Missing Lily (Tales of Dalthia) (38 page)

He turned, his eyes finally focusing on me, allowing me to see the guilt, and grief, and pain burning there. “And what about us?” he asked. “What about you and me? Are we going to break? Am I going to be the one to tear us apart? Or are we already beyond repair? Have our circumstances chipped away at us from the moment we met? Were we broken from the beginning?”

I blinked, pushing the tears past my lashes to course down my cheeks, then looked skyward as I swallowed. “I’m not going to pretend this has all been easy, or that these events won’t leave deep impressions on you and me. I feel changed. I feel—damaged.”
 

Another silent tear escaped his eye, though he hadn’t blinked.
 

“But I also know that we are strong. You make me stronger, you make me better. And even if we are a little broken, I’m not willing to let us stay that way. Are you?”

“Of course not.”

“I want to give you the time that you need to—”

“The time that
we
need, Lylin. I don’t want you pretending to be strong for my sake. You’re right that we’re strong together. So please remember that you don’t have to be strong on your own.” He leaned his forehead against my hands as he held them, forcing a shuddering breath into his lungs. He looked up at me and kissed my fingers. “You should return to bed. You’re not alone, are you?” He sat up suddenly, looking toward the door where one side of Jarem’s body was visible just outside. He slumped back. “Good, good,” he muttered.

His eyes drifted, unable to focus anymore. I put one hand on his shoulder, at the crook of his neck, and leaned down to rest my head on his other shoulder, overcome with hurt and compassion as I saw the man I loved in such pain. “I am sorry for your loss,” I whispered.

“I am sorry for what you have endured,” was his response. Then he pulled back, stroking my cheek with one thumb before giving me a promise. “And I will fight for us.”

I smiled through the tears pooling in my eyes. “I know. Sleep well.” I kissed his forehead and quit the room, my arms wrapped around my chilled body as I climbed the stairs, Jarem trailing behind.

***

I awoke early, still tired but unable to go back to sleep. I pulled on the cord to ring for Missy and readied for the day, though it was barely light outside.

I was securing an errant pin in my hair when I opened my door to leave and stopped. Rhys sat on the floor across from my room, just as he had the night I’d met Tobias. His head leaned back against the hard stone wall, and he was sleeping. I turned to Nathaniel, who had taken over the latter night watch outside my door, and gave him a questioning look.

“He took up his post there about two hours ago. Said he couldn’t sleep and would feel better knowing he was looking out for you.”

I looked back to Rhys, wondering what made him feel the need to stand guard outside my door instead of attempting sleep. Then again... “How long has he been asleep?”

“Since a few minutes after he sat down.”

“How can he sleep like that?” My voice was kept at a whisper, partially to keep from waking Rhys, but mostly because I was overawed.
 

“I believe he rests easier when he’s certain you are safe.”

I swallowed my emotion. “Will you wait at the end of the hall?”

He stepped away and I lowered myself to sit on the floor beside Rhys, being careful not to jostle him, then leaned my head back on the cold stone with a weary sigh.

I would be going to stay with Ella today. I had already set Missy to the task of preparing my things, but as I turned to study the face of the man who had come to mean the world to me, I wondered how I could leave. He seemed to have aged years since yesterday. He needed rest, and yet here he was, watching over me when he should have been sleeping.

“Good morning.”

I blinked, realizing his eyes were open and filled with concern. “I’m not sure good is the right word.”

“Any morning with you is better than the alternative.”

I smiled. “You shouldn’t torture yourself by sleeping upright on the floor.”

“I’m no worse off,” he said, climbing to his feet. “You, however, I’m sure are breaking some sort of code for royal conduct.” He reached for my hands and pulled me to my feet, then led me down to breakfast.

That day was a quiet one. I wanted to give him the chance to sort through his thoughts, so I kept close to him, but let silence fall much of the time.
 

As I performed final preparations for removing myself to Ella’s house, exhaustion set in. Rhys found me standing over my trunk, fighting down my emotion.

“Lylin.” He pulled me to his chest. “Talk to me.”

I swallowed, my throat aching. “I’m so angry.”

A pregnant pause ensued and I wondered if my response upset him. Finally he asked, “At me?”

“Of course not.” Tears stung my eyes and my lungs heaved in relief. “I’m angry at him. Is that wrong? Because it feels wrong.”

He sighed into my hair. “It’s not wrong at all. I’ve been angry with him for longer than I can remember. And I think I’ll be angry for a good while more.”

“And that’s alright?”

“For now, yes. It’s alright.”

Chapter 27

T
HE
FOLLOWING
WEEK
was quite simply easier. I stopped trying to bite my tongue and keep a white-knuckled grip on my feelings. Rhys and I saw each other nearly every day, whether for several hours or only a few minutes. We actually courted, which was something that, as of yet, we’d never managed to do. Rhys talked about Tobias, telling me his good memories, though they were scarce. He also told me of some of their most heated arguments, about the few times their rivalry had brought them to blows.

“I always won, of course, which didn’t help matters. But I couldn’t bring myself to let him win, and he was too passionate to do anything but use brute strength. That’s how he dealt with everything. He threw himself at it with all he had.”

“That’s a volatile way to live,” I observed, and he nodded. “Strangely enough, I think there’s something to be admired about being able to commit everything you have to something. Of course, it doesn’t work in every situation.”

“It has to be a commitment to the
right
something.”

“Yes.”
 

“A commitment to the right
person
.” He ran his thumb along my jaw and leaned in to kiss me, sending tingles down my back.
 

“Yes,” I whispered, admiring his handsome face. His countenance was so filled with love that I had the urge to just be closer to him. I stood and tugged on his hand. “Will you dance with me?”

His eyebrows shot up. “Dance with you?” he asked, allowing me to pull him to his feet.

“What’s wrong? Afraid you’ll step on my toes?”

He accepted my teasing challenge and led me in a dance around the room, despite the lack of music. He started out slow and simple, guiding me in and out of the streaks of sunlight slanting across the room, his chin resting against the side of my forehead. My heart lightened with each sway and turn. After a few minutes, he varied the tempo, turning the simple dance into a quick whirl around the room. I caught sight of Nathaniel peeking around the door with one eyebrow in a high arch. I smiled in return, and he gave me a wink before taking up his post outside the door.

Rhys continued to spin, and I laughed as we narrowly avoided chairs and tables, tripping when he changed tempo once again. His hold on me was secure enough that my stumble didn’t interrupt our romp.
 

“I’m sorry,” I laughed. “I’m afraid I am entirely unfamiliar with this dance.”

He grinned down at me. “I’m surprised at you, Highness. Isn’t it your duty to be proficient in all the dances?” He twirled me three times in succession.

“You’ve found me out. I’ve obviously been remiss in my education.”

“I’ll have to add that to the list of things I must discuss with your parents.”

“You have a list?”

“Of course. I must air my grievances before we further our relationship. It’s only fair to give your parents a chance to correct your heathen ways.”

“That sounds very serious. Tell me, what other complaints do you have?”

“Oh, too many to count. Dreadful things like how your laugh is too lovely, and you have a horrid habit of making me smile. It’s quite inexcusable.” He slipped back into a slow dance, swaying on the spot.

“Do you think you’ll be able to overlook all my grievous faults?” I asked as his swaying became more pronounced.

“I suppose I could
try.
” He swayed so far to one side that I had to hang on to his arms to keep from tipping over as he paused for a long moment.

I couldn’t help laughing. “Rhys,” I protested, and he pulled us upright again. “If I end up in a heap on the floor, I will have to add that to the list I keep of all
your
faults.”

“Oh, you have your own list, do you?” He stepped us into a spiraling pattern and I had to hold on once more. “Do tell me what I might find on the list.”

“For one, you’re much too good at dancing.”

He started clomping clumsily about the floor to prove me wrong.
 

“For another, you are horribly loyal. It’s a trait not to be borne, and I believe we must endeavor to beat it out of you.”

“Hm. It seems I must speak with your parents about your penchant for violence as well.”

“My penchant for violence?”

“You just threatened to beat me.”

“
I
would do nothing of the sort.” I managed to keep a straight face as I added, “I would have someone do it for me.”

“You would hire a mercenary? What kind of company do you keep, Princess?”

His look of mock astonishment made it impossible to come up with a witty reply, especially when he was still bounding around the room, performing the most left-footed, galumphing steps he could come up with.

I realized at that moment that both of us were smiling. And they were real smiles—not forced, or strained, or trembling. Warmth filled me at the thought.

He slowed our dance to a gentle sway, his eyes caressing my face. “Do you know we still haven’t been able to just go for a ride? Only the two of us?”

I rested my head on his shoulder. “I guess I know what we’re doing tomorrow.”

He chuckled.

The following day, we set out on our ride and I made Rhys take me to all of his favorite spots on the estate. He pointed out a copse of trees where he and Tobias used to play at sword fighting.

“We were quite young, perhaps seven and nine. He still acted like any child would. It wasn’t until later that he became angry.”

Ever since our conversation about Tobias, and his tendency to use brute strength for everything, I had been looking for a moment to ask Rhys a question. I didn’t think I’d get a better opportunity.

“Are you still concerned that you may have contributed to Tobias’s madness?”

He pulled back. “Madness?”

I shrugged. I had been using that word in all the conversations I’d had with myself over the past several weeks. “I don’t know how else to describe it.”

“Hm.” He considered for a moment. “I’d never thought of that before. Perhaps it was a sort of madness.”

“Does it still worry you?” I asked again. It was important to me that we discussed this one subject. I didn’t know why, but in my bones, I felt it was vital.

He thought for several moments, then slowly, very slowly, shook his head. “I did what I thought was best. I don’t believe I was ever irrational in the way I reacted to him. And I can’t take responsibility for Tobias’s actions any more than I could expect someone to take responsibility for my own.” He fell silent, letting the air fill with the solid sounds of the horses’ hooves as he thought. “I will always mourn the way Tobias chose to live, and especially the way he chose to die, but I won’t let it ruin my own life.” He turned to look at me. “He tried to take you away from me, but I’m not willing to give you up. I plan on spending a great deal of time with you.”

I smiled, relieved beyond measure to hear his certainty. “I’m glad to hear it.”
 

We were headed back to Ella’s house when he said, “I didn’t get to take you to my favorite spot today.”

I opened my mouth to ask why in the world not, but he continued. “Shall we spend tomorrow afternoon on our hilltop?”

Our hilltop
. I readily agreed, feeling lighter, seeing that he acted lighter, less weighed down than I had since him since—I couldn’t remember when.

That evening, he dined with me at Ella and Gavin’s estate. He and Gavin had only met briefly on a few occasions, but by the middle of our meal they were acting like lifelong friends. They did the majority of the talking, both becoming animated when they discovered a new interest or opinion they shared. They were both especially glad to find someone who despised being waited on constantly. Ella and I each sat back, entertained by their banter, often sneaking looks at one another with brows raised in surprise or furrowed in confusion. We both enjoyed seeing them engaged and enthusiastic. I could almost feel my chest swelling with contentment. This was what I wanted. This camaraderie with family. This peace. This man who laughed with Gavin one moment, then turned to kiss my hand and give me a smile the next. This was the life I wanted.