Marie Sexton - Coda 02 - A to Z (18 page)

My hand on him was slick with his come, and he was breathing again. Breathing hard, like he’d just run a mile, and his fingers found my free hand and gripped it tight. We stayed that way for a while, until his breathing was back to normal. And then he said quietly, “Everything feels so much better with you, Zach. Is it that way for you too?”
“Yes.”

“Why?”

I knew why, but I was hesitant to say it. I ran my hand down his side, felt his ribs against my fingers, kissed the back of his neck, and finally whispered, “Because we love each other.”

His fingers clenched in mine, but then he sighed and said sleepily, “That must be it.”

It was the closest he had ever come to saying it. I swallowed around a sudden lump in my throat and held him tight. We fell asleep tangled together, but when I woke up a few hours later, he was getting dressed.

“Where are you going? It’s the middle of the night.” He tensed and didn’t look at me. “Home.”
“I wish you wouldn’t.”

He didn’t say a word. Just turned and left. I tried to tell myself it was no big deal. But that empty space on the other side of the bed haunted me the rest of the night.

…Angelo
B
EEN
in Coda almost two months now. Still tryin’ to get used to bein’ with Zach. Still tryin’ to make that bird in my chest be still.

Zach tells me he loves me. He says it all the time. I can’t say it back—not ’cause I don’t feel the same way, but ’cause I just can’t seem to make those words come outta my mouth. Seems like he doesn’t mind.

I go to his house almost every night after work. He cooks dinner sometimes. Maybe we watch a movie or work on a puzzle or hang out with Matt and Jared. Sometimes we just talk. Sometimes we spend the entire evenin’ makin’ out or havin’ sex. I love bein’ with him. Still can’t believe how good everything feels with him. Never realized love could make sex feel so much better.

Every night, though, that moment comes when I have to decide if I’m stayin’ there or goin’ home. Hate how hard that moment is for me sometimes. He asks more and more if I’ll spend the night. Makes that stupid bird in my chest frantic. The more he asks, the more I want to leave. Feel like no matter how much I manage to give, he just wants more. Sometimes I think there’s nothin’ left of me to give.

I been spendin’ a lot of time with Matt and Jared. I watch them. They’re obviously crazy ’bout each other. What’s interestin’ to me, though, is that they don’t love each other the same way. Neither way is less or more than the other. Just different kinds of love.

Jared’s love is a sated, contented kind of love. It’s like he’s been given everything he ever wanted, and now he’s just sittin’ back, enjoyin’ the ride. That cliché ’bout a couple bein’ two halves of a whole—I thought it was sentimental crap ’til I met Jared. Matt really is part of him. He knows where Matt is and what he's doin’ almost all the time. Not ’cause he’s keepin’ track; I don't think he even knows he’s doin’ it. He just seems to sense it. I watched them once, cookin’ together. They were on opposite sides of the kitchen, with their backs to each other. But every time Matt turned to hand somethin’ to Jared, Jared was already reachin’ back to take it from him. I know they’ve only known each other a year and a half, and yet, I can’t imagine Jared without Matt. He must have been only half alive.

Matt’s love for Jared is somethin’ else entirely. For him it’s not so much constant contentment as it is a series of sudden, intense realizations. Watchin’ him, most of the time, you wouldn’t know they were a couple. He’s just spendin’ time with his best friend. But then, every once while, he’ll turn to look at Jared, and it’s like, instead of findin’ his best friend sittin’ there next to him, he suddenly sees the answer to every question he’s ever asked. And when that happens, you can see it on his face. It’s sheer amazement. Those moments he can't keep his hands off of Jared, either. Suddenly he has to touch him. Just to make sure he’s really there, I guess.

I know the way Zach loves me is closer to the way Matt loves Jared. Not exactly the same, though. Matt doesn’t worry ’bout losin’ Jared. I know Zach worries ’bout losin’ me all the time. ’Course Zach’s never been stupid. I think he can sense there’s still some piece of me that’s scared shitless. That little voice inside of me that’s constantly tellin’ me to run like crazy before he has a chance to hurt me.

I try not to listen to that voice. I know Zach practically worships me. Zach’s love is reverent. He’d do anything in the world for me. Still, sometimes that voice gets pretty fuckin’ loud.

Two weeks ago, I found a second job—stockin’ at the grocery store three nights a week. I know Zach’s annoyed ’bout it. He tries not to show it. I know he’s tryin’ to give me my space. But I also know he feels like I just took three nights of our time together away from him.

Guess he’s not wrong.

But the job keeps the bird quiet three nights a week. Sometimes, though, there’s not much for me to do. Tonight they tell me I can go at one in the mornin’. Get all the way into my apartment, all the way to my bed. It’s empty, except for Geisha. I know it’s not where I want to be. Get to Zach’s a little before two. ’Course he gave me a key. I let myself in, go in the bedroom, where he’s sleepin’.

I get undressed and I’m just about to climb in bed with him when he says, “You’re here.”

 

“That okay?”

 

“Of course. I’m glad you’re here. I wish you were here every night.”

There he goes again, always wantin’ for more. Suddenly I’m so annoyed that I wish I was still dressed so I could just walk back out. I don’t know who I’m annoyed at more—him for always pushin’ or myself for bein’ so fuckin’ scared. I sit on the edge of the bed with my back to him, put my head in my hands, try to figure out what to say.

“What’s wrong?” he asks quietly, but there’s annoyance in his voice too.

 

Suddenly that bird is thrashin’ in my chest again, and I have to put my head down between my knees, breathe in and out.

He sighs, and I don’t know if he’s annoyed at both of us, too, or just me. He gets out of bed, gets on his knees in front of me. I sit up, and he’s lookin’ up at me. “I can’t even say that I wish you were here?”

“Never happy, are you?” I ask bitterly. “I’ll never be good enough for you.”

“That’s not what I said.”
“It’s what you meant.”

“No,” he says, and I can tell he’s tryin’ hard to be patient, “it’s not.”

“Seems like I can’t be what you want, Zach.”
He shakes his head at me. “You
are
what I want, Ang.” “Doesn’t feel that way sometimes.”

“Damn it, Ang, I’m telling you—you are!
You’re
the one who’s so sure that I want something you’re not willing to give.” He sounds so mad, but he’s not yellin’. Still just sittin’ there on his knees in front of me, wearin’ only his boxers. “You need to stop, Ang. Stop assuming that I mean more than what I say. Just because I say I want you here with me, it doesn’t mean I blame you for not being here. I’m just telling you how I feel.”

Have to think ’bout that for a minute. Makes my anger disappear real fast. I never thought about it that way. Every time he says it, I think he’s mad. Think he’s tryin’ to coerce me into doin’ what he wants. But maybe he’s just sayin’ it. Just like when he tells me that he loves me.

“Angelo, I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around you. I can’t ask you to spend the night. I can’t come to your place. I can’t tell you that I miss you. I’m trying to learn to walk this line you’ve drawn between having you and smothering you, and I feel like I’m never going to get it right.”

Never meant to make him feel that way. Never thought about how it felt to him.

“Don’t know why you put up with me,” I say quietly. “Because I’m crazy about you, Ang. But I’m so afraid of losing you I don’t know what to do. I feel like you’re ready to take off if I make one wrong move. You’re like some beautiful, crazy bird, and any second now you’ll just fly away, and I’ll never see you again.”

I have to smile at that. “You think I’m a bird?” It’s like he knows about that bird in my chest. He’s been seein’ it all along.

He smiles back but only barely. It’s a sad smile. He takes one of my hands and holds it between his. “Ang, if I move too close, you’ll be gone before I know it, but if I put you in a cage, you’ll just beat yourself to death against the bars.”

“Can’t believe I ever said you had no sense of romanticism.” “I love you so much it hurts, Ang. I know you hate hearing it, but—”

“No.” I put my fingers on his lips to stop him. “I don’t hate hearin’ it.” And it’s the truth. I love to hear him say it. Wish I could say it back without that fuckin’ bird beatin’ me to death. “I just, I can’t….” I stop. Not sure how to finish. But I don’t need to.

He puts one hand on each side of my face, looks into my eyes. “You don’t have to.”

 

“Hate it when you’re mad at me.”

 

“Don’t you see, though, Ang? That’s the problem. Because I’m
never
mad at you.”

 

“Really?”

“Really. I’m trying to trust you and to let you set the pace. But I wish you would trust me back. I hate feeling like I can’t even say what I feel without you assuming I’m trying to push you into something.”

I know he’s right. I been doin’ everything my way and runnin’ away every time he tries to be close to me. “I’m sorry.” “Don’t be sorry, Ang. Just don’t be so scared of me, either, okay?”

 

“I’m tryin’, Zach. I’m tryin’ so hard.” I have tears in my eyes now, and I fight them. I don’t want to cry in front of him. “I know.”

“I can’t be like them yet.” And he doesn’t ask who I mean, so he must know it’s Matt and Jared. “I want to, though, eventually. I really do.”

“I understand.”
“Can you wait for me?”
“As long as it takes.”
“Will you hate me for it?”
“Never.”
“Will you say it for me now?”
“I love you like crazy.”
“Zach?”
“Yeah?”
“Shut up and kiss me.”

He does. And it’s gentle and so sweet. He pushes me back on the bed, just keeps kissin’ me, his hands soft and lovin’, movin’ all over me. Never demandin’. Just givin’. And he whispers in my ear again that he loves me. And suddenly some wall inside me comes crumblin’ down. Before I know it, I’m cryin’ for real. Don’t want to, but I just can’t stop all those tears. So much emotion I didn’t quite realize I had, all crammed up inside. I’ve been sure for so long that he couldn’t really love me. That he loved some idea of what he wanted me to be. Now all that tension and fear and anger—it all just comes out. All I can do is hang on to him, and still he just kisses me and holds me until the tears finally dry up. Until finally all that’s left is desire.

I get our shorts off, then roll us over so I’m on top. Get the tube out of the drawer and spread some on him.

“You’re not a bird at all,” he says suddenly.
I smile down at him. “No kiddin’.”

“You’re an angel. You’re mom must have known, too, because that’s what she named you.”

 

“No angel ever did this,” I say as I push down onto him, all the way, feel him fillin’ me. I lean down to kiss him, but he stops me. “Ang, are you planning to fly away?”

 

When we’re like this, him inside of me, it’s like the bird in my chest doesn’t exist at all. I love him so much. “Say it again.”

“I love you.”
“No.”
“No, what?”
“No. I’m not flyin’ anywhere.”

Zach…

T
HINGS
between us got a lot better after that night. Angelo quit being so skittish. He came to my house almost every night and stayed through the night more often than not. Geisha even ended up back at my house, although she still didn’t want anything to do with me. Angelo still had times when he had to get away—usually only one or two nights a week but sometimes more. I never complained, but when he finally came back, I always told him how much I had missed him. And he would just kiss me and say, “I know.”

Business at A to Z was good. Angelo had been going crazy buying all kinds of movies online to add to the collection. We were slowly getting everything together for the theater portion of A to Z. We bought the projection equipment and had it installed. We debated for a week between big, cushy, home-theater-type seats or tables with restaurant style chairs. In the end we did both: we had two rows of theater seats at the front, and had an elevated stage constructed behind them with the tables and chairs there. I found a caterer to serve dinners. We were still waiting for the food and alcohol licenses to be finalized but were planning to open on Thanksgiving weekend.

I was just getting ready to close the shop one Wednesday afternoon when Angelo called. “Will you pick me up at Matt’s on your way home?” he asked. We took turns closing Monday through Thursday, and he had left at two that day.

When I got there, Jared answered the door.
“They’re back there,” he said, pointing down the hall. There was a strange buzzing sound coming from that direction. I turned and headed towards it. “Brace yourself,” Jared said jokingly. I wondered what he was talking about, but I didn’t have to wonder for long.

I found Matt and Angelo in the bathroom. The door was open, and Ang was leaning over the sink. The buzzing sound was an electric hair trimmer. Matt had just finished shaving Angelo’s hair off. They had used an attachment, so it wasn’t as brutally short as Matt’s, but it was still a huge shock to see all that hair lying in the sink.

“I’ll go get the broom,” Matt said and went past me, leaving me standing in the doorway staring at Angelo.

His hair was now only about an inch long all over and stood straight up. “Hey, Zach,” he said happily, smiling at me. “What do you think?”

I couldn’t help but grin back. I reached out and touched it. It seemed thicker and courser now that it was so short. “What made you do it?”

He shrugged, still smiling. “Why not? Haven’t cut it in a while.” He looked even younger now, with all that hair out of the way. His eyes seemed so big. They were the deepest shade of brown, ringed with long black lashes. “Do you hate it?” It was a casual question. It had nothing to do with vanity. He wouldn’t have cared if I said yes.

“No.” It made me want to touch his cheekbones and kiss him and just look into his eyes forever. I was wishing like crazy that we were at home alone, rather than in Matt and Jared’s bathroom. “I like it,” I told him. “I can actually see your face.” That made him laugh.