Mascot Madness! (4 page)

Newton looked shocked.

So did Jenny. ‘You think Newton messing up is the problem?' she said.

‘No, no, no,' said Mr Brainfright. ‘It's what Newton said: “I'm always messing up.” Mr Grunt seems to be doing his level best to convince you all that you're losers. I don't think there's anything wrong with you that a good dose of self-esteem and positive thinking wouldn't fix.'

‘I don't think that's the problem,' said Fiona. ‘Personally, I have very high self-esteem. Northwest West Academy are simply unbeatable—
that's
the problem!'

‘No, Fiona,' said Mr Brainfright. ‘Even you could do with a morale boost. Tell me, what is the Northwest Southeast Central School mascot?'

‘We don't have one,' I said.

‘You don't?' said Mr Brainfright, brightening. ‘Well, don't worry—I've got just the thing!'

‘What is it?' I asked.

Mr Brainfright winked. ‘Top secret,' he said, tapping the side of his nose. ‘I'll bring it in tomorrow.'

At that moment Jack staggered into the
classroom, looking like death after his fifty laps.

‘Did I miss anything?' he said.

‘No,' said Mr Brainfright, unable to contain his excitement. ‘Not yet!'

We sat in class the next morning waiting for Mr Brainfright to arrive.

Clive Durkin was flicking spitballs.

Jack was drawing a cartoon featuring a giant spitball that looked a lot like Clive.

Newton was looking worried.

Jenny was kneeling beside his desk, comforting him.

Gina and Penny were plaiting the colourful manes of their toy horses.

Suddenly, the door of the classroom burst open.

‘YIKES!' yelled Newton.

Coming through the doorway was a banana.

A big, yellow, dancing banana.

I know that sounds crazy, but I don't know how else to describe it.

It was big.

It was yellow.

It was banana-shaped.

And it was dancing.

It was definitely a big, yellow, dancing banana.

We all sat there and stared (except for Newton, who dived under his desk). It's not every day that a big yellow dancing banana comes into your classroom. But before David could get his handbook out to check whether big yellow dancing bananas were permitted in the school, the banana launched into a series of backflips, somersaults and cartwheels.

It cartwheeled three times across the front of the classroom, along the row of desks beside the windows, across the back of the classroom, up the other side, across the front again—and then went straight out the window!

Everyone sat there staring.

‘Did a big yellow dancing banana just cartwheel around the classroom and fall out the window?' said Jack, rubbing his eyes.

‘I think so,' I said.

‘Good,' he said. ‘For a moment there I thought I was seeing things.'

‘I'm scared,' whimpered Newton from underneath his desk.

I knew how he felt. The sight of a giant
banana brought back a flood of bad memories . . . memories that I would sooner have forgotten.

‘I'm confused,' said Fiona, which was unusual; she was so smart that she was rarely confused about anything. ‘Why was there a giant banana in our classroom? And why was it doing cartwheels?'

‘I didn't know bananas could even do cartwheels,' said Gretel.

‘Or somersaults,' said Grant.

‘We should see if it's all right,' said Jenny, getting up and going to the window. She leaned out. ‘Are you okay?' she called.

‘Yes, I'm fine, thank you,' called a voice from below.

‘That's weird,' said Clive. ‘It sounds just like Mr Brainfright.'

‘That's because it
is
Mr Brainfright!' said Gretel.

‘But what's Mr Brainfright doing in a banana suit?' said Newton.

‘Let's ask him,' I said.

‘Mr Brainfright, why are you wearing a banana suit?' Jenny called out.

‘This isn't just a banana suit,' Mr Brainfright called back. ‘Meet the new Northwest Southeast Central mascot!'

After Mr Brainfright made his way back into class and took off the suit, he told us all about it.

‘I think this is the solution to your athletic problems,' he said, holding up the suit. ‘An inspiring mascot!'

‘I can see that a bright, colourful mascot could act as a rallying agent for our school and encourage and inspire us,' said Fiona. ‘But a banana?'

‘Yes, a banana,' said Mr Brainfright. ‘Believe me, nothing will strike fear into the heart of your opponent more than the sight of a giant banana.'

‘Confuse them, more like,' said Jack.

‘Even better,' said Mr Brainfright. ‘A confused opponent is a weakened opponent.'

Nothing will strike fear into the heart of your opponent more than the sight of a giant banana.

A confused opponent is a weakened opponent.

‘You really like bananas, don't you, Mr Brainfright?' said Jenny.

‘What's not to like?' he replied. ‘They are bright and cheerful in colour, easy to peel, and taste great. Plus they're good for you.'

‘But where did you get a banana suit?' said Gretel.

‘I found it!'

‘You
found
a banana suit?' said Gretel.

‘Yes!' Mr Brainfright beamed. ‘It was one of the happiest days of my life. I was taking a shortcut across a vacant lot and I found the suit lying in a puddle. I took it home, cleaned it up, and it was as good as new. Why anybody would want to throw away a perfectly good banana suit is completely beyond me!'

It wasn't beyond me, though.

I knew exactly how it got there.

And to tell you the truth, I would have been happy never to see it again.

Mr Brainfright held it up. ‘So,' he said, ‘who wants to be the banana and inspire Northwest Southeast Central School to victory?'

We all looked at each other.

‘Hmm,' said Mr Brainfright. ‘Well, what about you, Gretel?'

‘No, we can't spare Gretel,' said David. ‘We need her for shot-put, javelin and discus.'

‘Then how about you, David?'

‘Oh no, sir,' said David. ‘I'm a long-distance runner and I also do the long jump. I don't think I could do those in a banana suit.'

‘Good point,' said Mr Brainfright, looking around the room. ‘Penny and Gina. Are either of you interested?'

‘No, Mr Brainfright,' said Gina. ‘We do the hurdles.'

‘Our horses love the hurdles,' said Penny.

‘Grant?' said Mr Brainfright.

‘Pole vault,' said Grant.

‘Jenny?'

‘Relay, sir.'

‘Jack?'

‘Um, er, I have to focus on my event,' said Jack.

‘Which is?' said Mr Brainfright.

‘Triple jump,' he said, with a perfectly straight face.

The class laughed.

Jack grinned. ‘What about you, Henry?' he said, trying to deflect attention from himself.

‘No,' I said. ‘I can't.'

‘Do you have a special event?' Mr Brainfright asked me.

‘Yes,' I lied. ‘I have to do a sports report for the school newsletter.' Well, it wasn't really a lie—it was the truth, although it wasn't the whole truth about why I couldn't possibly be the banana mascot.

‘What's the matter, Henry?' said Jenny. ‘You've gone all red!'

‘Oh,' I said, ‘have I? It's very hot in here . . .'

‘But the windows are wide open,' said Jack.

‘I can vouch for that!' said Mr Brainfright.

‘So,' said Mr Brainfright, ‘nobody wants to be the banana mascot?' He looked around the room.

Nobody volunteered.

Especially not me.

‘Well,' he said, with a big smile, ‘I guess that leaves me!'