Metallica: This Monster Lives (32 page)

“There’s nothing really to be scared of,” Kirk added. He recalled a date on the last Metallica tour when relations between Jason and the others had really reached an impasse. “It just brings me back to that one day in the hotel, when he was just so shut down, man. There was a fucking huge brick wall in front of him that none of us could get through, and it’s just, I mean …” He struggled to
find the words. “The one question that I have is: Has any of that changed? Is the wall still there? Is it thicker? Taller?”

James nodded. “Kirk asked a great question. Is that wall still there? I know we’ve all had a wall. Mine’s been pretty tall and thick, too, and I’ve seen people reaching over to grab me. Whether or not Jason’s wall is torn down, he’s still miles and miles behind us. Do we want to do that catch-up?” He looked around the table.

“You’re tapping into what I’m feeling,” Lars said.

“And me,” Kirk added. “I mean, we have something here that’s working really, really well right now, and do we really want to fuck with it? I don’t know if there’s room for Jason in this band—I mean, mentally, not physically or musically. Can he hang? Can
we
hang?”

“I’m where James is,” Lars said. “I’m really happy with what we have, and I don’t think that Jason is a person capable of having this kind of intimacy.”

James was silent for a moment. “I never doubt that anyone can get what we’ve got,” he said slowly. “’Cause I know I was in such a bad place, I never thought I could be where I’m at now.”

I was surprised by Kirk’s hard-line position. I always got the impression that Jason had a closer relationship with Kirk than with James and Lars. My guess is that Kirk and Jason bonded over their shared frustration over not getting to air many musical ideas in Metallica. Lars’s skeptical attitude toward reintegrating Jason was understandable, since Jason had been so initially resistant to Phil, and Lars was probably now concerned that Jason could derail the therapeutic process.

James, on the other hand, had only recently begun to approach Phil’s therapy with the same verve as Lars; like Jason, but to a lesser degree, James had initially been wary of therapy. Lars professed to be “where James is.” But where
was
James, exactly? “I never doubt that anyone can get what we’ve got.” That sounded like a new convert proclaiming that Jason could be “saved” by the same grueling process that James, a former skeptic, had undergone. It sounded almost like James—and, to some extent, the others—was saying that the guy he was when Jason left was not someone emotionally equipped to deal with the situation. This was more than just admitting that Jason had sort of gotten a raw deal. It also sounded like James was saying that this deal was the
only
deal the old James knew how to give, so maybe it would benefit everyone to
give Jason a second chance. Were we seeing the old “if you’re not with me, you’re against me” James, or the new emotionally aware James?

As it turned out, it was a little of both. James’s tendency to see things in black-and-white always made me nervous, since he was the Metallica member most likely, depending on his mood, to perceive our cameras as a direct threat—to his emotional health, his privacy, or his performance in the studio. Conversely, if he thought you were onboard with him, he was unfailingly loyal and supportive. So James did retain a bit of the mind-set that had caused him to tell Jason it was his way or the less glamorous Echobrain highway. Jason had shown his true colors and was thus banished from the kingdom for good. On the other hand, “I was in such a bad place, I never thought I could be where I’m at now.”

As we all know, they decided not to welcome Jason back to the land of the living. The “surviving” members of Metallica ultimately thought of themselves as people who were now very different from Jason. They were miles ahead of him, and although the journey had brought them to a point where they were, ironically, more tolerant of Jason’s complaints about his treatment in Metallica, they decided he was just too far behind. This was completely understandable, although there was a bit of historical revisionism going on. Lars, for one, said he never shared James’s belief that James was unable to reach this enlightened state: “Even though you’re saying what you’re saying, I always had faith and trust in you, and maybe that’s what always kept this alive.” Perhaps because the James-less period was so painful for Lars to recall, it looked to me like he wasn’t giving himself enough credit now for how much his feelings toward James had evolved since that time. If you go back to
chapter 9
, you’ll be reminded that Lars did have doubts in James’s ability to become a new person. “I’m skeptical of it happening on all fronts” was one of his more gloomy pronouncements from that period.

At the time Dee Dee left the Ramones, the band was in such a state of interpersonal turmoil, the members would walk on and off the tour bus at different times to avoid looking at each other. Grudges and ongoing fights, especially between Dee Dee and Johnny, steadily wore the band down. Dee Dee sacrificed himself (he also tried to launch a career as a rapper, but that’s another story) and by leaving tore the band apart so it could heal. His eventual replacement, C.J. Ramone, became a permanent member of the family, to the extent
that when Dee Dee returned many years later and asked for his job back, he no longer seemed like a sibling.

Courtesy of Bob Richman

Metallica, despite everybody’s sunny disposition, had very recently been in a state much like the Ramones’ prior to Dee Dee’s departure. Jason had been gone for a little over a year, but as recently as two months earlier, during the days immediately following James’s return from rehab, James and Lars could hardly bear to be in the same room together. The “miles and miles” Metallica had put between them and Jason had been traveled in a sprint. Maybe there was hope that Jason could catch up.

As I listened to Metallica talk about Dee Dee and Jason on this strange and tragic day, there were times I felt like Metallica were going to give Jason another chance. They didn’t, of course, and Jason once again became the sacrificial lamb. First his demise pushed Metallica into therapy, and now his continued absence allowed Metallica to finally mourn his predecessor. Given the events of the day, I wasn’t surprised when talk turned to Cliff Burton. In their own way, both Cliff and Jason have been Metallica’s “Dee Dee,” Cliff because he was a founding member who died too young, and Jason because his departure
wound up uniting the band. By talking about Jason and realizing that he had had legitimate grievances when he decided to leave, Metallica could admit to themselves that Jason had never filled the hole left by the death of Cliff Burton. This was the day Phil gave the troops his “Cliff message” (as seen in
Monster
), which basically amounted to “Cherish each other today, because you never know.” I thought this was one of the most sincere and effective talks Phil delivered during his tenure with Metallica.

“I’ll be quite honest,” Bob told the others that day. “I think the heart and soul of Metallica from this point on—and has been for a while, since Cliff died—is the three of you guys. You’re never going to find a permanent bass player.” I think in that moment Metallica feared that what Bob said was true, unless they changed their ways. They had never really accepted Jason as one of them because Jason was replacing the irreplaceable. They had never truly grieved for Cliff because they had never really acknowledged the hole he left, instead projecting onto Jason much of their anger and frustration over their loss. Jason’s presence allowed them to put off dealing with Cliff’s death, and now his absence would finally allow them to turn the page. The death of Dee Dee Ramone allowed Metallica to appreciate Jason and mourn Cliff.

The strange cosmic confluence of Jason and Dee Dee made Metallica face some truths about themselves. After Phil speculated that what Jason might be going through was similar to the complex feelings of loss and regret that accompany a divorce, James agreed, using an analogy that sounded very personally relevant, given some of his recent struggles. “You know, you break up with some chick because [you think] another chick’s better,” he said. “And then you find out she’s not, and you want what you had then, so you go back for a one-night stand for comfort, for your own damn selfish comfort, not thinking about your other girlfriend. And you find out that it’s great for a second, but then it’s not—it’s gone. It’s like falling in love, something that clicks in your brain, but then all the old behaviors come back. If Jason hasn’t worked on those, it’s going to be …”

Kirk completed the thought. “… the same.”

“It’s going to disintegrate what we worked on,” James said. “It’s just going to stir up so much crap.”

“It’s going to erode,” Kirk said.

Phil wasn’t buying it. “I don’t think anything would stir up crap that you guys can’t handle,” he said. “I really believe that. It’s ironic. What Jason ostensibly wanted is what we now have, but his agenda at the time was, ‘I have to stand
up for myself. I have to do what has been boiling inside me for a long time.’ When we started this process, Jason’s agenda was totally different from ours. I’m quite certain that Jason has the potential, like every human being, to be able to embrace something like this.
¹
I’m also quite certain that not everybody is ready to join a process like this…. We’re remarried now. You guys are remarried.”

That was ultimately what Metallica took from that meeting: It was time to get a new bass player, one that would be as much a member of the Metallica family as Cliff had been. Phil wanted to know how they would deal with a new full-time family member: “If you add another person to the mix, how are you going to absorb that person? It’s going to be interesting. Just continue to strengthen everything internally like we’re doing. Just eat up these challenges, these opportunities, just bring them on. I feel the sense of a team getting ready. Bring on Jason, bring on this challenge, this issue. It gives us an opportunity to deepen ourselves, which you guys have really proven recently. There will be times when you’re frightened, but you’re not concerned about whether you’re going to survive as a band. Success will be measured by how willing you are to face each challenge, in your personal lives, and professionally, with each other. I think it’s exciting. If [talking to Jason] exposes some weakness in us, that’s wonderful—thank you, Jason. Bring on Mustaine, bring on Jason,—bring on anything. That’s how we find out who we are.”

“Right on, coach!” James said.

Phil laughed, aware that he sounded like he was giving a halftime pep talk. “Right, team! We’ve got thirty minutes out there. I know we’re down …”

Kirk suddenly spoke up. “You know, the grass is always greener. The grass is
always
greener, and when you fall for that, you’re fucked.”

“How does grass get green?” James mused.

“It grows. You have to water it,” Kirk replied.

“Fertilizer,” James added. Could he have been thinking of Jason? Maybe this was his way of admitting that Metallica had treated Jason like shit at times, but at least it helped them grow.

Lars was growing restless. “Let’s not sit around for three hours talking about what we think is going on in [Jason’s] mind,” he said. “That’s a fucking waste of time.”

Kirk concurred. He seemed to be shaking off some of the numbing shock of the day. “Let’s play some fucking music!”
²

CHAPTER 17

SILENCE NO MORE

Rock bands are, by their nature, volatile.
Tempers flare, egos get stepped on, people pace angrily around Ping-Pong tables in studio rec rooms. Creating art with other people fosters extremely intimate relationships. Especially if your collective has decided, after twenty years, to democratize the process at the precise moment that the state of the relationship is at an all-time low. Lars is dead-on when he says that
Monster
is a movie about relationships, because a working band like Metallica is a rare combination of intense relationships that are both personal and professional. Working with your spouse at the same place of employment can create a certain claustrophobic tension in the relationship. (I consider myself a rare exception; my wife worked with me for eight years, which greatly strengthened our relationship.) Now imagine being married to
three
people and sharing a job with all of them. One reason I think
Monster
bears repeated viewings is that there are so many ways in which this complex nexus of relationships plays itself out. You can see it in little glances, the look on people’s faces, how they address each other—the hundreds of ways our behavior reveals our connection to the people in our lives.