Missing (61 page)

Sensing a newcomer, Henrietta lifted her head and eyed Vivienne beadily, before returning to the cosy pillow of Kelsey’s lap.

Vivienne took the letter from her pocket and held it out. ‘This arrived yesterday, at my house,’ she said. ‘It’s for you, from your mum.’

Kelsey stiffened, and glanced sharply at the letter.

‘She obviously intended it to get to you before now,’ Vivienne continued, ‘but I’m afraid the post let her down.’

Kelsey’s eyes remained on the letter, but she made no move to take it.

‘Would you like me to leave it here?’ Vivienne suggested, putting it on the blanket between them.

Kelsey’s nostrils flared as her lips turned pale. ‘Do what you want,’ she said shortly.

Vivienne left it where it was and gazed out across the lake.

Minutes ticked by.

‘Why did she send it to you, and not me?’ Kelsey demanded.

Bracing herself, Vivienne said, ‘I think she wants to try and help us be friends.’

Kelsey turned away again.

‘I’ll leave you alone to read it,’ Vivienne said and started to get up, but then, hearing Kelsey swallow and seeing two tears form and roll from the bottom of her eyes, she whispered, ‘I can stay if you’d prefer.’

Kelsey shrugged dismissively. ‘You can do as you like,’ she retorted coldly.

Vivienne’s heart folded around the pain Kelsey was trying to hide. She didn’t want to be alone, but was unable to swallow enough pride to admit it. Sitting down again, Vivienne drew up her knees and hugged them to her chest, giving Kelsey time to decide what to do next.

Time slipped quietly by and Kelsey’s gaze stayed on Henrietta, whose silky neck she was stroking with a hand mottled by cold. She didn’t even glance at the letter again, but Vivienne knew she was sensing its presence like a ticking bomb between them.

In the end Kelsey said, in a voice that was much tarter than the words, ‘Dad told me the good news about Sharon’s donor.’

Surprised by the change of direction, but pleased because it signalled another lowering of barriers, Vivienne said, ‘Let’s hope it all works out this time. I’m sure it will.’

Kelsey tilted her head to one side, and ran her fingers over Henrietta’s golden beak. ‘Martha, and my friends at school, think it was really good of you to put on that auction,’ she remarked.

Guessing she might be letting the others speak for her, Vivienne said, ‘Well, I didn’t do it alone. Far from it, in fact.’

‘Yeah, but you were the one who got it going.’

Understanding now that this was the excuse she was giving herself to set aside her animosity and open up a little, Vivienne said nothing, only watched her continuing to stroke Henrietta, while sensing her inner struggle and knowing it all had to happen in Kelsey’s time.

‘The Canadas never came back,’ Kelsey said.

Vivienne’s heart ached as she looked at Kelsey’s face, and seeing a tear drop onto her hand she dispensed with caution and moved to put an arm around her.

To her relief Kelsey didn’t shrug her off, but she didn’t lean in to her either, merely continuing to stroke the goose. Vivienne wondered if she was remembering how Henrietta’s plight had brought them together before. Then quite unexpectedly Kelsey turned her face into Vivienne’s shoulder and started to sob.

‘Oh, my love, it’s all right, it’s all right,’ Vivienne murmured, holding her close, tears welling in her own eyes. ‘I’m here. I won’t let you go.’

Kelsey continued to cry, her body shaking and juddering, her voice strangled by too much confusion,
until
she pulled away again as though angered by her moment of weakness – or, Vivienne realised, afraid that she might be pushed away first.

Not quite sure what to do for the moment, Vivienne folded her arms on her knees again and watched the other geese skimming about the near edge of the lake, as though keeping an eye on the privileged Henrietta, while the ducks paddled and dived imperviously.

Beside her Kelsey’s breath was still ragged, and once or twice a latent sob made her jerk and gulp. Then finally she put out a hand and picked up the letter.

As she stared down at her name, written in her mother’s hand, Vivienne said, ‘Would you like Dad to come and sit with you while you read it?’

For a while Kelsey didn’t respond, until she shook her head as another lingering sob made her gasp. ‘No,’ she said.

Vivienne watched her tear the envelope open. If Kelsey wanted her to go she’d say, so she’d assume, at least for the moment, that she wanted her to stay.

After unfolding the pages, Kelsey looked down at them, and almost immediately flinched:

Darling Kelsey,

I know this won’t be an easy letter for you to read, but I hope by the time you finish it you will have at least some understanding of why I believe that what I’m about to do is the best for us all.

Actually, maybe I should deal with a few practical things first, such as the cheque for £15,000 which you’ve probably already found in the envelope along with my bank details so that Dad can access my account. The cheque is to cover the winning bid for Theo. I thought perhaps it
would
be nice if he gave some coaching to Sharon’s children and their schoolfriends, do you? And took them for a day out in Bath. That’s if she’d like him to, of course. If not, the money is for a good cause, so I’ll leave it to you to decide with Theo and Vivienne where it should go.

My will is with my lawyer. Everything that was mine is now yours, including my car. My hope is that Dad will sell it and keep the money to buy something a little more suitable for a seventeen-year-old when the time comes. I’ve also set things out for you to inherit small amounts from me at various stages of your life, so you’ll be reminded from time to time that I haven’t really deserted you.

I understand how confused you must be feeling now by the way I’ve left you, especially when our relationship seemed finally to be gaining some closeness. I’m afraid that has only been possible because I am ready to let go. If I consider staying all the blackness comes over me again, and I know when I’m like that I can never be a good mother to you.

To explain the effect Sam’s disappearance had on me would be like trying to explain why it happened. Neither is possible, and yet you’ve been forced to live with what it did to me ever since you were born. I know we’ve never discussed it, and I’m sure now that we should have, but every time I tried I found myself thinking of Sam in a way that felt as though I was giving up on him. As soon as that happened I started to panic all over again. I simply couldn’t accept that he’d really gone and would never
come
back, so I didn’t want to talk about it for fear of making it real. I just wanted to continue living as though one day he’d be with us again, and when that time came, it would be as though he’d never been taken. I suppose you could say I was like an amputee waiting for a limb that could never be replaced, or a dead heart waiting for its beat to resume.

In the last few weeks, whilst I’ve been alone, much I wasn’t expecting has been revealed to me. First and foremost is the love I have for you that I’ve been afraid to show, or even feel. After I lost Sam I never again considered myself worthy as a mother. I was afraid to trust myself, and in my grieving mind I believed that if I stopped you from coming close to me it would keep you safe. I have suffered from many tormented and irrational beliefs over the years, mostly caused by the need to punish myself for what I allowed to happen to Sam. I realise now, in a way I never did before, that my obsession with finding him has dominated my life in a way that tore our family apart, even as I used it to keep us together.

With all my heart I regret the pain I have caused you and Dad, the way I have held him to me, while pushing you away. If only I’d realised it should have been the other way round. I needed to let him go, while I poured all my energy into being a good mother to you, but I was so terrified he’d leave me, and so convinced that we needed to stay together for Sam, that I couldn’t see beyond it.

I have made too many mistakes, my darling, all of which I can see much more clearly now that my
worst
fears have come true. Isn’t that ironic? I find that instead of destroying me, my fears are finally setting me free. Dad has fallen in love with another woman and they have a son. I never thought I’d be able to say, or write, that with any kind of equanimity, but it turns out that I say it with such a sense of relief that I can only wish it had happened a long time ago.

I don’t think I’m a bad person, darling, but I’ve done some bad things, and bad things have happened to me. You may, for some time, find it hard to forgive me for the way I’ve treated you, but please keep this letter and let it continually tell you that I am making this choice as much out of love for you as out of a need to escape the daily torment of what might have happened to Sam, or might even be happening now. It’s true, other mothers have found a way to live with it, but it seems I can’t. As the years go by, my darling, it’s only getting worse. All the time I imagine him growing up, becoming a man, maybe even passing me in the street and not knowing who I am. And then there are the darker, much more terrible thoughts of what might have been done to him; thoughts that have all too often driven me out of my mind. I need to put an end to that, for all our sakes. We deserve our freedom, and I believe this is the way to make it happen.

I want you to think only of your future now, and remember that Dad has been there for you every step of the way, and I know he’ll continue to be. Vivienne will too, and though you might think it now, I know that deep in your heart you don’t hate her at all. Fortunately, I think she’s wise
enough
to realise that, so I’m sure she’ll ride the storms with you until you’re ready to accept her.

And now here’s another thought for you. Maybe she and Dad would have met and fallen in love anyway, even if Sam had stayed with us. We can’t know that for sure, of course, all we know is what life has dealt us, and in your case, you have Rufus. Please believe me, darling, he’s a beautiful little boy, full of life and mischief, and I know you two are going to get an enormous amount of joy from one another.

I shall finish by asking you to tell Dad that I’m sorry. He will understand why, but for you I will spell it out: I’m sorry for losing his son, for holding him back from a life that should have been his, and for not treating his daughter as well as I should have. I haven’t written to him, because there is no more to be said between us that hasn’t been said a thousand times before. I loved him very much once, certainly during the time you were conceived, but our tragedy destroyed our marriage, and now it’s time for me to stop letting it destroy everything else.

I go with a lightness in my heart, darling, that tells me I am on the right path. Your future can be bright and sunny, and full of happiness if you let it. It’s how I want to think of you as I go to sleep tonight, so please make my dream come true, and always know that I will be somewhere close by, watching over you and feeling so much pride in my girl that the sun will shine from the heavens, even on a cloudy day. Until we meet again, my darling,

Mum

As Kelsey finished reading she dropped the letter in her lap and buried her face in her hands. Immediately Vivienne pulled her into a hug, holding her as she wept, great racking sobs wrenching at her body, despair tormenting her soul. She cried out for her mother, her brother, and her father, while clinging to Vivienne as though only she could keep her from drowning.

Her head went down and down, her hands bunching behind it, and Vivienne grasped her fists, willing her own strength into them as though it might find its way to her heart. She put her head over Kelsey’s, covering her hair with her own, and wrapping her so tightly that in the end Kelsey was forced to come up. Then, finally noticing Henrietta watching them with some curious blinks, Kelsey gave a watery smile.

Reaching out, she drew the goose to her, wiping the back of one hand over her cheeks. ‘Did you know she’s got a new family now?’ she said.

For a moment Vivienne thought she was talking about Jacqueline, until realising she meant Henrietta, she looked at the other geese.

‘Do you see them watching?’ Kelsey said, sounding on the verge of breaking down again. ‘Dad bought them when Henri started to pine, and she bonded with them really well, but actually I think she still likes me best, don’t you, Henri?’

As though realising she was being spoken to, the goose gave a raucous squawk and brushed her beak over Kelsey’s face.

Vivienne smiled as she watched them, then laughed as Henrietta flapped her wings and fluttered her feathers.

Still watching the goose, Kelsey took the letter from her lap and held it out to Vivienne. Then, as though nothing had happened, she said, ‘Do you think Rufus would like Henrietta?’

‘I’m sure he would,’ Vivienne replied hoarsely.

‘She’s very gentle. She won’t hurt him,’ Kelsey promised.

‘No, I’m sure she won’t.’

With her hands still cupped around Henrietta’s face, Kelsey said, ‘We could go and get him if you like.’

When she felt the time to be right Vivienne rose to her feet, and waited as Kelsey got up too. As they walked back to the house, side by side though not quite touching, Vivienne said, casually, ‘Theo’s arriving tonight. He’s going to see Sharon in the morning, but he thought you might want some company in the afternoon, while everyone’s at the funeral. Unless you decide to go.’

Kelsey’s head stayed down as she continued to walk.

Vivienne didn’t press it any further. She suspected Kelsey had already changed her mind, but it didn’t matter if she hadn’t. She’d let them know her decision when she was ready. In the meantime, her father was coming to meet them, his expression troubled, but questioning, as his eyes met Vivienne’s.

Taking Rufus so he could fold Kelsey into his arms, Vivienne gave him the briefest of smiles to let him know it was all right.

As his father and sister hugged, Rufus watched in silence, seeming intrigued, then worried, as Kelsey started to sob. He looked at his mother, then his father, not sure if this was a game, or if he should cry too. He leaned back against Vivienne, plonking his head on
her
shoulder, until quite suddenly he gave a scream of excitement and almost sprang from her arms.