Mom's the Word (16 page)

“You're a mother,” Hope had once said. “You can't spend all your time scribbling in notebooks, daydreaming while your kids are running wild. There are other people to do that sort of thing.” And maybe she'd been right. There would always be other writers, better writers. Karol sat down in the only chair and took a deep breath, thinking of all the affirmations and prayers she'd written down and shared with others over the years. A new one came, for her alone, whispered hurriedly at the computer screen.

“I am a writer. I give myself permission to create without guilt, to laugh when it's inappropriate, to dance when there's no music playing. I give my children permission to be who God has called them to be, even if I don't understand it. I am a word warrior: inspiring, powerful, vulnerable and honest. My battle is with myself. Jesus is my victory.”

With that, Karol reached for her pen and set her timer. Her days were almost up, but she would make the most of the time that remained. After that, she wasn't sure how she'd find the time to continue writing, but she knew that somehow it would work. It had to.

She was a writer.

• Buy organic spinach
  
• Order mangoes—10
  
• Fax first chapter to Steve Chaise
  
• Send thank-you card to church for welcome basket
  
• Try new vitamins doctor recommended
  
• Pick up Neal's whey protein
  
• Read over Ryan's press releases
  
• Make dinner reservations for Dad, Fallon, Neal and I
  
• Spa Day!!!
  

—Dyanne

“M
orning, Dad.” Though she'd been mortified when her father first arrived, Dyanne had to admit it was nice having him around. The two of them usually clashed like crazy, but for some reason things didn't seem as bad as usual. Or at least not yet. Usually by the end of three days, Neal started packing someone's bag—once he'd packed his own—and sending someone on his or her merry way.

“Morning yourself, sweetheart,” her father said as he passed her on the stairs.

This morning, four days since her father's arrival, started with Dyanne and Neal running into the reverend at the bottom of the steps. It didn't take long for them to see what had stopped him cold—Fallon.

Her back was turned to them, but Dyanne knew the headphones in Fallon's ears led the MP3 player so often in the pocket of her friend's silk robe. The song must have been a good one because Fallon shimmied and shook from the stove to the sink and back again several times before she turned and saw that she had company. For the first time, Dyanne had a chance to see the illustrious Dr. Gray look shaken.

Fallon put a hand to her throat before slipping the headphones off of her ears. “Sorry,” she said slowly. “I thought you all would be sleeping for a while yet.” She looked at Dyanne's father with a pained expression. “Hope I didn't embarrass you, Reverend. Just trying to get my praise on this morning.”

“And you did just that,” Reverend Kelvin said with a big smile. “I was just wishing that you would have shared the song with the rest of us. We definitely need a big dose of whatever you're having for breakfast.”

Neal shook his head as Fallon's eyes sparkled. She waved Dyanne's father over to the blender and retrieved another goblet from the cabinet. “I thought you'd never ask,” she said, pouring the spinach-mango juice with precision. “Drink it right down and be ready to run to the bathroom, if you know what I mean….”

Dyanne's father looked a little worried, but he did as he was told. Another wide smile replaced his apprehension. “Oh, that's good! I feel that.”

“You feel it, baby—I mean, Reverend?” Fallon looked horrified again. Dyanne started to think that maybe she should have stayed in bed a little longer. Watching the two of them was torture. Her dad had only dated a few times that she knew of in the years since the divorce, but it was obvious to everyone but her father that he was quite taken with Fallon. And she with him.

“Just call me Kelvin,” he said, raising his glass again. “Tell me more about this stuff. Oh, and let me hear that song…”

Dyanne and Neal watched as the two of them retreated into the dining room.

“They're sickening,” Dyanne said, scanning the fridge for an English muffin or bagel to settle her stomach.

Neal started a protein shake for himself and handed Dyanne a banana. “They're cute. I didn't think any man could have that kind of effect on Fallon except me.”

“You're pitiful, you know that?”

“I do know that. And you're beautiful, even in the morning. Sorry I fell asleep before you came to bed. Did you and your dad get a lot done last night?”

“Tons.” For the second night in a row, Dyanne and her father had reviewed the new line of Christian books from every aspect. He'd explained why a couple of the titles wouldn't work, given suggestions for the covers that Ryan had identified as “busy” and even given input on Fallon's book tour.

“She needs a nonprofit. A service arm of some kind. I read her book last night, the one that's out now. I watched her with those children yesterday. While she's been primarily doing relationships and women's issues speaking, she is the common sense grandmother that many churches are missing today. You can add to her brand by giving her passion another dimension. She's not a person only motivated by money. Give her something big enough to fit her life into. You're trying to brand pieces of her.”

Dyanne had scribbled notes so fast that she'd broken a nail. She'd talked to Fallon about the suggestions the reverend had made a little bit before heading to bed.

The author shouted so loud that Dyanne worried for the neighbors. “It's just what I want to do!” Fallon had squealed. “I've been thinking this same thing for a while. I was going to wait until the tour was over to tell you. I know how you get all worried about these things, but I need to do this. I really do.”

Eating a banana for breakfast was a bad idea. A really bad idea. Dyanne forced it down as she recounted everything from the night before.

“It makes perfect sense,” Neal said as yet another blender whirred on their kitchen counter. “I understand exactly what Fallon means. We've done so much, you know? Been so blessed. And yet sometimes, in the day or two before the next goal is formed, the next plan set in motion, it feels sort of empty, like I need to do something bigger than myself. Like I need to be giving myself away.”

Give yourself away.
The pastor had said the same thing in his sermon on Sunday. Dyanne had been meaning to attend services—for market research if nothing else—but her father's appearance had pretty much forced her to go. If there was one rule her father had, it was that all able bodies were to be in the house of the Lord come Sunday morning. Even when they were out of town, he'd pull over at some church in the middle of nowhere and go right in. As a result, he knew pastors and parishioners in every denomination in near every city in the country.

Dyanne hadn't thought much of the small church Karol and Rob attended before her visit. A few days later, phrases and ideas from the simple sermon were still showing in every conversation she and Neal had. The really strange part had been at the end of service when they walked out the door and shook the pastor's hand. Though he'd given the people in front and in back of them a quick handshake and genuine smile, Pastor Newton had lingered over Neal and Dyanne, pulling them both into a hug. With the same simplicity and grace that he'd preached his sermon, he'd said only one thing to them as he let them go. “We want to see more of you.”

From the firm nod that Neal had given in return to the pastor's request, Dyanne was sure that they would be back the next Sunday. She'd thought her father would gloat on the way home from service about his prayers being answered and how great it was that they'd gone to church, but he was too busy playing Name that Hymn with Fallon in the backseat.

Dyanne clutched her stomach at the memory. “Neal? I don't feel so good.”

He put down his smoothie and lifted Dyanne into his arms. “What's the matter, babe? You don't look right. You've been working pretty hard. Let me take you up to bed. I'll work with Fallon on the book this morning. I'm free except for a call at eleven.”

She let herself relax in her husband's arms. “Can you stop at the bathroom, please?”

Neal picked up his pace. “Don't throw up on me, girl.” He laughed but his voice sounded worried. No matter how hard Dyanne worked, she was rarely sick and when she did fall ill, it was usually with a cold.

He got her to the bathroom just in time and raced upstairs for her toothbrush and a washcloth. “Are you still having the headaches?”

She mopped her forehead with the washcloth. “Not anymore. I'm just sort of dizzy. The heat down here…”

“You don't think—”

“What?” Dyanne's voice was sharp as she jerked her head up out of the sink.

“I'm just saying. Could you be pregnant?”

“No.” She pushed around him and out of the bathroom, but not before seeing the fear in her eyes as she looked in the mirror. The doctor did routine tests when she'd gone in for her headaches, including a pregnancy test. Hers had been negative, but the doctor had mentioned testing her again at the appointment and recommended that she start taking prenatal vitamins.

“Not to say that you'll get pregnant anytime soon. It's just best to have the nutrition levels high during the reproductive years. And the prenatals usually have the best quality nutrients. Good for the skin and nails. Don't worry.”

She had worried. She was worried now.

Neal was, too. He didn't pick her up this time, but followed behind as Dyanne started back upstairs. “Do you want me to come with you?”

“Please.”

Fallon and Dyanne's father came back into the kitchen.

“Dee Dee? Are you okay?” Fallon said, cutting off the funny story she'd been telling.

“Yes,” Dyanne said, not waiting for Neal as she headed upstairs.

“No,” Neal said, lifting his foot onto the next step. All of a sudden, he wasn't feeling so great, either.

 

Two lines. And not faint ones, either. Neal and Dyanne watched their home pregnancy test with wide eyes as the blue spread from end of the stick to the other in two fat grooves.

“We should have got the plus or minus one. I never pay attention to those commercials. What is that—an equal sign? Are you pregnant or not?” Neal was pacing the floor in circles. Dyanne was amazed he hadn't burned a hole in the rug from all the friction.

“The test is defective. I can't be pregnant. Go get another one.”

Forty bucks and a lot of empty boxes later, Neal was sure of one thing—the tests were not defective.

Dyanne was just as sure of another thing—she was not pregnant.

It took the doctor that she'd visited a few weeks before to make her face the truth: two lines still mean what they've always meant.

“You're pregnant. Very early, but definitely pregnant.”

Dyanne stared at the doctor and at the paper in his hand. “That's impossible. The prescription you gave me…I was taking them.”

The doctor smiled. “So was my mother when she conceived me. I'm a little screwy, but I turned out okay. We will have to keep an eye out on the baby's development…”

Neal looked afraid to be happy but Dyanne could tell that he was. She was not happy. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. This wasn't what she'd planned. She'd changed her mind, only her body hadn't come along for the ride.

Trust Me.

At the thought of trusting God, she became angry. Hadn't she been trying to trust Him? Hadn't she been trying to surrender? She'd wanted a baby more than anything, but she'd been willing to push it away to give it up. Work was really becoming interesting again. She had a new house. She was actually forming a relationship with her father. Fallon was blooming like a hothouse flower. And the tour…How would she make it around the country puking at every place they went to? The thought of an airplane ride made Dyanne want to head for the bathroom right now.

“I can't see much of anything on the ultrasound because it's too early, but the blood test is positive and your hormone level is sky-high. You are definitely pregnant.”

“I just don't see how this could have happened. I came to you for a prescription. It didn't do what it was supposed to do. This never would have happened in New York.”

The doctor smiled. “God is in New York, too, I'm afraid. We know a lot of things about the human body. We're learning more everyday. Sometimes, though, things just don't cooperate exactly. What you thought was your cycle was probably the baby implanting itself. It happens.”

It wasn't supposed to happen. Not to her.

“Thanks, Doc. We appreciate you getting us in so quickly. I guess we'll be seeing a lot of you, huh?”

Dyanne shut out her husband's chitchat with the doctor and retreated into her own thoughts. She'd been so confident a month ago that she would be a good mother, so sure that having a baby was the right thing to do. Now, she wasn't sure about anything except that this was not at all the way she'd wanted to feel about finding out she was pregnant for the first time.

What's wrong with me? Dyanne wondered. How ungrateful and foolish she must seem. Women all over the world were wanting babies at this very moment. Praying to have them. She'd been one of them just a few weeks before. She'd mourned the months when no one had proclaimed her pregnant as the doctor had done today. She'd even envied Karol Simon and thought her silly for struggling with motherhood. Now she wondered how her neighbor had ever managed to get through all this three times and keep her sanity.

“Come on. Let's get you home,” Neal said, helping Dyanne up out of the chair.

“Oh, please. Don't talk to me in that tone. It's just morning sickness, for goodness' sake. Nothing a little spinach and mango can't cure.”

“Did you really keep that down this morning?”

“It's the only thing I can keep down. Fallon finds it quite amusing. Don't you dare laugh.”

He dared. “I want you to know that I'm sorry for how I handled all this. Going back and forth about it. I should have just respected what you wanted in the beginning. That way, this could have been a happy day for you.”

Dyanne squeezed her husband's hand and leaned into his shoulder, but she didn't respond to his remark. She wasn't sure if there was anything Neal could have done that would have made a difference. Like everything else on her life list, Dyanne had gone after what she wanted—and gotten it. And for once, she wasn't so sure that was a good thing.