Mission: Earth "Voyage of Vengeance" (19 page)

Yes, I had outwitted them.

Not only that, but I had escaped the vile clutches of those ex-lesbians who had become my wives.

What I had told Raht had not been a lie. I had time now to regroup my forces and return to the attack.

And I would have been even further cheered as I boarded the ship-had my premonition cells been more active-cozy in the knowledge there would come a time when the vicious Countess Krak would be lying, helpless as putty, in my vengeful hands.

I was still master of the fate of Earth.

Lombar and Rockecenter still reigned in the Heavens.

I chuckled. I had won this round. And because I had, millions would suffer.

It was a lovely spring afternoon.

It promised a future very bright for me. And very dark indeed for Heller and the Countess Krak and Earth.

The
Golden Sunset
plowed through the gentle swell, a white dream ship on a blue ocean, followed by the flashing wings and calls of gulls. We were headed southeast-wards for Bermuda and had already left Sandy Hook behind.

To a man just freed from bondage, it was glorious to be aboard, even though I usually hated the sea.

When the coastline seemed too far away for me to be stopped, I went along the panelled passageways to the owner's suite.

I thought I could detect a faint perfume and flinched. It reminded me of the Countess Krak.

The steward was waiting for me.

"The perfume!" I said. "You didn't clean this place when the concubine left."

"A lovely lady, sir. But that isn't a lady's perfume. I've drawn the master a bath. You're smelling the bath salts."

"I don't need a bath!" I said indignantly. I had better get this riffraff in its place fast.

"Oh, of course not," he said. "But it would be so nice to wash the last vestiges of the shore away."

He had a point.

I went into the beautifully panelled bathroom: the tub was feet high in bubbles. Before I could object he had stripped my clothes off and I was in the tub.

Then he peeled the bandages off my face. "That's a very nasty wound, sir. Mr. Haggarty give it to you?"

"I fell on a skateboard."

"Well, that's original anyway," the steward said. "I saw it coming, you know. The way your concubine talked about him, it was obvious she was in love."

"Don't talk about her!" I said.

"Of course, sir. It's pretty hard for somebody with only money to recommend him, to hold his own against a dashing figure like Mr. Haggarty."

"Don't talk about him, either!" I shouted.

"Ah, yes," he said. "I can see it is a very painful subject. What did he hit you with?"

"Will you shut up!" I cried.

"Of course, sir. I didn't mean to pry. But don't be downcast. The world is full of women."

"Too (bleeped) full!" I grated. "That's why I'm at sea."

"Then welcome to the club, sir. That's why most sailors go to sea. Now, if you will just hold still, I'll shave you and then we'll rebandage that wound he gave you. Five stitches! My, my! Just lie there and soak in case you collected any more bruises. I put Epsom salts in the water along with the bubble bath just in case."

There was no handling this monomaniac. I was afraid to venture further remarks. I was puzzled as to where he got the idea there had been a love spat and a beat-up, but suddenly recalled that that was what I had told the captain. News certainly got around this ship in an awful hurry. I'd have to remember that.

Wrapped at last in a huge bath towel, I was stood before the wardrobe. "I unpacked for you," the steward said. "You seem to have left in a hurry, as you don't have any yachting clothes. However, we can remedy that in Bermuda and I was relieved to see that you at least brought a dinner jacket. But we can dress later in that. Right now, I've laid out some hiking shorts and they'll have to do."

The old Jew who had sold me such a large wardrobe hadn't guessed I'd be going to sea. A German Tyrolean pair of leather pants and embroidered suspenders really didn't fit the part very well.

Stepping out into the passageway, I collided with the Chief Steward. "Oh, dear," he said, "we'll have to get you some proper clothes in Bermuda. But never mind, Mr. Bey, we'll do all we can to make your cruise a success and mend your broken heart. Such a beautiful concubine. I don't blame you for throwing it all up and tearing off to sea. But, never mind, what I have to know is for the benefit of the chef. We haven't much that is fresh but we do have some things in the freezer. For dinner, he proposes Russian eggs, bouillabaisse, Rainbow Trout Montana, Venison Sauerbraten, Snow Peas Persian, Neopolitan Flambeaux with assorted Danish pastries, Gourmandise cheese and Bavarian Mocha. I know it is a little plain, but we were caught a bit short. Will it do?"

"Yes," I said, realizing suddenly I hadn't really eaten well since I left Turkey.

"Now, as to the wine..."

"No wine!" I said. "I'm a teetotaler!"

"Ah," he said. "Against your religion."

"And everything else," I said firmly.

"Does that apply to your niece and her fiance?"

"Let them drown in it," I said.

"Of course, sir. Now, here is the sports director. I must leave you to enjoy your cruise."

"I have a program all drawn up for you," said the sports director, pacing along beside me as I walked to the deck.

"Tear it up," I said. "I believe only in spectator sports."

"Well, now," he said. "That is pretty drastic. I should have thought, from that wound he gave you, that you'd be itching to get in shape and take on that CIA man."

I shuddered with horror at the thought of going up against Heller hand to hand!

"I am of a peaceful disposition," I said. "Live and let live."

"Well, seeing that he stole your woman, sir, that's a lot more peaceful than I could ever get. He won all our money, too. I was sort of hoping to arrange a return match."

"Not using me!" I said. "You have no idea how peaceful I am. A veritable dove. Olive branches spout from my teeth. Christian, too. Turn the other cheek."

"I thought you were a Moslem," he said. "You just told the Chief Steward you were off liquor because of religion. No, Mr. Bey, you must realize that the physical well-being of our owner is my responsibility when he is at sea. And when I see flab developing..."

"What flab?"

"The rubber tire you're getting around your waist."

"Where?"

"There."

"Ouch."

"You see? Office life has made you soft," he said. "You are far too young for that. I propose, to begin, ten laps around the promenade deck right now and we'll start in earnest tomorrow morning in the gym. Shall we say about nine?"

He started pacing alongside me as I ran around the promenade deck. After five laps I was panting, so I grabbed at the rail, pretending an interest in the sea.

"Why is the ship so level?" I panted.

"Stabilizers, both fore and aft pitch and athwartship roll. Two sets. She's like a billiard table except in storms. So now if we can just finish these last five laps..."

I was absolutely gasping for air.

With him pushing with both hands against my back, we made it. I flopped over the rail, looking down at the water creaming by twenty feet below. "I don't think I can take this," I wheezed.

"We can't have the owner demising from cardiac arrest due to extreme deskosis ashore," he said.

"Cardiac arrest?" I said.

"Certainly. The shape you've let yourself get into, it's imminent."

"It sure is," I said, listening to my blood pounding out my eardrums.

"But never mind," he said. "Steam baths, good food, vitamins on the table and a stiff program carried out every day and we won't have to bury you at sea. So beginning tomorrow morning, we'll get the program really going. Right now, I should think you would like to join your niece and her fiance for a swim before dinner."

"Where are they?" I said.

"Well, they may still be down in the race track. I've never seen anybody skateboard quite like your niece. And her fiance seems to be a complete madman with a racing car."

"It's his general state," I said.

"Well, the way he was chasing her with the racing car, I left a crewman on duty there in case we had to clean up a wreck."

"Yikes!" I said. "Whatever you do, don't let her get killed! That would be fatal!"

"I'll remind her that you are concerned," said the sports director. "Now I suggest you go up to the sunpool and loll a bit. I'll go down to the race track and hurry them up."

I climbed the ladder with difficulty to the sunpool deck. But it was worth the effort. The aquamarine water lapped at the Roman frieze that surrounded it. Reclining chairs with shades sat about. I collapsed in one. Gentle mood music soothed my nerves. The sea all about was a lovely scene in the afternoon sun.

It was the first time I had really relaxed for months! I basked. This was the life! Leagues from the madding throng. Far beyond the reach of dramatic turmoil. The peace was so thick, it lay on one like a blanket. Even the throb of engines was a lulling undertone.

A shriek!

Teenie came tearing up a ladder and went around the pool like a spinning mouse!

She had on some bikini pants and nothing else. Even her ponytail was undone.

A guffaw!

Madison, in a pair of shorts, came racing after her!

"Last one in's a rotten egg!" screamed Teenie. She raced up the diving board and
SPLASH!
A wave of water hit me.
SPLASH!
Another wave hit me as Madison went in!

Teenie hadn't come up.

She grabbed Madison's legs from below and pulled him under.

They surfaced. They batted tidal waves of water at each other. They hit me!

"FOR GODS' SAKES!" I yelled. "You're drowning me!"

They both bobbed, suddenly silent. They looked at each other. They raced to the side of the pool. They surged out.

They grabbed me, one on either side, and THREW ME IN!

I couldn't protest. My mouth was too full of water. And every time I tried to talk, Teenie pushed me under again!

Probably the only thing which saved me from drowning was the multiple-tone chime being struck by a steward.

"Dinner will be served in half an hour," he said. "This is the warning bell so that you can dress."

"Dress?" said Teenie.

"Dress!" I snarled. "You can't go running around this ship bare-(bleep) naked!"

"It's customary," said Madison. "Things are done differently at sea."

"Dress in what?" said Teenie, bobbing in the water.

"In an evening dress!" I bellowed at her.

She looked up at the sky, which was becoming painted with the scarlet of sunset. "Well, it
is
evening," she said. "But that's when you take OFF your clothes, not put them on!"

"I'll help you," said Madison.

Oh, was I suddenly cheered! My luck was holding all the way. Madison and Teenie were hitting it off and Madison would keep her out of my bed.

Despite the determination of the crew to run my life, this was not turning out badly after all.

I supposed myself to be miles from my enemies and safe.

Totally unsuspecting what the future held in store, I went below to dress for dinner.

In the ornate dining salon, Teenie and Madison laughed all the way through dinner.

He had helped her dress. He had found a door curtain with a nautical design and had draped it around her so that it looked like an off-the-shoulder evening gown of sorts.

He was showing her which spoon and which fork to eat what with, while the Chief Steward looked on indulgently and saw to the service.

Eventually they got down to the coffee and were so stuffed they had to stop laughing. It was a relief.

"You were talking about outlaws, this afternoon," said Teenie to Mad. "I just remembered that the place where I lived in New York, Tudor City, was once upon a time an outlaw hangout. Used to be known as 'Corcoran's Roost.' Paddy Corcoran, the notorious bandit, used to live there until they caught up with him."

"Really?" said Madison.

"Absolutely. And every Saturday night you can see his ghost dragging basketloads of heads he cut off, right through the park. I've run into him myself."

"Fascinating," said Madison. "You know, I can't knock off work entirely despite my mother's insistence I take a vacation. I should continue to do research on outlaws. I wonder if there were any in Bermuda? We'll have to go ashore and hunt around for markers and things."

"Oh, that would be fun," said Teenie. "I just love outlaws, too. I can be all kinds of help, getting the locals to talk and looking under rocks and things."

Oh, that really sounded good to me. They were hitting it off very well indeed and that let me out. Thank Gods!

After dinner we went to the music salon and Teenie got some of her Neo Punk Rock records and they danced.

I retired early. It had been a pretty active day.

For three lovely days we sailed onward to Bermuda, a white ship upon an azure sea, a veritable picture book of contentment.

The combination of no sex, no marijuana, plenty of exercise and a stern taskmaster-the sports director-to see that I did it began to build me back to the world of the living.

I considered Madison so valuable that I went into a panic at the very thought of losing him. He and Teenie seemed to want nothing more than to romp all day. Although I had no evidence of it, I could only suppose that they were also romping all night in Madison's or Teenie's cabin.

My prospects seemed marvelous. Sailing along, getting back my health, I gloried in one single fact-oh, Gods, it was wonderful: NO WOMEN! My bed was utterly empty, my time was my own, and the smile on my face grew and grew.