raced for the phone in the drawing room.

"I hope it's not Bill Collector!" Petal worried aloud.

"There's no one named
Bill Collector,
" Georgia said with a Rebecca-worthy sneer. "There are people referred to as bill collectors, because that's the job they do, but there's no
Bill Collector.
"

"Maybe it's the McG," Durinda said, "calling to tell us she's fired the Mr. McG."

"Has anyone else noticed," Jackie said, "that the McG has gone back to being as awful to us as she was before we rescued her from Crazy Serena? It's as though none of it ever happened!"

"I just hope it's not a telemarketer," Rebecca said. "I hate telemarketers. People trying to sell you stuff over the phone—how do I know I really want it if I can't actually see it?"

At last we were all gathered around the phone in the drawing room staring at the number displayed on caller ID.

Annie looked puzzled.

"Annie?" Durinda said soothingly. "What's wrong?"

"It's that number," Annie said.

"You recognize it?" Rebecca demanded.

"Yes," Annie said. "It's the number from the car phone. You know, the car phone inside our Hummer?"

"But what could it mean?" Georgia asked as the phone stopped ringing and then immediately started again, displaying the same number.

"
I
know what it means!" Petal said.

Six heads swerved in her direction, shocked. When did Petal ever know what anything meant?

"It's the ax murderer!" Petal shrieked as she started to run around in circles. "It's finally the ax murderer!"

"Petal," Rebecca said as Durinda and Jackie moved to put their arms around Petal and stop her circle running, "what
are
you talking about?"

"It's just like that ghost story they told us at camp the one time Mommy and Daddy sent us," Petal said.

"What story?" Annie asked.

"The one about the babysitter who keeps getting prank calls," Petal said, "the caller always asking, 'Have you checked the children?' But then the babysitter calls the police to have them trace the calls, and the police call back and say, 'Get the children and get out of the house—the calls are coming from
inside!
'"

The ringing stopped and started up again, same number displayed.

"This is
exactly
like that!" Petal said. "The danger is
inside
the house! The calls are coming from
inside
the house!"

"No, they're not," Rebecca said. "They're coming from the car."

"This is ridiculous," Annie said. "I'll get to the bottom of this." And then she picked up the phone, silencing the ringing.

"Hello?"

Unfortunately for the rest of us, since the only phone in our house that had speakerphone was in Mommy's private study and we were in the drawing room, all we could hear was Annie's end of the conversation.

"You're
where?
You did
what?
"

Pause while the other party talked.

Annie covered the receiver with her hand and addressed Jackie. "Run up to the tower room and check the costume trunk, see if my Daddy disguise is still there."

Jackie raced there and came back again—even when not using her power, Jackie was still faster than any of us—and shook her head.

"I can't believe you!" Annie yelled into the phone.

Another pause.

"Well, I suppose since you're already there ... just a second." Annie covered the receiver again and turned to Durinda. "Do you have the grocery list ready?"

Durinda hurried from the room and returned a moment later with a list for Annie.

"Okay." Annie spoke into the phone again. "Let's see here..." And she proceeded to read the whole list, item by item. "All right then, I guess that's it," Annie said when she'd finished. "See you soon. Drive carefully."

Annie hung up the phone, looking as though she'd been thunderstruck by something big. Like a Hummer.

"Who was that?" Jackie asked.

"And why did you read my grocery list?" Durinda asked.

"It was Marcia," Annie said, dropping down into a wing chair.

"
Marcia?
" six of us shouted at once.

"Yes," Annie said. "Marcia. She said she got up earlier than the rest of us and was hungry. When she noticed we were low on supplies, she put on my Daddy disguise, grabbed the keys and the checkbook, and drove the Hummer into town. She was just calling from the parking lot to have me read her the list, to make sure she hadn't missed anything."

"
Marcia?
"

For the longest time, that was all any of us could think to say.

"
Marcia?
"

Because really, before that day, Annie had been the only one of us who knew how to drive. Or impersonate Daddy.

***

"
Marcia?
"

We were still saying it an hour later when the subject of our wonder and confusion walked into the house wearing a man's suit, a false mustache, and a fedora, underneath which she'd stowed her two ponytails.

"
Marcia!
" we all cried.

"Isn't anyone going to help me carry in the groceries?" Marcia asked, wincing a little as she tore off her phony mustache. "It is an awful lot for one person to carry."

"Marcia." Annie's voice was cold as steel, and her face was turning purple with rage again.

"What is it?" Marcia asked.

"How could you?" Annie said.

"Yes," Petal said with rare force, "how could you? Annie's the only one of us who knows how to drive the car!"

"But it's so easy," Marcia said with a laugh.

"
Easy?
" Georgia echoed.

"Why, yes," Marcia said. "I've watched Annie do it a million times. Well, okay, maybe not a million, but enough. Why, anyone can drive a car—even Zinnia!"

(And here someone really does need to interrupt the story to say,
Hey, kids, don't try this at home!
)

FOUR

The rest of the weekend passed uneventfully with us studying as the Mr. McG had directed, some of us studying more than others.

It was on Monday, as we bounced our way along to school in the little yellow school bus, that Marcia dropped her bombshell. As Zinnia might say, it was a doozy.

"I think," Marcia announced, "that we should have a vote to see which one of us should really be head of the family in our parents' absence."

"That's crazy talk," Rebecca scoffed.

"Annie's in charge," Jackie said.

"Always has been," Durinda said, "always will be."

Annie remained silent.

"But why?" Marcia asked. "Why is Annie in charge?"

"Because she's the oldest," Zinnia said simply. "It may not be a fair system, but it's the way things have always worked in our family."

"Not only is that unfair," Marcia said, "it's also arbitrary."

"Simply put," Jackie explained to those of us who might not know, "
arbitrary
means 'random or by chance.'"

"Who do you think should be in charge instead of Annie?" Petal asked. "I hope you don't mean me—I'd hate having all that power!"

"Me," Marcia said. "I should be in charge."

"
You?
" Rebecca snorted. "You can't be. You're four minutes younger than Annie."

"And in our family," Georgia added, "four minutes is a very big deal!"

"Perhaps," Marcia said, "but Annie's mostly in charge because she can do things the rest of us can't, like pay the bills and impersonate Daddy and drive the Hummer. But now I can do all those things too."

Huh. We hadn't thought about that.

And here's something else we hadn't thought about.

From the very beginning of our troubles, if we'd been asked which Eight would be voted Most Likely to Stage a Coup, we would have guessed Georgia, with her spear obsession, or even Rebecca. But
Marcia?
Who ever paid attention to
Marcia?

"And," Marcia added now, "we never did put it to a vote, you know, about who should be the boss of us..."

Annie finally spoke. "Fine," she said. "Let's have a vote. Right here. Right now."

Six of us gasped. We'll leave you to guess which six.

"By a show of hands," Annie said, "how many of you favor Marcia taking over as head of the family?"

One hand went straight up: Marcia's.

"How many of you," Annie said, "favor me continuing as head?"

Six hands went up.

"Why didn't you vote?" Zinnia asked Annie.

"Because," Annie said, "I would never vote either for or against myself."

"I'm afraid Annie wins," Durinda said to Marcia soothingly. "But can't you see that it makes sense? After all, even if you can do all those other things, Annie's still the oldest and we're used to her being in charge. But more important than that, Annie's still the only one of us who can be as smart as an adult when needed. Annie's still the smartest."

Marcia didn't say another word as the little yellow school bus continued bouncing us on our way.

***

The Mr. McG was waiting for us when we arrived at our classroom.

"Quick, put your things away," he said, hurrying us along. "Today is a very big day."

"What's going on today?" Mandy Stenko asked, her eyes darting to the right-hand side of the chalkboard, where we now all saw that only one word was listed under the schedule for the day:

Test.

"But the McG never sprang tests on us!" Rebecca objected, forgetting in her outrage that we only ever referred to our former teacher as the McG among ourselves or with trusted friends, never with People in Authority.

"Well," the Mr. McG said, "
Mrs. McGillicuddy
isn't your teacher anymore, is she?"

"Can we have a vote to get her back?" Petal asked.

The Mr. McG ignored her and continued, "It has come to my attention that your...
previous teacher
was far too lenient on you. It is my opinion that you all need to be tested so that I can assess where you are in your education."

"What exactly is the test going to be on?" Will Simms asked as the Mr. McG gave a thick sheaf of papers to each of us.

"It's exactly as I told you when I warned you that you needed to study over the weekend," the Mr. McG said. "The test is on everything you've ever learned.
Everything.
"

Eight of us plus our classmates all gasped.

This was horrible!

We'd had evil substitute teachers (Crazy Serena); we'd had underhanded principals (Frank Freud); we'd even had teachers who were mean a lot of the time with no rhyme or reason (the McG). But we'd never been subjected to
this.
Here was an educator who actually expected us to
know things!

And who among us knew everything, or even just everything he or she had ever learned? True, as a group we were smart enough that we'd skipped a grade early on, which explained why we were only seven and already nearing the end of third grade. Jackie was exceptional at reading and vocabulary. And Marcia was equally exceptional at math and science. (We won't talk about Petal.) But
everything?
Honestly, Annie was the only one of us who had a chance at knowing everything because she was the only one of us who could be as smart as an adult. Plus, she was the one who had spent the most time studying over the weekend.