MisStaked (7 page)

Clint placed the books in front of him. “Big stack for you this week, man."

Breathred scrunched up his face, looking shamefully toward the floor. “I can't get everything this week. My fundage is running a little short."

"That's cool. Get what you can and the rest'll be here.” Clint slid the books toward him. “Say how's the new job going?"

"Rough, but I just got a new client,” Breathred flipped through the stack. He pulled two titles he couldn't live without then pulled the Holy Grail from the bottom of the stack,
Tales of The Undead
.

"Sounds cool. This it?” Clint asked before ringing him up.

"Yeah, I'll be in as soon as I get paid,” Breathred assured him.

"No problem. I know you're good for it."

"You haven't seen Luna today have you?"

"No, her manga won't be in till the end of the month,” Clint said.

Breathred picked up his books and change. He headed for the door then stopped. “Say, if you see her, tell her to call me."

"Sure thing. Have a good week, man,” Clint called out.

"You too."

This was not good. He had wasted way too much time. It was after four and he didn't have the time to go back to the Jumper to find out from Luna where the stinking science building was. Without her, he could spend half the night wandering the campus and still not find the right building. He could get lost going to the bathroom, and he knew it.

Stud knew something was wrong with his master. Behind the childlike exterior, Breathred was a troubled man. This was one case where tough love wasn't going to help solve the problem. Even though it was breaking character, Stud would now have to be caring and helpful.

Stud pulled him down on the nearest bus-stop bench. “Breathred, mind telling me what's wrong?"

"I'm hopeless.” Breathred dropped his head into his cupped hands.

"In what way besides the obvious?” Stud regretting saying it before it left his mouth.

"You see? That's what I mean. If my own chimp doesn't respect me, how can I respect myself?” Breathred moaned.

Stud placed a tiny hand on the man-child's shoulder. “You're being too hard on yourself. I know I give you a hard time, but it doesn't mean I don't respect you."

"You mean it?"

"Of course I do. You may have your little foibles, but you pretty much have everything in hand. You keep
me
in line; don't you?"

"Yeah, I guess so,” Breathred agreed, reluctantly.

"See, there you go. Now, tell me what's really troubling you."

"I have to meet the new client at the college, and I have no idea where to go. I've been trying to find Luna so she could help, but I don't have the time to look for her anymore. I wasted all afternoon at Clint's when I should have been out trying to find her. If that wasn't bad enough, my goolies are still itching from last night.” The words flew from him in a sobbing stream.

Stud slumped down. This was worse than he thought. Breathred was losing what little confidence he'd managed to build up over the years, and what made matter's worse, he didn't have all that much to begin with. The problem was he'd begun to depend on Luna. Breathred had never depended on anybody before and had done all right for himself. Since his unrequited paramour stepped into the picture, Breathred looked to the girl for all the answers.

True, she did have most of them. Her omnipresence wasn't the point. Breathred was smart in an academic type of way. Everything else he tended to be clueless about. For him to foist all this on Luna was unfair—to both him and her. Well, his co-dependence had to stop, and now was as good a time as any.

"Snap out of it, Butt-Brain. We don't need her. We're the team here. You're the one with the degree from Boffrend's, not her.” Stud had to suppress a chuckle when he said it. “Between the two of us, there's nothing we can't do. Now, where are we supposed to meet this client?"

"At the science building.” Breathred sniffled.

"No problem. We go to the college. We can check the school index and find it ourselves. It can't be that damn hard. Co-eds do it all the time.” Stud rose to his feet.

"Yeah, we can, can't we?” Breathred half-heartedly grinned back.

"You bet your ass we can.” Stud slapped him across the back.

Breathred stood up with renewed vigor. Stud smiled as he fell in step behind him. All the boy needed was a little push. The good thing about dealing with the simple-minded, they never realized behind every mediocre man was an above-average chimpanzee.

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From Dusk to Dawn isn't just a movie—it's the vampire way of life.

True to his word, Stud had little trouble finding the Science building, once reaching the college campus. After a fifteen-minute tour of the grounds they found themselves on the steps leading up to the William Gates Memorial Science Complex.

They had made it with minutes to spare, which was good for them. Breathred had an unnatural fear of elevators to go along with the other long list of phobias dominating his feeble psyche. He appreciated the fact Stud had learned to cope with them over the years, but wished the chimp wouldn't keep throwing them in his face at every opportunity. It didn't make the chimpanzee any easier to deal with, but it did make things quite interesting for those around him.

Room 507 thankfully sat right across from the stairwell exit. After the walk across the city to get here in the first place, he could tell Stud was about as tired as a primate could be. Breathred, on the other hand, had caught his second wind somewhere in the stairwell. The excitement was carrying him long after sanity should have told him to fall flat on his face.

Breathred straightened his black duster. He had opted to forego the leather body suit in favor of a more comfortable outfit, though remained dressed in all black, as befitted his occupation. The fabric was just not as stressful against his tender flesh as leather would have been. He was still chafing from last night, but didn't want to bring the fact to anyone's attention by walking all funny. Smelling like baby powder was bad enough without anyone knowing the reason why.

Once Breathred was sure the outfit presented the proper image, he knocked on the classroom door. No one answered. Backing up a step, Breathred wondered if he had the right room. Maybe, they'd come to the wrong room. It wouldn't be the first time that mistake had popped up. Being half asleep when he took the call probably could explain the confusion if the room number was indeed wrong. Looking down to Stud for moral support, the chimp shrugged, which was really no help at all.

Breathred was about to knock again when Stud reached up and opened the door. Not to be outdone by his companion, Breathred eased in front of him and entered the room. It took him a minute to see the shape of a woman at the far end of the room who was almost invisible among the scattered desks and failing fluorescent lights lighting the cramped space.

Breathred guessed the woman must be Dr. Grayson. Truthfully, she looked nothing like he had imagined her to be. She was sitting atop her desk going over a file with a pen tucked into the corner of her mouth, her auburn hair pulled back into an unruly bun, held together by crisscrossed pencils. Totally engrossed in her work, she didn't notice them until Stud let out a none-too-subtle grunt.

"May I help you?” she asked, obviously startled by the strange-looking pair.

Breathred fell into his slayer mode. “Breathred Petrifunck of
Petrifunck Paranormal
at your service. We spoke this afternoon."

"Ah, yes. Thank you so much for coming,” she said with a hint of doubt in her voice, which raised a notch when Stud eased his head around Breathred's side. “Excuse me but is that a chimpanzee behind you?"

Breathred shoved Stud back behind him. “Pay him no mind. He's my assistant."

"Mr. Petrifunck, I think I may have made a mistake in calling you. I hate to have wasted your time.” The professor stood up from the desk and began ushering them back toward the door.

"I don't think so ma'am. You're obviously in need, otherwise you wouldn't have called.” Breathred stuck his hand against the doorframe to halt his untimely expulsion.

"You silly button. She called you because I told her to do it,” Luna snorted, ducking under Breathred's outstretched arm to enter the room.

"Luna?” Breathred's jaw dropped a full five inches at the sound of her voice.

Luna gave him a peck on his confused cheek. “Who else, Sweetie?"

"Ms. Walking Batch, as I told Mr. Petrifunck, this was a mistake."

"Wrong, Doc. You showed me the ancient tablet. I guarantee Breathy here is the only one who can help you figure it out,” Luna said, folding her arms.

"Well, I'm already here after all,” Breathred interjected. Normally, he wouldn't come between Luna and her folded arms, but this was a special occasion. “You have absolutely nothing to lose by explaining the situation now, do you?"

The professor threw her hands up in resignation. “All right, come back in."

"Hold everything, Toots. We ain't doing nothing until we discuss our fee. We have expenses to think of,” Stud jumped in.

"The monkey talks!” Dr. Grayson shouted, stumbling back to her desk in shock.

"Course I do. And it's a chimpanzee, if you please, Hot Stuff. Otherwise the human there wouldn't know his head from his ass.” Stud pointed back to Breathred.

"B-but monkeys don't talk."

"Look, we've already been over that. I talk. I walk. Hey, hey I'm the monkey. Get over it so we can get to the good part,” Stud said, sounding frustrated by the whole thing.

Breathred finally found his voice. “Stud, shut up!"

"That's right, Honey. Let us humans figure this out,” Luna said in her best schoolmarm impression.

"Doctor Grayson, I'm truly sorry, but you have to understand. You called
Petrifunck Paranormal
, not the police or even a private detective. We operate outside the bounds of human understanding. It'd be best if you realize we don't conform to the way the world normally operates or we'll never be able to help you.” Breathred hoped he didn't sound like a total dufus, but if he didn't say something, this thing was going to just get worse.

Dr. Grayson sat on the desk and looked over the unlikely trio. This was all so bizarre. She had figured from Luna's recommendation the man might be a little eccentric, but talking chimps were a bit much. God knows what else he had scurrying around in his duster. He looked like a reject from a Bon Jovi video. Had she sunk as low as this?

The bad thing was, she needed his help. The stone tablet was so unlike anything she had ever seen before. Dr. Grayson had been able to decipher the text. The hard part had been, actually believing what the tablet had said once she finished. If she tried to show it to her colleagues, they would more than likely laugh her butt straight off campus.

Desperation led her to take the girl's advice. The tablet spoke of things she always assumed were nothing more than popular fiction and myth. Carbon-dating the tablet had placed its age on the order ten thousand years, way before the birth of Christ, before history was even documented. The facts boggled the mind. If the tests were correct, then how could this tablet possibly exist?

She looked again at the motley crew. She had to go to somebody. Why not a rock star, and an Indian with a talking monkey thrown in to sweeten the nuthatch? Nobody else would be willing to believe her.

"Okay, you're hired.” Grayson sighed, truly at the end of her thin grip on sanity.

"Then let's discuss our fee,” Stud interjected before the moment passed. “If this is purely on a consultant basis, we get fifty dollars an hour, plus expenses. On the chance this involves any monster slaying or any contact with the undead in any form or fashion, our fee is tripled."

"You are a blood-thirsty little creature. Aren't you?” Dr. Grayson noted, dryly. “In any case I can't pay anything close to such a large amount. You'll have to abide by the restrictions lain down by the university."

"And they are?” Stud asked. “Quite frankly, what you're saying smacks of communism."

She stopped, letting his words sink in before ignoring them completely in favor of retaining her sanity. “Since this course of action is not fully sanctioned by the college board of deans, I'm going to have to treat this as if you are laborers for one of my archeological digs."

"Which pays what?” Stud shot back.

"Forty dollars a day each, excluding the chimp.” Dr. Grayson felt an aneurism building in the back of her brain.

"Why not the chimp? I have the same rights as any other citizen of this great country.” Stud rose to his full height—a good four foot-three. It wasn't imposing, but she hoped it made him feel better because the sight was giving her a case of the giggles.

"Because for me to pay you, you have to have a social security card,” she smirked, thinking she had finally tripped him up.

"Here you go. Now, sign me up,” Stud said smugly, pulling the card from his wallet and handing it to her.

"How does a monk...” She paused as he gave her a dirty look. “Excuse me—chimpanzee—get a social security card?” She stared at the social security card in her hand with disbelief.

"The internet, baby,” he answered with a slick smile.

"Look, can we get down to business, please?” Breathred begged before things could deteriorate any worse than they already had.

"Come with me.” Dr. Grayson turned her back to them not waiting for the rebuke she knew the chimp had boiling in his throat.

She led them to the back of the classroom where a set of double doors led to her private office. The office was separated into two parts. A small desk and filing cabinet sat to one side. The other side of the room was dominated by a long table full of artifacts obviously from her various digs. Grayson immediately led the trio to the far end of the table, stopping in front of a broken slab of stone.

Once they were settled, she started, “Two years ago, while on a dig in Canada, I unearthed the tablet I'm about to show you. While this is commonplace on most digs, this particular tablet proved older than anything ever found in the northern hemisphere of the Americas. It even predates the pyramids.