Monkeys Wearing Pants (8 page)

Please join me as we search for the elusive
Roku remote. The Roku remote once numbered at least four in the
regions known as the living room, dining room and the master
bedroom, but the encroachment of mischievous children has reduced
that number to two and they are seldom seen. Sadly, these once
majestic remotes now face extinction (or yet another $14.99 to
replace).

It’s amazing how fast we can clean the whole
house when people call from out of town to say they will be
stopping by to visit. What! There's a floor under there?

So I promoted someone at work to be a
supervisor in another city. She's having a hard time finding a new
place to move because of her two pit bulls. She might as well be
asking perspective landlords if the places she’s interested in have
enough good air flow to make good crystal meth labs.

I'm still not sure if there is a God, but
I'm starting to spell it with a capital 'G' just in case.

What's with all of the "One weird old
tip/trick/method" online ads today? Hey guys, we're on to you!

Seriously, how long do these Mylar balloons
last? One just floated by and scared the living crap out of me. It
seems that we always have a couple of them floating around the
house at any given time, like ghosts. I’m going back to the regular
balloons that float around for the day and then die peacefully in
their sleep that night.

I'm pretty sure my seat belt is trying to
kill me.

Pet peeve #1: People who speed in mini-vans.
I mean really, that’s such an oxymoron. Now, if you want to speed I
don’t have a problem with that. But in a mini-van? Seriously?
That’s like shoplifting at the Dollar Store. A ’98 Ford Windstar
coming up fast in the rearview mirror does not strike fear in the
hearts of anyone. Chicks are not lining up to meet the guy in the
Honda Odyssey who just hit 87 MPH going down the backslide of the
Grapevine coming into LA. Buy a Scion and wrap yourself around a
light pole like everybody else.

Pet Peeve #2: People who talk on their cell
phones in a public restroom. Actually, I don’t really care where
people use their cell phones. I just don’t understand the sense of
urgency (of going to the bathroom yes…of talking on the cell phone,
no). Besides, do you ever listen to those conversations (like you
have a choice)? “Huh? What? Who me? Nothing man. I’m just sitting
here in the bathroom in Costco trying to decide between the Chicken
Bake and the hot dog combo”. It’s not like someone is calling you
with the winner in fourth race.

THE END

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Copyright 2013 Jon Waldrep