Messy Beautiful Love (16 page)

A friend should be a place of safe retreat, where one can hide from the storm. But if you harbor resentment and anger, you can’t possibly be the loyal friend that another will trust with his heart.

The embrace of a wife can be one of the most sacred
places on earth. It’s a place of refuge where a husband can rest from the toil of everyday life. It’s a place where he is welcome and wanted. He is strengthened by her gentle embrace and restored by her kindness. Her grace is the light that breaks through the darkness, streaming into his soul.

I want to be that woman. That friend. But I know that unless I’m willing to let go of anger, resentment, and hurt, I won’t be that place of refuge. Even the slightest bit of resentment can seep into my thoughts and cause damage if I’m not walking in compassion and grace.

I’m reminded of the night that I noticed a little water on the kitchen floor by the sink, which is par for the course considering that most days Nathaniel spills far more than he drinks. I grabbed a tea towel and wiped up the spot. No problem. But when I went into the kitchen an hour later and noticed a bulging box of dishwasher detergent under the sink and another puddle of water beneath my feet, I knew we had a leak somewhere that had to be fixed. It wasn’t too serious, but enough of a drip that I stood on towels to wash dishes and had to change my socks.

The sound of Michael tinkering in the kitchen after dinner was music to my ears. I wondered whether he might be too tired or too busy to get to it that evening, but since we both know that water can cause permanent damage if it’s left to soak, he wanted to repair it right away.

See where I’m going with this? The Scriptures remind
us of yet another damaging drip—a contentious woman: “A continual dripping on a very rainy day / And a contentious woman are alike” (Prov. 27:15
NKJV
). Contention appears in numerous ways, including opposing, nagging, arguing, challenging, belittling, and competing. And why do we do it? Because somehow we think that by nagging them we’re encouraging our husbands to be better people. The truth is that many husbands—and many wives for that matter—have fragile egos that should be handled with care and respect.

In the same way that a leaky faucet can cause permanent damage, our words left unchecked can damage our relationships and cause resentment to grow. I can’t imagine what the state of my kitchen would be if we let that faucet leak for ten years, but in some marriages that’s what’s happening. Sometimes the damage appears insurmountable. Giving up, the couple walk away. And we wonder why we’re not friends anymore?

Friends encourage you. Friends cheer you on. Friends are there to support you. Friends listen to you. Friends have your back. Friends are truthful yet compassionate. Friends make you laugh. Proverbs said it this way: “A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly” (18:24).

“But,” you might say, “I’m the only one who is putting any effort into this marriage. What about him?”

Certainly it takes the work of two people to form a strong marriage bond, but my advice to you is to concentrate on
your share of the work and leave him to do his. And if you are praying for your marriage, you’re definitely not the only one working on this. God is at work.

A best friend is a God thing, especially when that best friend is your husband. Isn’t he worth the work?

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THIRTEEN
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Be Content with the Life That You’re Given

T
WO SUMMERS AGO MY HUSBAND AND I
took the kids on a road trip. It was the same trip that my parents took my sisters and me on when I was about eleven years old. We drove across Canada to Banff, Alberta, and I’d been itching to go back ever since. Banff was beautiful, but for me it was all about going back to Heritage Park in Calgary. While people dream about going to exotic places like Paris and Rome, I dream about the day when I can go back to Heritage Park. Call me a goof, but it’s one of my favorite places on earth.

My guess is that it stems from my love of
Little House on the Prairie
. Growing up, I never missed an episode, and I still watch the reruns with my kids today. That Nellie Oleson and her wicked grin still get under my skin every time!

The first time we went to Heritage Park, the show was in its second season, and Walnut Grove was on everyone’s lips. To visit a town that resembled it? That was a breathtaking experience.

The entire town is authentic. You can dine in the restaurant on the corner, visit the old schoolhouse, shop at the mercantile store, and hop a train from Heritage station. If I could live there I would—in a second. I’d grab a room above the mercantile where I could hammer away at an old typewriter while listening to the sound of horses clip-clopping outside my window. I think I’d be willing to give up the Internet for that, even if only a week. And I wouldn’t mind wearing one of those apron dresses and bonnets either. If only they were back in style; today’s fashion just doesn’t compare, does it?

Michael, on the other hand, enjoyed Banff. He’s the hiking/exploring type while I’m the shopping/spending type. So once we arrived in Banff, he took the boys exploring while Madison and I went shopping. I would go exploring with him, but I value my life too much. He likes to go off the beaten path and isn’t afraid of what he might find. If you have to pack bear repellant, it’s probably not the safest journey to take. That’s my take on it.

We drove from Winnipeg, Manitoba, to Banff, Alberta, stopping in Regina and Calgary along the way. I offered to do some of the driving, but Michael insisted on staying behind the wheel while I caught up on my reading. It’s amazing how fast you can go through a book when you’re traveling, isn’t it? I went through two.

Thankfully, before leaving home Michael picked up a GPS. It’s a pretty cool little gadget to have, especially when you’re traveling across country as we were.

Michael was enjoying his new toy, and after using it to navigate through the city of Calgary, we couldn’t imagine traveling without it. The GPS was able to direct us from our driveway at home to the front door of our hotel without a hitch. It was awesome. That is, until we had a craving for Mexican food.

We live in a city with more than 700,000 people, but we’re not well served when it comes to Mexican food. So whenever we visit a new city, we’re always in search of good enchiladas. Usually, we can find a good Mexican restaurant without too much difficulty, but this night proved to be different. I don’t know if Michael was tired that night or if Calgary was that confusing, but even
with
the GPS he managed to miss every turn.

Anytime you miss a turn, the voice on the GPS system says, “Recalculating,” which is fine unless you’re missing turns left, right, and center. Then it’s more than annoying. The family was silent, Michael was tense, and the GPS was chanting, “Recalculating, recalculating, recalculating,” until we finally
arrived at the restaurant where we discovered a Closed sign. It was time to get back in the Jeep and recalculate things again.

A few weeks later, a friend pointed out to us how marriage is like a GPS system, and after that trip I could definitely relate. Most people go into marriage with an idea of what things should look like and how life will pan out. One of the most exciting things that you can do with your partner is to discuss your hopes and dreams for the future. We did it. Doesn’t everybody?

When Michael and I were dating, we drew up plans for our dream home. We knew how many kids we wanted to have, where we wanted to live, and when we planned to retire. We even picked out a name for our dog, which we didn’t have yet. We talked about the style of furniture we liked, the dishes we wanted, and the ways we’d celebrate holidays. Like other young couples, we programmed these things into our GPS system as we saved and planned for the future.

The problem—if you can even call it a problem—is that our lives are constantly recalculating the paths that we take. Since it’s impossible to see past today, things rarely (if ever) turn out
exactly
the way that we planned. We didn’t plan to have five miscarriages and then a sick baby, to endure sleepless nights, to deal with unemployment, or to buy a new company. All we are given is
this
moment; tomorrow belongs to the Lord. The question is, are we flexible enough to let Him lead the way? In other words, are we content when things don’t go our way?

A contented woman brings glory to her husband while trusting God for her future. A discontented woman is the equivalent of a nagging GPS. Imagine for a moment that instead of happily recalculating the journey for you, a voice came over the system complaining, nagging, and reminding you that you missed every turn. How long do you think you’d listen to it before turning off the volume or tossing it out the window?

Recalculating is natural. It becomes a problem only when we stop trusting God with our futures. We have a choice: we can enjoy the twists and the turns in the road, or we can complain that life isn’t all that we hoped it would be. The time comes when all of us have to choose.

One of my favorite examples of contentment is found in the story of Ruth. After the deaths of her husband and her two sons, Naomi decided to leave Moab and return to her homeland of Judah. But there was a special bond between Naomi and her daughter-in-law Ruth, a Moabite, who was determined to stay by her side.

Regardless of how difficult this transition could turn out to be for her, Ruth said,
“
Entreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God: where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried: the L
ORD
do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part thee and me” (Ruth 1:16–17). Ruth didn’t know what the future would hold, where she’d
be sleeping, how they would support themselves, or whether she’d ever find another husband. There was a strong possibility that the people would not accept her; the Moabites had a long history of conflict with the Israelites. But Ruth was willing to trust God with her future. None of us can tell what the future holds, which is why it’s so important to possess that same faithful attitude when planning and dreaming ahead.

Ask yourself,
Will I be content if God changes my plans?
And challenge yourself to be so when things don’t go your way.

Here’s a quotation from a familiar voice that echoes my thoughts:
“ ‘
This earthly life is a battle,’ said Ma. ‘If it isn’t one thing to contend with, it’s another. It always has been so, and it always will be. The sooner you make up your mind to that, the better off you are, and more thankful for your pleasures.’ ”
¹

I think a big part of the reason that so many people like me have fallen in love with the Little House stories and in particular the character of Caroline Ingalls is her gentleness and contentment. She’s an example to many. As a pioneer woman in the 1800s, she struggled alongside her husband to make ends meet and raise their five children. Not only did this woman make do with the little they had; she did it gracefully. Time and again they battled against the elements of nature, never knowing how their next crop would turn out, and when they did face trouble, she looked past it to thank God for their blessings.

Contentment requires us to trade personal and immediate gratification for a heightened sense of appreciation. That kind
of faith can be difficult, but those who choose to “let go and let God” possess a gem of great worth.

We’re not used to seeing that in this world. The media conditions us to want more, expect more, and anticipate more. When circumstances don’t reward us the way we hoped that they would, we patiently wait, dream, and imagine what life will be like when we finally reach the island of “more.” What we should be doing is stopping to thank God for
this
moment before moving on to the next: “In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you” (1 Thess. 5:18).

Patience is good, but contentment calls us to take a step further in faith, which is why the two should be working together. Contentment doesn’t wish that today was tomorrow. Contentment lives in each present moment with an attitude of gratitude. The reward is at hand. It isn’t an easy choice, but the best things in life never are.

I knew of one husband who wanted to be a carpenter early on in his marriage. Not having a garage, he set up a table saw in the bedroom of their little apartment and built cabinets there. No, he didn’t clean up after himself. His wife vacuumed the sawdust and moved his tools off the bed at night.

I don’t know how many women would handle that as patiently as she did. Her kind and gentle spirit draws him close to her side, and after thirty years they are still happily married. He now has a big garage for his tools and has since built her a beautiful kitchen. By looking past his faults, she is
able to see a kind, generous man and amazing father with a heart that’s bigger than his garage ever could be.

But if he wasn’t that man? If he wasn’t so kind and generous, what then? By drawing him close and captivating his heart, his wife has the power to influence him. It’s an influence that would otherwise be lost if she pushed him away. Peter urged, “Ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives” (1 Peter 3:1).

Be thankful for where you are in your marriage
today.
Finances might be tight, his habits might grate on your nerves, or you might sense that the romance is gone. All that could very well be true, but there’s a fine gem waiting to be held in the palm of your hand. Hold on to contentment; the reward is at hand. “Rejoice evermore. Pray without ceasing. In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you” (1 Thess. 5:16–18).