Moho (Part One: Rise of a Symbol) (26 page)

"It makes sense that you feel bitter. I mean, damn! No matter what you did, it all went wrong, didn’t it? You must be so angry at me. I ended up getting everything.”

“I wouldn’t want to be the phony you are. Has that other phony already tried to cozy up to you again?” she asks but I don’t know what she is talking about and she notices that. “Maya? You do realize that she will come back to you, now that being with you will give her a level of fame that becoming a Creator could never give her. I feel like you should bow to me. You should thank me. Everything you do from now on as ‘The Savior’ is because of me. I made you.”

I have to laugh at that comment but also realize that her analytical thinking is quite sharp. She observes my laughter for a moment before she joins it.

Suddenly, hundreds of feet and hands start pushing from the other side against the mesh that forms the walls — her Emotionclones coming for me. Maybe this is the right time to leave.

“Before I go
—” I start but I can’t stop looking at the jiggling wall behind her and so she knows that I've understood what she is up to.

“Oh, you are going nowhere. By the time I’m done with you, my emotions of rage and anger and hate will have damaged your mind so badly that you won’t even remember your own name,” she says slowly with delight. The first feet and hands break through the mesh behind her and the first dozen or so Emotionclones find their way into the Memoryspiral. I need a plan… quick!

“But didn’t you say you’re looking forward to ‘The Age of Moho’,” I say as confident as possible but I’m rather begging. “I’ll need my mind for that, won’t I?”

“A little insanity won’t hurt,” she responds. “The best tyrants were a bit … how should I say… a bit off the beaten path.”

I swallow. What now? More and more Emotionclones stream into the space. She holds them back but they are piling up behind her, trying to grab me, unable to keep themselves in check.

“What if you join me?” I beg.

“Oh, I’m not gonna fall for this. I don’t care about you any more. You’re not worth it, you never were,” she says. “You don’t deserve my love.”

And I really don’t want it, trust me. Well, that didn’t work either…

By now hundreds of doubles of herself, overflowing with rage and anger and hatred, are stretching their hands towards me.

“You know, I must say, giving yourself into the palm of your enemy was quiet a gutsy move for a coward like you,” she says and gives me one last vicious smile before she yells, “but now it’s time to crush you!”

As those last words leave her mouth, she drowns in the wave of Emotionclones that is rushing towards me.

I sprint and stumble and race and trip and run and fall as I'm trying to make my way towards the safety of the Memorystream which appears unreachably far away. Essencestrings hanging from the ceiling and trunks of Thoughttrees lying on the floor make my escape an ordeal. Soon I’m out of breath and I get side stitches. I’m gasping for air. My lungs hurt. But I can’t pause or
Pax’s emotions are going to take my sanity. I turn around to see how far behind they are and see that my head start is melting with each millisecond.

While my head is turned back, I feel my lower leg hitting the trunk of a Thoughttree and my face hits the floor. Emotionclones reach the Thoughttree immediately and I realize it’s too late. I crawl into the nearest Memorybubble to my right but the Emotionclones can still see me. They come to a halt outside the Memorybubble and press their angry faces against the surface of the Memorybubble. For some reason they don’t come inside… Then the real Pax appears but even she doesn’t bother to come inside. She just smiles at me and walks away. What am I missing? Pax walks over to the nearest wall, sticks her hands through the mesh and tears a huge hole into it. I hear a loud bang and another horde of Emotionclones rush towards me - except that none of them are angry. They are all jumping and dancing and laughing.
They must represent ecstasy. I’m downright happy to see them in this bleak space. They run straight towards me and they don’t stop at the Memorybubble. They come inside! I look at the memory playing in the Memorybubble and it’s like the Emotionclones are mirrored in it. It shows Pax dancing. Those ecstatic emotions were part of the creation of the memory and so they can enter it whereas all the anger, rage and hate emotions can't. Run!

From now on I try to stay inside Memorybubbles. The Emotionclones have caught up with me but so far I’m not running into any angry, hateful or ecstatic memories and so they can’t come in and get me. But after a while, I first run out of breath and have to stop running several times, and then I run out of luck when the row of Memorybubbles I’ve been running through suddenly ends. That’s it… What now?

I can see the next Memorybubble from the Memorybubble I’m in but there are Emotionclones between the two Memorybubbles. I’m so close to the Memorystream. Pax lets me know that she knows how close I am to the Memorystream when she walks past my Memorybubble. To my surprise, all the Emotionclones follow her and suddenly I’m alone again. I run into the other Memorybubble and I am a few steps closer to the Memorystream. There is a giant Memorybubble forming in the Memorystream right now, probably ten times my height and hundreds of raging Emotionclones are storming into it. Then the Memorybubble rolls away from the Memorystream and deeper into the space towards me. Unfortunately, this giant Memorybubble blocks my view of Pax and her army of Emotionclones. I probably could see them again and I would be closer to the Memorystream if I ran into this giant new Memorybubble but all angry Emotionclones would be able to get to me inside of it. And then it stops being an option. The Memorybubble lights up and a web of electricity spans around it until the whole Memorybubble turns into a giant yellow-white ball. Next, the Memorybubble bursts and reveals Pax who is standing behind it. Now she is heading towards me. There are no Memorybubbles left between me and the Memorystream to jump into. When she reaches my Memorybubble, she doesn’t come inside but puts her hand on the surface of the Memorybubble. The floor around her lights up. It’s like electricity is flowing from the floor through her body into the Memorybubble. She destroyed this giant Memorybubble. And she is going to destroy the one I'm in as well! I turn around and want to head back into the Memorybubble I was in before but that’s not an option any more either! The walls in the back of the Memoryspiral burst open and thousands of Emotionclones flow into the space like streams of water through little holes. They represent every imaginable emotion and form a colorful wave of destruction. The wave heads towards us and swallows every Memorybubble, Thoughttree, Imaginationcloud and Essencestring in its way. Now there is nothing left for me to escape into.

The only thing I can think of is escape into the darkness below me. I put my hands on the floor just like Pax put hers on the Memorybubble and the electricity starts flowing, lighting up the floor below me. The Memorybubble bursts and so does the floor under
my feet. I fall into the darkness of subconscious.

I don't fall for long, though, because gravity pulls me back towards the hole in the floor. Now I'm standing on the floor again, just on the other side of it. It's like all gravity is contained in the mesh of the floor.

For a second it's entirely quiet but then I first hear Pax scream and then hundreds of her Emotionclones come screaming through the hole in the floor to catch me. I run all the way towards the Memorystream before I touch the floor again to make another hole but there isn't much electricity in her subconscious. I'm pressing my hands into the soft floor so that no electricity gets wasted and yet, before the floor bursts, I feel a hand on my ankle and a piercing pain in my head. An Emotionclone has grabbed me. I’m not sure what happens next but more Emotionclones get a hold of me. My head is in excruciating pain.

The floor finally bursts and I see how I push myself out of the new hole and jump into the Memorystream. Pax sees that I've made it into safety and goes on a rampage in her own mind. Flashes of lightning shoot from the floor to the ceiling, from left to right and obliterate the mesh. Then the wave of Emotionclones swallows her and everything turns dark.

I wake up in the cave. Pax is still lying next to me and moves uncontrollably, like she is having a night terror. Vijay gives me a hand and I stand up. She is struggling, winding herself into painful looking position. We watch her until she stops moving.

“Oh, thank The Spring! You’ve made it," Vijay sighs.

“Yeah, part of me at least…” I say.

After we've left the cave, I have to turn around once more. Pax isn’t moving any more. She just lies there, curled up in her dirty clothes on the cold floor in a corner of the empty cave. The cool light of the tiny Glowing Stone shines on her scruffy hair. What a tragic ending.

Then Vijay moves the stone back into place to lock her up. Pax is alone once more.

Vijay goes straight to bed. He doesn’t want to talk about what happened and where that leaves us. I can’t blame him. It’s maybe around midnight but I’m not tired and probably won’t be able to sleep tonight anyway. Instead of following him into the dorm, I end up in front of the temple. What would I want here? I’m about to leave when the blue light appears next to my waist and disappears into the temple. One of the last times I followed it, it lead me straight to Ravi. I’m glad it’s E-Week and we have no Meditosis sessions scheduled, so I’m not sure what I would want inside the temple, especially at this hour. Still, I eventually end up following the blue light for some reason. I shouldn’t be surprised that Ravi is sitting in the middle of the temple, meditating but I don’t think he normally spends his nights in the temple. Tonight, however, he isn’t the only one here. About thirty, forty other Islanders, sitting in small groups or by themselves, are scattered throughout the dark space. A few people whisper a word here and there but otherwise it’s total silence. I wonder why people still whisper considering they could use TNOP to transfer their thoughts without making a sound. Then again, I actually prefer the spoken word myself.

Ravi and my eyes cross which makes me feel obligated to talk to him. He probably wasn’t waiting for me to disturb his meditation because when I sit down next to him, he takes a deep breath and looks at me impatiently.

“What are you doing here at this hour?” I wonder out loud.

“Preventive Meditosis,” he says and lets his eyes slowly wander from left to right and back. I take another look at the Islanders he is looking at and see Maya sitting in a corner with an older woman. The two are staring at each other, probably using TNOP. 

“The mere thought of the myriad mental diseases
Pax’s invasion may have transmitted causes nightmares… Sleep is hard to come by these days - at least for the thinkers among us. Which raises the question ‘How is it that The Savior cannot find sleep?’” he asks without looking at me.

Ugh, Ravi, really? I’m used to him looking down at me but it makes less and less sense to me. He doesn’t need to put me down. Between the two of us, he is clearly the one with more authority.

“So you believe The Prophet?” I inquire. “I’ve heard most people do.”

“I am a rarity in this matter - as I am in nearly all matters,” he says calmly.

“I appreciate your rareness in this particular matter.”

“Aziz is developing into a promising potential Creator under my superior leadership,” Ravi claims. “The sophisticated few among us expect you to resolve this unfortunate misunderstanding.”

“Has it ever occurred to you that I may be The Savior?” I ask him.

“You even failed at the attempt to eradicate the revenge parasite Pax infected you with,” he
snaps.

“As it happens, I’ve just discovered a much easier way to free myself of this parasite. Did you know there is electricity in CEBOS?” I ask.

“Obviously,” he responds.

“Then why didn’t you tell me about that? You just have to touch whatever you want to destroy and it explodes. It’s so fast and easy,” I tell him.

“Purifying you essence takes time, focus, and the right experiences,” he explains.

“Well, I’ve wasted enough of my time with you in this temple making the same experiences day in, day out.”

“Evidently you did not focus on Meditosis while you were here.”

“Let us focus on the fact that I was here. Anyway, as it turns out, it’s super easy to make holes into the mesh. So I’m just gonna throw everything I don’t want in my mind into the darkness below it,” I say.

That got his attention. For the first time in the conversation, Ravi looks straight into my eyes. His eyes are very alert.

“I want you to listen to me very carefully. Never throw anything into the subconscious. The subconscious will take what the mind doesn’t need any longer - but what the mind no longer needs and when the mind no longer needs it is not your decision to make,” he warns me. His shaky forefinger is almost touching my nose
, making me feel slightly threatened. I’ve never seen Ravi so passionate about anything before.

“Maybe my mind is too slow and needs a nudge,” I suggest with hunched shoulders.

“I would be the last person to deny the slowness of your mind but you cannot follow through with your plan. Throwing something into the subconscious is like throwing something into the crater of an active volcano. No one knows when, but someday the volcano is going to erupt and that something you've thrown in there will come back to the surface. The dangers of shortcuts in one’s mental development are difficult to overestimate. Do not manipulate your mind! One day your parasite will burst back into your mind and we all better be gone when it does - including you!"

“Ravi, calm down! I didn’t even know you had a temper to lose,” I say utterly surprised. What’s going on with him? He
is usually so lethargic. And was that odd volcano allegory a reference to the arena and the Holo Holo Nalii final that Vijay and I went to? This is the third time that he has declared his discomfort with his twin brother’s unconfirmed interests.

He catches himself quickly but looks away. It’s almost like a little Vijay
is living inside of him.

"You know what? You’re right. I didn't focus on Meditosis. But is that surprising? You said that all it takes to get happy is to keep one's needs satisfied but you don't seem happy at all! I'm not even sure if I've ever seen you smile. All you do all day long is frown, be serious
, and talk down to people. You are really not recommending your lifestyle," I snap, but I can see that he is completely unfazed by my words. “I find it curious that you're so concerned with the essence and the mind… How do you know if what you claim is true?” I ask. Without looking at me, he stands up and leaves the temple. The more that I learn about the twins, the less sense they seem to make. And how does The Spring create twins anyway?

Maya and the woman are still
staring at each other. The fact that I still know Maya tells me she didn’t fulfill my wish. As ‘off the beaten path’ as Pax is, I can’t help but ask myself if my fake stardom causes Maya to second-guess her decision for both The Spring and against me. Either way, I’ll stick to my plan and so I go into my Happinessmeter.

I’ve successfully avoided my Happinessmeter since my fight with Maya. One reason is that there hasn't been much happiness to measure since then. The other reason is that the activities that did make me happy
were probably satisfying the wrong need. 

The space used to be the only cozy place in CEBOS
, but now it is much larger than a cycle ago. The Nine Navee Needs have changed quite a bit as well. My need for tranquility is quite large, which isn’t surprising since I have a knack for sleeping to exhaustion. The same can be said of my need for curiosity. The reasons are all around me, all day. I sleep on Glowing Stones, eat fruits containing entire meals, drink beverages that grow on bushes, move atoms without touching them and transmit memories, thoughts, and mental images by pure will. Oh, and then there is CEBOS.

The sculptures supposedly representing my needs for power, status, social contact
, and acceptance, are smaller but they have certainly grown quite a bit lately. My new role as Savior definitely helped. There are plenty of Memorybubbles from this night satisfying those needs.

If it wasn’t for the Essencestring at which end it is hanging on, I wouldn’t be able to find my need for idealism. I’m curious to find out if it will ever
be satisfied since the nebulous ways of The Spring, which is the source of satisfaction for most Islanders, won’t ever be mine.

The two other needs, creation and order, are quite meager as well. I can see a few Memorybubbles showing images from the sessions.

My assumption about which need all those memories of Holo Holo Nalii and Kumu Hanalii satisfied proves true - my need for revenge is probably ten times the size it was in the beginning of the cycle. I’m glad Ravi isn’t here to see the success of his ‘effort’. When I look at the Memorybubbles satisfying and growing this need, I look at the root for pretty much every problem I’ve faced all cycle. One of the biggest Memorybubbles feeding my need for revenge is from the night I almost choked Pax. It ends with my stupid ‘try me’ comment. I probably would have never said that if it hadn't been for this need. Every bad decision I’ve made is rooted from there - and the next cycle will begin without this root. I grab it and pull but all it does is swing back and forth. So I climb up my need for revenge. When I stand on top of it, I jump up and down. I can hear something breaking inside the Essencestring but it’s not enough. So I grab the Essencestring where it is attached to the ceiling and swing back and forth until it bursts. The soft mesh of the floor provides a soft landing for me and my need. My head doesn’t even hit anything in the process but it still hurts a little. Then I use the trick I’ve learned in Pax‘s mind to make a hole into the floor and watch my need for revenge disappear into the darkness of my subconscious. While I’m watching it slowly disappear in the darkness, I notice how a few Essencestrings glimmer in my subconscious. Their light is reflected in something that looks like broken pieces. I’ve seen that before with Pax and I remember how the fact that my subconscious wasn’t empty when we set up CEBOS put this smirk on her face… But I’ve experienced so much more in the meantime that I probably shouldn’t be surprised that my subconscious isn’t empty any more.

Anyway - that was easy. A trip into
Pax‘s mind at an earlier time would have saved me a lot of trouble and Meditosis. For the first time I feel like I could teach Ravi something, that is if he wasn’t so dismissive of me.

I’m about to leave when I notice an opening in the wall across the space. That has to be new. It’s small, just big enough for me to squeeze through. It’s as dark as in front of my Wall
of Secrets with the only source of light being seven Essencestrings that are hanging from the ceiling. There are five small needs and two larger ones. One looks like a bunch of grapes and is filled with Memorybubbles showing the happy moments in the otherwise horrific nightmares I had about the death of my family. The one next to it consists of two spheres that are interlocked and the Memorybubbles inside the need show Maya. Another one is basically a little bag with an opening at the top. All Memorybubbles inside the bag show my Springstone which is the only object I own. Then there is a need containing only a single Memorybubble which shows The Vow. The Vow… I had almost forgotten about it. Did I actually break it? What I do know is that I didn’t notice any consequences. The last one shows moments where I skipped sessions.

From the two bigger needs, one is certainly supposed to represent eating since that’s the only activity its Memorybubbles show. The second is probably physical exercise because it contains memories of Crystal Cave but not of Kumu Hanalii for CEBOS and the only difference between the two I can think of is the lack of physical exercise in the latter.

As far as I can tell, those needs are family, romance, saving, honor, independence, eating, and physical exercise. None of them harm other people so they should be with the other needs if they were navee needs. And why is, for instance, the need for eating among them? Doesn’t everyone need to eat? Since they are hidden, I assume they are considered ‘parasites’. I would ask Ravi if I wasn’t afraid that he might lock me in the temple to meditate for the rest of my existence. However, now I know that I have seventeen needs. Tranquility, power, status, acceptance, social contact, curiosity, idealism, order, creation, family, romance, physical exercise, saving, eating, independence, honor, and revenge. Well, my need for revenge is history so I really have only sixteen needs. Anyway, I feel like a very complex being all of the sudden.

If I had only known this electricity trick a little earlier, I would have freed Pax of her need for revenge and this cycle would have been much better. Without this need
, she wouldn’t have felt all this anger. Or would those negative emotions have stayed in her Well of Emotions? Are needs and emotions connected or can one feel anger without wanting revenge? It’s probably better not to risk anything and remove all negative emotions from my mind as well.

In contrast to my Happinessmeter, my Well
of Emotions hasn’t changed during the cycle. It’s still the colorful, lively and confusing mess it has always been. I knew that I would see dozens of my doubles in all sizes in here and yet the view of all the Emotionclones still amazes me. It’s almost like an out-of-body experience. When you see the 'present you' in a reflection of yourself, you don’t feel detached from what you see because in that moment, you are self-aware. And when you see a 'past you' in a Memorybubble, you remember yourself in that moment. But when you see the 'present you' multiple times at once and none of those versions are exactly your size or reflects the mix of emotions you’re feeling in that moment, it’s quite strange.

Also,
I wonder what the Well of Emotions is good for. It is great for erasing the emotions I no longer want, but that can’t have been the idea behind it.

I have to squeeze myself through the crowd of my doubles all the way to the opposite wall to get to my Emotionclones representing anger, rage
, and hatred. It’s almost like they knew I was coming for them. I grab the angry version of myself by the neck and want to let it disappear with a little electricity - but I can’t. I can’t destroy something that looks like me, that is a part of me. So I end up doing the same to the three Emotionclones that I’ve done to my need for revenge and let them fall into the darkness of my subconscious. I still can’t believe how easy it is to free myself from cumbersome traits of my personality. Everyone should do it! I feel so much better already.