Martin Millar - The Good Fairies of New York.html (17 page)

Morag had. Around ten since she arrived.

'What will we do about the MacLeods?'

It was frightening to be in the same city as the sisters. They were bound to be caught.

It was a time for shared thought and concerted action. So, naturally, they began to argue about whose fault it all was.

Morag ripped some pieces from the bagels and departed haughtily.

Heather was unsure what to do with herself. It was not safe to linger in the street with so many enemies

everywhere, but it was equally unsafe in Dinnie's rooms. He had been upset to the point of violence ever since Heather had walked in unannounced while he was masturbating in front of the television.

'Get out of here, you disgusting little spy!' he screamed.

'I was not spying. I was exhibiting the natural curiosity of a thistle fairy in alien surroundings.'

Dinnie was not placated by this and carried out a savage attack with his bicycle pump. Heather fluttered to the other side of the room.

'You are risking tragedy, you know. A roused fairy is a dangerous thing.'

'I'll rouse this bicycle pump right up your ass.'

'You are breaking the bargain.'

'I'll break your neck.'

Heather regretted purloining enough dollars for Dinnie to buy a new bike. She decided that she'd better not go back for a while and departed to the bar to watch baseball. Inside she was pleased to discover that the Yankees were two up at the top of the seventh and next up was their best left-handed hitter.

Morag and Kerry had been visiting friends of Kerry's, all of whom were unwell. Kerry talked brightly to them

while the unseen Morag used her fairy powers to help them.

They called in on a friend who had a terrible toothache and Morag touched his jaw and cured it, which was just as well as he had no money to go to a dentist. They visited a friend who had hurt his back moving an amplifier and could not get out of bed. Morag gently massaged his spine, producing a miracle cure, which was good as he had no money to go to a doctor.

They called in on a young woman who was perpetually nervous and agoraphobic after being attacked in the street and Morag played soothing Highland airs into her subconscious, thereby bringing her great comfort, which was a relief as she had no money to go to a therapist.

After this Kerry was abnormally tired and went home to bed while Morag hung around on the rooftops.

On the fire escape Morag had a sudden insight that something was wrong. She rushed upstairs to find Kerry being sick on the bedclothes. She was vomiting continually and had already developed a high fever. Morag knew that

this was beyond her powers of healing and phoned for an ambulance.

Kerry was taken away to hospital where they diagnosed an abscess in her intestines brought on by the Crohn's

disease. This had poisoned her system and would kill her if not treated immediately. Surgeons re-opened the

twelve-inch scar in her stomach and removed another small piece of her digestive system.

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Sitting next to her in hospital, Morag was sad. She hated to see Kerry as pale as death with a drip in her arm and a tube running up her nose, a catheter attached to her urethra and another tube coming out of her stomach, draining away the poison.

She reflected that it was fortunate Kerry had such comprehensive health insurance; what happened to people

without health insurance if they got Crohn's disease, Morag could not imagine.

TWENTY-THREE

Friendly birds told the Chinese fairies of widespread troubles; strange fairies were marching and fighting in New York.

Lu-Tang, their sage, a dignified fairy whose white and yellow wings folded neatly over her blue silk tunic, was worried. Neither she nor any of her community knew what to make of it

all.

'But it is all the more reason for us to recover the mirror.'

With troubles around it was most unfortunate for the Bhat Gwa to be lost. It was time for the Festival of the Hungry Ghosts when malevolent spirits were liable to appear. The Chinese fairies did not want to be facing

malevolent spirits without the protection of their Bhat Gwa mirror.

The mirror was at present hidden safely in Magenta's bag and Magenta was marching through the foothills of

Fourth Avenue, keeping an eye out for Joshua and his Persian hordes, and also the Armenians, fierce local

tribesmen.

There were a great deal of fierce local tribesmen on the streets of New York and Magenta was continually

harassed. The worst ones had blue shirts and guns and they never seemed to leave her alone.

Joshua was some streets behind, still searching for her. He asked every tramp he met if they had seen her. Some of them gave him drinks from their bottles, sympathetic to his poor state of health now he no longer had his Fitzroy cocktail to rely on.

The Cornish mercenaries were meanwhile marching back over the Atlantic to England, having failed in their

mission. The Ghanaian tribe were too peaceable to be interested in taking prisoners and were happy to just send them back. They assumed that they had now rid their city of hostile elements and were pleased that they were not facing trouble from their fellow New York fairies.

Unfortunately, the Cu Sidth dog which escaped Maeve's blade was not captured but bolted through Central Park

and followed the scent of the fleeing Scots fairies. Somewhere around 16th Street it came upon two young Italian fairies who had separated from the scouting party to romance in peace on a fire escape. Crazed in the city the dog mauled them before help arrived and the beast ran off.

The Italians were furious. They assumed that their shadowy enemies had sent the dog to attack them. Scenting that it came from the north, they gathered their tribe and prepared to march.

Morag tried to make Kerry as comfortable as possible by feeding her soup and chattering away brightly. She told her tales of Scotland's history and great fairies of the past. She told her what was happening on the street outside, and what was in the newspapers — but as what was in the newspapers was generally more trouble in the Middle

East or Texas abortion clinics being bombed by fanatics, this was not a great success.

'On the positive side,' continued Morag, reading the paper, 'Delta airlines are offering special cheap tickets if you want to fly round America with a friend.'

Morag put the paper down.

'Let's talk about sex,' she said. 'I know you like talking about sex.'

'You're right,' said Kerry. 'You start.'

Morag said she saw a strange thing while visiting Dinnie's room.

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'An advert came on his television where a naked woman was being pissed over. You had to phone up a special

number — 970 P—I—S—S, I think — to hear more about it.'

Kerry said she hoped the young fairy was not shocked by seeing such a thing.

'It's all right,' said Morag, not wanting Kerry to think she was backward in any way. 'Urine fetishism is not unknown among fairies. I believe that among the MacKintoshes it is quite popular.

'But I did see a book in a shop, the exact meaning of which eludes me. It was called
Lesbian Foot Fetishists —

The Movie.
What exactly does this entail?'

Kerry explained, making Morag laugh. She said that men in Scotland would not be so stupid as to read such

things, and Kerry answered she had no doubt they would be if given the chance.

'Where did you see such a book?'

'I went into a sex shop for a look around. I didn't like the sex books at all but I was interested to learn that humans did oral sex.'

She had imagined they would be too clumsy and might hurt each other with their big teeth.

'I suppose fairies are good at it?'

'Of course. I am a noted expert.'

'What a little goldmine of talent you are, Morag.'

Kerry struggled out of bed.

'Nine days left,' she said. 'I must have my poppy back. Where is it?'

'With Magenta, who is walking the streets hiding from the Persian army. You are not well enough to look for her.'

'I will tear them apart for this,' growled Ailsa, eldest of the MacLeod sisters. She glared balefully around her at the hateful city landscape. They were now stranded on a tree in Washington Square Park and they did not like it at all.

'This place is a nightmare,' said Seonaid.

'How will we get home?'

'Where are the MacKintosh and the MacPherson?'

Ailsa shook her head. She did not know. Having lived most of their life on the Isle of Skye they were even less used to cities than Heather and Morag. The confusion of the place interfered with Mairi's second sight and she could not yet locate their prey. When crossing the moonbow they had not been prepared for such a place. Now

they were tired and hungry. Their MacLeod kilts were mud-stained and torn from the chase through the park and the streets.

Ailsa, like her sisters a most beautiful fairy with a proud face under her jagged hair, unsheathed her claymore and slid from the tree to the ground.

'We need food and drink. Follow me.'

Seonaid, Mairi and Rhona followed. They were wary, though not afraid. Mairi sniffed the air.

'That woman who helped Heather and Morag is close. I can sense it.' She sniffed the air again. 'And that man over the road is following her.'

The MacLeods fluttered across the road and floated gently behind Joshua.

Aelric picked some tulips, some daffodils and a bunch of wild thyme.

'Very pretty,' said Aelis, knowing they were for the King's stepdaughter. 'I'm sure she'll love them. However, aren't you meant to be hard at work in the library, learning how to carry out the next stage of the peasants' revolution?'

'It was half-day closing.'

'Fine,' said Aelis. 'But I imagine Chairman Mao still did something useful even on half-day closing. Come and help me print leaflets.'

Today, Aelric's heart was not in the revolution, even though his band of followers had grown to twenty. He spent all his time thinking about Marion, and passing secret messages to her via their contact at court.

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TWENTY-FOUR

Dinnie's pony-tail grew extraordinarily quickly, to his great distress. When Heather struggled in one day with a tube of blue hair dye he locked himself in the bathroom.

'Go away,' he shouted through the door. 'I have already suffered enough today.'

'How?'

'I memorised all the tracks on the first two Slayer albums.'

'I quite liked them,' replied Heather, and proceeded to bully and blackmail Dinnie into letting her in.

'There,' she said afterwards. 'What a braw colour.'

Dinnie was horrified.

'It's awful. You never said anything about blue pony-tails when we made this agreement.'

'I said I would take all steps necessary. It's not my fault you chose to fall in love with a fan of bright clothes, psychedelia and hair dye. If you'd fallen for a young executive I'd have dressed you up in a suit. As it is, let's go and try you out on the world.'

They trooped downstairs. If Cal appeared and laughed at him, Dinnie swore he would beat him round the head,

probably with Heather.

They walked to the health food shop. Heather ignored Dinnie's customary complaints about the horrors of alfalfa and veggie burgers and concentrated on studying the reactions of suitable young women as Dinnie passed. Did

those two young punks on the corner show just a flicker of interest as he strode by? Possibly.

Although still overweight he had lost most of his double chin. His posture was better and, clean-shaven, he looked years younger. She had forbidden him to wear his old brown trousers and though she had still not come up with a suitable replacement for his voluminous brown coat, he was undoubtedly looking more attractive. Heather was

pleased. At least this part of her plan was working.

'Do you have a nickel, sir?' a tramp pleaded as they passed.

'Fuck you,' muttered Dinnie.

Heather coughed.

Dinnie dropped some change into his cup.

'Doesn't that make you feel good?' asked Heather, to which Dinnie grunted an unintelligible reply.

Cornwall was wet and very cold, but in the workhouses the fairies were well wrapped up. Although they no longer had freedom, the new spinning machines had greatly increased production and there was more cloth for cloaks and blankets.

Tala the King was in council with Magris and his barons, discussing trade. The French fairies across the Channel in Breton were keen to import Tala's cloth and had placed a large order. Unfortunately this order could no longer be met due to Aelric destroying the cloth factory. The discussion was interrupted by news of the return of the mercenaries from America.

Tala was furious at the failure. He abandoned discussion of exchange rates and insisted that new plans were laid to recapture the fugitives.

This was frustrating for Magris, who had been anxious to put before the King his plan for a large fairy township which he saw as the logical next step in their society's development.

Tala would not listen to this now and demanded that Magris immediately devise a strategy for a general invasion of New York. If necessary he would send the entire English fairy host across the Atlantic.

'Look at this propaganda leaflet!' he thundered. 'It proclaims Petal and Tulip as the rightful rulers of the Cornish fairy kingdom! What will happen if these leaflets are successfully distributed? While that pair are still alive, the rebel Aelric will always be able to make trouble.'