MASON (Second Chance Novels Book 2) (17 page)

"No," I shake my head. "No, I only want you to understand. You are perfect, Shelby. You are sexy and smart, and I have fun with you. But the whole time, I hid myself from you. Remember the shooting range? That was the best date of my life, but not even close to the best for you. So, I made sure I was what you needed. I had myself convinced that eventually I would be good for you without trying. The truth is I never deserved you, because I'm not the guy you need. I'm
so sorry
."

"You bastard," she grits, the angry sound now compounded by choking tears. "Without
trying
? Sorry I was so much fucking
work
for you, Mason. God! Didn't you get it?? I love you! I'm fucking in love with you and you don't even exist? I'm such an idiot! And you are nothing but one GIANT. WALKING. LIE. How could you do that?"

"I'm sorry," I say again. I'm trying to keep myself even but maintaining calm is so difficult. Part of me wants to comfort her and tell her all this is a joke, and that she's still mine and I'm still hers. Part of me doesn't want to let go of the lie, no matter how desperately I want a life with Sofia. I'm breaking up with a part of myself, too. This is the exact moment when I finally accept the reality I already understood. I can't have it both ways. I never could, and I was lying to myself more vehemently than I ever realized. So much for my intelligence.
 

This acute shattering of one of my worlds is painful, and nothing but harsh reality reigns. There will be no picket fence happy ending for me. But when Sofia's face floats through my consciousness, I'm able to shed the constraints of my purposefully-simple existence. Seeing Shelby's pained expression causes my heart to grieve the loss of that life, and for causing her to lose that same life at no fault of her own. Worse than my own pain is Shelby's.
 

Shelby starts pacing slowly around the room, looking very lost and angry. I sit and watch, waiting for some sign guiding me to my next move. Shit, I don't need to focus on my next
move
, only on allowing Shelby whatever she needs. No matter how unintentionally, I've been doing far too much manipulating.
 

"I would ask if this is really over, but we never had anything at all," she whispers in devastating understanding. She paces a few more steps before she stops and looks at me in sort of a sad shock. "You need to leave."

I stand, wanting to hug her goodbye, to leave things on a civil note between us. The anger and hurt on her face shoves that thought away. There's no possible word or course of action that will change the hurt. I hit her with a fucking wrecking ball, and I can do nothing but nod at her. Goodbye is the only word I dare to speak. I walk to my truck and sit in the driver's seat for the moment with my head resting heavily against the seat-back behind me. I look at the steering wheel, wondering if I have any right to drive. I fuck up nearly every direction in my own life too damn easily to trust myself right now to steer even a fucking rusted pickup truck.
 

The pain on Shelby's face alone inspires me to leave. Staying within her view will only cause more hurt. I can't fucking do that. Instead of returning to Sofia, I drive to Second Chance and let myself in the back door. This has been my second home, and I want a drink. I'm not ready to face my future with Sofia just yet. I'm harboring too much self-hatred and guilt right now. Everything ugly in my brain from my past has filtered up to play along with my current fuck up, reminding me why I can't be the guy I wanted to be for Shelby.
 

"Mason?" Ledger says as he walks out from his back office to see me grabbing a bottle from the shelf.
 

"I didn't see your Jeep," I grumble as reach for a shot glass, wishing his therapist-wannabe ass wasn't here.
 

"Cam dropped me off," he says, eyeing me carefully.
 

Damn it, I don't need his shit right now. I just want to drink alone and avoid everything for a while. He looks at me with deep concern and sits beside me at the bar. "What happened?"

"I ended it with Shelby."

"Jesus," he says, shaking his head.

I toss my first shot back and poor myself another.
 

"Don't do it like this," Ledger says, shaking his head at me. "You're better than this."

"Apparently I'm not," I say, tipping back the second shot. I slam the glass down a bit too hard and I don't care. I keep glass to wood only long enough to pour so I can fucking shoot another.

A half hour and a few more shots later, Ledger is still sitting with me, shaking his head every so often at me getting myself drunk like an idiot. And even with my brain beyond tipsy, I'm aware enough to know what he's doing. He's waiting for me to get drunk enough to talk about my problems. Well fuck him. I'm not going to talk at all.
 

Until I have another shot. Goddamn, I'm drunk.
 

"Will you tell me what happened
now
?" Ledger asks.
 

"I told you. I ended it with Shelby."

"That's not everything," he says, knowing how to read me far too well.

"Right you are, asshole!" I announce like a game show host right before dropping my shoulders in defeat. "I ended it, but
after
I fucked Sofia last night…
a lot
. I'm such a goddamn bastard! You were right the whole fucking time."
 

My words are slurred so badly. I haven't consumed this much alcohol since the night after I got myself booted from the Army.
 

"Shit, Mason."

"Yeah," I smirk with a drunken, sad chuckle. Then I can't control myself any longer. With a very quiet voice, I finally admit my worst weakness. "I failed my mission, Ledge. I couldn't pretend anymore. I lost the me I wanted."

Ledger placed a brotherly hand on my shoulder. "Wrong damn mission, my friend."

Ledger takes the bottle away from me and walks my chance at total numbness around the bar. I'd go get it, but I'm not sure I'd have enough balance. Still quietly I admit one more thing. "I feel like shit, but last night was the best fucking night of my life."

I nod at myself and drop my head to the bar. "But today…the look on Shelby's face killed me. She didn't deserve that," I slur even more now that the last shot is sinking in. "I fucked up so bad with her."

Ledger doesn't say anything, because there's no denial or comfort for me when it comes to Shelby. I
did
fuck up, and no amount of conversation or alcohol will change that. Ledger leaves me alone to stare up-close at the woodgrain of the bar. I roll my forehead against the bar as I shake my head at myself. I don't deserve Sofia. Shelby doesn't deserve to feel like she does. And now what are we going to do here at the bar? Shelby will stay away because of me, then all of us will suffer from my fuck up.

"Ledger!" I call out like the belligerent drunk I am. "I'm quitting this damn job!"

Just then Sofia walks in from the back entrance. Ledger is right behind her. I look up stupidly at both of them, then turn my anger on Ledger. "You fucking called her? You asshole…"

I stand up to kick his ass, but I sway on the spot and sit back down. Fuck. This is why I don't let myself lose control. Control? Ha! I couldn't control my act with Shelby and I couldn't control my desire for Sofia last night. Control is a fucking illusion.
 

Ledger walks to his office again without a word, leaving me alone with Sofia.

"Don't," I say to her.

"Don't what," she asks, looking at me calmly and without judgment. In those cute damn jeans.

"You have a sexy tummy."

"You do too."

"And your ass is perfect."

"Thank you."

"And I like your toes."

"My toes?" she cracks a tiny smile. I don't deserve that smile.

"Just…don't," I repeat.
 

She waits patiently beside me for a while, then gets a glass of water for herself, and one for me, too. I don't want any fucking water. I don't want to feel better.
 

"You know, no one can kick my ass," I announce rather loudly to no one in particular while she's behind the bar.

"I know," Sofia says to placate me.

"Except Jack Daniels."

"Good point. But you don't need your ass kicked," she says plainly, rubbing her hand through my hair now. I rest my head on the bar again so she has an easier reach. I don't want her to stop, and holding my head up right now is too damn hard anyway.
 

"Don't…" I try to start, but my thoughts can't pull themselves together well enough to make a sentence.

"I'm not doing anything, Mason," she promises me. "I'm not judging. I'm not angry. I'm not worried. I'm not letting you off your guilt. I'm just here."

 
I can't believe she can fucking understand me so well. No wonder I love her so much.

"You should have seen her," I mumble almost incoherently at this point. "Angry…hurt…hates me."

Sofia simply moves her nails quietly through my short hair. She shouldn't have to listen to me talk about Shelby. That's so wrong, but my mouth won't stop spilling what my heart needs to purge. Sofia's willing to take it all anyway.
 

"I tried so hard," I mutter bitterly. "But all I did was toy with her. But I didn't mean to. I promise I didn't mean to."

I look up and see Sofia regarding me softly. "I know you didn't."

I'm searching her beautiful face — the expression in her eyes is one of understanding and patience. For the moment, she looks like an angel. She's glowing and hazy, and too beautiful for someone like myself to look at. I haven't earned the right to gaze into those deep brown eyes. So I lay down and close my eyes. I feel her hand stroke my hair again until I fall under, not feeling anything at all.

I wake up, still slightly drunk with my head slowly throbbing in the background. My mouth is dry and my eyes are blurry. Jesus. I see a glass of juice beside me and a few Tylenol to go with it. I down them both and rub my hands over my face, trying to sober up and figure out what the hell time it is and what the hell I did or said when I was drunk. Aside from Sofia showing up, I remember very little. I can hear her and Ledger talking down the hall in his office.

Their voices are hushed, and I can't make out what they're saying. One glance at the clock, however, tells me that I'm both drunk and hungover at five in the afternoon. So this is the guy I'm becoming. I walk myself into the office and apologize right away.
 

"It's alright," Ledger says with genuine understanding. "But I'll charge you for the Jack if it makes you feel better."

I smirk then look to Sofia for her reaction, and all I see is a small smile meant only for me. "
Non ti preoccupare,
Mason
,"
she says softly. She stands and says goodbye to Ledger as she walks me to the back door and to
her
car. "We'll get your truck later."

I sit in her passenger seat and drop my head back like I did this morning, which feels like ages ago. Guilt has a way of making every second drag on like hours. We ride to my place in silence. Before we get out of the car, though, I hold her arm gently back and look at her from my resting place against her seat. She rests back with me and looks over. She's waiting for me to talk, but I'm not sure what I could say. So instead, I duck out completely and try to get her to hold up the conversation.
 

"What did you and Ledge talk about?" I ask, guilt still searing my gut for this entire day.

"We talked mostly about work, the investigation, a little about Cam," she says easily. Then she smiles. "I told him how much fun we've been having screwing with all the assholes on the board. He laughed particularly hard at the fake rats at the Health Inspector's house."

I offer a sad smirk. "Yeah, that was a good one."

She looks at me for another moment then gets herself more comfortable in her chair. "Let me tell you what you said when you were drunk," she says out of nowhere, facing me up to what I was avoiding. "You wanted someone to kick your ass, but since no one could, you did it to yourself. Your guilt over Shelby was obvious…and you quit your job."

"I did?" I ask, sadly amused. "Well…yeah. I guess I should."

"Make that decision when your head isn't so fucked up."

I look at the floorboards of the car; Sofia sits patiently beside me. "I'm sorry," I finally say to her. "I should have handled this differently from the beginning."

"Me too," she says, surprising me. I look over at her.

"What?"

"Listen, Mason, I noticed you the first minute I walked onto the scene at Cam's disappearance. You had the eye, and I knew right away who you are as a man. You were strong, determined, and brilliant. Then working with you…I was pissed at myself because there was a girl missing, and I had to force myself not to get distracted by you. Then we found her, and I had no excuse to see you. You had Shelby, and I had no right to even consider you."

I watch her speak, surprised at how far back her attraction went. We both knew this was something before either of us even spoke. Amazing. "You don't have to say all this," I tell her. I don't want her to feel responsible for putting the bandage on my emotional booboo. It's about damn time I man up, but Sofia speaks up again.