Me Myself Milly (19 page)

‘I think it’s a great idea,’ I told her, giving her a hug.

‘Do you want me to help you?’ said Mum.

‘Okay,’ I said.

I sort of wanted to do it on my own, but I thought it was important that Mum was there as well because it would be like saying goodbye to Lily again.

At first I wanted to put everything in the blanket box but it was impossible because it wasn’t big enough. Mum had got some cardboard boxes for the attic and we started to put Lily’s
things into them. Every time I came across something I couldn’t part with I put it in the wooden chest instead.

I won’t pretend it was easy. It felt like I was packing Lily away, out of sight. I kept telling myself that it wasn’t like that, because Lily would always be there but she’d be
in me, in my heart and my memories, and that’s what was important.

I know Mum was feeling the same way but we carried on until it was done.

I was clearing out under Lily’s bed and I found a half-eaten bar of chocolate. I put it in one of the attic boxes along with Lily’s clothes and toiletries and school books. One day
Mum and I would have to deal with the contents of these boxes but it wouldn’t be for a long time.

Meanwhile I chose the essence of Lily’s life to keep in the special box. I put the scrapbook we’d made about our father at the bottom. I kept her knitted monkey, Bubbles, and her art
book. Lily had been really good at art whereas I was better at maths and science.

There was an awful moment when I came across the blue hoodie in the back of the wardrobe. The one that the boy called Josh had put round my shoulders after the accident. I didn’t want to
have to explain to Mum where it had come from, so I folded it and placed it in one of the attic boxes.

I asked Mum if she minded the doll’s house going up in the attic. I thought it was about time I got rid of it. Mum said that would be fine, so I got the box of dolls and took out the one
that was Lily. I opened the front of the doll’s house and took out the doll that was me and I placed them side by side in the blanket box. I took the journal that Ted had given to me, the one
with Lily’s and my life in it, and added it to the pile and then I shut the lid.

We got Devlin to help us carry everything else up to the top of the house. When I got back to my bedroom it looked so empty and sad that I thought I’d made the wrong decision. I suddenly
wanted everything back, just as it had been, but there was no way I could do that after all the effort we’d gone to.

After that I spent most of my time in the sitting room and the kitchen and only went into my bedroom when it was time for bed. Mum must have noticed, because one weekend I went to stay with Effy
and when I got home on the Sunday evening Mum was looking sheepish.

‘I’ve done a couple of things to your room,’ she said. ‘I hope you don’t mind.’

The first thing I noticed was a sign stuck on the door. It said
Emily’s Room
. I smiled at Mum who was hovering behind me. I couldn’t believe it when I opened the door. Mum
must have had some serious help to have got all this done in a couple of days. She’d painted the walls and everything!

I looked around. Mum had rearranged the furniture and there was even a new desk. She’d moved my bed and then she’d turned Lily’s bed into a kind of sofa. It didn’t have
any bedding on it any more. Instead it was covered in a beautiful patchwork quilt, the sort of thing Lily would have loved, and there were plenty of cushions arranged along the back, against the
wall. I noticed that one of the cushion covers was made from some of Lily’s old clothes.

The whole thing was perfect. Everything about it said
Lily
in the best possible way. I knew I’d be able to use it to sit and relax or read a book and not feel sad any more when I
looked at her empty bed.

‘Do you like it?’ said Mum. She was still looking worried.

‘I love it,’ I said, giving her a hug.

Devlin and I meet up with the others most Saturdays at the café. I always feel really relaxed with my new friends, because although they know about Lily and what
happened, they never knew her so we don’t talk about her. I don’t mean that I don’t want to talk about Lily, I just mean I can be myself when I’m with them and it’s
not all mixed up with who I used to be.

I’ve stopped going to Ted’s and instead Mum and I see a grief counsellor twice a month, which really helps. There are a couple of things coming up which aren’t going to be
easy. First, it will be our birthday when I’ll be turning fifteen. Mum and I are trying to decide what to do. There’s a plaque at the crematorium with Lily’s name on it and I
expect we’ll take her some flowers. Then a week later will be the anniversary of the accident. The counsellor asked us if we would be visiting the site where the accident happened and we said
we wouldn’t be going there. I think the pond was drained and it’s on private land. I don’t think going back there would help.

Mum said the best way for me to honour Lily was to make sure that I live a full and happy life. I know it won’t be easy because Lily will always be with me and the older I get the further
away she’ll become, because she’ll always be fourteen.

Devlin came downstairs this afternoon to ask me if I wanted to go for a walk. The door between our flat and the rest of the house never got locked again after the thing with
Mum, and I often go up there and play computer games with Devlin.

I was revising for a test at the time so I was glad of an excuse to stop. I poked my head round the door of Mum’s workroom to tell her I was going out but I didn’t elaborate because
she was busy. She looked up from her work for a nanosecond, said, ‘Fine, take care,’ and carried on. She’s not writing about twins any more, she’s started a new book about a
girl and her imaginary friend.

‘Where are we going?’ I asked Devlin when we got outside.

‘I don’t know,’ he said.

‘So we’re just going to wander the streets, are we?’

‘Yes, do you have a problem with that?’

‘Why yes, I do,’ I told him.

‘So what would you like do?’

‘Well,’ I said, pretending to think for a second, ‘I thought we might walk by the canal, or we could go on a river cruise, or to the Baths . . .’ He was giving me a
dangerous look. ‘You really can’t visit Bath without going to the Baths, you know. Or perhaps you’d like to go swimming?’

I easily avoided Devlin’s hand when he tried to hit me because I was expecting it. I ran off down the street with Devlin in hot pursuit. There was a park up ahead and I dodged in there but
he caught up with me easily and tackled me to the ground. We fell onto the grass laughing, and I was suddenly aware of how close Devlin was. His hand brushed mine as we lay side by side and my
heart skipped a beat.

‘Didn’t your mother teach you not to mock the afflicted?’ he said, bringing me back down to earth.

‘Sorry, I couldn’t resist it.’

He raised himself up on one arm and leaned over me. ‘There’s something I’m having trouble resisting,’ he said and kissed me.

I screamed – and screaming is not good. Especially for the person who’s got their lips pressed to yours. It was actually more of a squeak, but it was enough to make Devlin pull back
sharply.

‘Sorry . . .’ he said, looking miserable and embarrassed.

‘No . . .’ I didn’t know what to say or what was going on.

‘I thought . . .’ we both said at the same time.

Then he shut up and I blurted out, ‘ . . . you had a girlfriend back home.’

Now it was my turn to look embarrassed.

Devlin sat up. ‘Why did you think that?’

‘Because I’m stupid,’ I said. I couldn’t even remember why I’d thought it in the first place. I think I’d invented her because I thought Devlin didn’t
like me when in fact it was just the aquaphobia making him nervous. And then I’d held on to the idea because I was scared about how much I liked him and a mythical girlfriend seemed like a
good excuse for the fact that nothing was going to happen between us. It all sounded completely crazy to me now and I laughed.

‘It doesn’t matter – obviously I was wrong,’ I said, hoping he’d kiss me again.

‘You were . . .’ he said, moving in, his lovely blue eyes getting closer. I held my breath . . . and that’s when it started to rain. And I mean rain. Without any warning, apart
from the huge black cloud overhead which we’d failed to spot, despite the fact I was lying on my back staring up at it. Huge raindrops came pelting down. One hit me right in the eye. I
squealed again. Devlin was on his feet. He grabbed my hand and pulled me up. Then we ran. Neither of us knew where we were running to. Devlin still had hold of my hand as we splashed through
puddles that had instantly appeared.

There was a small building up ahead with an even smaller porch – more of a recess really. We ran for it. There wasn’t a lot of room, but by standing very close together we managed to
get out of the rain.

Devlin’s shirt was so wet it was sticking to his chest. The rain was running off my hair and collecting at the end of my nose. Devlin cupped my face in his hands and wiped the drop off
with his thumb then pulled me towards him and he kissed me again, properly this time because I didn’t scream.

It felt so good to have his fingers tangled in my hair and to feel the muscles on his back where my hands were wrapped round him. I tried to concentrate on the kiss and forget everything else,
but my mind was racing and I couldn’t stop it. Apart from the shock that Devlin was kissing me and that we’d just moved from being friends to something more, there was the old, familiar
sense of guilt that I could be happy. This time I really didn’t want to quash it. The thought of Lily was hovering at the back of my mind and I really didn’t want to be thinking about
Lily at a time like this.

Devlin pulled away. ‘Are you okay?’

‘I’m fine. More than fine . . . really.’

‘Are you sure? I mean . . . if you’d rather we were just friends . . . I didn’t mean to . . .’

‘No.’

‘I’ve wanted to do that since the first time I saw you,’ he said.

‘Really? But you never even spoke to me. I thought you hated me because your mum had made you talk to me . . .’ I was prattling again. It must have been nerves.

‘I was just intimidated by how beautiful you looked,’ he said.

I laughed. ‘Don’t be funny. I’m not beautiful.’

‘Do all English girls have a problem with accepting compliments?’ he said, putting his hands on my shoulders and giving me a fake stern look.

‘No,’ I told him. ‘Only the stupid ones.’

‘You’re doing it again. Stop it. You’re not stupid, you’re beautiful.’

I laughed again. Who was I to argue?

‘Do you ever stop laughing?’ he asked.

‘Not if I can help it,’ I said, laughing.

‘Well, let me help you,’ said Devlin, covering my mouth with another kiss.

The rain had stopped, leaving a fresh, clean smell in the air.

‘So what took you so long?’ I asked Devlin as we walked hand in hand through the park.

‘You mean before I made my move? Well . . .’ Devlin paused, ‘you were so sad and I didn’t want to take advantage. That time when your mum was in the hospital and we came
to get you . . .’

‘I must have looked a right mess,’ I interrupted, remembering how I’d cried on his shoulder.

‘I really wanted to kiss you then but obviously I couldn’t. I’d only just found out about your sister and I thought the last thing you needed was me making a move on
you.’

I squeezed his hand. ‘That was before Christmas.’

‘I know, and you seem a lot better – no, happier now, so I thought it would be okay.’ He stopped and turned me towards him, taking my other hand in his.

‘You’re sure it’s okay?’ he said, looking into my eyes.

I thought about answering that it was the best thing that had ever happened to me and that I was fine because I know that Lily would have told me to go for it. Instead, I took a step forward and
gently pressed my lips to his. It was all the proof he needed and, as he kissed me back, I forgot about everything else except for the moment and Devlin’s arms around me and his lips on mine.
It was definitely the best kiss so far.