Masked & Miserable: A Novella of the Sacred Hearts MC (Book 3.5) (6 page)

“Yeah,” I said.

“But I bet if we asked him he’d tell us what was what,”
Dragon said.

“Probably,” I agreed, because that was how it was. You
weren’t supposed to hide things from your brothers. Guilt swirled in my chest,
just behind my breastbone and the bitter taste of my lies and falsehoods choked
me and turned the fine tequila I’d just drunk to ashes in my mouth. I knew what
was coming… The silence hung too thick and full between us. Pregnant with so
many things unsaid.

“You really going to make me ask?” he sniffed and took
another drag on his cigarette, jettisoning twin streams of smoke from his nose,
so much like you would picture his namesake doing. He sighed resigned, the
silence having stretched for eons between us.

“Okay. Have it your way boy,” he stubbed out his cigarette
and made to get up, and I just knew that this was it. That this was the end of
me and being a part of this MC if I didn’t speak up, that it was officially the
end of the line and I either put up or shrugged out of this prospect’s cut here
and now and I didn’t want that… I didn’t want to let go of the club but
terrified as I was about coming clean I had to. It was now or never and so I
just blurted it out,

“I’m gay!”

I felt the tears rise hot and fierce, my vision blurring
with them. Dragon looked at me and sank back into his seat and waited, but I
was waiting too. For the look of disgust, for the screaming and the yelling,
for the accusations and recriminations...

“Well it’s about time,” was all he said and I choked, hard.
I wasn’t supposed to cry! Fuck man. Biker’s didn’t cry,
my father’s son was
not supposed to be some pansy assed faggot!
And it was that last thought
that had my shoulders rounding and my head bowing. The tears fell free and I fucking
cried, big, wracking, shame filled fucking tears and waited for the first blow
to land.

It landed all right, just not in the way I expected.
Dragon’s hand fell onto my shoulder and gripped it through the leather of my
prospect’s cut and jacket. He shook me back and forth gently and said, “Easy
boy. It’s all right,” and his voice didn’t hold any malice or reproach. Just a
gentle, steady, rock solid support which just made me come unglued even harder
and then Dragon, the President of the Sacred Hearts motorcycle club did
something completely unprecedented.

He hugged me.

Squick…

“You all right?” he drawled after I’d settled down some. I
was sitting back in my seat. Numb. He pushed my unfinished glass of tequila
toward me and I stared at it for a long minute.

“Put that down,” he ordered and I obediently picked up the
glass and swallowed. The alcohol burned going down my raw throat and I welcomed
it like I welcomed the bite and sting of the needle. I sniffed.

“Been holding that in a good long while, yeah?” he asked and
I nodded mutely, afraid to speak. It seemed Dragon was content to do all the
talking for now.

“You’re coming up, boy. You and Zander both, but that’s not
why you told me. I can see it plain as day. You asked me if it was really that
bad with The Suicide Kings and you was thinkin’ of somethin’, what was it?” he
asked.

I sighed. It was out now. My dirty little secret and I
didn’t know what it meant for me or for my standing with the club but Aaron was
right. I felt lighter, freer somehow and whatever happened next I didn’t want
to think about but I felt like maybe I could deal with it.

“It wasn’t a something, it was someone,” I sucked in a
breath. This wasn’t something… I mean if it were Ashton or one of the girls
sitting here this part would be a whole hell of a lot less awkward.

“Jesus Christmas boy, just spit it out!” Dragon chuckled and
I blushed.

“I met him a couple of nights ago, at the shop… he came in
for a tattoo and,” I struggled to find the words. I didn’t know how to talk
about this with anyone.

“Boy, I’m old… You tell
my
boy Dray I ‘fessed up to
that I’ll deny it,” he lit up another cigarette, “You met a boy you thought was
a hot piece of ass am I right?” I choked on a laugh and nodded.

“We hit it off, turned out he’s um… like me,” Dragon sighed.

“Someone, I’m betting yer daddy, did a number on you didn’t
he?” he asked and it was a lot kinder than I ever thought Dragon capable of.

“I uh, I figured it out when I was around fourteen. Came out
to my parents and sister when I was fifteen. My dad kicked my ass out,” Dragon
snorted like he wasn’t really surprised and I winced, “Was homeless for the
better part of a year when this guy, a tattoo artist named Rusty took me in.”

“Did he know?” Dragon asked and poured me a little more
tequila.

“Yeah, but we never exactly talked about it,” I told him
what Rusty had told me and about the general don’t ask/don’t tell policy and
Dragon shook his head with a sigh.

“You know you’re going to have to come out to the rest of
the guys’ right? I’m not going to do it for you,” he said and I swallowed.

“Yeah I kind of figured,” I said somberly.

“You’ve been dealt a real shitty hand Squick.” I bowed my
head.

“You know how I got that name?” I asked. Dragon arched a
brow and I took it for what it was, his silent way of saying ‘No, but why don’t
you tell me?’

“Rusty started calling me by it and I asked him why. He told
me it was because of what I was, it wasn’t for him and it squicked him out.” I
sighed.

“Sounds like Rusty was a pretty flawed individual,” Dragon
said.

“Yeah, I didn’t get it. He took me in, fed me, clothed me,
gave me a job, taught me all kinds of shit and how to get by and survive.
Treated me like the kid he never had but he always kept me at arm’s length
because of what I was. He was like the father I was supposed to have in all
things except that one area you know?” Dragon nodded.

“Closer than the one you were born too,” he observed and I
nodded rapidly.

“By a long mile,” I agreed.

“You understand that none of those people were your real family
don’t you?” he asked.

“Family doesn’t do that. They accept you whole heartedly,
one hundred percent for who you are. They
love
you, but don’t always
like
you. They fight with you and drive you nuts like nobody’s business but an
outsider comes ‘round fucking with you, then
real
family is right there
beside you until the outside threat is over,” his deep dark eyes bored into my
own as his words sank deep.

“The club has been like that for me. Trigger and Zander especially
have been like that for me, I just… I’m…” I just didn’t want to see the looks
of disappointment on their faces. I didn’t want to see the disgust or the
shame.

Dragon leaned back in his chair and let out a gusty sigh.
“You sure you aren’t sellin’ ‘em short?” he asked and I blinked. I sat silent
and mulled it over. He patted me on the shoulder as he got up. “Think about it.
Club meeting this Saturday night. You can tell the rest of ‘em then,” he said.

“What if I can’t?” I asked quietly, needing to know.

“Can’t be having secrets… of any kind. Not from your
Brothers,” he said softly and lumbered down the back hallway.

I sat for a long time, finished my tequila and stared at my
phone. I wanted to call Aaron and rather than fight it like I’d been fighting
so many things for so very long… I just didn’t. I gave in to the urge and
dialed and felt like some kind of needy ass for doing it but he answered on the
first ring and his voice chased every doubt I’d had in my mind about calling,
right out of my head.

“Andy? Is your friend, I mean brother… whoever all right?”
he asked me by way of greeting and I had to swallow hard past the sudden lump
in my throat. Aaron seemed to get me faster than anyone I’d ever met in my
entire life.

“Yeah, yeah he’s good. I had to bring him to the club, he’s
passed out in one of the spare rooms. I uh, I should go check on him in a minute.
I just wanted to call you,” I said.

“I’m glad you did. I was a little worried, sometimes drunk
people can be difficult,” he said and I could hear his rueful smile.

“Yeah, well Dragon was here, he helped me get Ghost all
squared away,” I paused and Aaron caught the significance behind it.

“Andy, what happened Baby?” he asked, concern shading his
tone.

“Dragon and I had a talk,” I said.

“
A
talk?” he asked kindly.

“
The
talk,” I affirmed solemnly. Aaron was silent for
a long time.

“Oh. Um, what did he say?”

“That I was on my own for coming out to the guys and that
I’m doing it this weekend,” I huffed a breath.

“Did he seem upset?” Aaron asked.

“No.”

“Disappointed?” he asked.

“No.” I frowned, what was Aaron getting at?

“Dragon is your leader, yeah? The President?”

“Yeah… Aaron what’re you getting at?” I asked. I was tired
from a long day at the shop and stressed out from everything I felt like a
frayed piece of rope and my thoughts just weren’t falling into line. They were
just all scattered like and so I just wasn’t picking up what Aaron was putting
down. I just had
so much
to think about…
Too much
to think about.

“If Dragon is your leader and he didn’t get upset, chances
are pretty decent the majority fall in line with his thinking… At any rate, I’m
telling you to think positive here,” he huffed out a breath and I echoed the
sentiment.

“You’re probably right,” I hedged.

“But you’re going to worry about it anyways. Tie yourself
into knots?”

“Probably,” I agreed, chagrined. Aaron laughed softly.

“You stuck there? Can you come back tonight?”

“I wish I could, but naw. I gotta look after Ghost.” Man, I
wanted very badly to curl up with Aaron and talk this out between rounds of
dirty sex. He was so fucking good.

“Okay,” he sounded about as disappointed as I felt.

“I gotta go,” I said.

“Okay, call me tomorrow morning?”

“You bet.”

We said our goodbyes which were sappy, but surprisingly I
didn’t mind so much. I hated to admit it to myself but Aaron had become a sort
of lifeline. An anchor during uncertain times and in unchartered waters for me
and I had some mixed feelings about that. On the one hand, I was so grateful
that he was there and that I could talk to someone who
understood
… on
the other hand, I was acutely aware that Aaron and I had literally
just met
and that doing this to him was less than fair.

I checked on Ghost who was in rough shape. He was still dead
to the world and I was glad I’d put him in the rest position before I’d left
the room because he’d gotten sick again in his passed out state. It was going
to be a long night, but one thing was for sure, I needed to have another talk
with Aaron. Make sure that he was as okay as he sounded with me using him as a
lifeline in all of this because as much as I wanted to be able to stand on my
own, I really had to admit to myself that I needed him. That part of me needed
him behind me, in my corner and after the last couple of days of having someone
beside me that
knew
what it was like for me, I didn’t want to let that
go and I really wasn’t done getting to know him.

I liked Aaron. A lot, and I guess what it really boiled down
to was that I didn’t want him to feel like I was using him. I didn’t want to
use him. All of these thoughts and more turned over in my mind as I got Ghost
cleaned up and into a shower and the bed stripped and remade. The night turned
into one of the longest I ever remember living through, and when I’d been out
on the street… there had been a lot of really long nights.

Squick…

The next morning I sat at the same table in the common room
that Dragon and I had used the night before. I was staring blankly into the
large, steaming mug of black coffee I had cradled in my hand. I kept playing
and replaying the conversation with Dragon in my head over and over again and
was deciding on how to best put my house in order.

I liked Aaron despite our short acquaintance and I really
wanted to give things with him a solid shot. Get to know him better, spend some
real time with him. I’d never felt that way about a guy before. All my past
interludes and forays into romance could hardly be called that. I’d never
really tried at a relationship before. Every other encounter I’d had was pretty
much an anonymous encounter or a week or two fling at best. I’d lied my ass off
that first time with Aaron, telling him I didn’t do one night stands… I just
hadn’t wanted to do a one night stand with
him,
because something deep
down told me Aaron was different than anyone I’d met before, that Aaron
deserved better,
was
better than that.

He was the first person I’d ever encountered that I felt an
honest and true connection with. That was more than just good looks and a round
of rowdy sex. Having sex with him on the first date had been impulsive as hell,
sure, but there was more to it than that at the same time. Hell! I didn’t know
how to explain it. It just
was
and I felt so completely torn in two over
it. Mostly because now, more than ever I had before, I felt like I was at a
fork in the road. Down one fork, a life with my brothers and the MC I had so
dearly grown to love and down the other… a life without hiding anymore.

Truth be told, I had been standing at this particular fork
in the road for some time, just now, with Aaron it was more of a crossroads
than just a fork. I just wasn’t sure if one of the directions I could travel
was an all-inclusive deal. MC, Aaron and a life without hiding. The best of all
worlds. I chewed my lower lip and thought about, just
everything
, when a
ragged cough brought my head snapping up.

Ghost looked like shit. His jacket and cut hung on him
awkwardly, his pants disheveled and wrinkled from sleeping in them. His hair
stuck up at odd angles, greasy and unwashed. His eyes were bloodshot and bleary
and he looked like he was about to keel over from exhaustion any second but
that was likely a byproduct of being hung over and of
just
waking up. He
eyed me from across the common room warily.

“You come and get me?” he asked.

“Yup.”

“Was I an asshole?” he asked and I laughed a little.

“Naw. Even when you’re a depressed drunk you’re a happy
drunk,” I said. He made a non-committal noise of acknowledgement and trudged
into the common room, his boots chuffing against the floor with each step, he
hadn’t bothered to lace or tie them on.

Ghost dropped into the seat across from me and scrubbed his
face with his hands leaning way back in his seat, stretching. I’m pretty sure I
heard his back pop a couple of times where he bent back over the backrest on
the old wood chair. He let out a grunt of an exhale and sagged in the seat. I
pushed my untouched cup of coffee towards him.

“Here, you need this a lot more than I do,” I told him. He
nodded and groped out for the mug and brought it to his face. He sucked some
into his mouth and winced at the bitterness before swallowing it down.

“Dude I feel like shit,” he groused.

“Dude you
look
like it too,” I shot at him, he
frowned.

“Thanks,” he grated.

“You, uh, want to talk about it?” I asked. He glared at me
and stared me down until I put up my hands and ducked my head in surrender.

“Need to be anywhere?” he asked.

“Uh, yeah. I left my bike at a buddy’s place. He gave me a
ride to the bar so I could drive you in,”

He raised his eyebrows, “You drove my work truck?” he asked.

I shrugged, “It’s an automatic and it’s not like you were in
any shape to ride. It’s fine, it’s parked out front.” I shook my head a little
incredulous. Ungrateful bastard.

“Dude, didn’t mean it like that. Don’t be such a fucking
queen,” he said gruffly and swallowed more coffee, it was my turn to have my
eyebrows go up.

“Let me ask you something,” I said and I am not sure if it
was my expression or my tone but Ghost’s angry expression of a second before
smoothed out his hazel eyes, more brown than green, going a little wide.

“Sure, man…” he trailed off and slumped back in his seat
from where he’d straightened with his indignancy.

“Why you guys always calling me gay? Making fun of me and
shit?” I asked and Ghost blinked and reddened with embarrassment.

“I… uh… er…” he exhaled harshly, “Shit man!” he exclaimed,
“I don’t know… I guess it’s not just any one thing. You don’t give a second
look to any of the club girls or ol’ ladies, you sing with Ashton like it ain’t
no thing. When one of the girls needs an opinion on colors or whatever they go
to
you.
I didn’t think it bothered you to be honest,” he closed his
mouth and looked taken aback or surprised. I took a deep breath and soldiered
on…

“What if I were? Would it make any difference?” I asked
softly and Ghost’s shoulders dropped. He looked at me, really looked at me and
sighed softly.

“No man. Not to me,” he said softly, “Don’t think Trig or
Zander or Reave would give a fuck either. Why are you asking?” his eyes bounced
in his skull as he looked me over, searching my face for any clue as to what
this was all about and I chewed my lip.

“Just forget it man. I’ve just got a lot on my mind,” I said
and he tilted his head to the side and regarded me.

“Do
you
want to talk about it?” he asked and I stared
at him in a silent regard of my own. He nodded finally.

“Fair enough,” he said finally when the silence had grown
thick between us, “You ever do, you know where to find me Brother,” he held up
his hand and I clasped it and shook it.

“Yeah,” I nodded, “Same goes for you.” We sat in a
comfortable silence for a time, each of us lost in our own heads while he
finished his coffee, then he drove me out to Aaron’s apartment, dropping me off
at the curb. He watched me go up and knock on the door and only pulled off when
it opened for me and I waved down to him. Couldn’t be too careful, not with the
Suicide Kings yet to make a move. They were making us nervous as fuck with how
quiet they’d been the last five months.

Aaron stood inside his apartment looking sleep tousled and
delicious in just a comfortable pair of pajama pants riding low on his chiseled
hipbones, one tug on the draw string and he’d lose them. I eyed him hungrily
and he eyed me back warily for a second. I smiled slowly and he relaxed
marginally.

“You’re looking at me like I’m something good to eat,” he
stated dryly and I felt my smile grow.

“Don’t mind if I do,” I said and pulled him against my body,
picking up pretty much right where we’d been forced to leave off the night
before.