Missing Mark

A
LSO BY
J
ULIE
K
RAMER

Stalking Susan

TO JOE,
LOVE OF MY LIFE

The bride wept—not from happiness.

She threw her bouquet—in the garbage.

The bridesmaids looked helpless. The groomsmen looked sheepish. The mother of the groom looked like she’d rather be anywhere else. Finally, the minister made the announcement to the three hundred waiting guests.

Then the mother of the bride unzipped her daughter’s gown and drove her home.

y past sold quickly, despite the down market.

Of course, no one actually died under my roof. Just a couple of near-miss murders that my real estate agent assured me didn’t need to be disclosed to potential buyers.

But now I needed to move fast and she promised me this was the place. “I have a feeling about you and this remodeled bungalow,” Jan Meyer said. “The owner is anxious to leave town and just dropped the price twenty grand.”

Jan enjoyed playing matchmaker between buyer and seller. Especially since she knew I’d made a killing on my own real estate deal and had plenty of cash to put down. So she took the key out of the lockbox and prepared to give me the tour.

“You might just fall in love with the kitchen,” she said.

Not love at first smell. The house had a definite odor. And it didn’t seem to be coming from the kitchen.

While Jan went to open some windows, I followed my nose to a closed door where the smell seemed strongest. Journalists prefer open doors. So I turned the knob and peeked inside. Then quickly slammed it shut before any flies could escape.

“What is that horrible smell?” Jan asked.

“I think it might be the owner.”

“Is he dead?” she gasped.

I nodded as I headed back outside to call the police from my cell phone.

“Did he have a heart attack?” Jan followed behind, anxious for details.

“In a manner of speaking.”

I hadn’t gotten close to the man on the floor. But I could see the congealed pool of blood around his body and the knife sticking out of his chest.

That’s when I decided to keep renting.

ome days I wish I could just write about sweaters. After all, sweaters never hurt anyone. And no reporter ever got kidnapped, blindfolded, and paraded in front of Al Jazeera’s audience for writing for
Vogue
. Of course, no sweater ever got a gold-medal 40 share in TV ratings either. Except perhaps Kathleen Sullivan’s figure-hugging crew necks during the Winter Olympics in Sarajevo.

Sweaters are the mashed potatoes and gravy of a woman’s wardrobe—the ultimate comfort clothing—unless gravy accidentally drips onto a pricey cashmere. But I was nowhere near the kitchen, so I could safely curl up in a hand-knit sweater of scratchy wool looking out an upstairs window at a narrow view of White Bear Lake. I don’t actually live on the lake, but if I angle my chair and crane my neck just right, I can watch the whitecaps and fishermen on the legendary water.

I’m Riley Spartz, an investigative reporter for Channel 3 in Minneapolis. Close to five months ago I fled my highly sought-after urban neighborhood for a fresh start after a TV sweeps story went bad. Lakeshore homes in this northern Twin Cities suburb go for a million bucks plus, but the rest of the town is quite affordable.

My landlord recently moved out, listing this place for rent because his next-door neighbor held perpetual yard sales that attracted traffic at annoying times. Always looking for a bargain, I’d even checked out the inventory myself, but found only overpriced junk.

Today I paged through the weekly
White Bear Press
, delighted by irksome crimes that wouldn’t merit a mention on a major-market TV newscast. Nothing makes a woman living alone feel safer than reading police reports about teens caught smoking behind the school and bicycles stolen from open garages.

A want ad for an item I definitely wasn’t looking to buy caught my eye and my imagination.

FOR SALE: WEDDING DRESS. NEVER WORN

Mystery and emotion, all in one line.

Forget sweaters. A wedding dress is much more likely to garner a 40 share. Viewers love weddings. The research proves it.

In the world of television ratings, two weddings stand out. And both brides would probably have been happier if their wedding dresses had never been worn.

In 1969, when Miss Vicki married Tiny Tim on
The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson
, 45 million viewers made that episode the highest rated in talk-show history.

That was nothing compared to the wedding of the century. A dozen years later 750 million viewers worldwide watched as Prince Charles and Lady Diana promised to forsake all others. That royal wedding delivered royal ratings, but ultimately royal scandal. The bride and groom learned (as I reluctantly learned from my own brief marriage) no “I do” guarantees happily ever after.

When it comes to TV weddings, happiness and ratings may be mutually exclusive. While Prince Charles’s sequel ceremony to Camilla Parker Bowles tanked in the ratings department, the marriage seems to be thriving in the happiness arena.

Now TV weddings are typically interactive events, like the
Today
show where viewers choose gowns, cakes, rings and honeymoon destinations for the happy couple, or reality shows, like
The Bachelor
, in which grooms propose marriage before our voyeuristic eyes.

I circled the “Never Worn” want ad with a red pen and pondered whether the story behind the wedding dress might be worth a television news story.

Perhaps a lesson about love and loss, if I could sort through the he said/she said of a broken engagement. Was the big day called off because of a tragic parachuting accident? A philandering groom caught with a bridesmaid after the rehearsal dinner? Or perhaps a wedding guest revealed a juicy secret when the minister inquired whether anyone knew any reason why this man and this woman should not be joined in holy matrimony.

Doubtful that the truth would prove as irresistible as the scenarios in my mind, but maybe the story could be a lesson about second chances if the gown made it successfully down the aisle on the back of a new bride.

As an investigative reporter, I seldom get a chance to tell love stories.

The May ratings book loomed, just on the fringe of the June wedding season. A tantalizing tale of doomed courtship might spike the overnight news numbers. The Channel 3 bosses were always anxious this time of year because the May sweeps were arguably the most important—Christmas holiday ad rates are based on those figures. Jingle all the way.

I had no blockbuster investigation up my sweater sleeve this sweeps. I’d sat out the February ratings book because I was a mess personally and the November book remained an unpleasant reminder of my blood, sweat, and tears.

My hypothetical wedding-dress chronicle was unlikely to require a major investment of time or money, so if the backstory was compelling, Channel 3’s news director, Noreen Banks, would probably give me a green light. Another reason: we had a mandate from the suits upstairs to attract more women viewers because advertisers think they control the household cash.