Marie Sexton - Coda 06 - Fear, Hope, and Bread Pudding (11 page)

“Jonny worries that you’ll think I’m trying to bribe you, but honey, I swear, it’s not just you. I bribe everybody. You can ask George if you don’t believe me.”

I was more worried that she’d manage to get a house and a monthly stipend out of him, too, although the truth was, she never asked for anything, and she only agreed to accept the car after a great deal of persuasion. As was always the case with Cole, he only did things if they were his idea.

“Leave him alone,” my dad whispered to me when we had a minute alone. “He’s doing exactly what you told him to do—being himself.”

It was hard to argue with that.

After dinner, we moved to the family room. Unlike the living room, the furniture here was built for comfort. Everything was overstuffed, from the chairs to the bookcases.

“Are you warm enough?” Cole asked, holding up a silk throw. “I have blankets, or I can start a fire.” He laughed at his own words. “That’s funny, isn’t it? Can you even imagine me stacking wood and rubbing sticks together like some kind of boy scout? It’s a gas fireplace actually, but it’s quite cozy. Shall I turn it on?”

“No, thank you,” she said, settling her bulk into a chair next to my father. “I can’t even remember what it’s like to be cold. Sometimes I feel like I’m carrying a space heater in here instead of a baby.”

“Oh, I never thought of that. Jonny, go turn the air conditioner down a bit.”

 

“No, don’t do that. It’s fine!”

It would be far easier to adjust the thermostat than to try to change Cole’s mind. When I came back, they were all sitting. Cole had brought everybody drinks. I took my spot next to him on the couch. He was sitting forward on the edge of the cushion, all of his attention focused on Taylor. He had apparently decided it was time to get to the business at hand. “Honey, I don’t want to embarrass you, but we’d like to know how all this came about.”

She wasn’t surprised at the question. She’d already interviewed nine couples ahead of us, so it probably wasn’t the first time she’d told the story.

“I told you about the coffee shop I work at? That’s where I met Craig. He works at a law office down the block. He’s older than me, but he was so nice, always asking how I was and how school was going. And then he asked me out. It’s funny, you know, because I even remember telling my friend Larissa, ‘He’s too good to be true!’” She laughed without much humor. “I had no idea how right I was.”

“You didn’t know he was married?”
“Not until after I told him I was pregnant.”
“What happened then?”

“He freaked out. He offered to pay for an abortion, but it was pretty clear at that point that he didn’t give a damn about me. I was convenient. And stupid.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” my father said. He’d barely spoken all night, and Taylor turned to him in surprise. He leaned forward to pat her knee reassuringly. “Believing in something good doesn’t make you stupid. It may feel that way after the fact, but that doesn’t make it true.”

She smiled at him with obvious gratitude. “I just feel like such a fool.”

“Nobody here is judging you,” my father assured her. “We’ve all made decisions in our lives that seemed right at the time but came back to bite us in the ass.”

She laughed. “That makes me feel better.”

 

“You obviously turned down the offer of an abortion?”

She nodded. “I kept debating it, honestly, but I couldn’t make up my mind, and then it was too late. I think at first I believed he’d change his mind, but he didn’t. All he cared about was that I not tell his wife.”

“And did you?” I asked.
“No. I thought about it a hundred times, but I realized it wouldn’t accomplish anything. I’d still be single and pregnant and working at a coffee shop, and in the meantime, I’d have hurt some woman I’ve never even met.” She shrugged and rubbed her hand thoughtfully over her swollen belly. “It’s not her fault. None of this is her fault, so why punish her?”
“That was noble of you, honey,” Cole said. “I’m not sure I could have been so gracious.”
She smiled uncomfortably, but didn’t look up. “It’s not like I’m

opposed to being a mom, but the timing is so bad. I have one year left of undergraduate school, and after that, I want to get my MBA. But I don’t see how I can do that while raising a baby. I barely get by as it is, and if I have to add daycare on top of that….”

“What about your family?”

“My parents don’t know. I haven’t told them. They’d try to help, but my dad has lung cancer. He’s in the middle of treatment, and my mom’s wearing herself out taking care of him. If anything, I should be helping them right now, not the other way around. The last thing they need is another burden.” She shook her head emphatically. “No. If I decided to keep the baby, I’d have to do it alone, and all I can think of is, what kind of life can I give her on minimum wage? Without the degree, I can’t make more money, but with a baby, I’ll never be able to get the degree. It feels selfish to say that school is more important—”

“That’s not selfish,” Cole said. “Recognizing that you can’t give her the life you want her to have isn’t selfish at all.”
“Well, I’ll keep telling myself that. Maybe someday I’ll believe it.”

She wasn’t meeting his eyes, and Cole glanced over at me, obviously hoping I could help. “We’ve put you on the spot enough,” I said. “Now it’s our turn. Is there anything you want to ask us?”

Her cheeks began to turn red, but she looked directly at Cole. “Thomas says you have a lot of money.”

The question made me nervous, as did most discussions of his money, but Cole answered matter-of-factly, “I do.”
“He says you have homes all over the world.”

“I have
houses
all over the world, but my home is here.” “Does that mean you’d raise her here?”

Cole hesitated, as if he felt he were walking into a trap. She must have sensed his unease, because she said, “It’s not my intention to insert myself into her life. I’m just trying to get an idea of what her life would be like.”

“Well, sweetie,” Cole said, “the truth is, I’m not sure we’ve thought that far ahead. I feel like that’s a terrible answer, but it’s the truth.”

“Can I ask where your other houses are?”
“Of course. I have one in Hawaii, one in the Hamptons, a condo in Vail, one in Paris, and….” He glanced sideways at me. “I just bought a small villa in the Tuscan valley.”
“You what?” I asked, sitting forward. “When did you do that?”
He smiled at me. “I know how much you loved it there. It was supposed to be an anniversary present.” He turned to Taylor. “And sugar, it’s not easy buying something like that without your accountant knowing about it, believe me!”
“So,” Taylor said, “the truth is, you could end up living in any of those places?”
Cole turned serious again, and I resigned myself to waiting until later to find out about the villa. “Honey, that’s a fair question, but I’m not sure how to answer.” He stopped for a minute, apparently lost in

thought, and she waited. “I spent my school years bouncing all over the world, from California to New York to Paris and back, following my father wherever he went in between, sometimes switching schools three times a year. I’d no sooner get settled than we’d be off again to the next place.”
I reached out to take his hand. Nearly three years together, and yet

I still knew so little about his life. “Did you go to public schools?” “In California, yes. But private schools everywhere else.” “That sounds awful,” Taylor said.

Cole sat up straight, squaring his shoulders and flipping his hair out of his face. He hated to have people feel sorry for him. “It wasn’t all bad. I got to see more of the world than most people see in their entire lifetime. I grew up speaking multiple languages. I learned a lot. At this point in my life, I wouldn’t change any of it.”

“But at the time?” I asked.

He sighed as if it pained him to do so. “At the time, yes, I hated it. When I was fourteen, I would have given anything to live like a regular American kid.”

He still hadn’t fully answered Taylor’s question, but it was my father who prodded him. “So what would that mean for your child?”

“I guess we’d try to find a balance. I’d want her to see the world, but at the same time, I would never do to her what my parents did to me. I expect we’d travel some while she was small, but stay put more often once she started school, and as she gets older, we’d see what she wanted to do.” He looked over at me and smiled. “Although I just said all of that without even once asking Jonny his opinion.”

I shook my head at him, but I couldn’t help smiling at the same time. “The story of my life.” I wouldn’t have argued with him anyway. We’d be making our way in the dark, like most first-time parents, trying to do what was best for her.

We fell into an awkward silence. Once again, it was my dad who moved things forward. “I’m getting tired,” he said, “and if I don’t miss my guess, Taylor’s exhausted too.”

She smiled at him. “I opened the shop at 5:00 a.m. this morning. It’s been a long day.”
“How about if I take you home? And on the way, you can ask me anything you’re afraid to ask them to their faces.”
She was struggling to get the weight of her stomach forward enough to stand, so I took her elbow and helped her up, and then we showed them to the door. She stopped in the doorway and turned to smile at us. “We’ll talk again, okay?”
Cole immediately had a card out of his pocket—one like he’d given me on our first date, with only his name and a number. “You call me anytime, honey. I mean it. If there’s anything you need at all, you let me know.”

“Okay.”
“I’m serious. If you have a midnight craving for sushi and pineapple, you call me, and I’ll have it delivered to your door within the hour.”
“Stop,” I said to him, but he ignored me, and she smiled at us again before following my father down the drive.
Cole closed the door behind them and turned to face me with huge, hopeful eyes.
“That went well,” I said.
“Oh, Jonathan.” And the very next moment, he was in my arms, standing on his toes to put his arms around my neck, his lips soft and warm against my ear. “Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.”
I smiled into his hair, breathing in the wonderfully familiar smell of strawberries. Sometimes it amazed me that I could love him as much as I did. Then again, how could I not? “Does this mean I’m forgiven?”
“A hundred times over.”
He was happy again. That was good enough for me.

Chapter Eight

E
VEN tempered by caution, hope is a powerful thing. The next morning, Cole was nearly giddy, although he was trying to keep himself in check. He smiled and flirted with me and laughed at everything. I felt as if fate had finally given me back the man I’d married. Now, the flip side of the coin belonged to me. What would happen if we didn’t hear from Taylor? I feared the disappointment would crush him.

As it turned out, I had no need to worry. Taylor called that very afternoon. I listened intently to Cole’s half of the conversation, wishing we had a landline so I could pick up the other handset and join in. Instead, I was left to piece it all together.

“You’re welcome, honey. I’m glad it’s working out. Don’t be silly, there’s no reason to trade it for an older model. Tomorrow? Of course! We’ll be here. I’ll make chicken parmesan, how does that sound? See you then!”

He hung up the phone and turned to face me, his eyes wide. Hope and fear.
“She says she’d like to see us tomorrow.”
“So I gathered.”
“It seems like good news.”
“It does, but don’t—”
“Get my hopes up. I know.”
“And don’t buy her any more cars.”

We had dinner with her the next three nights, once with my father, twice just Cole and I, and each time, Cole’s hope grew, and so did my fear. I did my best to keep my pessimism to myself. Cole didn’t need it. He was in his element now, cooking for her, taking care of her, chatting nonstop and putting her at ease. He asked about her pregnancy and her well-being, but he never brought up the adoption. He was tactful and proper, in a way only he could be. He even showed her the empty room at the end of the hallway, although it felt like baring part of his soul.

“It won’t be empty like this,” he said softly.
She smiled at him. “I know.”

I was pretty sure he’d won her over, but it wasn’t until the third evening that Taylor finally got down to business.
“I feel like I should tell you how I’d like things to go, just to make sure there aren’t any misunderstandings.”

We were seated in our family room. Cole’s casual attitude fell away instantly, and he sat up to give her his full attention. He was beyond nervous—terrified, even—and so excited he could hardly sit still, and yet none of it showed. It was clear to me, only because I knew him so well, but the face he presented to Taylor was perfectly composed. “Of course.”

“Thomas says you’re amenable to an open adoption.” “Is that what you’d like?”
“Maybe eventually, but not right away.”

I wasn’t sure what she meant by that. I glanced at Cole to see if he understood, but he wasn’t looking at me. He was focused solely on Taylor. “I’m afraid you’ll have to elaborate a bit, sweetie.”

She shifted uncomfortably in her seat. “I know it will sound awful—”
“I doubt that. You can be honest with us. As you said, it’s important that there are no misunderstandings later.”

She nodded. Her cheeks were red, and she still seemed unsure of herself, but she took a deep breath and said, “I don’t want to breastfeed her. I’ll pump milk for a little while at least, but I think it will be too hard for me to hold her like that. And I don’t want to see pictures of her or hear how she’s doing. Not in those first few days, at any rate. I know that sounds horrible, but I’m afraid I’ll be too emotional after the delivery.”

Yes, that was the risk. Whether she chose us or some other family, there was the chance that in those first seventy-two hours, she’d change her mind. I was impressed that she’d thought things through so thoroughly. Not wanting to feed the baby seemed like it would work in our favor, but I also thought I’d be a jerk to say so. Cole must have been as dumbfounded as I was, because he didn’t answer either. She sat watching us, waiting for a response, obviously feeling very exposed, so I said, “That’s certainly your call.”

She nodded, probably relieved that nobody was going to tell her it was the wrong decision. “Everything I’ve read talks about how powerful those first moments are. I’ve tried to be very logical about this decision, and I don’t want to let my emotions get the best of me. And so, I think the best thing is if you hold her first. I mean, not just first, but only you.”