Matt (The Cowboys) (22 page)

“Give me an example.”

“Jake. All of us orphans had been thrown out of so many places we were practically on wanted lists. But he took us in, believed in us, never once failed to stand behind us. No matter what.”

“I guess I’m just not as good as Jake.”

“You are, or you wouldn’t have taken Tess and Noah, and you wouldn’t love them like you do. You wouldn’t have married a man you don’t like. You just haven’t had the advantage of living with someone you can trust. I hope you find a man like that someday.”

He wasn’t going to be that man. Until this moment he hadn’t realized he’d hoped he would be. He’d let sleeping in the same bed with her, sharing his meals, his day, his thoughts with her, a common goal, making him hope they might learn to share more.

She’d called him sweet, kind, and adorable. She’d also called him a gullible fool. Women didn’t really want sweet and kind. They considered those traits signs of weakness. They wanted big, strong, and dependable men. They’d take a rough, possibly even cruel man, but they most certainly didn’t want a weak, gullible fool. She wanted something he could never become, but it didn’t matter. Even if he were what she wanted, there was too much about him that couldn’t be changed, couldn’t be accepted.

He didn’t understand why he kept forgetting that.

Ellen was certain Matt’s unwavering support of Toby would get them into serious trouble sooner or later. It made her angry that he couldn’t see he was risking everything for a boy who wasn’t worth it.

Okay, it wasn’t fair to say Toby wasn’t worth as much as Orin and the kids. It had to be rough knowing you had no father, your mother had deserted you, and your family didn’t want you. He could be forgiven if he occasionally used his looks to get back at the world. She should sympathize. Her looks had been her one source of power, the only way she could get back at people who’d treated her badly. And she could see how her presence on the ranch could feel like a threat. Her arrival had brought Wilbur and Mabel down on Matt, threatening Toby’s security. To a boy as insecure as Toby, that must feel like a threat to the only stability he’d known. But she couldn’t let sympathy blind her to the fact that Toby’s behavior was a threat to the only hope she had for keeping the kids.

She glanced at the man sitting beside her. Even after two weeks she could hardly believe she was married to him, that she had the right to sit next to him, put her hand in his arm, lean against him for support, depend on him to shoulder her troubles and solve her problems. But she couldn’t let go, let herself really rely on him. She was afraid of losing control, afraid of losing her independence. That would be a disaster.

She was already jealous of the attention he gave the children. She was jealous of the unshakable faith he had in Toby. He was kind to a fault. Thoughtful. Generous in his praise. Willing to do practically anything she asked. No woman could have wanted a more accommodating husband, but everything he did for her lacked the warmth, the unmistakable signs of pleasure she saw when he was with the children. She’d give anything if his face would light up when he set eyes on her, but she knew he didn’t want a real marriage, a physical or emotional relationship. He’d made that clear from the beginning. She’d agreed, because it had been exactly what she wanted, too.

Only now she wanted something different. Her mind said to beware, but the emotional need within her overpowered caution. She felt the bond that existed between Matt and the boys, felt the bond he was building with Tess and Noah. She wanted to be part of it. She knew she was setting herself up to be hurt. But she couldn’t stop herself from wanting it.

“I want some more sausage,” Noah said.

“If you eat any more, you’ll turn into a pig,” Ellen said.

“He’s already a little pig,” Will said and proceeded to make piglike noises.

Tess and Orin laughed. Toby laughed unnecessarily hard. Noah didn’t know whether to laugh or be angry.

“He wants to grow up to be like you,” Matt said to Will. “Everybody knows you’re all ham.”

“I didn’t notice you pushing your plate away,” Will said, his good mood unimpaired. “You either,” he said, turning on Toby.

“Meat makes a man strong,” Toby said. “I intend to be the strongest man in Bandera.”

So he could beat up anybody who teased him or called him names, Ellen was certain, but she didn’t say anything. She was determined to like Toby, to give him no reason to dislike her.

Tess looked down at the piece of sausage on her plate. “I don’t want to be a strong man.” She pushed the plate away.

“Sausage also makes little girls grow up pretty,” Matt said. “Look what it did for Ellen.”

“Do you think Ellen’s pretty?”

“Why don’t you ask Toby or Will? They’re the experts on girls.”

“She’s too old for me,” Toby said.

“She’s not asking you to marry her,” Will said, “just if you think she’s pretty.”

“Yeah, I guess she’s pretty enough.”

“Don’t strain yourself,” Will said, giving Toby a punch on the shoulder. “Every man in Bandera thinks she’s pretty. The saloon’s business dropped by half when she left.”

Ellen didn’t like being reminded of the saloon.

“But do you think she’s pretty?” Tess asked Matt.

Matt glanced up at Ellen, then back at Tess. “I think she’s beautiful. I especially liked the new dress she wore yesterday.”

Ellen felt herself flush. She never would have guessed one compliment could affect her so strongly.

“You can stop discussing me like I’m a piece of livestock,” she said, trying to cover her embarrassment. “If you don’t want your sausage, Tess, give it to Noah. And you’d better hurry up or you won’t be finished before Will leaves.”

Will was going back to the Broken Circle today. She would miss him. He was fun to have around, and she could never thank him enough for what he’d done with Noah. The child followed him around like a puppy.

Noah grabbed the sausage off Tess’s plate and popped it into his mouth. “Will said I could saddle his horse,” he said, jumping up from his chair. “Matt promised to help me. Come on quick,” he said when Matt didn’t get up immediately. “Toby said he’d do it if I didn’t hurry.”

“I’ll get his saddlebags,” Orin said.

“I’ll get his bedroll,” Toby said.

The two boys disappeared. Ellen heard them pounding up the steps to the loft.

“Come on,” Noah pleaded urgently. “You gotta hurry.”

Matt stood, and the two of them walked outside.

“Can I watch?” Tess asked.

“If you don’t get too close.”

The child ran after her brother and Matt. That left Ellen alone with Will. Everybody treated him like a favorite spoiled child. Ellen knew better. There was somebody quite different inside, waiting for a reason to come out.

“Thanks for helping with the horses,” she said, not sure what else to say. “And for putting up with Noah. He’s never had a man give him any attention, and he loved it. I wish you could stay longer.”

“I should have been gone before now. I would have if I hadn’t been trying to get out of all the work Jake has waiting for me.” He grinned like a mischievous kid. “Jake knows I’m worthless. He’s probably done half of it already.”

“You’re not worthless to us.”

“Maybe, but the last thing a newly married couple needs is a brother-in-law hanging around. Isabelle is counting on a new grandchild by next spring.”

Chapter Thirteen

Ellen had always wanted children. When she worked for the Lowells, she often pretended she was taking care of her own daughters, dressing them in beautiful clothes, brushing their hair until it shone, loving and caring for them. After the scandal, she’d showered all her love on April’s children. When April died, it was only natural Ellen should look after Noah and Tess.

“Didn’t your brother tell you anything about our marriage agreement?”

Will looked startled. “What was there to tell?”

“Surely you didn’t think Matt and I met, fell in love, and got married in one afternoon.”

She couldn’t decipher his expression. “I’d hoped something like that happened.”

“He needed a wife so he could adopt Orin. I needed a husband so I could adopt Noah and Tess. This is a business arrangement. You can tell Isabelle there will be no babies.”

It came upon her without warning, this unexplained and nearly overwhelming need to cry. She got up from the table and started putting dishes into the sink. She absolutely refused to cry in front of Will.

“I’d hoped for something different.”

“Why?”

“It’s natural to hope your brother will fall in love, get married, and have a family.”

“I guess so,” she said, barely holding on, “but it didn’t happen this time.”

“Why not? You’re getting along well, and Matt really likes you.”

“Matt is the kindest, most polite, sweetest man in the world, but he doesn’t have a drop of warm blood in his body.”

“You’re wrong.”

“Maybe, but I don’t love him, so it doesn’t matter.”

She didn’t want to look at him until she felt more under control, but he took her by the shoulders and turned her to face him. “Then why did you buy that new dress? And start wearing makeup again?”

“There’s nothing wrong with a woman wanting to look nice.”

“If you want to look nice for Matt, don’t wear makeup.”

“Why?” She hadn’t meant to ask that.

“He thinks it makes women look hard and unnatural.”

“How do you know?”

“After our parents died, Matt and I didn’t have anybody but each other. We practically shared the same mind and soul until Jake and Isabelle adopted us.”

“But you’re so different. You’re never serious. He’s always serious.”

“There’re reasons for that. If you really love Matt, he’ll tell you.”

“I don’t love him.”

“Then why are you trying so hard to catch his attention? Why did you just come so close to crying?”

Will wasn’t the fool everybody thought. “I just want him to notice me. I feel like I’m not here.”

“The kids got in. So can you.”

She hadn’t realized it was so apparent to others. “We disagree on too many things. Toby, for instance. Even after that trouble in town, he refuses to punish him.”

“Toby told me Matt raked him over the coals, gave him some extra chores, and banned him from town for a week.”

“Matt didn’t tell me.”

“He wouldn’t embarrass Toby. I wouldn’t know if Toby hadn’t told me himself. I’ve got to go. They’ll have my horse at the door any minute. I just hope Matt checked behind Noah. I don’t want to fall off because he forgot to tighten the cinch.” He leaned over and gave her a quick kiss. “You like him, and he likes you. It would be a shame to throw it all away. I’ve always wanted to be an uncle. Now put those dishes down, put a smile on your face, and come see me off. The minute I’m gone, wash your face, find a quiet corner, and figure out how you’re going to convince my brother to let himself love you. He’s aching to, but he won’t unless you make him.”

With that he put his arm around her waist and pulled her along with him to the porch.

“I hope you tightened the cinch,” he said to Noah when the little boy came up to the house proudly leading his horse. “I don’t want to pitch headlong into a cactus.”

“I tried to cut it when he wasn’t looking, but he caught me,” Matt said.

“Just for that, dear brother, I’ll come back and stay a month.” Will picked up Noah, gave him a big hug, then picked up Tess and gave her a loud, smacking kiss that brought forth delighted giggles. Orin submitted to a hug, but Toby insisted on a handshake. He looked thoroughly affronted when Will pulled him into a bear hug. “No sissy handshakes for me,” Will said as he turned to his brother. Ellen was relieved to see Matt wasn’t uncomfortable when Will hugged him. Whatever was wrong didn’t extend to his own brother.

Ellen stood watching the children dance around Will as he mounted his horse, calling out to him, urging him to come back. They followed alongside as he rode out of the yard, all trying to get in one last word. Even Tess didn’t hang back. What struck Ellen most forcefully was Matt. He leaned against the hitching post, a smile of contentment on his face. He looked back at her and his smile broadened, drawing her into his pleasure. In that moment he appeared completely happy. The fact that trouble waited on every side didn’t appear to bother him. His family and his ranch were all he needed to be happy.

But the greatest surprise to Ellen was her own feelings. In a remarkably short time she had begun to question her priorities. Life at the ranch had settled into a comfortable routine. Noah and Tess had gotten used to their chores. Noah still slept downstairs, but he had his horse. She helped with breakfast, fed the kids lunch, and helped Matt cook at night. Matt and the boys took their lunches so they wouldn’t waste time coming back to the ranch house. She spent each afternoon making her hats. The kids were happier and better behaved than ever. For the first time in her life, she was reasonably content. She found herself thinking more about the ranch and less about San Antonio.