Men Who Love Men (26 page)

“That makes no sense at all.”

“It kind of does. You see, I think the reason he doesn’t want to play basketball this year is because kids on other teams call the Provincetown players—”

“Faggots,” Jeff says, finishing my thought. “Yes, I know. Ann Marie finally told us. And I’ve called the principal of that other school and told him that I expect a full investigation—”

“See, Jeff, I think that’s what J. R. worries about. That somehow he’s going to be thrust into the spotlight about some gay issue, and consequently everyone is going to think
he’s
gay.”

“For God’s sake, he’s nine years old!”

“And that’s how a nine-year-old thinks.”

Jeff shakes his head. “Why is he suddenly thinking being gay is something he has to defend against? We raised him to understand diversity, and the Provincetown school system has lots of kids who have gay and lesbian parents!”

“Yes, but they still run up against the real world from time to time, and it can be tough on a kid.”

Jeff runs his hands over his face. “I know this is part of it, but it’s not the whole thing. Something else is going on with J. R., something that goes even deeper than this. That’s what Lloyd is trying to find out. He thinks J. R. needs to talk with a counselor, but he wants to try to understand the situation better himself first so we know what we’re dealing with.”

“I know this is hard on you, Jeff.”

He shakes his head. “The hell with me. It’s hard on
J. R.
Whatever it is.”

I nod in agreement. “So you don’t know when they will be back?”

“No. They took a drive down to Chatham and might take the boat out to Monomoy if they can get J. R.’s spirits up.”

“J. R. loves going out on the boat.”

“Well, he used to.”

I reach over and touch Jeff’s knee. “You’ll get to the bottom of this. I know you will.”

“What makes you so sure? What problems have
you
gotten to the bottom of lately, Henry?”

I frown. “That’s not fair.”

“I’m sorry.”

Suddenly all I want is to be alone in my room. “Look, would you have Lloyd call me when he gets back? I need to talk with him about something.”

Jeff raises his eyebrows. “What’s the problem?”

“Nothing…I just need to talk with Lloyd.”

“Henry, I’m sorry if I snapped at you.” It’s his turn now to touch my knee the way I’d just touched his. “What’s going on?”

I hesitate, but then I let it out. “I slept with Luke again.”

Jeff grins, and I can tell he’s grateful for the opportunity to lighten his mood. “You sly dog, you,” he teases.

“Jeff—” My tongue seems tied. My thoughts and feelings are doing somersaults in my head, and I can’t seem to keep them straight. “He’s—I mean, what do you—I just don’t know what to think about Luke.”

Jeff leans forward on the couch to look at me. “What’s gotten your panties in such a twist, Henry?”

“Well, for one, he’s very angry with you, and that makes me a little worried.”

“At me? Why?”

“Because he thinks you were trying to discourage him in his writing. He thinks you view him as competition.”

“Oh, yeah, I’m really worried,” Jeff says sarcastically. “Henry, you should have read some of his stuff—”

I decide not to reveal that I already have. “Just think back to the conversation you had with him. Could you have possibly come across as too critical, too hard?”

Jeff shakes him head adamantly. “Not at all. I told him it needed work, but that he should keep going, that I thought he had talent somewhere inside him. It was very mild criticism.”

I sigh. “I think for someone like Luke, hearing that he has talent ‘somewhere inside him’ instead of being told that he is the next John Updike is always going to be translated into, ‘You suck.’”

“Well,” Jeff says, “his anger at me may stem from more than that.”

I look over at him. “What do you mean?”

He closes his eyes, then opens them again after a few moments. “After I gave him his criticism yesterday morning, Luke seemed pretty quiet, but he
did
say he appreciated my honesty. I thought that was that. So I came back here to the house, and I was at my computer when I heard somebody enter through the door behind me. And it’s Luke. Naked.”

“Naked? As in thong naked?”

“As in naked naked.” Jeff laughs. “He says he wants to ‘thank’ me for reading his manuscript, and since he couldn’t pay for such professional criticism, he wanted to find another way.”

I can feel my body going numb.

“Man, he looked very sexy standing there.” Jeff grins. “Like I have to tell
you
that, Henry. You’ve obviously been unable to resist him. The kid’s adorable.”

“And so you—”

“Turned him down.” Jeff smiles wanly. “I just couldn’t do it with him. Remember, Lloyd and I were off to plan our wedding later that day. I just couldn’t fuck this kid and then go off to talk about wedding vows.” He shakes his head, glancing toward the window. “I tell you, Henry, planning for this wedding has put me in such a different place. The weirdest thing is: it actually wasn’t all that difficult to turn Luke down.”

He laughs. I say nothing.

“Okay, so it was a
little bit
difficult,” Jeff continues, “especially when he turned around and showed me his ass. What a bubble butt. But in the end, I just said no, and sent him back across the way.”

The image of Luke showing Jeff his ass—the same ass I would fuck later that night—sears my brain.

“I’ve got to go,” I say, standing.

Jeff looks up at me strangely. “What’s the matter?”

I boil over. “You just don’t get it, Jeff. Do you
mean
to be insensitive, or are you just so insensitive that you don’t know
when
you’re being insensitive?”

“
What
?” Jeff stands to face me. The cat jumps off the couch. “Henry, what did I say?”

I snort. “Then I guess it’s the latter.”

Understanding seems to cross Jeff’s face, and his hand reaches out grip my forearm. He wants to keep me from leaving.

“Okay, okay, you’re right,” he says. “I wasn’t thinking. I’m sorry if I was insensitive. But Luke coming on to me didn’t mean anything…”

“Oh, no, nothing at all. Except that, when he couldn’t get you, he turned to me as a consolation prize.
Story of my fucking life!
”

Jeff’s shaking his head. “That’s not the way it was, Henry.”

“That’s the way it always is!”

“Not this time. Luke had an ulterior motive going after me, Henry. If he couldn’t get me to champion his work on its own merits, he’d try to become my ‘mistress’ and maybe get me to help him because of
that
.” Jeff looks me straight in the eye. “But he came on to
you
, Henry, not because he wanted anything from you, but because he
liked
you.”

“It doesn’t wash, Jeff. It just doesn’t wash.”

He lets my arm go. There’s really nothing else that can be said.

“Just have Lloyd call me when he gets back, okay? I’d appreciate you not saying about Luke. I should be the one to tell him what happened with our employee.”

“I’m sorry, buddy,” Jeff says again as I head out.

I wave him away. “Just forget it. That’s what I’m going to try to do.”

I head back across the way. I can’t bear to see Luke right now. Knowing that he came on to Jeff earlier in the day makes me feel like sloppy seconds—and damn it, it hurts.

And now try telling me that wasn’t Jeff’s Speedo, you freaking perv!

I suspect he’s watching me from the window as I hop into my Jeep with the top down and tear out of the driveway. I’m not sure where I’m headed. I just cruise down Route 6, cranking up Pearl Jam as loud as my ears will permit. And at the moment, that’s very loud indeed.

It all makes perfect sense. Jeff’s story explains Luke’s seething anger at him. He was rejected by his idol not once but twice, and I just blundered into the middle of it. Yet again, Henry Weiner proves his stupidity by allowing himself to think, even if just for a night, that Luke—that anyone—might really like him.
I am such a fool. Such a big old idiotic—

My cell rings. A local P-town number I don’t recognize.

“Hello!” I shout.

“Henry?”

The wind and the music combine to make hearing difficult.

“Who’s this?” I ask. “Speak up!”

“Henry, it’s Evan.”

“Evan?”

“Yeah, you remember, the other night you—”

“Yeah, I remember. Hold on.”

I glance quickly in the rearview mirror to see if anyone’s behind me. No one is, so I swerve over to the side of the road and ram the Jeep into park. I switch off Pearl Jam.

“Henry, you there?”

“Yeah, I’m here.”

“So how the hell are you, dude?”

“I’m just ducky, dude, how are you?”

My voice is hard, but Evan laughs. “I’m just great,” he says. “Listen, Curt and I were hoping you could join us for dinner tomorrow night.”

“Dinner?” I’m feeling belligerent. “And then maybe a dip in the hot tub?”

I hear Evan chuckle. “That could be arranged.”

“I’m sure it could. I’m sure it’s
often
arranged.”

Evan laughs again, but I can tell he’s starting to become wary of me. “So can you come?”

“Oh, yes, I can come, although I gave no evidence of it the other night.”

It takes Evan a few seconds to get the joke, and then he doesn’t seem to find it all that funny. “It’s hard getting a straight answer out of you, Henry.”

“Maybe that’s because I’m not straight. Instead, I’m gay, a big flaming homo—trapped in a culture that prizes sexual romps and game-playing more than anything real and lasting.”

Evan doesn’t respond.

“How many others are you inviting, Evan?” I ask. “Is it one for you and one for Curt, or will this be an all-out orgy?”

Evan’s voice is tight. “We were just inviting you.”

“Why would you want to see me again?” I ask. “Has there been a little bed death since tying the knot during that fabulous ceremony on the Maui volcano? Is that what it is? Curt just doesn’t get you hot and bothered anymore, so you need to bring in outsiders to spice things up?”

“Henry,” Evan says, “if you don’t want to come to dinner, all you have to do is say no, thank you.”

Suddenly I feel like a shit. Evan doesn’t deserve this.

“I’m sorry,” I tell him, the air rushing out of my puffed-up chest like a balloon. “Really, I am. I was totally out of line.”

“I’ll say.”

“I’ve just had a really bad day so far.”

“Sorry to hear it.” He doesn’t sound sincere. Who can blame him? I just bit his head off for extending me a dinner invitation.

“Look,” I say, “it’s just that I really liked you, Evan. I allowed myself to imagine maybe there might be something more between us.”

“Oh,” he says. “I see.”

“But it was my fault. I made some presumptions, but they were wrong.”

Somehow I can tell he’s smiling. “I’m sorry we never got to take our walk on the beach.”

“You know what? You can’t say that to me.”

“Why not? Henry, we really liked you.”

I fall silent.

“I should have explained to you more clearly that Curt and I were lovers,” Evan says. “I should have explained to you that we’re not just players, that we really like getting to know the people we have sex with.”

“But see, here’s the deal,” I tell him. “I’m looking for more than just sex…”

“So are we.” Evan pauses. “In fact, we’ve been talking about the possibility of developing an ongoing relationship with someone.”

“A three-way relationship, you mean?”

“Yeah. I know it’s crazy to be talking about this right now. We hardly know each other. But I just want you to know, Henry, that we’re not just looking for sex.”

For a brief moment, sitting here on the side of the road, I almost tell Evan sure—I’d love to come to dinner. I’d love to consider everything you—and Curt—might have to offer. And it’s not just the memory of Evan’s hot body that’s making me feel this way. Even more, it’s the memory of how much he loved Provincetown, how in tune he seemed to be with my own sensibility. He came so close to fitting my dream of Mr. Right—

Except for one thing.

He has a husband already.

“I just can’t,” I say finally. “Thanks for the invitation. But I can’t allow my heart to get ripped out from the inside of my rib cage.”

“Henry, we wouldn’t do anything to hurt you—”

I laugh. “Of course you wouldn’t. It would
me
. I know how to hurt myself very well on my own.”

“It doesn’t have to be about getting hurt.”

“Look,” I tell him. “I’m sure you’re great guys. But I think I’m going to become a monk. It’s the only safe path for me.”

Evan laughs. “If you do, you’d be the sexiest monk out there. I’d hate to think of a hottie like you being taken out of circulation.”

I smile. “I appreciate you saying that.”

“It’s true.”

Is it? I just don’t know anymore. I flip the rearview mirror down so I can stare up into my reflection. I look tired. I look old. Yet Evan just called me a hottie. Which is true?

“Well,” Evan’s saying, “if tomorrow night doesn’t work, then would you at least keep our number on your phone? And call us if you’re ever inclined to do so?”

“Yeah,” I tell him. “I can do that.”

“Hope your day gets better, Henry. I really do.”

I sit there for a long time after hanging up the phone, just staring down the road ahead of me. To think that I was so desperate for a boyfriend that for a moment there I was actually considering dating a married couple…

Lots of guys have successful three-way relationships.

Shane’s voice.

And he’s right: lots of guys do. So is it possible that I turned Evan down too soon?

Maybe, in fact, I ought to heed Shane’s point: I rejected Evan and Curt out of my own fear-based idiosyncrasies. Maybe I
could
, in fact, have a wonderfully fulfilling relationship with the two of them. Some multi-partner relationships seem to work out just great. For so long I’ve lamented not having a boyfriend. Now I’d get two for the price of one.