Melabeth Forgive Me, For I Am Sin! (34 page)

“SILENCE!” I bared my teeth and hissed. I swiped at her face with my claws, but I did not hit her. My sister retreated across the church; there she hid in a corner and cried.

The memory of her crying was so loud in my head, and, as I tried to tune it out, all I could hear was that
damn drum
.

I had known she was right, but I refused to listen to her. I do believe that love and hate have the same goal, to devour others. Still the end result is night and day, for being devoured by love is wonderful, and by hate, misery. No wonder I have no relationship with David, for we both hate and have no love.

My memories shifted to the day I met David, the first day on the bus, and the boy who captured my attention. He made me feel safe, and the love in his heart I craved. He held me accountable when I killed a man in the alley. He was the reason the very next night I spared a boy who was trying to take advantage of a girl. His love for me gave me hope and peace, but my hate fought for control.

After his family was murdered, we went to Vegas; we changed. We took each other as lovers, but really there was not much love. We filled our bed with sex and hate, and that was the bond we shared. The hate destroyed the boy I knew, and it wasn’t long before my need for David was for my own revenge. What did the hate do to me?

I could laugh at myself and my infatuation with Michael. He knew that I had no love in my heart. What did I want with him? Not to love, for all that mattered to me was the death of everyone involved in my murder. He knew this. Yet when my time came to have him, I didn’t want him because of his lack of purity. What kind of hypocrite had I become?

My thoughts were interrupted by a new sensation. I could feel my body, first my hands, followed by my feet. At first my body was numb, but slowly the feeling became stronger. I could now tell that I was curled into a ball. I could not move and the thought came that I could be underground again.

There was a chance I was not dead. I could have been saved from the fire, and then buried. My body would slowly repair itself, and I would soon arise once more, but it didn’t answer. Why did I keep hearing that damn drum?

I must have fallen asleep; time had passed. I awoke to the sound of the drum; it was now louder. I also came to realize it was not as constant as I originally believed. It had sped up and then slowed down. New noises filled my ears. It was the sound of the world, but it sounded as if I were hearing them from under water. I heard noises of cars, a TV and people talking. When they spoke I could almost make out what they were saying.

After sometime with sounds ever changing and my movement still severely hindered, I became bored. My mind slipped back into the memories of my past.

Even in death I found love, first with Carrie; many times she pulled me back to reality. She wasn’t very smart, but she had a heart of gold. She was also loyal and had suffered the same horrible fate that I had. She understood my pain, so when she questioned my revenge, it made me question my motives. In the end I blew her off, leaving her alone with David and finally using her to complete my revenge. She went wherever ghosts went. She did this for me. I hope she is happy and at rest; I owed her more than I could repay.

Alice was a sister to me though one could argue that her influence was worse than her friendship. I don’t know how I would have made it if it weren’t for her help. The same thought went for all the Whites. Ezra taught me how to fight and in many ways was a second father. How did I repay him…by killing his lover, Charlotte, and yet I knew he held no grudge against me.

Charlotte… I hadn’t really had time to mourn her death. What was she to me, a sister, a mother, or a good friend? In many ways she was all of those things, and in the end she died for me. She had known what we were up against, and not once did she act as if there was any other choice. The night before we went up into the mountain to face the wolves was the last time me and she had talked. Charlotte sat down next to me in front of the dying fire. I was pretty sure she wanted to talk to me about Michael; she wanted nothing more than for us to get together. The sky was full of light, for the morning sun was cresting soon. Ezra wished us all to go to bed as soon as the sun rose. We needed to be rested before entering the mountain.

I asked Charlotte, “Is Alice making you help me?”

She laughed at me, “No, don’t be ridiculous. I am a warrior, and so are you. When Alice asked for your help to recover the book, you jumped right in. You didn’t ask her why; nor did you worry about your own personal safety. Tomorrow we will go up in that mountain and face your enemies; some of us might not come back. Then again we could all be killed. If you’re asking why I’m here, I am here to fight, fight for you. We are a warrior clan, and that is what
we
do.”

“You’re willing to lay your life down for me, just because I asked you to?”

She gave me a small smile, than wrapped her arm around me, “If I were to ask it of you?”

I nodded, for we both knew the answer. I would go to my death for anyone of them. I was afraid of getting killed, but not of dying. I whispered, “Live by the sword…”

Charlotte finished, “Die by the sword.”

The memory died away for I was too distracted by a noise. I heard strange music and the world vibrated. I was still too weak to move. Where did they bury me?

*                 *                  *

I do believe I’m in hell.

I have been falling asleep and awakening for what seems to be months. My body would have never taken this long to repair itself, and I still feel so weak. I awaken to all the strange noises, music, TV, cars, people talking at all times. That damn drum, not only does it sound like I am underwater, but it kind of feels that way too. My body felt a little stronger now, so I was able to push and feel around with my hands and feet. It felt as if I were in a trash bag unable to find any solid surface to push against. The voices above sounded as if some of them could be my loved ones. On many occasions I thought my dad was talking to me, but that didn’t make any sense.

I was bored and forced to relive my life over and over again. I begged for forgiveness from God, but I doubt he could hear me… now that I was dead. Of course if he forgave like me, I’ll be here awhile.

One memory haunted me the most. It was not the memory of being raped and killed or even the terrible crimes I committed against others. It was the memory of me and my sister right before I left to pick up our father.

I was about ready to go; Mindy was in her cage. She had not spoken to me since our conversation the night before. She had angered me, as if forgiveness was my only way to peace. She believed I was a fool; that that stupid story would convince
me to let our father go. I came over to her cage, “I’m off to get father, so,
cheer up
! Soon we will all be together… one happy family.”

Mindy’s face was void of any real emotion, “This is your moment. I have had a vision, and I now know once you walk out that door your choice will be made.”

I giggled at her, “My choice was made a long time ago. In this vision, does father die? I just wanted to know, because I love happy endings.”

She pleaded, “Please listen. If you stop now, you will have peace. If you don’t, you will suffer. I don’t know how, but I know this. I really care about you; it’s not just father that I am trying to save.”

I had to admit she was convincing, but I didn’t believe her. I thought of something awful. “Maybe you’re right; maybe I should reconsider? I wouldn’t want to suffer.” Her facial expression told me she wasn’t buying it. I laughed, “Ok, ok, I’ll make you a deal; how about that?”

“What deal?”

I grinned wickedly, “I’ll let dad go, and kill you instead. Father will suffer knowing he lost you… without even making a profit. What do you think?”

In the blink of an eye she responded, “Ok, I will gladly take his place. You must promise never to hurt father.”

I was taken aback by her sincerity, “As if… I don’t have to promise shit. I could kill you and change my mind on a whim, but I will not kill you. It is Father who must die. In another world… we could have been real sisters.”

As I left I could hear her saying, “You will regret this, and it’s not too late…” She was still talking as the old wooden door slammed closed. I hopped into my rental car; it was time to go get father.

The memory of my sister giving me a final warning made me regretful. For, if I could have listened, I could have had a life…friends, possibly Michael, and, if not Michael, I would have found love. As my past haunted me, my world shrank. The bag that held me became tighter and more uncomfortable. Trapped under crazy sounds I did my best to kick and push my way out.

In and out of sleep, I was always awakening to my body being squashed. I now knew that I was in Hell, for I knew that I was not stationary. Not only was I moving through the land of the dead, but I could feel others pushing up against my bag.

This went on forever, or at least that is what it felt like. One day something changed… it felt as if my bag was pulled from out of the water. I was still in my bag, but now I could tell that I was lying on my back, for I could feel gravity. The bag constricted me, pushing and squeezing me. If I could have screamed, I would have.

The bag pushed my head into what felt like a steel pipe, only the pipe was not wide enough for my head. No matter, the bag pushed harder. I thought that I could hear my screams until I realized that they came from someone else.

The noises did not matter for my head hurt like no other; the pain was so great it was all I could think of.

I didn’t care about living or dying; I didn’t care where I was.  All I cared about was stopping the pain. My head was being squashed… hurry and kill me… please. This lasted for what felt like forever.

The pain was so great it took me a second to
realize what I
was seeing. A light far in the distance, and I was getting closer. The light was becoming bigger and brighter; it was hard to care because of the pain. Somewhere in my head I knew that I was finally heading to my final destination. Heaven or Hell, I wasn’t sure I cared; I just wanted the pain to end.

The light became so bright, and before I knew it I was engulfed by the light. The light was pure white and so bright I could see nothing. With the light, other things came; first and foremost was that my head didn’t hurt as bad. Second was that sound exploded into my ears, so loud that I couldn’t make it out; it was overwhelming, shortly followed by what felt like being thrown into icy water.

I was freezing, and screaming for air… wait… I was screaming, breathing and falling. Too many things were happening to me in the bright light to understand. The cold air, the fact I could breathe, and now I felt as if I had come to some sort of landing upon a hard stone. I couldn’t   help but cry as my senses were overwhelmed.

Something was wrong. HANDS… that is what I am feeling, hands feeling across my body… I hadn’t enough strength to push them away.

At first I was totally and completely freaked about the hands, but then they wrapped me in blankets. I was so cold my mouth chattered. I don’t know whose hands were touching me, but I was thankful. I was thankful for the blanket, and thankful that my head was no longer being squeezed with a vise.

I was so tired… the pain and the light… I felt mentally and physically exhausted, and I even felt another sensation, hunger. It all went away when I realized that I was now being held in someone’s arms. It must have been a large man. The light was dimming, and the noise became more manageable. I realized this person holding me was speaking to me. The voice was kind, but sounded feminine.

My vision began to clear, and I became excited, for I think God himself was holding me. The face came more and more into focus, but as it did I could tell it was a woman. I had guessed that God might be a woman. The woman’s voice was soft and kind, “My little girl.”

Her voice was familiar, and something was off. I was making out others talking in the room. I heard the word
nurse
; what was going on? I strained my eyes to see the face of the woman holding me.

She was… Oh my God… wait… she spoke, “My little Molly.” She was my sister… my blood… it was my sister. It all came together for I could hear the drums, her heartbeat.

All I could do was… SCREAM.

初心者

Two weeks…

It had been two weeks since my re-birth. Two of the longest weeks of my life, but of course that is not counting the last nine months I spent in Hell. I couldn’t freak out, and I can’t freak out in front of my sister. She has no idea, and she deserves better than this; it is as if I have stolen her child. For her sake I have to act as if I am a baby. Of course, I don’t have any experience with babies and I have already made mistakes.  I spoke once; I didn’t mean to; it just happened.

I was still in the hospital when my sister woke me, “Proud grandfather.”

I opened my eyes to find that my father… or wait, my grandfather was holding me. Without thinking I said, “Father.”

Mindy spoke quickly, “Did she say father?”

“No, she’s just baby talking,” I didn’t know this man who now spoke, but it didn’t take long to find out he was my new father. That would make him my third father; first there was Jack, then Nicks and now John. Boy this was going to be hard to keep straight.

I wanted to play it off so I made baby noise, to try to throw them off. That’s when some stupid nurse started in, “I have never heard a day old baby make such strong vocal sounds… amazing.”

All I could think was,
great
.

My father Jack announced, “That’s my girl; she’s already a genius.”

The next two weeks were horrible. I couldn’t decide what was worse, feeding from my sister’s breast, or bathroom time, and what was I to do with my waking hours; I was always glad to sleep. It would be good if someone would leave me within sight of the TV, but that hasn’t happened yet.

I was hungry as I lay in my crib; I decided to try to get more sleep before I cried. I really hated feeding time, unless my father did it. I enjoyed his voice and the fact he used a bottle. I stared at my mobile waiting for sleep.

*                  *                  *

I was moving without a sound through a neighborhood I was not familiar with. My body moved without effort; I knew this feeling. I knew that I was a vampire; I also knew that I was excited about something. After I traveled down an alley I came to realize that this was not me. I was in someone else’s body and had no control. It was like watching a movie. Only this was the best movie ever; I felt what they felt, smelled the air, I had all five senses.

I also knew this was a vampire, and even though I didn’t know who, or what they were thinking; I knew how they felt. It was a female, and she was excited about where she was heading. I didn’t understand what was going on, but I didn’t care. After two weeks of lying on my back I was really enjoying this. I pushed the fear to the side.

The vampire moved swiftly through the neighborhood. It was a nice looking middle class neighborhood with lots of tall trees. It looked a lot like North Carolina, the same place where I died and was re-born. The vampire came to an older part of town. The house here looked to be from the earlier part of the nineteenth century. She came to a stop in front of an old home that looked like it needed a lot of T.L.C. It was two stories high with a widow’s peak off to the right.

She moved to the right of the house then traveled into the yard and down the alley. The vampire floated into the air coming to a stop in front of a window. The window was not locked, but why would it be, it was on the second story.

After opening the window, the vampire whispered, “Invite me in.” There was no response, so she requested again, “Invite me in.”

The second time she spoke it was in stereo… I awoke with a start.

I was lying upon my back looking at my mobile. What a crazy dream. A voice softly spoke, “Invite me in.”

I froze; who was this? It took me a minute, “Come in.”

Barely a moment had passed when arms came down into my crib and scooped me up. Without a sound she carried me to a rocker. Rocking me in her arms Alice smiled down upon me. She pulled out a bottle and began to feed me. The fact she was here was so amazing; I was happy she had found me.

I had been hungry, so I started to devour the liquid in the bottle.  Alice started humming a song as she rocked me back and forth. After a little time passed I was still feeding from the bottle like it was the first meal I had ever had. The milk was amazing, like nectar of the Gods. And I began to wonder, where did she get this bottle from?

I couldn’t wait to finish the bottle, for had been months since I was able to speak to anyone. It was still dark in the room; I strained my eyes looking at the bottle. The liquid was black and moved with an eerie slowness. The taste was divine, the best thing I had tasted since… Oh, my.

I reached and pushed the giant bottle out of my mouth; it was gigantic from my point of view. I asked, “What are you feeding…”

Alice interrupted me by shoving the bottle back into my mouth. “Shh… babies don’t talk!”