Miss Independent (2 page)

              “And your former best friend.”

              “Now, you watch it.” She pointed with the end of her chopstick. “Be a better one and don’t remind me of that.”

              Nikki’s shoulders sank. She more than anyone knew the kind of pain this had caused Vanessa from the moment she learned of it after graduation. But even
she
began to have her limits on hearing about it again.

“It’s been five years, V,” she said solemnly. “Don’t you think it’s time to kind of let it go?”

Vanessa ran her fingers through her thick hair in frustration, a habit she picked up from her mother, Alexis. “Nik,” she began.

“Just hear me out. It’s been five years. Every time you hear about them from your mom or someone else, it makes you miserable and uncomfortable. We bitch and moan about what horrible people they are and then you finally conclude that talking about them isn’t worth your time. And then we all get drunk on cheap box wine and Maurice starts asking which one of us is going to wash his back in the shower, before trying to climb into bed with one of us with all of his clothes off. I feel like you do this to yourself all the time. You get so emotionally worked up that you can barely function like a normal human being. These people control more of your life than they should.”

              “Don’t you think I know that, Nicole?” She tossed her chopsticks into her box. “Don’t you think I’ve tried getting over it and letting go? Or have I just always given off the kind of vibe that I love nothing more than stewing and being absolutely miserable over useless bullshit that makes me physically ill? I’ve had boyfriends since then, you know that. I’ve had legitimate relationships in which I was certain I was going to give up my career and go back to what I had always dreamed of being, a wife and mother. I wanted nothing more or less in life, and then I would meet a guy, so convinced I was just going to be forced into forgetting the past. And then he would do something enormously stupid and insulting or flat out humiliating, like calling me by his ex-girlfriend’s name in bed or forgetting to tell me he had a wife and kid at home. And it always brought me back to Nathan. I’ve done everything to try and move past this, to get over what happened to me in high school. Guess what? I’m still not over it.”

              Vanessa got up from her chair and moved across the room. She reached for a pile of old issues of the magazine that were sitting atop a coffee table and began rummaging through them.

“I hate these walls,” she said. “Most have ears, mine has eyes, ears, noses and handprints from toddlers smeared across them. I always have to look like I’m doing something so that it doesn’t appear as if I’m pissed off or gossiping.”

              “The ‘walls’ were your idea, right?”

              Vanessa looked to the ceiling and rolled her eyes. “How did you manage to see the invitation?”

              “I went home after class, got the mail, and there it was. Maurice got one too.”

              She turned back and arched her brows. “Really?”

              Nikki nodded. “I guess they didn’t want to leave him out.”

              “Or,” she began, “they just wanted to rub our faces in the fact that we all still live together and
they’re
getting married.”

              Nikki snickered. “I don’t think so.”

              She whirled around on the heels of her red Mary Jane’s. “I do. Why not just address it to one of us? She sent it to all of us individually like we wouldn’t tell the other and collectively decide
not
to go to that complete circus. The fact that she sent my invite to the office instead of at home tells me that guttersnipe has yet to change for the better. She wanted me to see it first thing and knew it’d ruin the rest of my day. She didn’t have yours sent via courier to the coffee shop or to Maurice’s ad agency.” She stopped and rattled her head. “If that ‘woman’ thinks I’m traveling over 5,000 miles to see her marry Nathan, she’s even crazier than I ever thought she was to begin with. And him? Where’s the backbone?! How could he just sit there and approve of that shit? Does he not have a voice when he’s with her? Can he not speak up like a man? God knows it’s not like he had a problem doing that when WE were together. And you know, he often made the most noise while we were having sex?”

Nikki cowered down, covering her face. “Yeah, yeah. You’ve told me --” She shuddered, remembering.

“What he liked and preferred and what he didn’t like? I was the only person he’d been with and there was no way in hell he knew what he liked and didn’t like if not for screwing someone else at the same time. And I should’ve known that if he was screwing anyone, he was screwing that bitch. Especially when he constantly insisted on me sucking his dick a certain way as if I didn’t know what the hell I was doing.”

“You didn’t.”

“HE didn’t know that. The point is, I should’ve known then. I should’ve known. All the times she bragged about getting ‘good and laid’ in high school by half of the football and basketball teams, and I had no idea it was Nathan forming the foundation. It’s only by the grace of God that I never contracted an STD during that time, you know that.”

“V--”

“I mean, what in the FUCK, possessed him to go there? Was I not a catch? Was I not worthy?”

“You’re forever acting like this was yesterday and not five years ago.”

“Because I’m still ANGRY, Nikki! I’m still angry! He never gave me a reason, he just went off with her as if it was always supposed to be that way. As if he had planned this entire life with her from the very beginning and I was just someone he decided to do until the timing was right for THEM. He made a fool of me and a mockery of our entire relationship and what WE were supposed to mean to each other. He made me believe in him complete with ‘forever hold your peace’ and then he shattered it, leaving ME to pick up what was left behind of my own heart. And he never even said ‘I’m sorry’, not for a single thing he did, for what he made me believe, nothing. He just kept moving along through life while I remained dumbfounded still wondering what the hell had just happened to mine. I’ve got no closure – I’ve NEVER had closure from this. After all these years of listening to me, it astounds me that you never realized that.” She paused. “I just did what I always do, I moved on and acted as if my life was too great to continue giving a shit. People bought it and so I kept up the charade, chucking deuces everywhere I went when I was constantly asked about them and THEIR life together, practically donning a No Fucks To Give t-shirt on the daily when I was running basic errands to the grocery store or SoHo. So yeah, I’m still pissed and I’ll remain pissed until he can at least get off her pussy long enough to pick up a phone, dial my number and fucking apologize for screwing me out of a life that should’ve been mine.”

Nikki’s heart sank for her friend. She puckered her brows and looked to the floor. “Do you still want that life with him, V? Even after everything he’s done?”

She exhaled deeply and placed a hand on her chest in an effort to gather her thoughts. “It would’ve been nice to have had the option then. But now… now, he broke whatever trust I ever had in him. I miss what could’ve been and that’s what I’m most angry about. Sometimes I blame myself, most times I blame him.”

Nikki gulped. “I guess I didn’t know it still affected you as deeply as this. I mean, I knew, but… I didn’t.”

“Yeah, well…” Vanessa tucked her hair behind her ears and shook her head as a variation of memories from over the years came flooding back to her all at once. “My therapist says I hide it well, even though it’s unhealthy.”

              “It’s healthier to let it out.” Nikki nervously looked around the room.  “But, probably not like this.”

              Vanessa looked throughout her office as her employees and even passersby were staring in both shock and fear.

Her assistant got up from her desk and peeked her head inside. “Do you want me to tell them that you suffered an aneurysm and you need a minute?”

              “There’s a bottle of vodka in my mother’s office. Why don’t you get it and just set this place on fire with me in it.”

              Samantha looked over at Nikki, who gradually shook her head no. She backed out of the room and tried to move those pointing and staring away from Vanessa’s direction and door.

              Vanessa spun around and nibbled her lip. She leaned back and frowned. “I don’t recall making the ‘no day drinking’ thing official.”

“It became official right after
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smeared your name all over their cover, remember? We went out to celebrate you getting the job and you got so plastered, you passed out in the middle of the Biltmore hotel. I’d never seen your mom so pissed, I thought she was going to kill me.”

“And yet look at you! Still alive to tell the tale. Nikki, my mom is in Paris. My ex-boyfriend is getting married. My ex-
best
friend is trying to rub my face in it, and my current best friend is giving me a look that only works if you’re a dog in need of a home. I don’t care about
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. I care about clouding my mind so that I don’t have to keep thinking about what could’ve been.”

              Nikki stood up and walked over to her. “I just don’t think this is a very good idea, V. You’ve hardly eaten lunch and your breakfast was a cinnamon roll.”

              “My breakfast was that invitation. And now I need lunch to properly digest it. Preferably with vodka and Worcestershire sauce.” She went behind her desk and grabbed her coat and purse, slipping the strap on her shoulder. “Besides, these people need at least a day to forget the words, ‘dick’ and ‘pussy’, came out of my mouth before 2pm.”

Part Two

After helplessly watching her friend down what seemed to be an unending amount of Bloody Mary’s at the Auden Bistro & Bar located within The Ritz-Carlton, Nikki wrapped one arm around Vanessa’s and escorted her out onto the sidewalk. She wanted to flee the scene as soon as possible in case someone had decided to call the paparazzi seeking to earn a quick buck.

              As they strolled past various citizens on skateboards and rollerblades, Vanessa suddenly began laughing almost uncontrollably for what appeared to be no reason at all. Those same people began staring with wide eyes and confused looks, as did Nikki. They hadn’t said a single word to one another since leaving the bar.

              “V--” she started, her face reddening from extreme embarrassment.

She grabbed her stomach and doubled over, which forced Nikki into a slight panic. “They are going to be so damn miserable together,” she hollered, laughing until tears spewed from her eyes. She wiped them away with the back of her hand and sniffed. “They’d be better off continuing to live in sin rather than try and make it legal. Once it’s legal, anyone who knows anything knows it all goes to shit.” She stood up straight, still laughing. “Ooh, ooh! Maybe they SHOULD get married, so that when it DOES go to shit, I can point and laugh. Or send them an invitation to my ‘I Don’t Give A Shit’ party!”

              “Throwing a party in honor of not giving a shit defeats the purpose of not actually giving a shit.” She tried holding Vanessa close to her so that she wouldn’t fall over. More people began staring. Nikki became paranoid that nearly everyone who looked in their direction was a paparazzi of some kind.

              “You are squeezing the circulation out of my arm!”

              “Sorry. Hey, V, maybe we should get you some coffee before going back to the office.”

              “Oh screw that place, to hell with it.” Vanessa snatched her arm from Nikki’s and straightened her dress, while doing her best impression of someone slightly intoxicated attempting to appear straight and sober. She cleared her throat and started walking on her own, slightly wobbling. “I’m not going back up there and facing those people after I made a complete ass of myself. I’m sure someone’s called
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by now to tell them that the daughter of Alexis Brown just lost it in front of her employees and then skipped out to go to the bar. God knows I said it loud enough.” She stopped walking and dropped her face in her hands, rattling her head. “I can’t believe I said all of that up there. I didn’t mean any of it. Well, that’s not true, I meant all of it. Especially the day drinking and the part about him not saying ‘I’m sorry’. God forbid he apologize for screwing me over by screwing my best friend. And I loved her like a sister. A fucking sister, Nikki.”

              “I know,” she responded. “I know, I was there, remember?”

              “The whole time she was screwing him. The whole time. Why didn’t the gossip rags ever run
that
?” She pat her chest and shut her eyes to keep from crying. “My mother warned me against her, she said that girl was no good for me. She said she was a fame whore, money hungry…”

              “She also said
I
had no ambition,” Nikki mumbled.

              “That was high school, not now. And she was wrong about that, anyway. You’re finding yourself, that’s all, and there’s nothing wrong with it. You’re not out there screwing my boyfriend or anyone else’s.”

              Nikki became pensive and waited a moment. “What if I were?”

              Vanessa turned, staring at her in confusion, and glowered. “What the fuck are you talking about, Nicole?”