Mockingbird (6 page)

Now Caitlin
—

Is there anything else
?

Well if nothing else,
Mrs. Brook says
, time helps.

But I didn’t ask if there was nothing else. I asked if there was anything else.
I start shaking my hands because the world is spinning and if I shake my hands faster than the rest of the world then the world’s spinning doesn’t seem so fast. Devon says it makes no sense but it makes sense to me.

I thought I was the one who was special and everyone else was normal. I almost ask her what normal people do but I suppose that would not work for me anyway.
That doesn’t help.

She touches my shaking hand and I pull it away.
Something will come to you Caitlin,
she says.
There’s a solution out there with your name written on it.

I look around her room for my name.

I’m sorry,
she says,
I don’t mean that your name will actually be written on anything
.
But you’ll think of something.

I give a big sigh and say,
Fine. I will figure it out myself.

But I have no clue how.

We walk together on the playground and Mrs. Brook talks but I can’t hear her. I’m thinking too hard about Closure. When the bell rings I stand there sucking my sleeve until I remember I have a maybe friend and I go find Michael. He’s on the jungle gym but comes over to me when I do our wave.

He shrugs
. I don’t know. He seems extra happy.

Michael shakes his head
. I don’t feel lucky. I feel bad because I’m not happy all the time like he is. Like I’m supposed to be. He always wants to do something like throw a football or play Frisbee or go bowling and sometimes I just don’t want to do that stuff because I’m sad.

Thank you.
I smile.
That’s MY manners. And that reminds me. Here are YOUR stickers. They’re of the planets. Some of them glow in the dark.

He looks at the stickers.
Whoa. I LOVE these! Thank you Caitlin!

 

 

When Dad drives me home from school I look at the sign in front of the church we used to go to. It says,
OUR HEARTS are still with the families of Julianne, Devon and Roberta.
Except
OUR HEARTS
couldn’t do anything to save Devon’s Heart. Maybe that’s why Dad drives past.

I need to figure out Closure.

CHAPTER 13

TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD

I’M STANDING IN FRONT OF Devon’s door. Whenever I don’t know what to do I go to Devon’s room and ask him. I REALLY want to know about Closure. And I don’t know who else to ask.

Except Devon’s not here.

But his room is.

I haven’t been inside since Dad slammed the door on The Day Our Life Fell Apart. I know that means Dad doesn’t want me to go in but I don’t know why. Even though the door doesn’t have my name on it I want to be with Devon. I need to be with Devon. And I know Devon would open his door for me.

I put my hand on the doorknob. It’s cool and strong. I hold it awhile like I’m holding Devon’s hand. Like I did when I followed him into his room and he let me draw while he did his homework as long as I didn’t talk or hum or make weird mouth noises. I close my eyes and promise the door that I will not talk or hum or make weird mouth noises and I turn the knob. After a cracking sound the door opens.

When I push my head into the soft blue blur of his room I can smell him and feel him and I smile. It’s like pure Devon in here. I go all the way in and quietly shut the door behind me.

There is the beanbag chair where Devon always sits. And the books on the floor that Dad threw there. And the bed which is never made because Devon hates making his bed. And the shelf with his trophies. Baseball. Basketball. Boy Scouts.

I look around the walls that are full of my pictures. He still has stuff taped up that I did in preschool. I don’t know why. They’re really bad. I can do so much better now. The bird I drew when I was four hardly even looks like a bird. Now I can draw a bird that looks real. Last year Dad entered the eagle I drew in a grown-up art show and it won first prize. Dad and Devon were so happy I was sure they got confused and thought they’d drawn the bird themselves. But they didn’t because Devon said,
You may be the best artist in Virginia,
and Dad said so too.

Devon even said that by the time I’m an adult I might be the best artist in the country! I remember where he was sitting when he said it. Right there. In the blue beanbag chair with the plastic cover that feels weird and makes fart noises when you slide into it. It’s Devon’s favorite place to sit. Not mine.

I turn around and I see it. My hidey-hole. The best place in the world. If there’s a thunderstorm or fireworks or a lot of sirens Devon lets me sit in the hidey-hole in the corner between the foot of his bed and his dresser. He even used his Boy Scout knife to carve my name underneath his dresser where Dad can’t see it and get mad because you’re not supposed to use stickers on the furniture and Devon says it’s a pretty safe bet that the No Stickers On The Furniture rule applies to knives also.

I decide to get in my hidey-hole and slide all the way underneath the dresser and look up at my name and feel it. It’s not my real name. It’s Devon’s name for me which is Scout. It’s from
To Kill a Mockingbird
because he loves that movie. It has two kids in it: Jem and Scout. They are a brother and a sister and there is a father too and a lady I used to think was the mother who is always in the kitchen except when she leaves every night to go take care of her other children. I thought maybe that’s where my mother went. To take care of her other children. And she had trouble with directions like me and couldn’t find the way back here again. I asked Devon about it and he said that was crazy and I shouldn’t blame Mom for having cancer and dying. She didn’t want to die. I said Scout and Jem should be nicer to their mom because she is probably dying of cancer and one day will not be able to come back and fix them breakfast. He said,
She’s a maid!
but she still seems like a mom to me.

The dad has funny glasses and is always dressed up and doesn’t get mad even when people spit in his face. I wish Dad wouldn’t shout when I throw things at him. And he shot a dog. Jem and Scout’s dad I mean. But Devon said it was a sick dog who would attack them and make them all die. I guess sometimes it’s good to shoot things. But not Devon. Devon was not going to attack anyone or make them die.

Devon is like Jem. A lot like Jem. He even looks like Jem. Except Devon’s nose got broken playing baseball. And I don’t know what color Jem’s hair or eyes actually are because the movie is in black and white which means mostly gray. Devon’s hair is brown and people say his eyes are big and beautiful and brown but really there’s a lot of black and white in his eyes. I like things in black and white. Black and white is easier to understand. All that color is too confusing.

I look a little like Scout. I looked more like Scout when I was seven and Devon cut my hair like hers except Dad said not to do that ever ever again. I didn’t mind the haircut. I would not like to wear a ham costume like Scout had to in the movie however but if I did I know Devon would take care of me like Jem did even if someone tried to stop him with a knife like the bad guy in the movie. I wonder if Devon was trying to help someone like me when the bad guy with the bullet stopped him.

The first time we watched
To Kill a Mockingbird
I waited through the whole movie for the dad to shoot a mockingbird. He’d already shot a dog. And he was a good shot. No one shot a bird for the whole entire movie. At the end I said it was the stupidest name ever for a movie. Devon said I didn’t know what I was talking about. This year he read it in English and he said the title makes perfect sense and this is what it means:

I still didn’t Get It and said,
But you told me the dog was sick and he WAS going to hurt them.

And Devon said,
It’s not about the dog! It’s about people! You shouldn’t hurt innocent people Scout. That’s what it means.

I guess the evil school shooters didn’t listen in English class because they did not Get the meaning of that book at all.

CHAPTER 14

MY SKILLS

WE ARE AT RECESS AND I THINK Mrs. Brook might have Asperger’s too because she is very persistent which is one of my skills. She is stuck on her Let’s Make Friends idea even though I am making it very clear with my eyes that I am no longer interested in this conversation. All I want to talk about is Closure because even though I got to be in my hidey-hole again I still didn’t find Closure. All Mrs. Brook talks about is the many ways to make friends. I suck on my sleeve but she says that’s not one of them.

Friends give comfort to each other. Friends help solve problems. You can share so much with friends,
she says in her Nice Voice.

Like gummy worms?
I feel in my pocket and I have three worms.

I think about how much people might laugh at me if I shared thoughts and ideas.
Why?

I sigh.
Do you want to hear the whole list?

I sigh again.
It’s long.

Fine.
I tell her my list and make my head go back and forth like a
ticktock
of the clock.

Drawing.
Tick
.

Memorizing stuff.
Tock.

Remembering stuff other people forget.
Tick.

Looking stuff up in books and the computer.
Tock.

Being helpful.
Tick.

Hearing stuff that other people can’t.
Tock.

Being nice.
Tick.

Being honest.
Tock.

Reading.
Tick.

Fixing cereal the right way.
Tock.

Seeing stuff that other people don’t see.
Tick.

Loading the dishwasher.
Tock.

Being persistent.
I Look At The Person
. Like I want Closure NOT friends.
Tick.

Mrs. Brook is all excited about my list and tells me how to share my skills with other people. I don’t really listen because she didn’t listen to my hint about Closure.

After a while I hear her voice again.
Caitlin. Let’s observe the interpersonal skills that are going on around us right now.

I squint where she’s pointing.

Mrs. Brook’s head does its turtle jerk.
The girl in the red jacket has her arm around the girl in jeans. Right?

Oh.
How can she tell that so fast and easily? It must be why she’s a counselor.

We watch some other interpersonal skills on the playground. One boy kicks a stone. Mrs. Brook says he is angry because obviously he wanted to tag everyone out but didn’t. I don’t think it’s obvious at all. I think it’s dangerous to kick a stone though. Mrs. Brook says it’s okay to do it just once and look how quickly he rejoined the game isn’t that nice?

She makes me start guessing what people are thinking which is a stupid game because how am I supposed to know what’s going on inside their heads?

She points to some girls who are standing in a circle talking and giggling LOUD. They are bent.
What do you think they’re feeling?

She Looks At The Person.