Me Myself Milly (5 page)

You know when something isn’t being talked about and it’s referred to as ‘the elephant in the room’? Well, there was a whole herd of them in that room. You couldn’t
move for elephants.

David was obviously waiting until we’d eaten before telling us the news. Jeanie tried to start a conversation with Mum about her latest book, but Mum gave her a dark look and Jeanie backed
off.

And then there was the biggest elephant of all, the daddy elephant: The Incident and all it entailed. So, all in all, it was an uncomfortable meal and a far cry from the meals that we used to
have in this same kitchen in the good old days.

When we’d finished eating, David finally dropped the bombshell.

He explained that the university, where he lectures in English, had organised an exchange with an American lecturer, so he and Jeanie were going to move to Los Angeles for a year. It
wasn’t just a job swap, it would be a house swap as well; so that meant his American counterpart would be moving in upstairs and teaching here for a year. He said they’d be leaving in a
couple of weeks. I felt sick.

Jeanie explained that the door between our basement flat and the rest of the house would have to be locked. Then she said I’d have to give my front door key back. I hate them. How could
they do this to me?

David said it had been arranged for ages and they couldn’t cancel and he was really sorry. He said he would have told us before but with ‘everything that’s happened’ it
never seemed like the right time.

I wanted to ask if they’d take me with them but I knew I’d just sound pathetic and Mum would never agree to it anyway.

I was desperately trying not to show them how upset I was, but it must have been obvious because David put his hand on my shoulder and said, ‘It’ll be fun for you, Milly.
They’ve got a son and he’s not much older than you.’

Like that helped!

I made some excuse and ran downstairs so no one would see me crying. I cried into my pillow because I didn’t want Mum to hear me. My pillow got all soggy and covered in snot so I turned it
over and put it on Lily’s bed. She’ll never notice.

Eventually I stopped crying and lay on the bed following the cracks in the ceiling with my eyes. I felt strangely resolute. Like there was a piece of iron running through my body. Jeanie and
David were going away. I’d just have to deal with it, like I’d dealt with everything else. It wasn’t their fault – I knew that. So why did I feel that I’d been
betrayed?

Why do people have to grow up and get sensible jobs and do their houses up and generally behave like adults?

I wasn’t overreacting or anything. It was as if my dad had just said he was going away for a year. David is the closest thing Lily and I have ever had to a dad. Lily doesn’t seem at
all bothered and says she doesn’t know why I’m making such a fuss.

I was so upset I opened the doll’s house and took Jeanie and David out, even though they haven’t left yet. I packed them in the shoebox and stuffed it under the bed.

When Lily and I were five we went to school. Mum had been planning to home educate us, but she’d started writing these books all about some twins which really took
off and so we were sent to school after all.

We were the only twins in the school and, being practically identical, we caused a bit of a stir. At least Lily made sure we did. I say practically identical because, although we looked the
same, we couldn’t have been more different as far as personality went, so if we sat as still as statues and didn’t say anything it was hard to tell us apart, but the minute we started
to talk or move it was obvious who was who.

Lily liked to hold my hand all the time. She learned from an early age that people thought this was sweet. I remember the first day when the teacher put us on different tables. The girl next
to me smiled and said she was called Becky. She showed me her new pencil case and then Lily was there, pushing her off the chair.

‘That’s my Milly,’ she said and sat down. The girl started to cry and the teacher got cross and tried to get Lily to go back to her seat, but all she would say was ‘My
Milly’, over and over again until the teacher gave up and let us sit together. It sort of set the scene for the next six years.

That was the time when Mum was seeing Jason. David was having an extension built on the back of the house so we could live in the basement and he hired Jason as the carpenter on the job. At
that time we still mostly lived upstairs because that’s where all the action was, but we had our bedroom in the basement and then Mum got her workroom down there so it sort of became
ours.

Jason was working on the extension and of course he fell for Mum; who wouldn’t? I don’t want to give the impression that Mum’s had loads of men over the years because she
hasn’t – not really. Mum is very beautiful and she looks all fragile and vulnerable so men are always falling for her. The trouble is, although she looks fragile and vulnerable, she
isn’t either of those things. She’s very strong and independent, so the sort of men that are drawn to her because they think they can protect and look after her soon discover that she
doesn’t need protecting or want to be looked after. Jason stayed around longer than most.

In our basement there are two bedrooms, a kitchen, a tiny bathroom, a sitting room and Mum’s workroom at the back. It never used to feel small because we had the rest of the house as
well, but since Archie and his mum and dad moved out there’s been less excuse to go upstairs. And when Jeanie and David go we won’t be able to go up there at all.

Sharing a bedroom with Lily never used to be a problem until recently. Just before The Incident Lily said she needed her own space and was going to ask Jeanie and David if she could have a
room of her own upstairs. I told her Mum would never agree.

I woke up really late this morning – in Mum’s bed. For a minute I couldn’t work out where I was and then I remembered that last night I’d had the most
scary nightmare.

It started off with me looking at my reflection in a pool of water. I wasn’t admiring myself or anything, I just caught sight of my reflection and thought, ‘Oh look, it’s
me.’ Then, as I looked closer I realised it wasn’t me, it was Lily. I was outside looking at Lily who was under the water. And that’s when it got scary because she couldn’t
get out and I was beginning to panic. We were staring at each other and there was this water in between us and then suddenly, like things happen in dreams sometimes, I realised it was me under the
water, looking up at Lily and that’s when I really began to panic.

I was holding my breath and I knew I’d have to breathe soon and I couldn’t. The pressure was building up and up until I couldn’t hold on any more and I opened my mouth and
water poured in and still I couldn’t breathe and then I woke up and I was gasping for breath and shaking.

I switched the bedside light on, but the feeling wouldn’t go away and in the end I went and climbed in next to Mum, like I did when I was little and I’d had a bad dream.

I decided it must have been an anxiety dream because of the new school and everything. I could still recall the feeling of panic, so I got up and showered and dressed in the hope that doing
something would make the feeling fade more quickly.

Mum was in the kitchen with Carmel sorting out the final things for the school transfer. I poured myself a glass of orange juice and went to sit at the table with them.

Absently I picked up one of the documents that was lying there and didn’t realise for a while what I was looking at. I knew it had to be my birth certificate but it couldn’t be
right.

‘What’s this?’ I demanded of Mum.

‘It’s your birth certificate.’

I looked hard. It said Emily Pond, born 12th April.

‘Why does it say Emily?’

Mum took the certificate off me and angled it towards the light. She looked hard at it, like I had.

‘Mum? It says I’m called Emily.’

‘I can see that,’ said Mum. I couldn’t believe how calm she was.

‘How come no one ever told me?’

‘The thing is, I don’t really remember,’ said Mum. ‘When we went to register you I wasn’t really myself. I think I was in shock, you know – I wasn’t
expecting two babies . . .’

Typical, blame me, why don’t you. It was a pretty lame excuse.

‘You could go and ask David. I think it was his idea. But what does it matter? You’ll always be Milly.’

I had been planning to avoid David after his bombshell about going to America but I could make an exception for this. I paused in the doorway though and said to Carmel, ‘Make sure you fill
in all those forms with Emily – not Milly.’

Carmel looked up. ‘But I’ve already done them.’

‘Well, do them again,’ I said and stomped up the stairs in a way that I hope conveyed the message, ‘Don’t mess with me.’

David was finishing off the new shower room which he’d just installed in the small room right next to the door that led down to our flat. It had always been used as a large cloakroom where
all the coats and boots and outdoor wear were kept. There’d been loads of things in there and if it was cold and you needed to wrap up you just grabbed what was handy. But in the renovations
that had taken place it had been made into a downstairs loo with a shower. David was fitting the glass door onto the shower cubicle.

‘Yes, I vaguely remember,’ he said after I’d explained about the recent discovery.

He had a couple of bolts in his mouth so it was all a bit mumbled and he had that far away expression people get when they’re trying to remember something.

Vague wasn’t going to cut it.

‘David!’

‘Oh, right,’ said David, taking the bolts out of his mouth and putting the screwdriver down. ‘I was just about to stop for tea. Let’s go into the kitchen.’

‘As far as I remember,’ said David as he filled the kettle, ‘your mum was dead set on this Pond business, you know – having a name that went with your surname. She had
Lily all lined up and then you popped out and she was a bit stuck. Anyway, when we got to the registrar’s office I thought you should have a proper name.’

David was smiling at me. I know he’s always had a soft spot for me. In fact, I’d go as far as to say I was his favourite. Now I understood why.

‘Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with Milly. It’s just that it sounds like it’s short for something else.’

‘You mean, more like it’s long for Mill, as in Mill Pond!’ I said bitterly.

‘Yes, well . . . don’t blame your mum too much; she was in a bit of a state . . .’

‘Yeah, I know, she went into shock when I appeared!’

David laughed. ‘You have to admit, it was quite funny. But you were the sweetest little thing – so different from Lily . . .’ He trailed off. Looked embarrassed. I steered him
back onto the subject of my name.

‘So you persuaded Mum to call me Emily?’

‘I persuaded her to register you as Emily. She was always going to call you Milly.’

I went round the table and gave David a hug. ‘Thank you,’ I said.

David hugged me back. ‘Glad you like it. It was a toss up between Millicent and Emily.’

‘I’m glad you picked Emily, I love it.’ I let go of him and he went to get the milk out of the fridge. I sat back down at the table.

‘I can’t believe no one ever mentioned it!’ I said.

‘It was only me and your mum who knew,’ David said. ‘And as far as your mum was concerned you were Milly, so I guess I didn’t mention it again and then I sort of forgot.
Sorry.’

‘It’s okay,’ I said, ‘in fact it’s perfect. I’m glad I’ve only just found out.’

I went back downstairs and looked up the meaning of my name on the internet. It said:
Emily – from the old Roman family name Aemilius, meaning ‘rival
’. Ha ha, I
can’t wait to tell Lily.

I can’t believe what’s just happened; I’ve got a new name! Just as I was having to become a different person I get a whole new name to go with it. I woke up this morning as
Milly and now I’m Emily!

I know it might sound daft and nobody else seems to think it’s a big deal, but it is to me.

We don’t know who our real dad is.

Mum met him at a festival and they’d had better things to do than exchange personal details, so all she knew about him was that he went by the name of Shaggy. So apt in so many ways,
Mum used to say, whatever that means.

Lily and I used to dream of one day finding Shaggy and telling him we were his twin daughters. It didn’t seem right that somewhere there was a man wandering around who didn’t know
he was our dad.

When we were ten Lily and I decided it was our duty to find this man and inform him of his good fortune. We imagined the scene, sometimes even acting it out. Lily always played the part of
our father because it required a great deal of emotional acting and Lily was better at that sort of thing than me.

Sometimes we pretended we’d tracked him down and we acted out the scene where we knocked on his door and told him who we were. Or we’d pretend we were on a train and we’d
overhear a man telling his friend how he’d met the most beautiful woman called Summer at a musical festival years ago but he’d never been able to forget her. We’d then reveal our
identity and it would all end in joyful tears.