Matricide at St. Martha's (27 page)

The Mistress grinned proudly.

‘Number one murder she’d fingered Windlesham. Number two, she thought was Jack. Then she had some second thoughts during Jack’s speech because of the effect it had on Sandra.’

‘Which was?’

‘Rage. Holdness admitted to us that she thought Sandra unhinged by Jack’s election and feared she might do something violent and it was then she began to wonder if she already had.’

‘And Sandra’s admitted it?’

‘Yep. She was so out of control that she let it all out. Killing Jack proved too difficult, so she decided to murder – or at least seriously injure – Dame Maud. That, she thought, would knock the stuffing out of the Virgins. But then, although Windlesham was prepared to cooperate to some extent with Bridget, Sandra decided it would be simpler to see her off and put Bridget fully in charge. One successful murder made a second seem logical.’

‘The doctored ladder is one thing,’ said Amiss. ‘Even the blunderbuss. But stabbing someone seems unlikely for such a wimp.’

‘She took anatomy at college; she knew what she was about and she had sharpened up Mary Lou’s paper knife most efficiently.’

‘Any remorse?’

‘No. She blames the victims.’

‘I look forward to her defence,’ said the Mistress. ‘It should be entertaining.’

When they had chewed over the previous several days as well as their dinners and the Mistress was at the brandy-and-pipe stage, she leaned back and surveyed them both benignly.

‘Happy endings in prospect, then. Presumably you, Ellis, go back to London festooned with laurels from a grateful Cambridgeshire police force?’

‘Well certainly a few nice words from Hardiman.’

‘And Romford?’

‘It’s not too bad for him really. He was fed up anyway and the early retirement deal is very good and now that Mrs Romford’s got a full-time job they’ll be financially pretty comfortable.’

‘Doesn’t he feel humiliated?’

‘No, he’s got a touch of the Sandras really – always blames everyone except himself. He complained a bit about how disgraceful it was that there was no room for God in the modern police force, reminisced nostalgically about that peculiar God-cop who used to be Chief Constable of Manchester and cracked down on a large range of people he considered undesirable, but then told me that God moved in mysterious ways and that no doubt all this persecution was designed to give him the opportunity to evangelize more.’

‘I suppose that’s good news,’ said the Mistress. ‘Mmm, this is extremely nice brandy. Now, Robert, what about you? Are you going to stay on and fulfil the task for which you were nominally hired?’

‘I think not, Jack. I have fulfilled the task for which I was really hired and a lot more to boot. I adopted the advice of the college poet:

‘ “If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss…” –

and did so.’

‘Well, you’ve certainly shown initiative. Can’t complain about it really. I’m enjoying being Mistress. I intend to make things hum. How did you pull it off, anyway?’

‘Easy. You underestimate yourself, Jack.’

‘No one ever accused me of that before.’

‘In the popularity stakes, that is. Pusey couldn’t stick you but he grudgingly admired you and the Senior Tutor was rather frightened of you but thought you would be an absolutely ideal Mistress and so I’m sure you will be. A touch unorthodox perhaps, a little coarse and not quite what the founder had expected but one can’t have everything.’

‘Does this mean,’ asked Pooley, ‘that you are going to have to acquire some scholarly interests?’

‘I have scholarly interests, dammit,’ said the Bursar. ‘I have, in my time, written the occasional monograph on military history. And I am no mean student of Kipling. But you don’t have to be scholarly any more to run an Oxbridge college. In fact, scholars are passé: it’s administrators and glorified fundraisers these days. I shall be swanning around, milking the trusts and squeezing the rich until the pips squeak. It’s my firm intention to ensure that St Martha’s becomes comfortable as well as intellectually respectable. Now, to get back to where we were. Robert, why don’t you stay?’

‘Because I mustn’t and you’ll easily find someone to do the Whitehall and academe job. I’m getting out of the path of temptation.’

‘Oh, I don’t think temptation is going to rear its head again. I have taken the necessary steps to ensure that henceforward you remain pure. Haven’t you noticed?’

Amiss was alarmed. ‘What have you done? You’re surely not kicking Mary Lou out?’

‘On the contrary, my dear boy. Mary Lou and I look forward to continuing our already intimate working relationship.’

‘Christ Almighty.’ Amiss looked at her in horror. ‘You’re kidding. You haven’t? You’re not? You couldn’t?’

‘I could and have and will. It’s in both our interests.’

‘You treacherous old cow.’

‘Did you or did you not say that you would stop cavorting with Mary Lou if you could?’

‘I did.’

‘Are you or are you not concerned to preserve your relationship with Rachel?’

‘I am.’

‘So what are you bleating about then? I thought I should focus her attention elsewhere before you really screw things up.’

‘You’re all heart, Jack. Always thinking of others. I hope it’s not too much of an imposition on your good nature.’

‘Don’t worry too much about that, my dear Robert. As you well know, the lady is scrumptious.’

Pooley’s brows were knitted. ‘This is none of my business but I thought… I thought all that badge-wearing and so on was put on. I mean, what about Myles Cavendish?’

‘Oh, Myles,’ she said carelessly. ‘Myles, I suppose, you could say is my steady. But I am a woman of appetites: there is plenty of room in my life for both Myles and Mary Lou. What’s the matter with you, Robert? You are looking decidedly pissed off.’

‘How do you expect me to feel when I discover a desirable lover has just been stolen from under my nose by a fat, elderly woman?’

‘That’s ageist and sexist. You’re just piqued that Mary Lou has fallen for a woman of experience. You should be thanking me. She is; her conscience was beginning to stir.’

‘Well, nonetheless I’m still not going to stay and that’s not because of pique. I’m taking off for Delhi and Rachel; then I’ll take stock.’

‘What about Plutarch? You can’t leave her locked up in that cathouse forever: it would be heartless.’

‘I bloody well can leave her in that expensive cattery for another few weeks. If you’re so worried, why don’t you look after her yourself?’

‘I’ll think about it, though I rather fear that Francis would stamp his exquisite little feet at the very notion. Well then, if you must go, go. And when you get back you and Ellis must come down to Cambridge and the three of us will have a reunion. Or maybe we’ll make up a quartet with Mary Lou.’

‘If I can bear it by then, you’re on.’

‘Oh, and Robert, I urge you to take the advice of a woman of the world and don’t tell Rachel. There are limits to what even the most understanding person can bear.’

‘I was fretting about that.’

‘Fret not, my boy. This is a time to be pragmatic rather than principled. Sacrificing Rachel’s peace of mind to salve your guilty conscience would be bad for everyone. After all, if she’s been at it with the local embassy Lothario, do you want to be told?’

‘No.’

‘QED. Now why don’t you both join me in a celebratory cigar and let us cease bandying ladies’ names. For as Kipling so wisely observed: “A woman is only a woman, but a good Cigar is a Smoke.’ ”

EPILOGUE

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‘Congratulations.’

Thank you, ‘ said Mary Lou.

‘When were you appointed?’

‘A couple of weeks ago. Unanimous vote at the College Council.’

‘I wouldn’t have thought that being Bursar was exactly your scene.’

‘This girl has hidden talents,’ said the Mistress. ‘I’ve discovered she’s an administrator
manqué
. And now we have the power and the money to sort the college out there’s a hell of a lot to do.’

‘Bring us up to date.’

‘Well, a large chunk of the Alice Toon money is going as Maud broadly wanted – in the direction of scholarship, but only some in the direction of the balls-aching scholarship that was so near to her heart. We’re going simultaneously for excellence and élan.’

‘E.g.?’

‘Tell you later. Additionally, I’ve found a way of diverting two million towards licking the fabric of the college into shape and making it a pleasant place to be.’

‘Good God! Not wine cellars and
haute cuisine
?’

‘We can manage a reasonable wine cellar and a decent chef as well as central heating and roofs that don’t leak. I’ve put little Francis Pusey in charge of working out schemes for our corporate acquisition of some creature comforts. He’s having a wonderful time poring over catalogues and making lists and snapping up bargains in the food and wine department and subject to strict vetoes from me and Mary Lou, he’s doing all sorts of dreary work on choosing fabrics and carpets and paints; he’s never been happier. It was that bribe that made him agree to have Plutarch stay while you were away. How is she, by the way?’

‘Horribly well. Are you sure you don’t want her back?’

‘I’d be delighted. Unfortunately, she is not a universal favourite with my colleagues. Devouring the salmon destined for high table was not the best way of winning friends and influencing people. Give her my love.’

‘I’m sure she will reciprocate. Any other changes?’

‘The Statutes are getting a reinterpretation that will have old Ridley spinning in his mausoleum. No more drill, for starters. And accomplishments are going to cover a multitude of gastronomic treats.’

‘What a disappointment! And what about people?’

‘Well, now that Emily is Deputy Mistress, she’s at peace. She no longer has any official duties since I don’t give her anything to do. Thackaberry is a not bad Senior Tutor and Emily’s other job as Director of Studies had been taken by an outsider who’s a humdinger on the intellectual front.’

‘What happened to Bridget?’

‘She’s doing exactly as she’s told.’

‘You mean you let her stay?’

‘Yep. I have a magnanimous streak. I gave her a simple choice: accept she’d lost, turn constructive and she had a future. Otherwise she’d be drummed out and because of the scandal of the court case she’d find it hard ever to get a job anywhere else. She still doesn’t know what Sandra’s likely to say about her when the case comes up.’

‘Doesn’t sound like much of a choice.’

‘It wasn’t.’

‘So she’s given up all the gender and ethnic crap?’

‘Sure. You knew she was an apparatchik. Today’s fashion at St Martha’s is vigorous scholarship, so Bridget has returned to her old intellectual pursuits as a Tudor historian and is working diligently in the hope of landing a university lecturership. She willingly takes on all the dreary administrative jobs we give her and seems quite content with her lot.’

‘The Rev Crowley?’

‘Skulked out of the college with his suitcase the day after you left, leaving no forwarding address. No doubt he’s already ensconced in a visiting professorship in Ohio.’

‘How’s morale in general?’

‘Going up by leaps and bounds.’ Jack Troutbeck waved in Mary Lou’s direction. ‘You tell ’em.’

‘To discover what Sandra had done really threw the kids. Then they found Bridget had reneged, and it rapidly emerged that life under Jack was going to be fun.’

‘I think you could say that the ethnic/gender forces have been comprehensively routed,’ said the Mistress complacently. ‘The Dykes have indeed been downed.’

‘By two dykes,’ remarked Amiss acidly.

‘Don’t be a sore loser. Anyway, we’re not dykes; we’re women of catholic tastes who eschew labelling and who are devoting ourselves to the welfare of our charges.

‘Poor little wretches. Maud really was guilty of driving them into the arms of Holdness and co. I’d have gone mad myself if I’d been forced to be solemn and rigorous all the time and always pushed in the direction of land tenures and acres of footnotes. Our priority is arranging for them to have excellent teaching, lots of intellectual adventure and encouraging them to have a good time into the bargain. We aim to turn out a band of happy, tough sceptics.’

Mary Lou broke in. ‘One of the best things has been the lecture series taking the piss out of intellectual fads. Our new Director of Studies brings in people to take a comic look at the screwier bits of the academic world. With the right person you can both explain and amusingly savage everything from Marxist criticism to structuralism.’

‘Not forgetting the gurus,’ said the Mistress. She smacked her lips over her wine.

‘Sure. The assassinations of Jacques Derrida and Mary Daly were a riot.’

‘Mary Lou’s being modest. She had them rolling in the aisles with her
tour de force
called “Black Studies as a Floating Signifier”.’

Amiss seized the claret. ‘What’s the female equivalent of an Uncle Tom?’

‘I’ll have to ask Sandra,’ said the Bursar cheerfully. ‘When are visiting hours?’

‘You couldn’t really get a blacker joke,’ observed Amiss, ‘if you’ll forgive the expression. Sandra goes to all that trouble to rub out poor old Maud and the dreadful Deborah and the net result is to put you two in charge. I wonder how she feels about it all. What’s the news on her, Ellis?’

‘The word on the grapevine is that she’s still in a state of culture shock. Her parents were over within twenty-four hours and the three of them seemed pretty confident of getting her off on the grounds of the persecution she suffered at the hands of Dame Maud and Deborah Windlesham which had eroded her self-confidence and driven her to violence.’

‘Oh, God,’ groaned the Bursar. ‘It sounds just like home.’

‘However, the lawyer they tried with that one told them it wouldn’t wash, that Britain is a sensible place still, just, and the notion of murderer as victim hasn’t quite taken off here. Unless they could have her declared insane, in which case they could go for diminished responsibility, she’d had it.’