Marionette (31 page)

“What?”

“My childhood. I wish I had it back.”

Liddy looked stunned, but remained silent.

“I wish I knew what it was like…‌to be loved. Oh, I have Jess and that feels good, but I’ll never have parents who love me. I’ll never know what that feels like. Every milestone in my life will be celebrated as if I’m an orphan. It’s worse, though, having a family that just doesn’t give a damn, that just wished I’d go away or die for that matter. The entire time I’ve been at school, I haven’t called them or seen them. And I’m willing to bet they’re just fine with that arrangement. They think that as long as they pay my college tuition, that’s all I need. I didn’t even hear from them on my birthday. Maybe they think I’m dead. They’ve hoped for it for so long. And who knows, they could be plotting my death right now.”

“What was Alex’s life like?”

I grunted out of disgust. “Worse in some ways. Her father kicked the shit out of her a lot. Thinking back on it, I wonder if he’d found out that Alex was the product of an affair. He had to know his wife was magically getting money from somewhere.” I stopped to think. “I’m surprised my father had the balls to live right across the street from his bastard. Maybe he relished it when everyone said that Alex and I looked so much alike, maybe he felt more like a man. A conqueror. He loves to control things. And that’s what we were: things. Not children.” I picked up my cup and took a drink; the hot chocolate had grown cold and chunky.

“From an early age, we daydreamed about leaving. Alex loved
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
and wanted to float away on a raft.” I stopped and smiled somberly. Closing my eyes, I envisioned Alex smoking a corncob pipe and steering a raft down the Mississippi River in search of freedom.

Liddy shifted in her chair.

I snapped back to reality. “Of course, my father probably loved living across the street from his mistress. It was another way to drive my mother insane. You can’t take anything for granted when it comes to him. Everything is Machiavellian. Everything! If he asked me to pass the salt during dinner, I would spend the rest of the meal wondering what he really meant. Did he only want salt, or was he hinting that he knew something? Or was he threatening to send me away to a salt mine, or whatnot? I know it sounds insane, but that’s how I’ve felt my entire life. Nothing was ever as it seemed. No one was ever as they seemed. There were hidden messages in everything. Codes. Nuances.”

“It’s hard to live your life, thinking like that.”

“Trust me, it drives people I’m close to insane. Jess tries to be patient, but it’s not easy living with someone who has so many demons.” Davie’s face flashed into my mind. Was this an instance of letting my past cloud my judgment? Was he just a nice guy? One of Jess’s friends, maybe? Why couldn’t I let it go? Why couldn’t I trust her and move on, and not ruin the relationship with my doubts?

“Are you okay?” Liddy lowered her head and made eye contact.

I roused myself from my thoughts, realizing that several seconds had ticked away without either of us speaking. “Uh, yeah. You know, I’m sorry. This week really has taken it out of me. Do you mind if we call it a day?”

Before she could answer, I was preparing to take flight. Liddy jumped out of her chair, but instead of reading me the riot act, she wrapped her arms around me. “Take care, Paige.” Then she handed me one of her cards. “Give this to Tom. I’m sure I can talk to his teachers discreetly. And if he wants to talk, I’m here.”

I thanked her and then ran down the hallway, up the flight of stairs, and crashed through the back door. Not even five minutes had passed and I was already in my car, heading to Jess’s.

I wanted to apologize to Jess for questioning Davie. My craziness had to be controlled. Losing Jess would be catastrophic, especially over something so inane. If I pushed her away, it would be another victory for my father. And for my mother. I couldn’t let it happen. I would
not
. All of these years I had let them have power over me, and it was time to take back the control.

In the apartment, Jess and Tom sat at the kitchen table, drinking tea and plunging shortbread into their teacups. Jess’s smile radiated happiness when she saw me.

Why would I want to push her away?

“Hey, we weren’t expecting you for another hour or so.” She jumped out of her seat, gave me a peck on the cheek, and then busied herself making me a cup of tea.

I flicked Liddy’s card towards Tom. “Give her a call. She’ll get all of your absences excused for you.”

Jess peered over Tom’s shoulder and gave me a quizzical look.

“You found a shrink to help me out?” Tom looked touched.

“Don’t give me too much credit. She offered to help.” I eased into a seat across from him.

“How did she find out about me?”

“I talked about you…‌in today’s session.” I mumbled the last words and avoided his eyes.

Jess nearly dropped the kettle onto the floor.

Tom nodded.

“She also said if you want to talk, make an appointment.”

“Is she any good?” His words came out slowly, and I felt as though I could see every letter forming in a bubble over his head.

Jess still stood at the counter, the kettle dangling in her hand. I could tell she was hanging on every word.

“Yeah. It took me some getting used to, but yeah, she’s good.”

Tom scrutinized the card, noticing the Japanese writing on the back. He looked up at me, questioning it.

“It’s a Japanese proverb: Even monkeys fall from trees.”

Tom cocked his head, not following.

I shrugged. “It just means everyone can make a mistake. No one’s perfect.” I was tempted to raise my sleeve to show my tattoo, but I held back.

He tucked the card into his wallet. Jess collected herself and finished pouring my tea. When she sat down next to me, she patted my hand, but didn’t dwell on the subject. That wasn’t her style. Jess simply acknowledged, and then moved on to the next subject.

“Do you feel like helping out at Julia’s tonight? She’s hosting a fundraiser for Davie.”

“For Davie? What’s that about?” I controlled my tone so I didn’t sound either displeased or suspicious.

“His son has leukemia. He’s raising money for hospital bills.” Jess sipped her tea and stared blankly across the room.

Instantaneously, I felt like the biggest schmuck in the entire world. That was why Jess always talked to him in private. She was helping him! Jess would never share anyone’s secrets unless the person didn’t mind. Privacy mattered. Loyalty mattered. Friendship mattered. And I had questioned her friendship and her loyalty. God, I was an ass—‌a complete and total asshole.

“I would love to. When does it start?” I dipped the shortbread into my tea and then relished the wet, gooey concoction as I slipped it into my mouth.

“Six. But we might want to get there early to have dinner. I have a feeling we’ll need our strength. I’ve heard it will be a packed house tonight. Can Tom borrow your car?”

I didn’t expect the question and looked in his direction. “You aren’t working tonight?”

Julia had let him pick up some shifts during the week so he wouldn’t go completely stir crazy. Since he worked in the kitchen, he didn’t have to talk to people and he could keep his mind occupied.

Tom shook his head, embarrassed.

“He has a date with Jake tonight.” Jess beamed.

Tom fidgeted with his napkin.

Jess always had her fingers in so many pies that it was hard for me to keep up. Fixing up Tom. Helping Davie raise money. Taking care of me. And all of the other junk I didn’t even know about. Once more, I marveled at her energy and desire to help others. How could I have suspected her or Davie? It made me feel queasy. Here was a father coping with his son’s illness, and I had envisioned him working for my mother and biding his time to bump me off. Despicable.

* * *

Later that night, when all of the customers had left, Mel, Jess, Julia, Davie, and I all sat around a table and devoured the leftover sandwiches.

“Thank you.” Davie made eye contact with each of us and raised his beer each time. “Thank you. Because of all of you, I feel…‌for the first time…‌a…‌a sense of relief. Thank you.” He placed his hand on his heart and sat back down, wiping his eyes, too emotional to say more.

After a few minutes, Julia told him that after all of the credit card slips were accounted for, Jess would deliver the money to him. He left the restaurant with a huge grin on his face.

“I have no idea how the man deals with all the stress,” said Julia, as she got up and went into the back of the kitchen.

Right at that moment, Tom and Jake rushed in.

“Paige, we have to go.” Tom’s face was flushed and he motioned for me to get up pronto.

“What’s going on?” I asked as I stood.

“Karen’s in the hospital,” replied Jake.

Having heard the commotion, Julia rushed in, her hand on her chest. “What happened?”

“They don’t know. Mom said they’re running some tests.”

Tom started to pull me to the door. “Wait.” Looking over my shoulder, I asked Jess, “Aren’t you coming?”

Julia and Mel exchanged a nod, and Jess hopped out of her seat, trying not to show too much glee at being invited to invade my space again. Karen was sick, after all.

Jenna and Minnie sat in the waiting room. When Jenna stood to shake Jess’s hand, I almost fell to the ground in hysterics. She was well over a foot taller than Jess and was dressed in track pants and a hoodie. Jess wore a skirt and sweater. It was like watching a giant say hello to the town princess.

Minnie stood and gave me a hug. Twice in one week. “Isn’t this awful, Paige?”

“Yes, what happened?”

“No clue,” Jenna said. “I came home from practice pissed because Karen had skipped it. Then I found her on her bed, writhing in pain holding her stomach.” Jenna didn’t show much concern. She seemed more upset about Karen skipping practice just for a bellyache.

“You should have seen Jenna, Paige. She picked Karen up, threw her over her shoulder, and carried her all the way to the parking lot.” Minnie glanced at Jenna, obviously admiring her strength.

I bet she could have picked up Jess with her pinky finger.

Jake and Tom went to talk to the front desk nurse to see Karen and the rest of us sat silently on the uncomfortable plastic chairs.

“Do you think that machine works? I’m thirsty.” Minnie eventually broke the silence.

I followed her gaze to a soda vending machine that bore a huge sign stating: Out of Order.

“Give it a go.”

Jenna contained a smirk. Minnie hopped up, pulled out a crisp dollar bill and put it in the slot. When the machine ate her dollar, she clapped her hands and hit the Dr. Pepper button. Nothing happened. She hit the Pepsi button. Still nothing.

She turned around and glowered at me.

“What? Didn’t you see the sign?”

Jenna couldn’t contain her laughter any more.

“Come on, Audrey.” Jess stood. “I’ll help you find a different machine.” As they turned the corner, Jess shot me a nasty look.

“Why is this my fault?” I threw my arms up in the air.

Jenna shrugged and turned to the TV. SportsCenter was on.

The two new best friends returned with sodas for everyone and enough candy bars to feed an army.

“Who knows how long we’ll be here,” said Jess.

I selected a Snickers and a Pepsi. Jess gave the rest of the goods away and then headed for the chair next to Jenna. “So, what are we watching?” She popped the top of her Mountain Dew and took a slurp.

Jenna turned to her, looking at Jess as if she had bats flying around her head, and grumbled, “SportsCenter.”

“Paige tells me you play basketball.”

“Yeah.”

I continued watching, wondering if Jess would go down in flames for the first time.

“Tough luck last week. If it weren’t for that bad call, you guys would have won—‌at least that’s what the paper said.” Jess casually took a sip of her soda and gave me a smirk.

Jess’s comment perked Jenna right up. “It was a
horrible
call. The NFL has instant replay, why can’t we?” She went on to give Jess the play-by-play of the whole game.

I had to give Jess credit: she looked plausible as a basketball fan. I knew for a fact that she had never watched a game—‌or at least not a college game. But she read every newspaper cover to cover, even the classifieds and obituaries. One of her hobbies was to read the obituaries and to average the age. I found it odd.

Tom returned, and I motioned to our stash of soda and candy bars. After making his selection, he sat down next to me.

“How is she?” asked Minnie.

Tom chuckled. “Rolling about on the bed in agony. I’ve never seen someone put on such a show.”

“Tom!” Minnie yelled.

He shut up, but we shared a smile when Minnie wasn’t looking. Jenna was still telling Jess about the last game.

Tom nodded to them, and I shrugged. “The bad call in last week’s game.”

Tom nodded again. I wasn’t positive, but I think he muttered, “Bullshit,” under his breath. Every week there was a “bad call” or Jenna’s teammates let her down. It was never Jenna. She never failed. Others failed her.

Jake approached, all smiles. “I take it Karen’s okay?” I asked.

“Oh, she’s still suffering.” Jake tried to stop smiling and put on a serious face.

“What’s the joke?” asked Tom.

“Well, you know how she’s always farting?” Jake rubbed his hands together, looking for the words.

All of us nodded, even Jess who had only recently met Karen.

“Turns out she’s lactose intolerant.”

Minnie put her hand to her mouth and muttered, “Oh no. We had cheese enchiladas for dinner.”

“And she drank four glasses of milk,” added Jenna.

“Four glasses?” Normally, Jess wasn’t fazed by things, but this shocked her.

“In her defense, they are small juice glasses,” I offered, thinking of the tiny glasses in the dorm room.

Minnie shook her head. “No, they were tall glasses. We went out for dinner.”

“So, what, she has the shits?” asked Tom.

“And the farts.” Jake lost it and buckled over in laughter.