Mistrust (38 page)

“Hey,” I call to him as I look between him and Luke who’s now moved to the slippery slide. There are a couple of other boys playing and they’re all talking together. “Reece.” The hard and rigid lines of his body tell me how angry he is, at himself more than anyone. “Reece.”

He looks up and I see his shoulders visibly rise as he takes a deep breath. He heads back and comes directly to me. “I’m sorry, Dakota. I should’ve protected you, I should’ve tried to find you. I shouldn’t have let this happen to you. If I had just gone out looking for you, then maybe . . .” His eyes go to the ground, and he bites the inside of his cheek.

“You can’t say these things. How were you to know? You couldn’t have. No one could’ve, except for the person who did this.”

“He’s not a person. He’s a damned animal. Dakota, I need to hug you,” he whispers. “I know how you are, and that you’re still not sure of me, but I need to hold you. Please.”

He makes no attempt to move, he simply holds my gaze. Silently begging for me to allow him. A rush of energy surges inside of me. It’s more like a nervous fire bubbling inside, ready to explode. A strength I never knew I had. One that was once stolen, and slowly, Reece is giving back to me. He’s shown me over and over again that I have the power to move forward by not pushing me or making unrealistic demands.

Stepping forward I go straight into his welcome embrace. “Thank you,” he whispers against my hair.

I tighten my hands around his waist and bury my head into his strong chest. His arms wind around me as he binds me to him. At this moment in time, everything feels right. He feels right.
We
feel right.

“Reece, is Dakota your girlfriend?” Luke asks. Opening my eyes, I notice he’s standing right beside us.

“Yes, she is,” Reece replies. “Now scoot and go play.”

“She’s got girl germs. You’re gonna have yucky girl germs if you kiss her. Ewww, are you going to kiss her? That’s gross.”

“Go away,” Reece playfully barks at Luke.

“Reece has got girl germs. Reece has got girl germs. Reece has got girl germs,” Luke happily sings as he skips back to the swing.

“Sorry about him,” Reece says. “He can be a bit much.”

“I’m not your girlfriend, Reece. Why would you tell him I was?”

“You may not be my girlfriend now, but you will be.”

I let go and step back, shaking my head with worry. “You’d be better off finding someone who can give you the things I can’t.” I hope he gets what I’m trying to say.

He frowns and steps closer to me again. “It’s not all about sex, Dakota. Jesus, what do you take me for?”

“I didn’t mean it like that. But let’s be perfectly clear. We . . .” I point to him and then back to myself. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to be intimate with you the way you’d want.”

He shakes his head like I’ve slapped him across the face. “What?”

“You’re going to want our relationship to progress further, and there’s no way I can tell you when or even, if, I’ll ever be ready for that. Please, do us both a favor and pick someone else who can give you everything you need.”

“What we have isn’t based on sex. And truthfully I don’t want someone if the basis of our relationship is sex.”

“I can’t give you what you want,” I almost yell at him, but look around and make sure no one can hear us. “I’m barely breathing as it is. I struggle to get through every day without thinking about that night. That night changed my life, the night that took everything good I knew and dirtied it. I’m broken. I’m disgusting for fuck’s sake. It’s brought me to my damn knees; it’s ruined me.”

“I know. I can see it in the way you behave now. You’re only a shadow of the girl I knew before. But she’s still in there. She may be frightened, and she may even feel as if she’s drowning. But I’m here for her.”

“Stop,” I say with my eyes stinging and my breath caught in my chest.

“You know why I’m here for her?” I shake my head, not wanting to use my voice because I know it’ll crack and I’ll cry. “Because that girl is here.” He steps forward, lifts my hand and places it over his heart. “She’s been there since the first time I saw her. Do you know when that was?”

“No,” I whisper, looking down and using my shoes as a focal point rather than looking at the beautiful boy standing in front of me.

“The day I moved to this town and started school. You walked into class—grade four—wearing a yellow sundress with your hair in a high ponytail. You looked at me, smiled and asked me if I was new to the school.”

“I don’t remember,” I admit, more than a little ashamed. Embarrassed, because Reece remembers everything, and I remember nothing.

“I do. I remember every word you said, even the way you smiled at me. My heart knows you, Dakota, it belongs to you.”

“Don’t make this any harder than it has to be. Please, forget me, Reece. I can’t give you what you need.”

“Feel the way my heart beats.” He presses my hand further to his chest. “It only beats for you. No one else holds it in their hand the way you do.”

“Reece.”

“Don’t! Don’t tell me you don’t feel anything for me because I know you do. I also know it may take you years to feel free with me, but I’m willing to wait because of this.” He taps his hand on mine. “This will never belong to anyone else. Ever.” I look into his intense brown eyes. They hold a promise, an abundance of hope that everything will work out. “Have enough faith in me to get you through this until you find your strength again.”

I can’t believe it, but more damn tears spill as I step into Reece’s space and hug him. “I’ll try,” I say, finally admitting how I feel about him.

His lips brush against my forehead and he whispers, “You, Dakota, put a spell on me when I was nine years old. Now, you damn well own me.”

“I never knew you felt like this about me.”

“You’re the girl every guy wants. And when you started dating Levi, I was never going to say anything because he was my best friend and I thought you two were happy. I’d never come between you and your happiness. You mean way too much to me for that.”

“Reece, you have a very high opinion of me. You shouldn’t.”

“And you have to stop this. What happened to you is not who you are. What happened is a major hurdle, one we have to overcome. But it doesn’t define you unless you let it.”

“How can you still want me after everything I’ve told you? Someone forced themselves inside me, he took something that I can never give to anyone again; he stole it. But you’re standing here, holding me and telling me I’ve been in your heart since we were kids.”

“Because, Dakota, you’ve captured my heart. No one else has ever been able to do that, and no one has ever kept it captive for as long as you have. It’s been seven years, and I still l . . .” he stops, catching himself before he says something he may regret, or isn’t ready to say. He regroups and says, “It’s always been you.”

“I don’t know what to say. Where do we go from here?”

“From here? We go and play with my brother, who will say things that will embarrass me and may even be awkward enough to make you cringe.”

I can’t help but chuckle. “Oh no, what else is he going to say?”

“No one knows with Luke. He says what he thinks.”

I take a few seconds to regroup. “You know what I mean, Reece. Where do
we
go from here?”

“We take one day at a time, be completely honest with each other, and talk about everything.”

Normal teenage guys don’t want to talk, or take one day at a time. They’d be ready and happy to make me Miss Right Now, but Reece is so different from anyone else I know. “I really like this, and I’m pretty sure I really like you,” I tease him.

“Pretty sure?” He moves his hand down to my waist and applies gentle pressure while snaking his other hand down my lower back and gripping onto me. “Do you want to change that?” He playfully digs his fingers into my side, tickling while supporting me.

“No, I think I’ll stick to ‘pretty sure.’”

“Tsk, tsk, tsk. I gave you a chance, Dakota.” His moves his fingers, tickling me in earnest now. Giggling, I wriggle around in his grip, but he has a firm hold on me so I won’t fall, or get away
.

“Stop, stop,” I beg through laughter.

“Not until you say you like me.” He digs in further, and I can’t help but double over and try to curl into a ball so he stops tickling me.

“You’re alright,” I push him, teasing further.

“What? This is going backward, not in the direction it’s supposed to.” He mercilessly jabs my side with his long fingers.

“Alright, alright. Stop tickling me.”

Reece lets up enough for me to catch my breath and stand straight. My cheeks are hurting from laughing so much, and a few tears fall out of my eyes from all the laughter. “So, tell me you like me.”

“Ilikeyou,” I mumble in a low voice all in one long word.

“Oh no, that’s so not good enough.” He brings me in tight to him, and his fingers move quickly to start tickling me again.

“Okay, okay. I like you.” God, he’s a pain in the butt.
A fun pain in the butt.

His hands loosen around my waist and he smiles at me. “See, that wasn’t too bad, was it?’

“’Spose not.” I scrunch my nose and look away, pretending I’m disgusted with him.

“Do I need to tickle you again?”

“No!” I shriek. “Yeah, I like you.”

Reece’s face lights up as he proudly smiles at me. “Let’s make it official. I want you to be my girlfriend.”

“Are you asking me? Because that doesn’t sound like a question, more like a statement.”

He shrugs, links our fingers and starts walking over to Luke. “Whatever.”

“You have to ask me then wait for my answer before you can make it a statement.”

He flicks his wrist dismissively at me. “Semantics, that’s all it is. If you say no today, you’ll say yes next time.” He’s playing with me, hiding his fear of a negative response.

“Huh, interesting.” My lips turn down and I nod my head. “And here I thought I had a choice.”

“You’ll always have a choice, Dakota. If your answer is no, then I’ll keep asking until it’s a yes. See, choice. I’m a very giving guy.” He squeezes my hand.

“Giving, huh?”

“Yeah, really giving. You say no, and I’ll give you another chance to say yes. Keep saying no, I’ll keep giving you chances to say yes.”

“What if I never say yes?”

“Pfft, that’s crazy people talk. There’s no reason for you to not say yes. I’m great boyfriend material.” I start laughing so hard, I begin to cough. He pats me on the back, helping me settle my coughing fit. “See, I can make you laugh. One tick for excellent boyfriend material.”

We reach Luke, who’s talking to one of his new friends and Reece offers to push him on the swing. Luke happily leaves the conversation he was having, and hops up on the swing waiting for Reece to push him again.

“See? Good boyfriend material.”

“What’s happening?” Luke asks.

“I’m trying to convince Dakota to be my girlfriend. Can you help me out, buddy?’

“Sure. Reece told Mommy he thinks he loves you.”

My eyes widen and my mouth gapes open while I stare at Reece. His face is exactly a reflection of mine. “Buddy, that’s not really helping. What did we talk about?” Reece’s face changes to a very red hue.

“Hey, we’re not supposed to lie.”

“No we’re not, but we don’t have to repeat everything we hear, either.”

“Oh. Um, sorry.” Luke looks at me and adds, “He thinks you’re really pretty. And he
didn’t
tell Mommy he thinks he loves you. He also
didn’t
tell Miles how he thinks you’re the girl for him.”

“Buddy, stop talking now.”

I crack up. I start laughing hard. Reece’s face is beyond humiliated, and Luke truly has no idea what he’s said.

A few minutes pass and the only one who’s having fun is Luke, being pushed higher and higher on the swing. When I stop laughing, and Reece can look me in the eyes again, I walk around to where he’s pushing Luke. “I like you too,” I whisper.

His face is still a pretty shade of horrified pink, but at least he smiles when I tell him.

Smiling to myself, a tiny part of me feels like a normal sixteen-year-old teenaged girl. Some might even say, happy.

The last few weeks have flown by. It’s the second to last week before the new school year starts, and panic has begun to set in.

I told Mom and Dad about Reece and me, and surprisingly, they’re both really cool about it. Mom launched into the ‘sex’ talk, but after convincing her I’m nowhere near ready for that, she dropped the whole subject. She did say for me to come to her when I’m ready. I felt guilty when she was being so understanding, because really, I don’t know how long it’ll be before that will happen.
If ever.

Sam told me Mom gave her the same talk, considering Taylor’s been hanging around here at home with her. Sam said she cringed when Mom brought up sex, which in turn, made me laugh at Sam.

Today we’re all here. We’ve had lunch and we’re hanging in the pool. Reece is here with Luke, Taylor’s here and so is Sophie.

“Your parent’s are the best to let us all hang out here,” Reece says while he keeps an eye on Luke, who’s paddling around like a champion.