Mommy by Mistake (32 page)

“I’ll do it,” Steve volunteered from the doorway.

“That was amazing, Tiffany,” Meg said, on the breath she felt that she had been holding in for hours.

“You saved his life,” Frances added in awe. “You knew what to do.”

“I did, didn’t I?” Tiffany’s voice trembled. “I think
I’m
going to cry now.”

Natalie reached out and put an arm around both her and Jess.

“It’s okay,” she said. “It’s okay, you don’t have to worry now.”

Jess snapped away from her in one sudden shocking movement.

“Don’t you tell me not to worry,” she said accusingly to Natalie, her voice low with fury.

“I only meant…” Natalie began.

“You’re just like the rest of them, you’re worse,” Jess was shouting, her voiced raised above the chorus of babies. “Always telling me I worry too much, always saying I’m overreacting, I’m being too anxious. So bloody smug and so bloody perfect. Acting like you know it all, like you know my child better than I do. ‘Put him down in the cot,’ you said, ‘don’t worry so much,’ you said. But if I’d kept him with me this wouldn’t have happened, if I had kept him with me he would have been safe.”

“Jess, you’re in shock.” Meg touched her on the arm but she recoiled, cradling Jacob to her chest, his plump fist beating at her shoulder.

“Just leave me alone, all of you!” she cried, her eyes hot and dry. “None of you know what it’s like to lose a child. None of you know what it’s like to hold your dead baby in your arms! I
do
!”

The others looked at each other, all horror-struck except for Natalie, who hung her head.

“Jess,” Meg began. “We had no idea…”

“She did,” Jess said, stabbing a finger at Natalie. “I told her, I trusted her, and all she did was tell me not to worry so much.” She paused for breath and rested her forehead against Jacob’s.

“Don’t tell me not to worry,” she went on, the power but not the fury drained from her voice. “Don’t you tell me anymore that it will be all right, because you don’t know that. Nobody knows that.”

There was a hammering at the door and Steve showed two paramedics into the room.

“Jess, look”—Natalie struggled to know what to say—“I’ll come to the hospital and wait…”

One of the paramedics took Jacob carefully from Jess and laid him on the bed before checking him over.

“We’d better take him, to be on the safe side,” he said to Jess. “Okay, love?”

Jess nodded.

“Do you want to bring a friend?” the paramedic asked her.

“No, I don’t want them anywhere near me,” Jess said. The paramedic wrapped a blanket around both her and Jacob and led them out of the flat.

“She’s had a shock,” Frances said thoughtfully a few minutes later, when they had all retrieved their babies and mostly calmed them. “And she’s frightened and angry. But not at you, Natalie, she just lashed out at you.”

Natalie shook her head, holding Freddie close to her chest so that she could feel the heat of him against her skin.

“No,” she said. “I mean, yes, she said it because she was angry and in shock, but she was right, too. I
am
always telling her not to worry. I am always telling her everything will be all right. I do always treat her as if I think she’s a little bit crazy for not being more relaxed with Jacob. And I knew that she had lost two babies before. She’s right to be angry with me. I’ve been crass and insensitive and told her all along that she was seeing problems where there were none. She
should
blame me.”

“Nobody could have guessed what would happen when she put him down for a nap,” Meg said. “You couldn’t see it coming.”

“Jess would have,” Natalie said with a shrug. “If I hadn’t distracted her, belittled her worries.”

“If that’s what you’ve done, then we all have,” Steve said. “We’ve all let her down.”

The group didn’t speak for a while until eventually Tiffany said, “So what do we do now?”

“The only thing we can do,” Natalie said immediately. “Be good friends, be friends who won’t let her down. Go to the hospital and wait.”

They waited in the hospital cafeteria for two hours, without going to the desk or trying to find out what was happening. They didn’t think it was their place to do so. All they knew was that they wanted to be there for Jess whether she knew it or not. So they drank tea and waited, and they watched, waiting for a glimpse of Jess.

“Tiffany, you were amazing,” Natalie said, not for the first time. “My blood ran cold. I just froze. I had no idea what to do. And you remembered all that baby first-aid stuff. You were incredible. So calm and in control.”

“You were,” Meg agreed. “I’m so proud of you, which I know makes me sound like I want to be your mom and not your friend, but I’d be proud to be your mom and I’m very proud to be your friend.”

“Me, too,” the others agreed, making Tiffany squirm and shift on the uncomfortable cafeteria chair.

“Wasn’t that special,” she mumbled into the zip of her parka, as if she was just some awkward teenager and not the amazingly clever and brave hero the others had seen in action a few hours ago.

“It
was
special,” Jess said, approaching the table a little warily. “It wasn’t just special, it was amazing. You didn’t just save Jacob’s life, you saved mine, too.” She looked literally washed out, every scrap of color drained from her face and every ounce of energy spent on her son.

The others looked at her, each of them unable to ask her how things were going, afraid to hear bad news.

“The doctors said that Jacob is stable now,” Jess said, partially answering their worries. “Lee is with him, he arrived a while ago. He told me to come and get us a cup of tea, get some fresh air. I didn’t want to leave Jacob, he’s so little, and they’ve got him in this great big cot and he’s supposed to have an oxygen mask on but it’s too big, so either Lee or I have to hold it as near to his nose and mouth as we can.” Jess’s voice wobbled on the last word, and she looked up at the strip lighting and made herself smile. “I mean, he’s smiling and waving his legs around and charming the nurses, but I look at him and I see the way he looked when I found him and I think about how different it might have been and I…” She bit her lip and heaved in a deep breath. “Lee said I needed some fresh air and a Mars bar.” She smiled wanly at the group. “I didn’t expect to see you here, but I’m really glad you are. And…look, I’m really sorry about before, I—”

“
Please
don’t be sorry,” Natalie implored her.

“I was out of my mind with worry,” Jess told her.

“But you were still right,” Natalie said. “Who are we, who am
I
to know what you should and should not worry about? I dismissed your fears when if I had listened to them properly I could have helped you. I thought I was building your confidence but really I was helping to undermine it.”

Jess shook her head. “That’s not true. I made you feel bad about something that…is normal. You are normal to be and act the way you do. I’m
not
. It’s not normal to constantly fuss and worry and fret.”

“But you were right to,” Meg said.

Jess pulled a chair over from an adjoining table and sat down heavily. “I wish I wasn’t. I wish that I had been wrong to worry so
much. But now I do have something to be anxious about, and funnily enough, now I know what it is, now that I can face it and deal with it, I don’t feel afraid anymore.”

“What happened?” Frances asked her.

“They say that it doesn’t look as if he had a cold, after all. It is a bacterial thing, which in turn set off an asthma attack, his airways got inflamed and narrow. When I laid him down for that nap, mucus got lodged in his airway and he didn’t or couldn’t cough it out.” Jess was still for a moment, facing once again the horrific alternative reality that had been only a hairsbreadth away for her and Jacob that morning. “Tiffany did exactly the right thing. She cleared his airway and got him breathing. He’s had oxygen and Ventolin and his breathing has eased now. They’re keeping us in tonight and maybe tomorrow, and he’ll need medication and monitoring for the foreseeable future, but with the right management he’ll be fine.” Jess looked as if she couldn’t quite believe it. “He’s fine.”

“I’m so relieved,” Natalie said.

“The pediatrician said he’d probably had asthma for a while. She said it’s quite common in young babies, and that when he had that ‘snoring’ it might have been a wheeze after all, only it stopped by the time we brought him here.” She lifted her chin a fraction. “I knew it was something serious. I
knew
it.”

Tentatively, Natalie reached across the table and laid her hand on the back of Jess’s.

“Mother’s intuition,” she said. “We should have listened to you. I’m sorry, Jess.”

Jess shook her head, dismissing the need for an apology.

“They said that most babies grow out of it and that now we know, we’re prepared. We’ve got to give him an inhaler whenever he has a sniffle. He’ll have a checkup every couple of months.” Jess
suddenly stifled a sob. “I don’t know why I want to cry
now
,” she said, brushing away tears.

“Relief, I expect,” Meg said. “I feel like crying myself.”

“Or is it because you know that I’m hosting the baby group next?” Natalie asked her. “That’s enough to make me want to cry.”

“You’re an idiot,” Jess said, although she did manage a watery smile.

“Oh, much more of an idiot than you can ever guess,” Natalie said. And she made up her mind then and there. These people who had started out as random acquaintances had become her friends, the kind of friends she’d never thought she’d need or want. But over the last few weeks she had found a solidarity with each of them that was both refreshing and, yes, comforting.

She cared about them and their families and she thought they cared for her, too. And if they did, then they deserved to know the stupid truth about her stupid life. No more excuses or setbacks.

The next baby group, Natalie decided. That was when she would tell them, come what may.

T
he intervening time between the last, fateful meeting of the baby group and the day that Natalie was finally about to host it had been happily quiet and mostly uneventful. In fact, Natalie thought, the best word to describe herself, her feelings and thoughts in those days, was tranquil. After the sudden storm that had swept away that bright and sunny morning at Tiffany’s flat, she felt that she could see her life all the more clearly. All her petty problems and silly stories seemed utterly irrelevant and pointless now. All that mattered was that she had Freddie, and Freddie had Jack in his life.

She had even found a peaceful way of managing her feelings for Jack. She had decided to simply enjoy them quietly, secretly. She would take pleasure in his friendship and his relationship with Freddie and let her own feelings ebb and flow over her, hopeful that one day the sharp pang of desire she experienced whenever she heard his voice or saw his face would be washed away and in
time smoothed into friendship. However, she did expect this to take quite a long time, so she was hopeful that Jack would not date anyone else, let alone fall in love, for at least fifty years or so. It was a faint hope, Natalie realized, as she thought about that encounter that Jack had had with Suze in Soho Square, the one she should not know about and rather wished she didn’t.

But at least knowing that Jack was interested in and even approaching other women helped her to put her situation into perspective. Otherwise his warmth, his sweet smiles, the pleasure he seemed to take in Freddie’s and, yes, her company too, could have been seriously misconstrued. No, it was better like this, to admire him from a safe distance. Natalie supposed she would have to cross the bridge signposted
JACK IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO IS NOT ME
when she came to it. Or more likely jump right off it.

Jack had called her a few days after his visit, which took her entirely by surprise. Why she was so shocked Natalie didn’t know, but the sound of his voice so suddenly in the shell of her ear made her trip and tumble over her words for a moment.

“Um, oh? Jack!” she exclaimed. “Well.”

“Well?” Jack responded uncertainly. “Is this a bad time? Have you got guests or…a guest?” His tone loaded the last word with a meaning that she could not fathom.

“No, no—not at all—it’s just that I wasn’t expecting you to call,” she told him hurriedly. “Maybe it’s because I spent so long waiting for you to call me after we got back from Venice that now you actually are here it will take me a while to adjust to you as a person contactable by telephone.”

“This is a bad time,” Jack stated, clearly taking her ramblings as a dig at their messy past.

“No!” Natalie exclaimed, perhaps a touch too desperately. “No, Jack, it’s not a bad time, it’s just…oh look, I’m still getting used
to having you around in our lives. I didn’t mean to get at you. I didn’t mean to say any of that stuff, I just didn’t know how to say what I wanted to say which was, ‘Hello, Jack, nice to hear from you. How are you?’”

“I’m good,” he said. “Work’s good, I’m looking for my own place, so it’s been a good few days. And you?”

Natalie paused; she wanted to tell him all about Jacob and Jess and everything that had happened at Tiffany’s flat, but she didn’t know if she should. It was difficult negotiating her way around this new relationship. They had been fleeting lovers, now they were coparents, but she didn’t think they could actually call each other friends yet; they were more well-intentioned acquaintances, one of whom happened to be madly in love with the other. “It’s been a busy week,” she said eventually. “Trying to get my head in gear, you know.”

“I know what you mean,” Jack said easily. “It is really weird, I felt nervous dialing your number. And I called because I caught myself not calling. I caught myself thinking, Don’t phone too soon, mate, you don’t want to let on what a great time you had. And then I realized that I hadn’t been on a date, I’d spent time with my son, and that actually I
do
want him to know how much I enjoyed spending time with him, and that I
do
want to do it again really soon, and that this is no time to play it cool, even if he is just a baby and hasn’t got a clue who I am yet. And I thought maybe you wouldn’t mind if I called between visits to find out how he is.”

It had taken Natalie a moment or two to readjust her psyche to suit the tranquil mode she had recently adopted, because for most of the time that Jack had been talking she had let herself believe that he was actually talking about her. She had briefly forgotten that he was referring to Freddie, which made her feel first stupid
and secondly self-centered. Both were traits that she had been guilty of in the past and ones she wanted very much to leave behind now.

“Of course you can call about Freddie any time you like!” she said with overcompensating, overblown verve. “What’s to stop you?”

“I don’t want you to think I’m trying to take over his or your life,” Jack said. “I mean, you don’t need me hanging round you all the time, stopping you from moving on…getting on with things, I mean.”

I do, I do, I do need you, actually,
Natalie had thought to herself, but she bit back the rebellious words and managed to reply dryly, “You’re right, Freddie and I do have a pile of invitations asking us to cocktail parties and premieres on a daily basis.”

She listened happily to Jack’s chuckle. “Look,” she went on. “I want you to see him as much as possible. I really want that for him.”

“Natalie, can I ask you something?” Jack said tentatively.

“Of course,” Natalie replied on an inward breath.

“Is my name on his birth certificate?”

“Yes,” she said simply. “It’s funny, it never occurred to me to leave it off. I suppose I must have always wanted him to have something of you, whatever happened.”

“I’m glad.” Jack sounded as if he’d been holding his breath too. “Look, I was wondering what you think. Do we need solicitors to make some kind of formal arrangement between us? Should we find out about it?”

Inexplicably, irrationally, Natalie’s heart sank at the perfectly sensible suggestion.

“Well, yes, okay,” she said, unable to disguise the heaviness in her voice.

“I know what you mean,” Jack said, although she hadn’t actually expressed any opinion. “Getting lawyers involved seems a bit clinical, a bit formal. Not especially friendly.”

“But it is something we will have to do, I suppose,” Natalie said. “Make it legal.”

“Yes, but not yet,” Jack said. “After all, we’re still just getting to know each other, right? And I won’t run away. I absolutely promise you that I will never leave him.”

After Natalie had put the phone down a few minutes later, she sat for a long time and thought about everything that Jack had said. He was never going to leave Freddie, he’d said—he’d promised. And she believed him, a belief that made her rejoice for her son, but frightened her, too. What if, without the benefit of distance and absence, she never got over Jack? What if she spent the rest of her life seeing him and missing him all at once?

Now, though, the morning of the baby group had arrived and Natalie had to focus on the present. She had to prepare, to get ready for this literal moment of truth.

There had been talk about postponing it, as Jacob had come home from the hospital only two days earlier. But Jess said she wanted to come, even if Jacob would be staying at home with Lee on this occasion. She said an hour or two out with her friends was just what she needed.

Natalie had rehearsed on several occasions, usually in front of the mirror, the speech that would reveal her deep, dark, and murky secrets to the baby group. When she detailed the truth about her fake husband, and about exactly how Freddie was conceived (well, not exactly how), and even about her son’s fledgling relationship with his still strange and worryingly wonderful father, she had to admit that her secret sounded, well, less shocking and rather more silly than she had hoped.

Still, she was looking forward to unburdening herself just the same. There was the slight risk that they might all turn on her and she’d end up with no friends at all. But Natalie had decided that there was no point in having close friends—
best
friends—if you couldn’t be truthful with them.

Sandy helped her prepare for her friends’ arrival by going to the shop to buy the cake.

“Do you want me to go to that lovely patisserie?” she asked Natalie. “Get lots and lots of lovely pastries and things?”

“Thanks, but that would be far too sophisticated,” Natalie said. “We do cake, preferably shop-bought.”

“Shop-bought cake it is,” Sandy said with a shrug, winking at Freddie as she headed out. Natalie looked at the space where her mother had been standing a moment before and found herself smiling.

Recently, Sandy had been quite nice to be around. She hadn’t driven her to instant apocalyptic fury for almost a week, and Natalie was discovering that if she didn’t jump down her mother’s throat at the slightest provocation, sometimes Sandy would have something quite sensible or interesting to say.

Occasionally, Natalie found herself missing their old sparring sessions, but she was fairly sure that once she and Sandy had moved out of this intermediary stage they’d be able to fight happily once again, only this time without the great dark fear that they really did hate each other overshadowing everything. Like any relationship, the one between Natalie and Sandy would require work, effort, and many small adjustments before they got it exactly right.

Similar rules applied in her attempts to manage whatever weird sort of relationship she had with Jack. He was due for his second visit the following day, and Natalie didn’t doubt that it would be just as emotionally challenging as the last one. But if she could
stay tranquil on the outside, then she was making some progress, no matter what storm might rage inside.

Natalie was surprised when the doorbell rang a few minutes later, and supposed it must be her mother with plenty of cake but no key.

“It must be the Alzheimer’s again,” she said as she swung the door open, but it wasn’t her mother who stood before her. It was Gary.

“Gary!” Natalie said with an air of pleasant surprise, as if she had just remembered that he existed. He smiled at her, looking very handsome in his tight khaki T-shirt and jeans, and she wondered at the fact that she had let him slip so easily from her thoughts with that torso. How on earth had it come to pass that a skinny, lanky man had captured her heart so firmly when this one hadn’t?

“I was in the area,” Gary said. “Thought I’d drop in, see how you are and”—he looked down at his feet a little coyly—“I, er, needed to talk to you about something.”

Natalie stood aside and let him in rather hesitantly, hoping that he wasn’t going to ask her out again or declare his undying love for her, because she had no idea what she would say to him if he did.

“How’s the wiring?” he asked her, not quite able to look her in the eye.

“Well, everything is working,” Natalie said with a shrug.

“I’m glad to hear it,” Gary said.

They stood looking at each other for a few seconds, both remembering the night they had spent together.

“You look well,” Gary said eventually.

“Thank you,” Natalie said, smiling at his non-compliment. “So do you.”

Gary nodded, his hand on his hip. He bit his lip and looked like what he was about to say to her would be embarrassing and difficult. Natalie braced herself.

“Look, Natalie…”

“Gary, don’t,” Natalie interrupted him, placing her fingers lightly on his lips. “Don’t say what you’re about to say.” She moved a step closer and rested her hand on his forearm. “That night we had together, it was great and it meant so much to me, it really did, but don’t say you want more from me because I just don’t have it to give, Gary. I’m stupidly in love with Freddie’s dad, remember? I don’t even think I could have sex with you again, even if you are a very good lover. Because I can only think about him, and I know it’s stupid. And besides, you are a lovely man. A really fabulous, kind man with a really amazing body and you deserve more than to be just used for sex…”

Gary’s face was stricken.

“Oh, don’t be upset, Gary,” Natalie pleaded. “There are a lot of nicer women than me, really…”

“I’m not upset,” Gary said, taking a step back from her touch. “I’m embarrassed. Natalie, I came about the bill. You haven’t paid it.”

“Oh.” Natalie suddenly felt very hot. “Oh God.” She clapped her hand over her mouth and stared at him. And then she laughed.

“Oh my God.
Oh my God!
Come down to the kitchen with me and I’ll find the bill and write you a check. Oh my God, Gary,” Natalie repeated as she led him down to the kitchen. “I can’t believe what I’ve just done, what I said to you! Of course you didn’t come round here to declare your love for me. You came for a check.”

“Well, from what you said, it sounds as if I’d have been unlucky anyway,” Gary told her, finding a wry smile as Natalie
handed him the check. He laughed. “Sorry, but it was pretty funny.”

“Glad to brighten your day,” Natalie replied, still able to feel the heat in her cheeks.

“Look,” Gary went on, “the only reason I haven’t tried to ask you out again is because I know how you feel about this guy Jack. And I’m not an idiot. If you were really free, I would.” His mouth curled into a delicious smile. “You’re pretty hot for a parent.”

Natalie and Gary smiled warmly at each other, and for one moment longer Natalie thought of that happy, easy life she might have had with him.

It was the last restful moment she would experience for some time.

“So this is Gary!” Meg’s voice interrupted her thoughts. “Oh my God, Gary, how lovely to meet you at last! When Natalie’s mom said you were down here, I couldn’t believe it!”

Natalie whirled round and watched as her friend waltzed into the kitchen.

“How did you get in?” Natalie squeaked quite rudely.

“I let her in,” Sandy said, following Meg into the room. “Found her on the doorstep.” She grinned at Gary. “Hello, love, nice to see you again. I’ll leave your cakes here and go back upstairs, leave you and your friends to it. If the doorbell rings, I’ll get it.”