Mom & Me & Mom (9 page)

She said, “Baby, please forgive me. I don’t care if you marry a donkey; I will never walk off and leave you alone again. I have brought Lottie to meet you. I have told her so much about you and Guy and I want you all to get to know each other. You are both going to love her, I’m sure.”

I was pleased to see Lottie’s face and see her tears of joy.

I cried and the three of us embraced.

Guy came running down the hallway. “Grama, Grama!”

She kissed him and said, “My, how you have grown.”

Tosh appeared. “Welcome,” he said. “We’ve been waiting for you for a long time.”

I know she could have said something sharp but I was very glad she didn’t. We went into the living room and she sat looking around, appraising the room, the furniture, the décor.

I brought her and Aunt Lottie a Scotch and water; Tosh and I joined with wine. Guy had a glass of orange juice. We lifted the glasses to say skoal.

She said, “I have something to say. Ignorance is a terrible thing. It causes families to lose their center and causes people to lose their control. Ignorance knows no binds. Old people, young people, middle-aged, black, white, can all be ignorant. I thought my
daughter was throwing herself away. She has already had a rough life and I thought she was willingly being stupid. Now I hear her beautiful voice and I see how happy Guy is and I appreciate your beautiful home. Please accept my apologies and my thanks to you, Tosh Angelos. I admire you for loving my darling daughter.”

Dinner was a knockout.

“Dancing liberated me and even made me feel as if my body had a reason to be.”

(Maya Angelou, George Faison [of the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater], and Vivian Baxter at Maya Angelou’s Valley Road home, circa 1986)

When I was fifteen years old, I received a scholarship to attend the California Labor School. I studied dance there and it gave me a pleasure I had never known. Music urged my body to move and glide and lift and I followed its persuasion without resistance. I took free lessons as often as I could and when it was deemed that I had grown to an age where lessons had a price, I saved money stingily to afford rent, babysitter, food, records, and dance class. Sometimes I had enough money to take two classes in a month, and at other times, squeezing the eagle until it squawked, I managed to take one class a week.

I stopped dance class for the first few months of married life. My time was filled with learning the ways of my husband and watching the relationship that was developing between him and my son.

I returned to dance, spending only one evening per month. Tosh asked if he could visit the class. I
welcomed him and he brought Guy along. I changed into a leotard and entered the classroom to see them sitting on folding chairs along the wall.

They waited until the class finished. We rode home together. Tosh said, “Obviously you are the best in the class—better than the teacher.”

I was so pleased with the compliment.

For a few months, Tosh accepted the fact that I enjoyed dance. But I found he was less than happy one day when he said he wanted us to go to an Italian restaurant for dinner.

He was surprised when I told him I would not be free for dinner because I had signed up for a dance class. He asked if I was planning a career as a dancer. I said no, but told him the dancing liberated me and even made me feel as if my body had a reason to be. He assured me that that should never be my question. We both laughed at his insinuation and spoke no more about dance class.

Later, Tosh came out of the bathroom slamming the door behind him. I asked what was wrong. We had had no real arguments before. He said the towels were damp and there was no pleasure in trying to dry oneself with a damp towel. I told him we had dry towels and I would have brought him one if he had let me know. He said none of the towels were really dry because I didn’t take the time to dry them properly.

I said nothing but went to the linen closet and was shocked to find all the towels damp and on the floor.

I asked, “How did the towels get on the floor?”

He answered, “I put them there because they were not dry.”

I said, “I had dried them myself.”

He said, “You never had the time to be a proper housewife because you spent too much time in the dance studio.”

I asked, “What do you want me to do?”

He was zipping his pants and buttoning his shirt. He said, “You are never going to be a professional dancer, so I don’t understand why you’re playing with dance. Guy and I need your attention and we deserve it.”

I knew he had dampened the towels himself but I said nothing.

I waited two days and telephoned my mother.

She said, “Oh baby, I was going to telephone you. I’m not happy with the way my business is being run. Maybe you can help me. I’ll be back in San Francisco this weekend and I would like to come to your house on Sunday, okay?”

When Mother arrived, she said, “As the old folk say, ‘When the tabby is away, the rats will play.’ ” Her laughter held no joy.

She said, “I admit I was looking forward to coming home to see my baby and her baby, but when I heard how the rats were playing with my business, it became urgent that I come to San Francisco and right now.”

Tosh said nothing. I asked, “How bad is it?”

She said, “Not unfixable. I’ll light a fire under some butts and they’ll be happy to leave, and I’ll give a little more money to the rest and they’ll be happy to stay.”

Tosh just sat there. I asked more questions to keep the conversation going.

Mother looked at Tosh and stood up. She said, “I’ve got to go. I’ll talk to you later.”

Tosh waved a slight goodbye and I walked her to the door.

I said, “Mother …”

“I know, baby. I know he doesn’t like me. I understand. I’d feel the same about him if he wasn’t so good to you and Guy. Don’t worry, I’ll figure out a way for us to get along.” Giving me a kiss, she walked out onto the steps.

Mother gave a big party to open her house. Guy and I attended. Tosh said he had another engagement. I realized Vivian Baxter was making every effort to be friendly to him, and he had no idea what that effort cost her.

I decided to ignore the fact that they didn’t like each other, but silently I thanked my mother for her courtesy to him. Guy was doing well in school.

My job at the Metropolitan Life Insurance Company gave me a salary, but no pleasure. I had stopped the dance classes at the community center and had reduced my visits to the record shop. My days consisted of work, shopping, cooking, and playing parlor games with Guy and Tosh. I still slipped off to church when I could and I went to see my mother when she had time.

One day the telephone rang. Tosh was home and he answered. His voice became curt as he said, “Sure, sure, sure,” then hung up. He came toward me and his face displayed displeasure. “That was your mother,” he said. “She wants to pick us up and take us to the beach for drinks.”

I said, “Great,” but when I looked at his face I realized he didn’t like my response. I tried to back up with “That would be nice.”

He said, “She is bringing your Aunt Lottie to pick up Guy so it will just be the three of us.”

Tosh knew he was going to be evaluated and he didn’t have to like that, but I thought he shouldn’t be surprised. Guy gladly climbed into Aunt Lottie’s car. He knew that she would feed him milk shakes and hot dogs and anything else he asked for.

My mother drove us to the bar, which overlooked the shore where seals slid over and off the rocks. We lifted glasses and toasted each other, then my mother said, “I do not want to get into your business, but I am on Maya’s side.” She turned to me and said, “Baby, can you tell me why you are so unhappy?”

Tosh looked at me expecting me to deny being unhappy, but I thought about the question and realized that for the last few months I had always been near tears.

I said, “Most of the things I like have been taken away from me.”

“Taken away or did you give them up?”

Tosh said defensively, “You said you wanted a home with a big kitchen and you have that. I am trying to be a good, faithful husband to you and a father to Guy. What else do you want?”

The two of them waited to hear what I would say and as I began to think about the dryness in my life, I couldn’t hold back the tears.

“I have no friends. Tosh is jealous even of my friendship with Yvonne. He has stopped me from studying dance, he becomes angry if I stop at the record shop, and worst of all, I have to lie when I go to church.”

Vivian exploded. “What?”

I said, “Whenever I can get away on Sunday, I go to Bailey and Yvonne’s house and put on Sunday clothes and find some church not too far away, and enjoy the service. I put money in the collection and sometimes if I’m really carried away, I will write my name down and my phone number.”

My mother’s laugh was sardonic. She said, “You mean you have to lie to go to church?”

Tosh said, “I knew about it.”

I asked, “Have you been following me?”

He denied that and added, “One evening when you were at the community center, I answered the telephone. A voice asked for Sister Antelope.”

“I told them there is no Sister Antelope here.”

The voice said, “I’m trying to reach Sister Maya Antelope. She joined church last Sunday and we have her scheduled to be baptized at the Crystal Pool Plunge on the first Sunday.”

I asked, “You decided not to tell me?”

Tosh said, “You decided not to tell me?”

My mother looked at the two of us. “Is your relationship built on lies? Maybe you want to think about that. Let’s drink up and I’ll take you home.”

Tosh asked, “Is that why you asked us out?”

“Ever since I’ve been home, I’ve seen that Maya has been sad enough to break down and cry. Now I understand.”

Tosh asked, “And how can you fix that? Whose butt will you light a fire under?”

She said, “Are you ready? I’ll pay the check.”

Tosh said, “We’ll call a cab.”

I started to get up and follow her, but she said, “No, baby, you do what your husband wants you to do. But you have to think about the place that you are in.”

I sat back down with Tosh as she walked to the cashier.

Mother and I were having coffee at the kitchen table when Tosh and seven-year-old Guy came in from a basketball game. I had prepared dinner and set the table. Mother told me she had an appointment so she wouldn’t be staying. She greeted Tosh and Guy and said she’d like to take us out to dinner on Saturday night. She knew a Russian restaurant that served borscht and beef stroganoff. She was sure we would enjoy it.

Tosh thanked her for the invite but said he couldn’t come. The tone of his voice told her he didn’t want to come. My mother gave him a brisk “Okeydokey.” She then gave me and Guy a kiss and left.

I asked, “Tosh, why can’t you come to dinner—what will you be doing?”

“I think we’re seeing too much of your mother.”

I didn’t respond because I didn’t want to argue in front of Guy. That was not the whole truth. The whole truth was I didn’t know what to say.

Guy and I went to dinner at the Russian restaurant and my mother never mentioned Tosh, but he was very present in his absence.

Guy asked, “Why didn’t Dad come to dinner?”

My mother looked at him and at me, then asked, “When did Tosh start becoming his dad?”

I said, “They both decided.”

“I see” (which meant she didn’t see).

The light in my marriage waned as the sun sets in the western sky. At first the dimness is hardly noticeable, then noticeable but not alarming. Then with a rush, the light is vanquished by darkness. I realized I had lost interest in the marriage when I no longer wanted intimacy with my husband and no longer had concern about cooking exquisite meals. When music lost its talent to lighten my mood, I had to admit that what I wanted, I did not have. I wanted an apartment for myself and my son.

Tosh told me he understood when I explained that I missed my friends, the dance classes, and the freedom to mention God, Jesus, and faith without having a knock-down, drag-out argument. I disliked that he forced me to defend my basic beliefs.

Tosh took my departure with such equanimity
that I believe he was as relieved as I that our marriage had ended.

Guy was devastated at the news of our breakup and he blamed me. He remained angry for about a year and I found it impossible to explain to him that we had worn the marriage out. Bailey found it hard to understand why I had left the security of married life.

He thought he knew what I should have done. “All you had to do was make friends with Tosh’s friends or bring people into your life and convince Tosh that they were his friends first.”

Those were not solutions I was able to use.

Guy continued being distraught. Divorce in a family when the parents have been married a child’s whole life can be painful. However, when the marriage is only three years old and the child has found his first father after four years of having none, divorce is a horror. At his young age, Guy thought that at last he could be like other children. At last he had a mother and a father who lived in the same house. At last he had someone who would answer out loud when he called “Dad.”