Monster (18 page)

“I can just get my attitude right for revenge and hate,” he wrote. “I’m driving myself crazy trying to be something for you that I can’t be right now and, to tell you the truth, I probably won’t be for weeks after I get out.

“I’m borderline. I need to retreat and watch myself extra close for awhile. I have a heart half bad and half good.”

In June, Atwell issued his report. It was not encouraging, but certainly shed light on some of the missing elements of Luther’s childhood and subsequent development.

Tom’s sexual experiences began in childhood when he was molested by an adult male. “He reports that his victimization involved mutual masturbation,” Atwell wrote. “He experienced ongoing guilt, shame, and confusion related to his sexuality following that experience.

“He identified lingering feelings of sexual inadequacy associated with the physical differences in size between his own penis and that of the perpetrator.”

Shortly afterward, Atwell reported, Luther began indulging in “sex play” with other children, “in which he described himself as ‘the abuser.’ ” At age 12, Luther was involved in a sexual relationship with a woman, apparently an aunt, Atwell wrote, who treated him as “her little man.”

As an adult, his relationships with women were sexual rather than for emotional intimacy. “He says he has a very strong sex drive and enjoys daily, often repeated, love-making with his girlfriends. He currently masturbates daily.”

By February 1981, Luther’s relationship with Sue Potter was breaking down; they argued frequently, centered around his drug use and the financial burden she presented. During this time, Luther told Atwell, he developed a fantasy about being in control of a relationship that had evolved into a rape fantasy. “His fantasy was of having his position of control validated by a strange woman who would acquiesce after being stalked and confronted, and with whom he would then enjoy consensual sex.

“He denies, however, that he had this fantasy in mind when he picked up his victim at the bus terminal.... He believes that the rape occurred because he was acting out his need to be in control. He is unclear how that need might relate to his childhood conflicts with his mother ... but he denies any current or ongoing rape fantasies.”

Luther told the psychologist that he hoped for a “viable, satisfying relationship” when he got out of prison with Debrah Snider. She was “the only one who had any expectations of him.”

The psychologist had his doubts. “Tom appears to have only limited access to his emotional experiences ... his judgment in highly emotional situations is likely to reflect idiosyncratic interpretations of others’ behavior toward him.

“Thomas Luther’s emotional life is characterized by acute episodes of ragefulness ... emotional storms. While his rage episodes are intense, they are generally short-lived. He denies any ongoing destructive or homicidal ideation related to people he is angry with, but acknowledges being overwhelmed by such feelings in the past.

“He reacts strongly to experience of invalidation and/or confrontation by women with anger and brooding resentment.”

While Luther would prefer to have others think of him as a “hyper-responsible, good person, his vulnerability to psychological injury and his limited capacity to tolerate emotional discomfort without responding with rage, impedes his efforts.”

“Tom frequently protects himself from injury by adopting a tough guy posture,” Atwell reported.

The psychologist diagnosed Luther as having a personality disorder with “features of Sexual Sadism.” “He in many ways appears to be a man continuing to be tormented by his childhood abuse.”

Atwell’s prognosis for Luther dealing with his anger was not encouraging. Tom, he said, continued to express “strong, hostile feelings toward women rooted both in his relationship with his mother and his aunt.”

Luther had significant needs to be addressed in a sex offender treatment program but wasn’t likely to get it through the Department of Corrections because of his hatred of the program’s director, Atwell reported.

On the other hand, Tom’s “history of explosive, violent release of aggression toward women mitigates against treatment in the community without the most stringent of safeguards.” And he would probably fail in any program that demanded the client be confronted with his behavior, the predominant psychotherapy used with sex offenders.

The frightening dilemma, according to Atwell, was that Luther was unlikely to receive adequate treatment but would still complete his sentence in a maximum of four years and be released “without being rehabilitated and without any supervision requirements.”

In other words, the lion would be back in his domain, hungrier and angrier than ever. And God help the woman who crossed his path when he was on the prowl.

Luther, of course, reacted to the report with anger. He chastised Debrah for hiring Atwell without laying any ground rules. For $6,000, they could have had the psychologist make a positive evaluation. He knew Atwell wasn’t going to help his cause because Atwell was a sucker and believed in the system. He was not going to put his reputation on the line.

But when he wrote to her again on June 20, he had changed his tune because Judge Hart had said he would still consider placing Luther in a community corrections facility, essentially a halfway house with mental health programs. The judge was concerned about what would happen when Luther was freed. He would remain a prisoner, but he would have more independence and less restrictive visiting privileges ... maybe even weekend passes.

Luther felt this was a good thing and now felt Atwell had done a “very good job.” “Facts are facts, and he paints a very clear picture of what you’re dealing with. I hope that ‘reading’ it don’t scare you away.... We’ve finally been given a chance to show all these creeps that don’t believe in us,” he wrote.

In 1992, Luther wrote nearly 200 letters to Debrah Snider, many of them begun on one day and ending several days later. At his most prolific he was spending $2 a week on stamps and another $100 a month for telephone calls. She, of course, paid.

Much of what he had to say dealt with daily prison life—the lack of “yard time,” living with “slobs” in a seven by ten-foot cell, the quality of the food and, of course, the inhumane behavior of the guards. In September he complained that he hadn’t been allowed out in the yard one day because his nine-year-old prisoner identification card no longer accurately described him. The card said he had brown hair, though by now it had turned gray. His hatred had remained constant and he hoped God would give the guards to the devil.

Other letters were full of inmate “humor.” Many expressed his feelings for Debrah in romantic language. However, as the months passed his letters also grew more pornographic as he described the various positions he wanted to experience as he “penetrated” her. Invariably, she would respond that such detail made her uncomfortable and she was not at all sure she that she could live up to his expectations ... or sometimes even wanted to. He would apologize in the next letter, then revert back.

Still, while she was alternately protesting or gingerly accepting the excesses of his libido, she was obsessively jealous of his frequent references to other women. In one, he hoped that she wouldn’t mind that he fantasized about “bedding them all.” He mentioned that since she was still married to Dennis, perhaps he should have “an extra wife.”

When she responded to that with anger, he wrote that he was only teasing ... sort of. “I’ve never told anyone that the root of my problems is I’m always looking for the ultimate experience. I’m never quite happy with what’s normal.... Your conservativeness really makes me question if I’m some kind of oversexed human.”

Of course, he said, he wouldn’t share her with another man, nor did he really want another woman. He only wanted to be for her, and prayed to “the Great Spirit” almost daily to keep him from temptation. The only reason he would want other women would be to prove his manhood to himself.

However, he said, if she could ever see herself joining him with another woman, well ... Debrah almost blew a gasket over that one. He pointed out that she was the one who was married while in love with another man.

Throughout most of this correspondence and visiting room affair, Debrah’s husband, Dennis, had remained remarkably restrained. He offered to sign the ranch over to Debrah even though he had originally purchased it and supported it by working the same job for twenty-five years.

Luther was suspicious of his motives. “He fears a threat just around the corner,” he wrote. “I’m a little afraid of him for you, lover. Emotions are unpredictable and he has a lot of stuff in there he don’t know about.”

Later that summer, Dennis, hurting despite himself because of his failing marriage, fought bitterly with Debrah. Tom was using her, he said; he would leave her as soon as he got out and on his feet.

Debrah told Luther about the argument. He replied that if Dennis got in their way, he’d introduce him to his friend Mongo, who was now free. “Mongo not like mean people,” Luther laughed.

When the arguments between Dennis and Debrah continued, Luther grew threatening. “He better stop upsetting you, or I’ll see to it that his righteous ass meets God. You’re my girl now and he better understand that. He’s no longer your husband, I am.... I am the alpha male here.”

Whatever sensitivity he showed toward Debrah, Luther was never far from his anger. In hindsight, his letters offered a fascinating glimpse of a man who may have wanted to be “a good guy,” or at least to be thought of as such, but who could not control his darker nature. A man with a heart half good, half bad. The alpha wolf—the pack’s best killer. His letters proved prescient.

“If I have to hide in the mountains and sneak out at night to be able to be with you that’s what I’d do. I feel like howling with the wolf that’s warning me of my weakness and death,” he wrote in one letter.

And in another, “You’re water all clean and pure, and I’m oil all dirty and spoiled. It’s a fact, Deb, that oil and water don’t mix.... There’s death here and pain for many. I love you, Tom.”

At times, he seemed to hold onto Debrah as if he knew that she was the only one who might have been able to save him. “A few years ago, I was convinced that I could go out of here and hunt these bastards down and kill them one at a time and get my revenge. But you reconditioned me with your love and tenderness.... I get on these kicks that I could be the monster.”

It was hopeless. Lion, wolf, or monster, he was a predator, and Debrah Snider of all people should have known she couldn’t change his nature. She certainly had enough hints. “I can’t shake this anger,” he wrote. “I’m trying to understand why I push when I should pull, why I hate when I want to love.”

Perhaps then Luther had a premonition when he wrote, “I want to love you forever and be with you longer.... The only thing that could change that is something really unthinkable happening or you calling the law on me.” He wondered if he really was allergic to prunes. “Or did God put us together for a purpose.”

If so, it was not the purpose Luther had in mind.

Luther learned in August that he would not be accepted into the community corrections program; with his record as a violent offender they didn’t want to take the chance. There was also a concern from his probation officer that the woman he listed as his main outside support was married with a family.

For once, Luther took bad news well. To hell with the community corrections program, he now hoped that Judge Hart would simply reduce his sentence and let him out at the end of the year. Time and again, he had reminded the judge that he was a victim of an unjust justice system, that he had accepted a plea bargain under an “implied contract” that he would be out in seven years.

Luther wrote to Hart asking him to consider probation with the stipulation that he get treatment. “I would do very well with intense supervised probation because I want to perform the duties of a good man. I need to get my life going after this long time I’ve been away in a time lock. I need to stop being dead emotionally and love this wonderful caring woman that has come into my life.

“Please don’t punish me any more. I’ve done that all my life to myself. Open the gate and let me start walking the road to prove myself. I’ll make you proud sir.”

With the letter sent, Luther’s bigger concern was keeping Debrah from going off the deep end. On Labor Day, after hearing about the community corrections rejection, she wrote him a letter talking about suicide again. She said she would wait until December to see if what he said about the judge commuting his sentence would come true. “But I’m afraid. I’m afraid of your going crazy again. I don’t want to feel the way I felt last November and December [when he went on his hunger strike and was moved into the segregation cell].”

“You can use your anger to shut out your feelings. I can’t. I’d rather die like I felt today—sad, but okay.

“I hate Judge Hart. He may help your life if he cuts your sentence, but if things don’t work out the way you think they will, he won’t have helped my life at all.”