Missing (48 page)

Watching the door close behind them, he took a deep, unsteady breath. Was he right to let this happen? Even if Jacqueline didn’t attempt to hurt Kelsey physically, there was no knowing what she might inflict emotionally, and God knew she’d already done enough damage on that front.

In the end, not liking himself much for it, he moved silently down the hall to stand outside the door. If things started to get out of hand he wanted to know in time to stop it, not only for Kelsey’s sake, but for Jacqueline’s too. No matter what armour his wife used to protect herself, he knew Kelsey had the ability to get through at times and when she did, she could provoke a reaction in Jacqueline that even he would have trouble controlling.

Kelsey was curling into a corner of one of the large, rust-coloured sofas that flanked the hearth, looking anywhere but at her mother. As Jacqueline sat on the other sofa, she was aware of the anxiety churning her heart, but only as a faraway sensation, a discomfort once removed, like the echo of a scream, or the residue of pain. Her mind was a jumble of disjointed thoughts: memories that rose up from the past, visions that stole in from the future. She might be a hundred miles away, or several years – or in this room, watching herself from the corners. She tried to imagine what was happening inside Kelsey, whether she felt resentful or afraid, curious, or perhaps even relieved to know her mother was safe. It was probably a combination of all
those
things, but on a deeper, more critical level, Jacqueline wondered if Kelsey was as driven by hope as her mother had once been. Had she allowed herself to believe that one day things would come good between them? Did she ever think about how it would be if her brother had never been born, or stolen, or perhaps returned? In her way she must hate Sam, Jacqueline realised, but maybe she longed for him too.

Looking at her now, all silky blonde hair and teenage attitude, no outsider would ever guess how deeply her insecurities were rooted, gnawing at her self-worth, eroding her confidence. She had a beautiful face and a composure that exuded as much nonchalance as arrogance – and a considerable amount of anxiety, did she but know it. Nevertheless, Jacqueline felt certain that whatever mistakes she’d made with Kelsey – and she knew they far outweighed any good she might have done – Kelsey had it in her to survive. She’d been blessed with enough courage and inner strength to overcome the demons planted by her mother, but most of all she had the right father to smooth the way, as he always had throughout her young life. Were it not for Miles … But there was no point going there. It was too late to undo her neglect as a mother, or her failure as a wife, or her obsession with Sam. She needed to focus on the present now, and how she was going to try and feel, even transmit, some affection and concern for her daughter.

‘Why are you looking at me like that?’ Kelsey suddenly demanded, using belligerence to disguise her unease.

Jacqueline bunched her hands and glanced briefly down at them. ‘I’m not sure how I’m looking,’ she replied.

Kelsey’s eyes flickered with surprise. She was used to her mother responding in like tone, not sounding all … Well, she wasn’t sure how she was sounding. Her jaw tightened as she tried again. ‘So where have you been all this time?’ she said rudely. ‘I suppose you know people actually thought Dad had offed you?’

Used to Kelsey’s bluntness, as well as her hostility, Jacqueline only said, ‘It’s why I called the police to let them know I was all right.’

Kelsey’s expression became more pinched. ‘So why didn’t you call us?’ she wanted to know.

‘Because I needed some time alone – apart from you and Dad.’

‘Yeah, well, you didn’t have to go off without saying anything, did you? And you could have answered my messages. Not that I care,’ she quickly added. ‘It makes no difference to me.’

‘I didn’t get your messages,’ Jacqueline told her. ‘I threw my old mobile away the day I left. I knew you’d try calling me and … I’m sorry, I should have been more considerate.’

Kelsey’s eyes widened. Something was really different here, and it was making her nervous. ‘Well, that would be a first,’ she snapped. ‘And, by the way, if you think Dad’s going to take you back, then you’ve got some serious making up to do, because you know
she’s
around again, don’t you?’

Understanding the challenge, while surprised by the intimation that Kelsey might want her back, Jacqueline said, ‘You mean Vivienne? Yes, I know Dad’s seeing her again.’

Kelsey stared at her with shocked, then big, angry eyes. ‘You
never
use her name,’ she cried accusingly. ‘Or not like that, anyway.’

‘No,’ Jacqueline agreed, ‘but things have changed.’

Kelsey drew back. ‘How?’ she demanded, suspiciously.

Jacqueline took a breath, and envisaging the candles on the altar at St Anne’s with the eyes of icons gazing down at her, she said, ‘Well, that would be a little hard to explain in a simple sense … It’s more esoteric …’

‘Oh puhleeze …’

‘All right. Let’s just say that I don’t feel the same way about Vivienne as I used to, and there’s no reason for you to either.’

Kelsey was beginning to flounder badly in this unfamiliar world. This woman wasn’t her mother – she might look the same, and it was definitely her voice, but the things she was saying were weird and nothing like the way she used to be. ‘You’ve never even been able to think about her without going ballistic!’ Her voice shook with anguish. ‘I’ve even heard you threaten to kill her if she goes anywhere near Dad.’

Jacqueline nodded and glanced down at her hands. ‘That’s because I was afraid,’ she explained steadily. ‘We all say and do things we don’t mean when we feel threatened or out of control.’

More unnerved than ever, Kelsey got to her feet and went to stand in front of the hearth. ‘You’re starting to freak me out,’ she told her angrily. ‘Normally we’re rowing by now, or not speaking or … This is so not you.’

Saddened by Kelsey’s need for the fierce and rancorous showdowns she was used to, Jacqueline held onto her resolve to remain calm as she said, ‘I’m just trying to get rid of all the negative feelings I’ve planted in you.’

Kelsey’s mouth opened, then her hands shot up. ‘OK. That is it!’ she cried. ‘You don’t say things like that. You don’t care what’s going on with me, so
what is wrong with you
?’

Jacqueline took a breath that was shaky and thin, while focusing on the light that flowed from the image of candles. ‘I know I’ve been a dreadful mother,’ she said evenly, ‘that I haven’t been there for you the way Dad has. I’ve never told you how special, or beautiful you are …’

Kelsey started to turn away, then suddenly spun back, her eyes bright with fury. ‘You’ve got to start acting normal or I’m going to call Dad in to sort you out,’ she warned.

‘It is normal for a mother to praise her daughter.’

‘But you’re not like other mothers. You’re all wrapped up in yourself and Sam … I’ve never mattered to you, so you can’t start behaving as though I do now.’

‘Actually, you’ve always mattered,’ Jacqueline told her, ‘I was just too afraid to show it.’

‘And what, suddenly you’re not and that’s supposed to make it all right?’

‘No, I probably still am, but I want to try to make you understand why I’ve been the way I have.’

Kelsey stared at her with helpless incomprehension.

Lowering her eyes, Jacqueline gazed down at her hands again as they tightened around one another. ‘It’s too late now for me to be the mother you deserve,’ she said quietly. ‘What I’ve done … The terrible confusion and doubts I’ve sown inside you … It can be healed, I hope, but it’s going to take a lot of patience and understanding on the part of those who love you. Your father’s always been there for you, you know that.
He’ll
never let you down the way I have. I believe Vivienne will be a good friend to you too.’

Kelsey’s eyes flashed. ‘I am
so
not interested in that woman.’

‘That’s me talking, not you,’ Jacqueline told her. ‘You don’t hate her, you hardly even know her. You’re simply afraid of the changes she’s going to make in your life, but you don’t need to be.’

Kelsey gaped at her, too bewildered to respond.

‘I’m trying to free you from my prejudices,’ Jacqueline explained, ‘because they were wrong. I’ve—’

‘No. I’m not listening to any more,’ Kelsey cut in, clapping her hands over her ears, ‘it’s all too weird.’

Jacqueline waited for her to put her hands down again.

‘See!’ Kelsey cried in frustration. ‘Normally you’d shout at me for saying something like that, or send me to my room, or tell me I can’t come home next weekend, so stop acting weird. It’s doing my head in.’

Jacqueline swallowed and touched a finger to a small twitch at the corner of her eye. ‘What matters,’ she said, ‘is that you understand how much you are loved and wanted. I know you don’t doubt that where Dad’s concerned …’

Abruptly switching attack, Kelsey said, ‘He’s got a son now, I hope you know that.’

‘Yes, I do. Rufus.’

Kelsey stared at her. Then, in a tone clearly meant to offend, ‘That is such a stupid name.’

Jacqueline said, ‘He’s an adorable little boy, and I think you’re going to become very fond of him.’

Kelsey’s jaw dropped. ‘Are you telling me you’ve met him?’ she said incredulously.

‘I went to Vivienne’s this morning.’

‘Oh my God.’ Kelsey’s hands went up as though she couldn’t take any more. ‘You have to stop now, because it’s so not funny …’

‘No, it’s not funny. It’s real, and it’s hard, I understand that.’

Kelsey regarded her warily.

Jacqueline looked back, waiting for the storm to settle inside her.

‘So, is she still in one piece?’ Kelsey snapped. ‘I mean …’

‘Yes of course she is.’

‘Does Dad know you went?’

‘I imagine he does by now.’

Kelsey swallowed as she tried desperately to make some sense of this. She looked at the window, the door, all around the room, taking a breath now and then, but no words came out.

Wishing she knew how to help her, Jacqueline sat quietly, wondering if Miles was listening outside and feeling certain he was.

‘Why did you go?’ Kelsey suddenly demanded.

‘To Vivienne’s? I needed to talk to her, to find out what she’s like. I wanted to meet Rufus too.’

Though still profoundly confused, Kelsey was starting to feel a tentative fascination now. ‘So what happened?’ she asked, genuinely wanting to know.

‘I think, at least I hope,’ Jacqueline said, ‘I’ve managed to put her mind at rest.’

‘About what?’

‘Me, and the fact that I’m not going to go on trying to come between her and Dad.’

Kelsey stared at her, misery darkening her eyes as she struggled to understand.

‘It’s time for me to let go,’ Jacqueline told her gently.
‘Not
only of Dad, but of a lot of things. During these last few weeks I’ve come to realise how far down the wrong path I’ve gone, how I’ve allowed my … issues … to cause all sorts of problems for our family, when they should only ever have been mine. Now I can see the way forward and I’m going to take it.’

Kelsey was hardly breathing, but a new suspicion was dawning in her eyes. ‘You’re going back to the States,’ she said. Then, before Jacqueline could answer, ‘Well, I suppose I should be grateful you’re telling me this time.’

‘I’m not going to the States,’ Jacqueline said quietly.

Kelsey blinked, seemed to think about it for a moment, then abruptly shutting it down she summoned as much nastiness as she could muster as she said, ‘Actually, I really don’t want to know what you’re going to do. It’s of no interest to me because
you are not my mother
.’

As the words resounded around the room, Miles could only wonder if they had hurt Jacqueline as much as intended. He pictured her face, impassive and lined, her eyes probably watching Kelsey from a place no one could reach. He wanted to go in there and shake her, make her see that in spite of what she was saying she still wasn’t connecting with her daughter. But he knew he had to give her more time, because it was going to take many more hours, days, weeks, even years, to win Kelsey over when the rift between them was so wide. However, at least this was a start.

Hearing his mobile ringing in the kitchen, he moved quickly back down the hall to go and pick it up.

‘Miles, it’s Alice. I’m still at Vivienne’s and the police are downstairs wanting to know where Jacqueline is. What shall I tell them?’

‘Oh hell,’ he groaned, glancing back down the hall. He was thinking fast, and coming to a snap decision, he said, ‘I don’t think it’s a good idea for them to turn up here now, so let me speak to them.’

A few minutes later, after explaining that Jacqueline was trying to communicate with her daughter in a way she never had before, and assuring the police he’d bring her to them in Richmond sometime later in the day, Miles rang off and returned to the sitting-room door. The role of eavesdropper was still sitting ill with him, but he had little choice when he was afraid of what Jacqueline might do or say.

Though it was difficult to make out everything that was being said, he was relieved to hear Kelsey sounding less angry now, while Jacqueline apparently remained as measured, and detached as before. Then he tensed as he heard her say, ‘Dad will marry Vivienne as soon as he’s able …’

Kelsey turned her head sharply away.

‘I know you’re afraid they’ll push you out,’ Jacqueline went on gently, ‘but Dad loves you too much to let that happen. And it’ll be good for you to be part of a family that’s normal and uncomplicated – if families can ever be that.’

‘But
we’re
a family, you me and Dad,’ Kelsey protested.

‘And look what bad shape we’re in. It’s my fault, of course …’

‘Not necessarily. It’s Sam’s. Or the people who took him. And you can get help.’

Seeming surprised by the answer, Jacqueline gazed searchingly into her eyes as though seeing, or understanding something she hadn’t realised before.

Kelsey looked back, waiting for her mother to
respond,
to reveal something of what was happening in her mind, but as the seconds ticked by Jacqueline still said nothing. In the end, Kelsey dared to say, ‘I wish you’d tell me about him. I mean, I know he was just a baby when he went, but it’s like I’ve got this brother that I’ve never known and no one ever really talks about, except he’s there all the time.’