Mommy's Angel (10 page)

“I couldn’t find the shelter,” I lied.

“Oh, child, you been living in Brooklyn ya whole life and don’t know ya way around the block! Ain’t that nothin’,” Aunt Jackie rambled. “So what, you wanna stay here?”

I nodded my head—although it wasn’t that I wanted to stay there, it was just that I had no choice if I didn’t want to go back to Butter’s house.

Aunt Jackie started picking up the dirty clothes off the sofa. “Well, that’s fine. I don’t know why you actin’ all shy like you ain’t family. Let me get these clothes up. Kareem put his dirty shit on my couch. I keep tellin’ him this ain’t no hamper.”

I watched Aunt Jackie clean off what I figured would be my bed. Tears formed in my eyes as I envisioned my mom telling some lady that she only had two kids. I tried to block it out my mind by telling myself I didn’t care, but that didn’t work. Instead it made me feel worse. I felt unwanted. It seemed the more I tried to convince myself that what my mom did didn’t matter to me, the more hurt I felt.

“I’ll bring down some sheets and a cover for you. I don’t believe you couldn’t find that shelter. It’s right up there on what’s-a-name,” Aunt Jackie said as she walked up the steps carrying the load of clothes.

With the clothes gone, I could see what looked like piss stains on the sofa cushions. I was not about to sleep on that. Butter may have been shady, but at least her house was clean. And anyway, I needed to make some money—and if Butter’s house was my only means to do that then I had to go back. I had rather deal with Butter’s mood swings than sleep on a pissy couch.

“Aunt Jackie!” I yelled up the steps.

“I’m comin’, Angel! Got damn! I’m getting you some blankets!” she yelled back.

“No. That’s all right! I’m going over my friend house!” I told her, and I left.

It was dark by then. I didn’t have any money so I had no choice but to call Butter. I was not about to walk to Harlem, and hitchhiking was out of the question. I went to the pay phone and called Butter collect.

“Butter,” I said in a hurry.

“You better be in jail calling my house collect!” Butter snapped.

“Butter, I went to get some clothes from my mom’s house and it had caught on fire the other day so I was at every shelter looking for my mom and them all day. I used all my money on bus fare. I need a ride back to your house,” I explained as fast and simple as I could.

“Oh, really? Okay. Where you at?”

“My mom block.”

“All right. Stay right there,” Butter said. Then right before she hung up, I heard her say, “I got something for her ass.”

I put the phone back on the receiver and went inside the Chinese store at the end of my mom’s block.

“Can I help you?” the short Asian woman asked a lady who was already in the store.

“Yeah. Give me three wings with salt, pepper, and hot sauce, and a loosie,” the lady said.

I sat down on the window seat and watched every passing car, anticipating my ride.

“You Carmina daughter, ain’t you?” the lady asked me.

I turned to look at her. She was kind of heavy, light brown skin with a lot of bumps on her face. She had on a baseball cap and a leather jacket.

“Yeah,” I answered her, trying to figure out if I knew her and where from.

“You look just like ya motha,” she went on. “I’m Nina. I used to baby-sit you and ya brotha when y’ all was real little. You probably don’t remember me, though, ‘cause you was a baby. How ya mom doin’?”

“She all right,” I said, unwilling to tell her my business.

“I ain’t seen Carmina in years. The last time I seen her, you was like one and ya brotha Curtis was like eight or nine. How he doin’? I bet you he a grown ass momma’s boy ain’t he?”

“He got killed,” I burst her bubble.

“Oh, no, get out of here. When?” she asked, dragging her words.

“Two years ago,” I told her.

“Oh, my God. Damn, see I been down South for ten years, and I was locked up for a while before that so I’m like out of the loop, you know. But damn, I am sorry.”

“It’s all right,” I said.

“Damn, that’s fucked up. Curt. Damn, wait ’til I tell my motha. My motha loved her some Curt. I had y’ all all the time. Y’ all was like my kids, especially Curtis. He used to play with my nephew,” she reflected.

“Three wings,” the Asian woman spoke through the thick glass, interrupting Nina.

“Well, it was good seeing you. Angel, right?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry about ya brotha, too. But listen, take down my numba,” she said. “Can I see that pen?” she asked the Asian woman.

She scribbled her phone number on a piece of the brown bag her food was in and gave it to me. Then she stuck the loose cigarette she bought behind her ear.

“Tell ya mom to call me. I’m back up here for a while. And take care of yaself, all right?”

“Yeah,” I said, watching the lady leave.

She had to bring up my brother, didn’t she. I was not in the mood for memories. That made me want to cry all over again. Just as I looked back out the window, I saw a car driving slowly down the block. It didn’t look like Butter’s car, though. But I went outside to check. She could have sent one of the girls to get me, and I was not tryin’ to miss my ride.

Beep! Beep!
The car horn sounded. I walked slowly toward the car, and the window rolled down. A guy was driving.

“You Angel?”

I nodded my head.

“Butter sent me to pick you up,” he said.

I hesitated.

“I’m supposed to be taking you to her house,” he elaborated.

I didn’t know who he was, but Butter sent him, so I got in his car.

“I’m Bruce,” he introduced himself. “What you doin’ walkin’ the streets in this cold weather?”

I ignored him. I wasn’t interested in having a conversation with him. I just wanted to get to Butter’ s.

“You not talkin’ to me?” he asked.

“I’m just tired,” I responded, trying to give him a hint.

“Is that right?” he asked, pulling the car into a parking space a couple blocks from where he picked me up. “Well, we can make this quick, then.”

I looked at him, confused. “What are you talkin’ about?”

He started unbuckling his belt.

“Hold on. What are you doin’?”

He returned a confused expression to me and said, “You do work for Butter, don’t you?”

I didn’t answer that question.

He proceeded, “She told me I was picking up a date. I didn’t come all the way on this end for nothin’.”

“I thought you was coming to take me to her house,” I told him.

“Yeah, after you, you know,” he said vaguely.

I frowned my face up. “Are you serious?”

“Look, Butter and me been knowing each other for a long time. I send her plenty business. And she look out for me in return. Now, ya ride home is all I have to pay for a nice time. So, what’s it goin’ be? You wanna ride or not?”

I let what he said sink in, and in the process I remembered hearing Butter say she had something for my ass when we hung up the phone. I put two and two together and that was what she was talking about. She had some shit with her, I thought. But it was what it was. I sucked up what was left of my pride and dignity and gave the man what he was looking for.

Back at Butter’s house, Mary was cooking something that smelled good. I didn’t know that a skinny woman like her knew what cooking was. I sat down in the kitchen and laid my head down on the table. Mary carried on as if I never walked in.

In no time Butter appeared at the doorway. “So, you wandered off and realized you ain’t have nowhere to go? Well, I hope you learned a lesson. You could have made a hundred dollars off that blow job, but what you get? A ride. All you gotta do is stay in your place and play your position. Grow up, little girl! And grow up fast!”

I sat at the kitchen table and thought to myself,
One of these days Butter is goin’ to make me hurt her.
The only reason why I hadn’t checked Butter up to that point was because I knew I needed her. But as soon as I found my way out of that position, she had better believe we was goin’ brawl.

“Mary, what you smoke?” I asked, trying to take my mind off the bullshit I had went through that day.

Mary didn’t answer my question. She just looked at me with that same warning expression on her face. But who was she to judge? It was clear she was no saint. I knew she smoked something, so I didn’t know why she gave me that look like I asked her something foreign.

“What, you deaf?” I asked her with an attitude. I was mad and she was the only person I could get away with taking my anger out on. “I asked you what you smoke?”

She rolled her eyes at me.

“Bitch! I ain’t goin’ ask you again!” I said, standing up. I wanted to walk over to that stove and dump Mary’s pale bony face in the pot of boiling water.

Mary rolled her eyes at me again and still did not answer me. That was it. Somebody was going to get their ass kicked, and Mary was in the wrong place at the wrong time so it was bound to be her. I walked over to Mary and stood right in her face. She was a few inches taller than me, so it was like I was talking to her neck.

“Did you hear what the fuck I said? What the fuck do you smoke?!” I didn’t even wait for an answer that time. I was so frustrated I grabbed Mary’s long neck with both of my hands and squeezed as hard as I could. She grabbed my arms and tried to take them off her. I didn’t budge. I just squeezed tighter. Her white face turned red and veins popped out of her head. Still I squeezed. Her grip on my arms loosened and her eyes were opening and closing.

“ANGEL!” Butter’s voice rang out.

I suddenly released my hold on Mary and she dropped to the kitchen floor. I turned to look at Butter, and she was fuming. She ran up on me and gripped me by my hair. She threw me up against the wall and started choking me.

“NOW, HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?!” she shouted.

If I would have been able to talk I would have told her not to stop. I was losing my breath, but I didn’t care. I wanted Butter to choke me to death. That would have made my day.

“
If I ever catch you doin’ dome shit like that in my house again I’m goin’ beat ya ass and then let every bitch in here beat ya ass. you hear me?”
she shouted as she took her hands from around my neck.

I used the wall to hold myself up as I gasped for air. I wanted to punch Butter in the face, but I maintained my self-control. And I didn’t think it was because I needed Butter either, because after she choked me I could have cared less about that. I was scared of Butter. Since the day I met her I was intimidated by her. But that night in her kitchen, it was no longer intimidation but fear. The look in her eyes when she had her hands around my neck was enough to make me pass out, let alone my loss of oxygen.

“Go upstairs and wash ya face and ya pussy. You wanna act a fool in my house, it’s time you pay some bills around this mothafucka!” Butter said to me with a disgusted look on her face.

It was a little after eleven when Butter drove me to a dark block under a bridge in uptown Manhattan. There were all these girls out there, at least a dozen, half naked, hoppin’ in and out of cars. My nerves were shot and I was sure Butter could tell, because she turned to me and gave me some E-pills.

“Here, take these.”

I was so happy to see them little blue pills. I popped them in my mouth like they were candy.

“I’m goin’ let you out here. Stand on that corner or that corner,” she instructed, pointing to the two corners she restricted me to. “When a car roll up, you go up to the passenger window and ask the driver how can you help him. Just like you work at McDonald’s or some shit. Just say How can I help you? But say it in a sexy way. Make it sound sweet. If he ask about prices tell ‘im they the best he goin’ get and ask ‘im if he ever dealt with Butter. If he say yeah, he’ll already know the cost and tell you to get in. If he say no, tell ‘im he don’t know what he missin’ and walk away from his car. Don’t get in a car if the trick say he don’t know Butter. Not on ya first night, anyway. I’m goin’ be parked right here the whole time. If you need me, don’t call me or yell. Just walk ya ass over here or flag me down,” Butter ran things down to me.

I listened, but I didn’t really hear her. I was purposely ignoring her. I was starting to feel the effects of the Ecstasy for one, and for two, I hated Butter’s guts at that point. I wasn’t tryin’ to hear shit she had to say. She leaned over me and opened my door. I got out and walked about a half block down the street to one of the corners Butter told me to stand on. My knees were shaking so bad I barely made it down there. I noticed all eyes were on me and that made me even more nervous. No sooner than I got on the corner did a chick approach me.

“You got a light?” the short, thick, light-skinned woman asked me, sounding like Rosie Perez.

Before I could say no she looked me in my eyes and said, “You high as giraffe pussy, baby girl. You shouldn’t be out here like that. A trick’ll take more than you tryna give if he see you on like that,” she explained.

I looked at her and smiled.