Miss Impractical Pants (36 page)

“Ms. Brooks the health teacher?” He gave her a goofy smile. “You know, one of the things I adore about you is your peculiar logic.” He sailed over the compliment as if sharing his feelings were no big deal.

She was pretty sure that no one had ever complimented her logic before.

“I’m emotionally scarred from that class. You don’t know the lasting effects that learning about the birds and bees from a macho lesbian gym teacher can have on a preteen.”

“Right then, I’ll just have to be patient and offer you lots of therapy. Take all the time you need, I’m in no rush…except Uncle
Avery told me that my parents caught an earlier flight and should be here shortly. We’ll need to find less conspicuous sleeping arrangements in a hurry if you want to keep things…er…platonic.”

Katie felt her eyes nearly pop out of her head. Panic sent her into warp speed. Before Lucas could finish his shower, she had thrown her hair into a loose over-the-shoulder braid, finished packing her bag, and was basically ready to depart, barring one small conundrum: She had no bra and no baggy top to conceal her less-than-perfectly-shaped C cups.

“Bloody hell, Katie, it’s nearly ninety degrees. Would you take off that ridiculous sweater?” Lucas asked for what seemed like the twentieth time. At first he seemed amused by her outfit, but now that they’d been wandering the stone streets for what seemed like forever, looking in vain for a shop where they could each purchase their required undergarments, Katie could tell he was annoyed. Well, so was she.

“I’m fine,” she muttered, “Some of us don’t do commando as well as others.” She was definitely having a bit of penis envy—not in the disturbingly creepy Freudian sense—over how easy it was for Lucas to forgo his damp boxers and slip into his jeans. Right now, she’d give anything to have a tuck-away-able member instead of having to play boob-wrangler all morning.

They had spent the previous hour searching along the coast for accommodations with enough luxury to satisfy Lottie—another vain attempt. It seemed this rudimentary village relied on its minimalism to draw out a visitor’s appetite for passion. Eventually, Katie and Lucas gave up the quest and returned to their original lodgings, booking two extra rooms, one for Lucas and one for his parents.

“Lucas, we’re on a futile mission,” Katie declared, wiping a bead of sweat from her brow and
billowing
the alpaca sweater she had bought from an old woman in the Andes. The bursts of air felt refreshing against the perspiration soaked T-shirt she wore underneath. “This village was obviously built around romance. Why would we be successful in finding underwear in a place where the sole purpose is to get people to remove it?”

Lucas chuckled. “You’re
right,
this town is probably too small. We’ll have to go into Dubrovnik.” He glanced at his watch. “I wonder when Mum and Dad will arrive.”

As if on cue, his phone rang. He fished it out of his hip pocket and checked the number. “Let the scolding begin.” He put the phone to his ear. “Hello Mum.”

“Hello darling,” Lottie trilled loudly enough for Katie to overhear. “How’s our Katie?”

“She’s fine. Listen, Mum, how long ’til we’ll be seeing you?”

“Oh, not long,
Chicken
. I forgot to ring you when we left the airport—ooh, look Charles, isn’t that a lovely landscape? Once we get settled, I’d like to come back and sketch it for my collection.”

“Darling, what collection?”
Lucas could hear his father’s voice in the background. “You don’t sketch.”

“What’s that got to do with the price of cucumbers in Madagascar?” Lottie snapped.

While his parents finished their exchange about sketching and cucumbers in Madagascar—and what in the hell did that mean anyway?—Lucas grabbed Katie’s hand and led her briskly back toward the hotel.

“So, Mum,” Lucas interrupted, “you’ll be here soon then?”

“Chicken, that’s what I rang to tell you—we’re not ten minutes from the address you gave me last night. You’re still there, aren’t you?”

“We’re not far…we’ve just been for a walk. Katie needed some fresh air. We’ll meet you back at the hotel.” He quickened their pace.

Just as Katie was running out of breath and ready to die of heatstroke, Lucas came to a screeching halt, causing her to slam into his back. He dove through the door of a shop that carried a hodgepodge of touristy items. Among them was a scant collection of swimwear.

“Here,” he said turning her by the shoulders toward the rack of bathing suits. “Pick something quickly.” He already had a pair of black board shorts in hand.

“But I don’t need a swimsuit.”

“No, but Mum and Dad are probably already at the hotel, and since you insist you need a bra…” He held out a strappy bikini top. “Unless you want to meet them wearing that ridiculous sweater and raise the suspicions of my mum, I suggest you put on one of these.” He thrust the top at her and walked toward the makeshift changing room.

Katie glared at him—well, at the back of him—and almost put the bikini top back. Then she thought about meeting Lucas’s father with her breasts in a state of freefall, and reconsidered.

Having something for support, even if it was a tiny something, did wonders for Katie’s attitude. For added good cheer, she undid her braid and let her hair tumble over her shoulders. She breathed her first easy breath all morning. She was triple-covered—bikini, T-shirt, and hair—not even Lottie could find anything amiss.

They arrived at the hotel just as Charles was pulling the last of the luggage from the cab.

“Dad, let me help you with those,” Lucas insisted.

“All right,” Charles agreed, but not before grabbing his son into a heartwarming
embrace
.

Katie felt a knot tighten in her stomach. It had been a few years since she’d seen her parents, and she wondered if they would greet her with such affection.

“It’s good to see you, my boy,” he rumbled with fatherly pride. “And this must be our Katie!” He rushed over and gave her an embrace that was no less affectionate. “Welcome to the family! I’m Charles Hayden.”

Katie assessed him. Despite his sleek salt-and-pepper hair, he bore a strong resemblance to his son: same chiseled features, same artless countenance. A few inches shorter and a little leaner than Lucas, Charles carried the distinguished grace and ease of having embraced the passing of middle age. When he welcomed her to the family, Katie had no doubt he truly meant it. She felt a tear slide down her cheek, and quickly wiped it away.

“Oh, for the love of Rod Stewart’s mental hairdresser,” Lottie belted in exasperation as she came bustling out of the hotel. “You boys get inside and put things right. They haven’t got enough rooms.”

“What do you mean, Mum?” asked Lucas.

“Apparently one of us is an idiot and it certainly isn’t me,” Lottie snapped. “I mean exactly what I said: They.
Haven’t.
Got.
Enough.
Rooms.”
Turning on the heels of her strappy espadrilles, she marched back through the door.

Lucas picked up the remaining suitcases and exchanged shrugs with his father, and they all followed Lottie to the hotel reception area, trailing her mutterings: “…primitive hotel doesn’t even have a decent lobby…think I’m going to camp out like bloody Swiss F
amily Robinson…got another think
coming.”

“Or even Robinson Crusoe, Mum,” Lucas corrected.

“Excuse me?” she halted, lips pursed and eyes fluttering at a thousand bats per second.

“Robinson Crusoe.
The Swiss Family Robinson lived in a tree. Plus, they’re a loose adaptation of the Robinson Crusoe story, so, in essence, we expect you to camp out like bloody Robinson Crusoe.” He and his father both chuckled.

She rounded on them and smiled with the perfect sweetness of a proper British lady. “Piss off and die, the both of you! Not you, Katie, love—you’re lovely.”

The next instant, Katie was barraged by hugs and anxious inquiries about her health from Sidney, Geoffrey, and Mrs. Albright—as well as a stealthy boob grope from Andrew—before she even crossed the threshold into the lobby.
So that’s why there weren’t enough rooms,
Katie thought.

A shifty young man in his mid-twenties was at the reception desk poring over his newspaper, trying to ignore the family commotion going on in front of him.

“Excuse me.” Lucas interrupted the clerk’s concentration. “Do you have any more rooms available?”

The man’s olive skin grew a shade darker with annoyance. Without bothering to look up from his paper, he answered, “No sir, we are full.” His thick accent carried a marked difference from that of the local villagers.

“Well then,” Lucas said, turning back to his family, “we have three rooms and there are…” He made a quick head count. “…Eight of us. We’ll just have to make do. Sidney, Andrew, and I can share a room.”

Andrew communicated his disapproval with a half snort. “I’ll be buggered before I share a room with the two of you.” He pulled out a hundred pound note and approached the desk. “Would you mind checking once more for a room?” he crooned smoothly, sliding the bill across the counter.

The clerk looked up enough to register the bill and Andrew with disdain. “No sir, we are full.”

Andrew quickly repaired his disgruntled face and returned to the group. “That’s fine,” he spoke coolly. “I will be more than happy to share a room with the Duchess, then.” He draped a predatory arm around Katie’s neck.

The clerk’s shady eyes shot up with interest at Andrew’s announcement. Untangling herself from Andrew’s boa constrictor arm, Katie approached the desk.

“Excuse me…” She quickly registered the name on his tag. “Mensur, would you happen to know who else might have rooms available?”

His eyes interrogated every inch of her in a way that made her pine for her alpaca sweater. “It’s the weekend—
all the
village is full.”

“I see. Thank you anyway, Mensur.” Folding her arms protectively over her chest, she turned from one horndog to another, warily scrutinizing her new roommate, Andrew.

“Lady!
Hey lady!”
Mensur called before she could walk away. Nonchalantly, he flipped through his rooming list. “Okay, I will give to you room.”

Katie caught his black eyes in hers; something she found there made her shudder. “Thank you Mensur, thank you very much.”

“See her pull a room out of her arse?” Lottie scoffed. “Now that Miss Magician has got us sorted, let’s get settled in. Lucas and Andrew, you two take a room. Penny and Katie, Geoffrey and Sidney, you take the others.”

Almost at once, there was a ripple of complaints.

“What the bloody hell does it matter who rooms with who?” Lottie nearly shouted.

“Well,” Mrs. Albright spoke timidly, “Geoffrey and I were hoping to have a room together.” Her face turned pink before she had finished her sentence.

“Criminy, Penny! Are you two shagging?” Lottie belted.

“Lottie!” “Mum!” Lucas and Charles reprimanded in unison.

Sidney inched closer to Katie and nudged her covertly with his elbow. There was a mischievous glint in his eyes that poorly masked his desire to burst out laughing. She tried to keep a stoic expression, but she couldn’t keep the corners of her mouth from twitching. She pretended to scowl.
“Shhh.
You’re going to get us in trouble.”