Me After You (32 page)

Aiden walks up the porch and touches my shoulder to keep me in place. “He’s gone, Sawyer. He sold the garage last week. He left earlier this morning. He’s gone.”

“What? No. He did
not
just buy me Sprinkles and leave!” I push past Aiden and sprint over to my car in the driveway. “He can’t be gone.”

“Sawyer!” Aiden calls, but I ignore him as I slide into the driver’s side.

On my way over to Dean’s house I call his cell phone, but it goes straight to voicemail. I throw my phone onto the passenger’s seat without leaving a message.

My tires peel into Dean’s driveway. A FOR SALE sign is planted next to his mailbox, confirming my nightmare. Dirt clouds my car as I pull up the road. The house already looks deserted. The truck is gone, as well as his bike, but I bolt up the steps to his house anyway. My fists pound on the front door.

“Dean! Dean Preston! Open this door!” I bang, but there’s no answer. I know he’s gone, but I don’t want to believe it. “Dean, you open up this door right now!” This can’t be real. “Dean!” My fists let out their frustration, repeatedly beating the door over and over until they throb.

This is really it.

My pounding slows, and I fall to my knees. “Dean.” His name is a distant cry. He’s gone. Again. That freaking man left me
again
. But how could he actually leave me when there was no
us
to leave? I told him it was over. This is my fault.

Leaning my forehead against the door, I try to breathe through my tears.
How dare he do this?
Buy me the bakery and then leave without saying goodbye, as if I would just accept it graciously.
Why would that be okay? Why would I be okay with that?
But he isn’t leaving me with any other choice. He’s going to force me to accept this.

I try to calm myself. Taking a deep breath, I bring myself to my feet and turn back to my car. Dean is standing at the bottom of the porch steps, blinking. I gasp.

“What are you doing here?” he asks.

“Are you kidding me?” I laugh humorlessly and wipe away my tears with the backs of my hands. He stands casually in a fitted white t-shirt and worn jeans, waiting for me to continue, as if he didn’t just catch me having a mental breakdown on his front porch. “What are
you
doing here? I thought you were gone.”

“I got a flat tire a little ways up the road. I forgot my spare in my garage.” He motions to the side of the house. “Are you okay?”

I hold up the crumpled deed in my hand. “What is this?”

“It looks like a trashed piece of paper.”

“Why?” I demand. I don’t want to play games. He knows exactly what I’m holding.

He works his jaw and sighs, averting his gaze from me. “You deserve happiness.”

“So, what? You were just going to buy me Sprinkles, leave town, and everything would wind up in happily ever after for me? You sold your garage?”

His chest rises and falls without a word spoken. He was full of information the other night, and now he has nothing to say for himself?

“You sold your garage for me,” I say with less vehemence.

The shrug of his shoulders makes me want to shake him or kiss him, but I decide against both.

When his eyes meet mine again, he says, “Sawyer, even if I can’t have you, it doesn’t change the fact that I want you to be happy. You deserve to have the bakery. It’s your future. I’ve accepted that I’m not. Please just take it. After all that I’ve put you through, let me just do this one thing.”

“How am I supposed to accept this? You sold the one thing you love most in this world to make it happen.”

Dean snorts and shakes his head. “The one thing in this world I love most is standing in front of me. I would sell that garage a thousand times over if it meant you were happy. Hell, I’d give it away if it meant I got to keep you.”

My arms go limp at my sides. The thumping of my heart echoes in my ears as his words reverberate in my mind. There’s no way to stop the tears from streaming down my cheeks. Tiny fractures form in my resistance, breaking down my walls.

Dean strides up the stairs to meet me at the top. His hands clutch my shoulders as he dips his head, compelling me to match his gaze. “Please don’t cry. I can’t bear to see your tears anymore.” His thumb brushes across my cheeks.

“You only have yourself to blame,” I say, and he chuckles softly.

“Tell me what to do, Sawyer. Tell me what to do to fix this, and I’ll do it. I will do anything.”

I want to ask him to stay. That realization strikes a chord because I know how selfish that would be now. With his house on the market and his garage gone, I know I’ve let this go too far. He’s moving on just as I asked him to.
Why did I ask him to do that?
 

“Why are you doing this to me?”

“Doing what?” he asks earnestly. “I thought this is what you would want. You told me to move on. I’m only doing as you asked.”

“I didn’t ask for the bakery.”

“You didn’t have to.”

I exhale and close my eyes. “Why did you stay in Willowhaven?” I ask. I need answers before he’s out of my life for good. Now is all I have. “When you came back here you didn’t have to stay. I was gone. Your dad was gone. It’s not like you ever wanted to stay in Willowhaven, but you did.”

His gaze caresses my face. After he lets out a deep breath, he gestures to the bench on the porch. “Can we please sit?”

I nod and follow him down the wooden porch. When we sit down side-by-side he continues. “I hoped you would come back, too.” He pauses and averts his eyes to his front yard as he bites his bottom lip and groans. “Sawyer, I wish you had come back for different reasons, under different circumstances. Even if it meant I never got to have you, I would never have wished for Grayson’s death.” His eyes peer over at me. “If I had to blow away a thousand dandelions to make it all go away, I would. I would do anything for you.”

My shoulders fall. “You stayed and waited for me.”

“I had to make something of myself. If you ever came back, I had to be good enough to deserve you. When I heard you were engaged to some big shot in Seattle, I knew I would never win you back with the life I led. Alix not so delicately dropped hints here and there about how
amazing
Grayson was and how
unbelievably
happy you were.” I nearly choke over her exaggeration. “So, I started the garage, and it wasn’t much, but it was more than what I had before. It was the only thing I knew how to do, and I had to be someone deserving of you.”

I blink, unable to understand how he could possibly feel that way. “You were always deserving of me, Dean.”

When his head shakes I want to hold it still and force him to understand what I’ve always seen when I look at him. “It’s hard to believe that when you’re repeatedly told you’re not,” he says simply.

I wake up in the middle of the night to a warm body wrapping around mine. I smell Dean’s familiar scent as soon as he buries his face in my neck, so I don’t shy away from him. Though he’d snuck in my room countless times, he had never crawled into bed with me before.

Wetness trickles down my neck—across my spaghetti-strapped shoulder, and I hear him sniff as if he’s crying.

“Dean?” I shift beside him to look at his face. “What’s wrong?” His green eyes shine with unshed tears. He blinks them away with embarrassment.

“I just need to lay here with you for a little bit, that’s it. I’ll be gone before your parents wake up,” he murmurs.

He closes his eyes and buries his face in my neck again, reaching around my waist and forming me tightly to the curve of his body.

“Dean, you’re scaring me,” I whisper, trying to shift in his arms to face him.

“Please, let me lay here, Jack.” He breathes, squeezing me closer as though he’s trying to meld us together, keeping me in place. “I just want to be near you.”

I don’t want to question him further. The desperation in his voice is enough for me to give him what he wants. I relax and press my lips to his temple.

“I’m here, Dean. Whatever you need. I’m here.” I shift to wrap my arms around him, cradling his head to me, brushing my fingers through his hair. “I’ll always be here,” I murmur, and we fall asleep.

True to his word, he was gone before I woke up the following morning. And later that day he walked out of my life completely. I hadn’t thought about that night in years, but for some reason Dean’s words send a memory flooding to the forefront.

“What happened that night, Dean? The night before you disappeared. You left Willowhaven because of something that happened then, didn’t you?”

S
AWYER
’
S
VOICE
BREAKS
through my thoughts. I hoped she had forgotten about that night. It was a moment of weakness. I wanted one last piece of solace before our worlds were torn apart. That moment of weakness nearly changed my mind. If only I let it change my mind, none of this would have happened. I would have been there for the loss of our unborn child. She never would have met Grayson. She never would have had to deal with all the misery that resulted from the day that I left. But I know it’s pointless to play the what-if game now, so I finally aim for the truth.

I sigh, rubbing my fist across my forehead. “My dad happened that night.” Her eyes show understanding, but she doesn’t know. We’d skimmed over the topic of my dad and his drinking habits when we were together. I didn’t want to taint her world with mine, so I kept my dad to myself the best I could. It’s exactly the reason I never wanted to bring her into this house. Every wall was tainted.

“He told me I didn’t deserve you, which wasn’t news to me,” I chuckle, but it’s completely without humor. “I knew it was true. But he flew off the handle that night.” I close my eyes tightly. I can see him, raising his fist in the air, shouting in my face.

“You’ll only drag her down! You’ll never be able to be what she needs!” A glass beer bottle flies by my head and shatters against the wall, splashing beer on my clothes as the shards fall at my feet. I’ve learned not to flinch. I stand my ground, preparing for the punch that’s sure to follow.

“I’ll spend every day trying!” I shout back to keep from recoiling. I’m done cowering. It’s my time to fight back. “She loves me. She believes in me and what we have.”

“You think?” he scoffs, his head tipping back as he bellows. “You’re a fool! You’re just a toy now. You’ll never amount to anything worthy of her! You’re a useless waste of space in this world. And if you think anything different, you’re more stupid than you look!”

“Sawyer believes in me,” I insist, but my confidence is fading fast. My eyes remain focused on him.

“No one believes in you!” He rushes me and grabs the collar of my t-shirt, spitting in my face, pinning me against the wall. “You hear me? No one!” He shakes me like a ragdoll. I choke back my cry.

“She does,” I utter, but my belief in her is slowly depleting. I avert my gaze so I don’t have to look him in the eyes any longer. I don’t want him to see me cry.

“Okay, you little piece of crap.” He tightens his hold on my collar. “Let’s say she does decide to stick around and marry your sorry mug. It’ll never last. She’ll eventually leave you. Women like her don’t stay around for Preston men. It’s in your blood. And the day she realizes you’re not good enough you’ll end up just like me.” I look up, and he lifts his index finger that’s not gripping the neckline of my t-shirt and thumps my chest to the point of pain. Every thump stings. “If you listen to any advice from your old man, hear this: you’re better off alone. And she’s much better off without you.”

“That’s not true,” I say softly. “We’re better together.” I have to believe that that’s true. It’s the only thing I believe in this life.

“If you stay with her, I’ll make sure she doesn’t live to have your children. No one deserves a lifetime committed to you.”

His threat shoots needles through my veins. “What did you just say?”

“She’s better off dead than living a life with you,” he growls. “You will destroy her just like you destroyed your mother. I would be saving her from a lifetime of misery. She. Would. Thank. Me.” He punctuates each word, the alcohol saturating his breath as it wafts across my face.

The darkness I’ve suppressed for the last year envelops me. Our living room becomes one big distortion, and my fists take over. I’ve never fought back before, but that ends tonight. No one threatens Sawyer. No one. All I see is red. It blurs my thoughts and controls my actions. When it ends, the only thing I see is blood and my father lying on the wooden floor. He groans and rolls to his side, too drunk to pick himself up off the floor.

I peer down at my bloody, shaking hands—hands that don’t resemble mine. This isn’t me anymore. I don’t fly off the handle. My temper is supposed to be controlled. How could I lose it like that?

“You,” he grunts. “You will never know happiness.”

Shaking my head, I walk away from him. “You’ve made sure of that,” I say as I slam the front door behind me.

“DEAN!” he shouts, and I find it ironic that this is the time he chooses to call me by name. I don’t remember the last time he ever called me by my real name.

I never look back.

I swallow the ugly feeling I get when I think of him and take a cleansing breath. “I got out of the house as fast as I could. I had to see you.” I take another moment because reliving that day means reliving a nightmare. Except it wasn’t a nightmare. It was real. Things like that used to happen nearly every day of my life, but that night he went too far. “The closer I got to you the more solidified my decision became. I had to feel you against me one last time before it was all over.”

 
She peers over at me with tears brimming in her eyes. I’ve seen her cry hundreds of times, but these tears aren’t for her. They are for me, and I hate that no matter what I do I can still make her cry.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” she whispers.

I shake my head. “I was eighteen and naïve, and I believed him. I couldn’t let him hurt you and staying with you only gave him more fuel. I had to protect you. Every part of my life was toxic. If I stayed with you, or even let you come with me, my poison would disintegrate any goodness you had. You deserved someone so much better than me. You deserved someone like Grayson.” Sawyer presses her lips together to fight back more tears. “But that wasn’t completely it. What if you did stay with me, or we ran away together? What if I became like my dad someday? His temper is in my genes. The thought of hurting you that way makes me sick. I could never do that to you. I never wanted to hurt you.
Ever
.”