Miriam's Heart (13 page)

“If I choose John, will you close your door to me, Mam?”

“Never.” She grabbed Miriam’s hand, squeezed it and let it go. “And neither will your sisters. But do not join the church and then leave. So long as you are not baptized in our faith, the leaders cannot shun you. You will always be welcome at home.”

“What do you think of Charley?”

“As a man or as your husband?” Mam asked. She went on before Miriam could answer. “He has a good heart. And he’s a hard worker. You will never go hungry if you marry Charley. He’s also generous, with his feelings and material things. You’ll never wear old shoes while he wears new.”

Mam’s words were the closest Miriam had ever heard her speak against Johanna’s husband. But Miriam was sure she was not mistaken. Mam was referring to Wilmer.

“But the problem is, I like them both,” Miriam explained. “How do I know which one is best for me?”

“It would mean two very different ways of life.”

Miriam sighed. “I realize that, Mam. But I can’t decide which one I’d be happier with.” She swallowed, trying to dissolve the constriction in her throat. “How do I know what God wants me to do?”

“It’s not easy. He has given us free will, and with that comes the possibility of choosing wrong and having to live with the consequences.”

“You want me to pick Charley, don’t you?”

Mam chuckled. “I want you to pick the man who will make you the happiest. I want you to marry the man who will help you become the woman God intends you to be.”

“But I don’t know who that is. John hasn’t even asked to court me. I think he wants to—I know he does. But he hasn’t said it in so many words.”

“And Charley did?”

“Yes, but he asked you first. He’s asked everyone. I’d be surprised if he hasn’t asked Uncle Reuben’s permission.” She pushed back hair that had escaped from her kerchief. “How can I know what’s right when everyone is pushing me into Charley’s arms?”

Her mother got to her feet. “I would tell you to pray, but I know you have prayed and will continue to do so. Know that I pray for you, and your sisters do, too. But no one can make this decision but you.”

Miriam nodded thoughtfully. “So maybe I have to make my own rules. Decide my own way.”

“Take your time. And whatever decision you make, I will always love you as much as I love you at this moment.”

“I guess I need to find out John’s intentions, don’t I?” She was speaking as much to herself, as to her mother.

Mam smiled. “That would seem to be a good place to start.” She leaned close and kissed Miriam’s cheek. “I have faith in you, daughter. You have a good head on your shoulders. You’ll figure this out.”

“I hope so,” Miriam said.

Her mind was already racing. What
was
wrong with having two boys court her at once? She didn’t give a rotten apple for what Aunt Martha and the other gossips thought. What she needed to do was find out exactly how John felt about her. And if he wasn’t truly interested in a serious relationship that might lead to marriage, then her question would be answered—at least as far as John was concerned.

As for Charley, he remained an equally big question, but for different reasons. Was he really just a friend, as she had insisted to everyone, including herself? Or was he more?
That
she’d have to think about.

M
iriam waited until her mother and sisters had retired to bed before retreating to Johanna’s old bedroom over the kitchen. The only way to reach this portion of the house was through the kitchen and up the back staircase. Although the rooms were furnished, this area was rarely used since Johanna had married and Leah and Rebecca remained with
Grossmama.
It was the only place in the house that was private enough for the phone call Miriam wanted to make to John.

Deciding to ask him his intentions was frightening. Actually doing it was more so. Her fingers trembled as she waited for him to answer.

“Miriam?”

“
Ya,
John. It is me.” He’d been there earlier in the evening tending to Molly. Obviously, he hadn’t expected her to call. “Am I bothering you?”

“No, of course not. Wait. I’ll walk outside,” he said. Miriam heard footsteps and the creak of a door, then the sound of his boots on the wooden porch. “All right.” John chuckled. “I didn’t want my grandfather listening in. And he would.”

She took a deep breath. Why was this so awkward? Earlier, in the barn, they’d laughed and talked easily. She’d leaned on the stall door as John had brushed Molly’s hide until she shone. “I have a question to ask you,” she said.

“Okay.” He sounded curious, but amused, too.

“Do you like me? But not just
like
…” She caught her lower lip between her teeth. “John, is it more than
like?
” She took a deep breath and just said it. “Do you want to court me?”

There was a moment of silence long enough to make her wish she could shrink down to the size of a mouse and crawl away.

Then he chuckled. “Isn’t this conversation a little backward? I thought
I
was the one who was supposed to ask you about how you felt about
me.”

“This is not easy.” Her knees felt weak, her palms sweaty. She sank down in the center of the braided rug. “I have to know, John. It’s important. And…and if I was wrong to think that you—”

“You aren’t wrong. I think…” It sounded as if he took a deep breath. “Miriam, I think I may be in love with you.”

How sweet those words sounded. But she had to be sure what he meant. “Love is one thing,” she said hesitantly. “Courting and marriage are another. I have to know if you’re serious.”

“I’m serious.” He spoke firmer now. “I would like to court you, Miriam Yoder—walk out with you. Whatever you call it. I like you better than any girl I’ve ever met. Seeing you is the highlight of my day. That said, I have a question for you. Have you thought about how difficult this would be? Our families…”

“It’s
all
I think about. But I want to know you better—to be alone with you, see more of your world. I don’t know if it’s love I feel. I think it is, John, but I want to be sure.”

“So do I.”

She felt warm all over now. Still a little nervous, but a good nervous. “You’re not angry, that I asked you this?”

“Nothing you do or say could make me angry, Miriam.”

“Don’t be so fast to say that.” She hesitated. “Because you should know that Charley has already asked to court me.”

More silence. And when John finally spoke, his voice had lost the easy, teasing tone. She could almost see his shoulders tightening, his lips thinning. “And what did you tell him? Did you say yes?”

She lay back on the rug. “It would be easy if I liked Charley best. My family would like that. My church. They expect me to marry Charley or someone like him. Me, I don’t know what I want. I like Charley, but I don’t know that he makes me feel the way you do,” she dared.

“So?”

She exhaled. “So I need to find out.”

“You want to date both of us?” John sounded out of sorts now, almost cross.

“I think it would be best,” she said. “Maybe I am in love with you…or maybe it is your world I love. And maybe, with Charley…maybe with Charley, I haven’t given him a real chance, because I already know his world. Our world.”

“What we’re talking about is some sort of competition, here. I thought the Amish didn’t go for competition—that it wasn’t Plain.”

A wave of sadness brought tears to sting the back of her eyelids. “You’re angry with me.” She could see him in her mind’s eye, his broad forehead, the curve of his bottom lip. Her heart plunged. What if she’d ruined every thing by being too forward?

“Just surprised. This is a lot to take in.”

“Too much, maybe. It could be that this would never work for either of us. For me to walk in your world…for you to fit in mine.”

“Yes,” he agreed. “I see that.” Emotion made his voice deepen. “But I’ll do whatever I have to. I’ll prove to you that I’d be the best husband for you. I’m not going to give you up without a fight.”

“We do not fight. And I don’t believe it is the Mennonite way, either. And this isn’t a
competition.
It’s important that we both go into this with our eyes open. For me, marriage is forever, John. If I choose you, I will never walk away from you. I will honor and cherish you all the days of my life.”

“Me, too. What other people think doesn’t matter. It’s you and me, what we want. It’s our life.”

“
Ne,
John. Our life includes our families, our church. Most importantly, I must be certain that I choose the path that God intends for me.”

“I respect that. But do you think you could become Mennonite? I can’t see you remaining Amish if we’re together. It would be too difficult for our children.”

“I’ve thought of that,” she assured him. “It’s a real consideration.”

“I don’t attend services as regularly as I should. It’s only fair that you know that being part of the church isn’t as important to me as it is to you.”

“I don’t know if I could leave the Amish faith, but if I change to a more liberal church, it wouldn’t mean forgetting God’s part in my life.”

“I wouldn’t ask you to.”

Her stomach was still queasy, but she was beginning to feel hopeful again. “I told my mother that I care for you. She advised me to be certain. You know she was raised Mennonite and converted for my father.”

“Uncle Albert told me that.”

“So, she knows what it’s like to make such a difficult decision. If we…if we
date,
we will come to know each other better, to see if what you feel…if what
I
feel is the love that makes a marriage.”

“Wow. Heavy stuff.”

She laughed softly. “But this will be Amish dating. Not English.”

“Mennonite?”

“Maybe. We will see. But I cannot shame my family. We must do nothing that will disgrace them—or us. We have to be chaperoned.”

“Chaperoned?” He laughed. “We weren’t chaperoned when we went to Easton.”

“That was different. It wasn’t a
date.
And it was during the day.”

“I don’t really understand the difference. We were still alone.”

She nibbled on her lower lip. “It’s complicated, John. A lot of it has to do with appearances.”

“What have I got myself into?”

She dared a little smile. “That’s what I intend to find out.”

“So, next weekend. Will you go out with me?” he asked. “On a date?”

“Sunday is church. Saturday, I will be free.”

“Saturday it is then. Would you like to go to the beach? The amusement rides are still open on the weekends. Ferris wheel? Carousel? Are you game?”

“
Ya,
John. I will go with you. It sounds like fun. I’ve never been on a Ferris wheel. Can we eat hot dogs and salt water taffy and candy cotton?”

“All the candy cotton you want.” He chuckled. “But one thing I insist on.”

“And that is?”

“Charley Byler cannot go with us to the beach.”

She giggled. “I agree. No Charley.”

It was Thursday morning before Charley made it back to the Yoder farm to finish the back steps on Eli and Ruth’s new house. Miriam waited until Mam and Irwin had gone to school and Susanna, Ruth and Anna were busy with the washing before walking across the field toward the little house. She carried a cup of coffee as an excuse, in case she lost her nerve. “Morning, Charley,” she said, coming around the corner of the house. “I brought you coffee.”

He looked up at her and grinned. “And I was just sitting here thinking how much I’d like to have a second cup. I only had time for one this morning before I left.”

Miriam smiled back. She’d been annoyed with Charley for so long that she’d forgotten how sweet his smile was. She felt a rush of affection and realized that no matter how much she’d denied it, she did care for Charley. But how could she like Charley if she was in love with John? Suddenly, her plan, which had seemed so sensible, seemed to leave her more confused than ever. Did she like either of them enough to marry, or was she so fickle that she’d become infatuated with any good-looking boy who glanced her way? Maybe Aunt Martha was right, and she was
fast.

Charley stood and wiped his broad hands on his canvas apron. He’d been laying bricks and bits of cement clung to his trousers and shirt. “Appreciate this,” he said. “The coffee…and a chance to talk to you alone.”

She looked at the steps. How could she make him understand what she was about to say? “Good job.” She pointed to his masonry. “Solid. I can see Ruth running up and down them.”

“It’s a good house.” He took a sip of the coffee and looked at her.

She felt herself blush. “I didn’t come just to bring you coffee,” she said.

He grinned again, removed his straw hat and wiped his forehead with the back of his hand. “It’s going to be hot today.”

“Don’t you want to know why I came?”

Charley chuckled. “I figured you’d tell me in your own good time.”

She sat down on the grass and picked a cloverleaf. “Were you serious when you asked if you could court me?”

His blue eyes narrowed. “What do you think?”

She met his gaze. “I’ve decided you can, if you want to.”

“What?”

“You can court me—walk out with me.”

“Hmm.” He regarded her thoughtfully. “What convinced you? My fancy way with brick steps or the kiss in the buggy?”

“Charley Byler! How can you bring up such a thing?”

“How can you forget it?”

She felt her cheeks grow as warm as the grass she sat in. “It isn’t proper to talk about such things.” She put her hand on her hip. “So now I suppose you think I’m wild? So you won’t want to court me anymore?” She was teasing him, of course. Giving him a taste of his own medicine.

He reached forward to catch her hand, but she was too quick for him. She twisted away, but before she could scoot back, he caught hold of one bare foot. “
Ya,
Miriam. I do. I want you more than anything; I want you to be my wife.”

“Let go of me, Charley Byler! My foot’s dirty.” She struggled to break free. “
Ne, ne,
just stay and talk to me.”

“Let me go first.” He did as she asked and she scrambled to her feet and backed away. “Are you crazy?”

“I’d never do anything to hurt you. You know that. You know how I feel about you.”

“Then keep your hands off me.” Now she planted both hands on her hips. “What’s come over you?”

“You have, Miriam. You make me crazy…thinking about you all the time…wondering if I have a chance with you.”

“If I agree to walk out with you, there’s something you should know.”

“I get another kiss?”

It was all she could do to not laugh. Where did he get the nerve? “You
do not,
” she said, with more feeling than she felt. “That was a mistake.”

He sighed dramatically. “I can hold your hand?”

She shook her head. “And not my foot, either.” She took a step toward him, looked up, then down at the ground. “There is something else, though. About John.”

His brow furrowed. “What about John?”

“I might be in love with him.”

“You might love John, yet you want me to court you?” He looked at her as if she were the one acting crazy.

She nodded. “It’s the only way. I want to walk out with you both. And then I can choose. Once I know which one is right for me.”

Hurt flashed in his eyes and he turned back to his work. Without another word, he picked up the trowel, scooped up cement and tapped it onto the top of a brick.

“You don’t have to, if you don’t want to,” she said, drawing closer.

“You want to court both of us?”

“Mam knows.”

“It will cause talk.”

“Some people always gossip.”

“They will say you are wild and I am a fool.” He slammed the brick into place.

“No one who knows you will say you’re a fool, Charley. And we will be properly chaperoned.”

“Just you and me, or you and the Mennonite?”

“Both. I don’t want to cause a scandal. I just want to be certain.”

“And if I refuse to be a part of this nonsense?”

“I will be sorry, but I’ll still walk out with John.”

“And he’s agreed to this?”

“John?
Ya.
He has.”

“Then he is a fool.”

“Charley! What a thing to say.”

“What a thing to do.” He looked back at her. “You are not like every other Amish girl.”

“Maybe not,” she said. Then she dared a little smile. “But that’s what you like about me.”