Me and Miranda Mullaly

VIKING

An imprint of Penguin Random House LLC

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New York, New York 10014

First published in the United States of America by Viking,

an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC, 2016

Text copyright © 2016 by Jacob Gerhardt

Illustrations copyright © 2016 by Jim Hoover

Churchill quote on page 63 reproduced with permission of Curtis Brown, London, on behalf of the Beneficiaries of the Estate of Winston S. Churchill. Copyright ©

1941 by the Beneficiaries of the Estate of Winston S. Churchill.

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ISBN: 978-0-698-19416-8

For my father, Detective Jacob P. Gerhardt, who taught us about love and
laughter

“I don't know what you think about being young. To me, it's a time for growing used to disappointment.”

—John
Mortimer

1

Until
today,
Miranda Mullaly isn't a girl I think about a lot. But she really gets my attention when she turns to me and hands me my thumbtack. I mean, she
really
gets my attention.

It all starts when I'm sitting in biology class, minding my own business and doing my best to mentally prepare for the long semester ahead. Even though it's only January 4, Christmas and New Year's seem like years ago. That's what school does to you. It kind of freezes time. It's only the first period of the first day, and already I feel like I've been stuck here forever.

As I'm sitting there, I'm thinking about the
new
me.
You see, I've finally decided to turn over a new leaf and put all my clowning around behind me. After all, I can't pull pranks my whole life. And my Christmas gift to my mom was a promise to clean up my act. If you think about it, this was a great gift because it made my mom very happy and didn't cost me a penny.

I mean, I'm so serious about all this I didn't make my usual stop to see the boys in the cafeteria. Imagine me, Sam Dolan, being the first person in class.

I have all this going through my head when Duke Samagura enters the room. He walks up to Mrs. Stempen, who is sitting at her desk with her head in a science book, and puts an apple in front of her. I mean, come on. Where does he think he is?

Duke stops and chitchats with Mrs. Stempen. God only knows what they're talking about, but I can take a pretty good guess. It's definitely about something boring. Duke's probably telling her about what he did over the break, like going to science museums and dissecting frogs on his kitchen table.

Everybody who knows me knows that by now I'm starting to get a little antsy. I'm ready for class to start and trying to keep myself from thinking about what I'm dying to do.

I can't help myself. I reach into my backpack and I take out a thumbtack. I hold it in my hand and even smile at it. My old friend, the thumbtack. We will part ways now that
I'm turning over a new leaf, and I'm going to miss it. That thumbtack and I have had a lot of fun together.

But when I hear Duke laughing with Mrs. Stempen like she's Tina Fey instead of a boring biology teacher, I can't help but think maybe this is one last hurrah for me and the thumbtack. After all, I can't be expected to go cold turkey.

Then I hear my mother's voice in my head. Like I said, she's really excited about my promise to be good at school. She even told me how proud she was of me before I left the house this morning. She's one of these moms who is really interested in education and all that stuff. So maybe it's best if I put the thumbtack back in my bag.

But I just can't. I mean, it's not against the law to have a little fun, and that's what the thumbtack is all about. And Duke is the perfect target. First of all, his name is Duke Vanderbilt Samagura. Add to that the fact that he dresses like a J.Crew model (What's with those guys and their pants that don't fit?) and he carries a briefcase instead of a backpack and, well, I'd be a fool if I didn't put a thumbtack on his chair. The way I see it, I really have little choice in the matter.

And since it's the first school day of the New Year, and January is a painfully long month, and Mrs. Stempen doesn't stop teaching from the moment class begins and is still talking when we're walking out the door—if you
consider all that, I'm really doing everyone a favor. It's probably the only fun we'll have all month.

So I place the thumbtack on Duke's chair, pretty certain he'll thank me when he learns it's the last time I'll ever put a thumbtack on someone's chair.

And then the craziest thing that has ever happened in the history of Penn Valley Middle School happens. Just as Duke is about to sit on the thumbtack,
my
thumbtack, my
last
thumbtack, Miranda Mullaly puts out her hand and stops him.

This really throws me off. I mean, who does Miranda Mullaly think she is?

“I believe this is yours,” she says, dropping the thumbtack into my hand.

She smiles at me, too. I don't know why I never noticed her smile before, because it's a good smile. I mean, it's a great smile. An excellent smile.

She smiles like she means it.

She smiles like she's happy.

She smiles like she
likes
me.

And she's got great teeth.

I take the thumbtack and put it in my bag and smile right back at Miranda.

Is this a great start to the New Year or what?

All I can say is wow! I mean, wow!

I'm man enough to admit it. I owe my parents, Neal and Cassandra, a sincere apology. They have been regaling me since birth with the story of how they first met. Allegedly it was love at first sight when they met and fell for each other as undergrads at Duke University, where they both studied sociology. They fell in love and have never been apart. I often gag when I hear them tell the story.

But as of today I believe in love at first sight. Today, I fell in love with Miranda Mullaly and she, if I'm not terribly mistaken, fell in love with me. How do I know? Because this morning, in biology class, Miranda stuck out her arm to keep me from sitting on a thumbtack maliciously placed on my seat by that rapscallion Sam Dolan.

And not only did Miranda save me from the embarrassment of sitting on the tack, she saved Sam Dolan's life as well. If I had sat on the tack, I probably would have smacked Sam Dolan's empty head with my textbook. And I would've been doing everyone a favor, since Sam Dolan fancies himself some sort of hilarious “class clown” and thinks it's his duty to entertain the school with moronic exploits, like a thumbtack on a
real
student's chair.

But I really don't care about the tack anymore. After
Miranda saved me, we gazed deeply into each other's eyes and something magical passed between us. “Her complexion was luminous, like that of apple-blossom through which the light falls . . .”
1

She took my breath away.

Technically, this could not be considered love at first sight because Miranda and I have been classmates for years. But that is of little matter because I have never really
seen
Miranda before today. I now see her in a different light.

In order to better understand, I think the screenplay format would be helpful. And, since I'm probably going to write some movies after I've graduated from Harvard Medical School, a little screenwriting practice can't hurt.

Here it goes:

INT.—CLASSROOM—MORNING

DUKE VANDERBILT SAGAMURA, thirteen, handsome, enters the classroom.
Duke walks to his desk and is about to take
his seat when MIRANDA MULLALY, thirteen, stunning, puts out her
arm to stop him.

Miranda

I don't think you want to sit there.

(Duke looks down and sees a
thumbtack on his seat.)

Duke

Thank you so very much.

(Duke smiles at Miranda, then turns and glares at
SAM DOLAN, thirteen, troglodyte.
2
)

Miranda

It seems awfully immature, doesn't it?

(Duke looks back at Miranda, appearing to
really see her for the first time. Film slows, cue
Handel's
Messiah
, their eyes sparkle.)

Duke

One wonders when some people around here are going to grow up.

(Miranda
and Duke smile and gaze deeply into each other's
eyes.)

So there you have it. Or, as Damon Runyon
3
would say, there, indeed, you have it.