Monster: Angels of Chaos MC (11 page)

Chapter 19

I didn’t sleep well last night. Nightmares kept me tossing and turning until I gave up entirely. I decide to go to the shop, rather than wasting time in bed. I’m only going crazy here. My brain won’t leave me alone.

I might as well be productive if I can’t sleep. I can get some baking done before customers start coming in.

There’s something about the perfect silence of the shop in the early hours. Totally dark, empty except for the display case and coffee machines, tables and chairs. It sits quietly, waiting for people to come in and make it bustle again.

The back rooms are even better. This is my church. Back here is where I do much of my thinking, planning, dreaming. While I’m measuring ingredients into the stand mixer, rolling dough on a floured table, pouring batter into muffin tins, I might as well be meditating. Sometimes I’m so deep in thought, I don’t notice Amy trying to get my attention.

That’s why it’s best for me to work at times like this, when there’s no one around to bother me. I preheat the ovens, then take stock of what needs to be baked. Chocolate chip cookies, chocolate muffins, carrot cake muffins, banana bread…I have my work cut out for me.

It’s joy, though. I’m so lucky to enjoy my work. I turn on the radio, then sink deep into measuring and mixing.

Jax hasn’t called since I went to sleep last night—or at least, when I tried to go to sleep. I’m almost dreading the sound of the phone ringing now. I thought once I blocked Tommy I wouldn’t have to be so frightened anymore.

The thing is, I’m not frightened, exactly. More like confused, mistrusting, wishing I knew the whole truth. Wishing Jax had the balls to tell me about his past. I asked him about her, for God’s sake! I flat-out asked him who she was. He didn’t lie, but he wasn’t completely truthful.

Of course, would I have been completely truthful if it were me? I can’t say for sure. I can only imagine the pain Jax must feel when he thinks about his wife. Not to mention the way people have talked about him.

I think back to the way he treated me while we were together. There wasn’t a single hint of harshness, roughness—not toward me, that is. He wanted to kill Tommy. He still might. But not me. He was sarcastic, argumentative, rough around the edges. But not violent.

I can’t believe he’d kill his own wife.

That being said, I can’t help but think about the way he threw me over his shoulder, carrying me into the house. He was strong enough to do just about anything to me. Marissa was a tiny little thing. Imagine what he might have done to her when his temper was up. It’s clear to me he has a fearsome temper that he hardly manages to keep under control sometimes.

Yes, but Marissa was shot in the chest. I might buy into the “he didn’t know his own strength” excuse if she was beaten to death. That’s not the case. I can’t imagine Jax holding a gun to Marissa’s chest, pulling the trigger. I try to conjure up the image, but it doesn’t come. It’s too far-fetched. It doesn’t fit with the man I know.

There’s no doubt about him being part of the club, however. The ink on his chest is all the proof I need. I can’t overlook that. What sort of things has he done? Even if he didn’t murder Marissa, has he ever murdered another person? Beaten them? Stolen from them? The odds aren’t in favor of him having a clean record.

Can I handle that? Right now, no, even though I’m in a better mental place than I was last night. I don’t have the urge to scrub my skin until it nearly bleeds. Still, I can’t pretend I’m happy that he’s in a club like the Angels of Chaos. If we were together, would I have to get to know those people? I don’t know.

I’m jumping the gun. I need to take a breather. I need to steer clear of Jax, too, no matter how many times he calls or leaves sexy messages. I can’t imagine that that will go on for much longer before he gets frustrated. He knows where I work. Will he come to town to find me? I shudder to think of the scene we might cause. The big, bad biker and the quiet coffee shop owner. That’ll get tongues wagging.

How do I manage to find these guys? I shake my head at myself while scooping batter into muffin tins. It’s as though I have an attraction to all the wrong men. I need to develop better instincts.

“Hey!” I hear Amy calling out from inside the front door and call out in reply. Have two hours really passed so quickly? I fell into baking meditation once again.

“How long have you been here?” she asks, hanging up her coat. She looks cute today, as always, in her festive sweater. I try to keep my heart from aching when I think about the time I could be spending with my parents. I think on how different my life would be right now if that damned snowstorm hadn’t blown in.

“A couple of hours. I couldn’t sleep.” I slide muffin plans into the oven, deliberately avoiding Amy’s eyes.

“Oh, honey. I could tell you were upset yesterday before you left. I’m sorry.”

I manage a smile. “It’s okay. I appreciate you setting me straight.”

“So did I? Like, have you decided to give him up?”

I shrug. “I’d like to say I did, but I can’t. Not entirely.”

“Oh, Christina…”

“You don’t know. I feel like the world’s biggest idiot, standing here saying this to you, but it’s true. You don’t know him. All anybody knows is the rumors about him, who he’s connected to. Remember, he saved my life.”

“So I’m guessing you don’t believe he killed his wife?”

“My gut keeps telling me he didn’t. I can’t help it. Yeah, I freaked out big time last night.” I shift uncomfortably, the skin of my arms still a little raw beneath the sleeves of my sweater. “Now that I’ve had time to think it over critically, though, it doesn’t add up.”

“You’re sure your hormones aren’t steering you wrong?”

I scowl. “I’m sure. That’s the last thing on my mind right now. I’m not a horny teenager, Amy.”

She holds up her hands. “I know, I know. But it’s hard sometimes, separating fact from feelings. That’s all I’m saying.”

God, she’s so right. I can’t tell her how right she is or else I’ll wind up telling her my entire sordid history. I’m not sure I can handle that level of emotion today. Lord knows I’ve had trouble separating the facts of my relationship with Tommy from the way I felt for him. If I hadn’t let a misplaced sense of duty, guilt, and shame overwhelm me for so long, I would have walked out after the first time he laid a hand on me.

It wasn’t even love, I realize now. Hindsight is twenty-twenty, so it’s easy to see how little love was left between us, especially for me toward him. He needed me. I was his everything. This was the price of a long-term relationship. I can’t believe I fed myself that garbage for so long.

I know if I’d let anyone else in my life see inside my relationship they’d have ordered me to get away from him. That’s how bad it was, especially in the last year or so, which is why I hid everything. I slowly and methodically disconnected myself from my friends just so I wouldn’t have to face their scrutiny or deal with the exhausting task of keeping my misery under wraps. I couldn’t admit to myself how bad it was, but I instinctively put on a happy face for the rest of the world while never once mentioning Tommy to anyone. How messed up is that?

Am I making that same mistake now? Lying to myself when it’s so obvious I’m being a fool? Would it be smarter to write Jax Fairbanks off as a weekend fling, something anybody would have gotten into under the circumstances? I mean, two young people snowed into together over three days, one of them being a gorgeous, uber-masculine hunk. I’m only human.

There’s no time to think about it any longer, because the sun’s coming up and the customers will be piling in before I know it. I fill the coffee machines with water and turn on the lights in the display case before filling them with trays of goodies. Amy takes the chairs from the tables while chattering away about some little drama she’s having with her boyfriend. I can’t help smiling, knowing how hard she’s working to keep my spirits up.

They don’t stay up for long, though. One of the first things I hear from a customer has to do with the club.

“Mr. Hauser! You shouldn’t be walking down the sidewalks in this weather!” It’s been cold in the aftermath of the blizzard, and while streets and sidewalks are clear, any snow that melts during the day freezes over at night. I’m sure he must have encountered ice on the way in.

“What can I say? We were jonesing for some of your muffins and a little coffee. I just can’t get by on that regular stuff anymore. You’ve turned me into a latte convert, young lady!”

“I’m flattered, but I wish you’d take it easy. I’ll box up a few more muffins to tide you over until things clear up out there. Okay?” I wink at him and turn away to make the coffee.

“Say, Jim!” I hear Mr. Hauser call out to one of the other customers, a retired cop. “You hear the club’s back in town?”

The hair stands up on the back of my neck. Amy, who’s pouring plain coffee, clears her throat.

“Yeah, I did.” Jim’s voice is tight, tired. “Don’t envy the boys dealing with them now. That was a helluva pain in the ass—oh, excuse my language, ladies.”

“Don’t mention it!” Amy’s cheerful voice cuts through my haze of turbulent thoughts.

“I heard a warehouse a few miles down the road was torched last night. Can’t say it was them; can’t say it wasn’t. Rumor has it another club owns the land.”

I close my eyes. Will this torture ever end? I’m sure Jax wasn’t involved in that. Was he? Did he text me sexy things while standing off to the side as the warehouse went up in flames?

I turn back to Mr. Hauser, coffee cups in a cardboard holder, begging him to be careful out there. Jim offers to drive him home. I’m glad for it—not to mention being glad they’re taking their conversation elsewhere.

The club’s back in town, and back in business. What does that mean for Jax?

Chapter 20

All I can think about is getting home and getting some sleep. My early morning started catching up with me after the lunch crowd passed through. I’ve been dragging my feet ever since. Still, the smile hasn’t left my face all day. It’s a busy day, too, which helps the time pass.

There’s no mistaking the relief I feel when I finally walk through my front door. The house might not be big—I don’t need much space—but it’s cozy. One thing I have in common with Marissa is my fondness for homey décor. Well, that and Jax.

The sight of a big, overstuffed sofa is just what my tired eyes need. I sink into it, stretching out once my shoes are off. Oh, sweet relief. I’m not even hungry, just exhausted.

I can’t spend all night here, though. I’ll wake up in the morning with a stiff back, wearing the clothes I wore to work. Yuck. I force myself up, rubbing my eyes, running my hands through my thick hair in an attempt to wake up. I decide to get online for a while, distracting myself from thoughts of sleep until a more reasonable bedtime rolls around. Maybe I’ll order a pizza or something while I’m at it.

The first thing my eyes fall upon when I open my social media is an inbox full of messages. This is weird. I usually get my messages via email, not like this. Maybe I was added to a conversation with a bunch of other people and I’m getting all their responses. Ugh. I hate that.

But no. The truth is much worse. I have an inbox full of Tommy.

I put my hands over my mouth, staring at the screen. There are dozens of messages. It’s like he was holding a one-sided conversation all day long. I’m glad I don’t get notifications on my phone, or I would have been going crazy at the shop.

I shouldn’t look at them. I should ignore them, delete them. Get on with my life.

But I can’t. Who could? I start reading, my heart sinking lower with each awful message.

Who do you think you are, ignoring me? Do you think you can just walk away?

You can’t hide from me. I’ll find you anywhere.

I told you, I’ll never let you go, bitch.

Who are you fucking now, you slut? I hope they’re as bored with you as I was.

You’re nothing without me.

It goes on, but I’ve had enough. I move the cursor over his screenname, my hand shaking on the mouse, and block his account. At least he’s not online at the moment. I’m not sure I could handle live chat.

It’s the same everywhere, on every account. Nasty comments on my photos, which I delete—I hope none of my friends saw them. Nasty messages, which I save in case I ever need to use them. Nasty everything. He’s even gone so far as to create several fake accounts. I block them all, then tighten my security options. Nobody outside my contacts or friends can leave a comment or message, nor can they see any of my activity. I hope this does the trick.

The words are no longer on the screen, but they’re burned into my brain.
Slut. Bitch. You got fat since you left your boyfriend. You look like shit in this picture. You’re a disgusting pig.

Words can’t hurt me. He’s crazy. It doesn’t mean anything.

But it does. He’ll go to any lengths to stalk me. He’ll spend endless hours terrorizing me.

I don’t have a lot of experience with the police, so I don’t pretend to know more than I know. But thanks to what I’ve seen on TV and in movies, one word keeps coming to mind: escalating. He’s escalating. He’s not begging me to take him back anymore, not telling me he loves me.

What will he do next?

Later on, in bed, all I can do is stare at the ceiling.

***

I’m a total mess at the shop. This makes two nights in a row in which sleep was nearly nonexistent. It’s showing, too. Yesterday I was able to play it off. One sleepless night is bearable. Today I’m screwing up right and left.

“I asked for a mocha with three shots, no whipped cream.”

“Oh, you did?” I look at Mrs. Schwartz, her face slightly blurry.
Damn. I screwed up again
.

“Are you feeling all right, Christina? You normally know my order before it even comes out of my mouth.”

I sigh, frustrated. She’s not upset. I am, though. I throw the drink down the drain behind the counter. That’s three drinks I’ve screwed up this morning. I start on a new one, apologizing even as I curse myself silently.
Get it together, girl
. I can’t let my customers see me falling apart.

Once the morning rush is over, I nearly crumple to the floor in relief. I go to one of the tables, not bothering to clean it off before sinking into a chair. I fold my arms on the table and rest my head there.

I hear Amy walking around, cleaning up, humming to herself. She’s stayed miraculously quiet all morning, not commenting on my short temper or inability to keep an order straight. I know this means I’m in for it now. I wait.

It doesn’t take long. “I guess I don’t need to point out that this isn’t like you.”

“You’re right. You don’t.” I can’t even pick my head up from my arms.

“Chris…”

I sigh, unwilling to meet her eyes. I can’t handle a lecture right now. I’m too tired, my nerves too frayed. I don’t trust myself to take it well, and I don’t want to alienate the only true friend I have in town, not to mention a fabulous employee.

“I’ve just been having trouble sleeping. That’s all. I’m really tired. A good night’s sleep will get me back in the game, coach.”

“I’m sure it will.” She doesn’t sound convinced. “I have some sleeping pills at home. I’d gladly get them for you.”

I pat her arm. “No, thanks. I’ve tried them, but they always leave me feeling hungover until at least noon. I’d still be a zombie either way.”

She bites her lip, watching me. “Okay. I just want you to be all right, you know? I’m always here for anything you need. I mean anything.”

“I appreciate it—and you.” I give her a hug, wishing I could be totally honest.

I know she thinks I’m so wiped out because of Jax and the club. I want so much to tell her the truth, to clear Jax’s name, at least a little bit in her eyes if no one else’s. But that would mean sharing the Tommy history. I can’t bring myself to do that. There’s still too much shame wrapped up in it. Mostly shame toward myself that I let myself be his victim for so long.

***

I stumble into the house, wanting nothing more than to collapse into bed and never come out. It’s only a little after four o’clock—Amy ordered me to go home while she cleaned up and close the place down. I was in no position to argue. I wondered at the time whether I’d make the drive home without falling asleep.

I can’t go to bed yet, or else my entire sleep schedule will be messed up. I can’t keep waking up at two in the morning. It’s not sustainable. I need to make it at least a few more hours.

I kick off my shoes, wondering vaguely about an early dinner. I dropped the mail on the kitchen counter, sorting through it without really paying attention to anything. My brain is mush.

Among the usual junk mail and a few bills is a plain white envelope. My name and address are written on it in big, block letters. There’s no return address.

The postmark is Texas.

My hands start shaking so hard I drop the envelope. I highly doubt one of my friends back in Texas suddenly decided to send me a letter. Besides, none of them knew where I’d moved. This was a deliberate choice. I didn’t want to give Tommy a chance to find me.

So who had?

I deliberate over whether to open the envelope in the first place. It could hold anything. Well, not anything, since it’s only a letter-sized envelope. But any number of things can fit into a small space. I chew my thumbnail distractedly. Should I just throw it away?

I can’t stand not knowing if it’s from him, and what it says. To be careful, I put on a pair of kitchen gloves. I’m sure Tommy didn’t get his hands on toxic chemicals. But I wouldn’t put anything past him.

I tear open the envelope, my heart pounding. I’m terrified, nauseated. Holding my breath, I peer inside the envelope.

The only thing in there is a newspaper clipping. I carefully pull it out, immediately recognizing it as the article which appeared in the local paper when I took over ownership of the coffee shop. There was a picture of me featured there, smiling in front of the shop, a platter of baked goods in my hand. I’d clipped the article myself, actually, feeling intensely proud. It’s hanging in a frame behind the counter at the shop right now.

But the one in the shop doesn’t have the words
DIE, WHORE
scrawled across my face.

I lunge for the sink, the contents of my stomach coming up through my mouth before I can think twice. When I finish heaving, I run the water, rinsing my mouth.

He found me. I should have known. He always told me I could never get away from him.

And now he wants me to die.

I scream out loud, the sound startling me. I sound like an animal. A cornered animal. Is he outside, right now, waiting for me? Watching me through the kitchen window?

“I hate you!” I scream. “I hate you! Fucking die and leave me alone!” I sink into a chair by the kitchen table, wracked with sobs. He found me; he found me. He wants me to die.

Somewhere in the midst of my sobs, I hear my phone ringing. Oh, my God. Is it him? Was he waiting for me to open his sick little message? I should have known I couldn’t run away. Blocking him wasn’t enough.

I go to the living room, picking up the phone. I expect to see his name there somehow. But it’s not him. It’s Jax.

“Jax! Oh, thank God!”

“Whoa. Finally answering your phone? And happy to hear my voice?”

“Jax, please…!”

“Wait.” He’s serious now. “Are you all right? Jesus, I never thought you might be in trouble.”

“There’s trouble! Yes!” I dissolve into tears again.

“What’s wrong? Where are you?”

“I’m at home. Only…oh, Jax…I got a clipping in the mail just now. Somebody sent it…I don’t know who but I’m pretty sure it was him.”

“What’s the clipping of?” There’s danger in his voice.

“Me. An announcement that I took over the shop. I don’t know how the hell he got his hands on it.”

“Anything else?”

“It says…over my picture, it says…die, whore.” I’m nearly hysterical now. “Don’t you see? He knows where I live now! How did he find me? What can I do?” I’m doubled over on the couch, rocking back and forth.

“Are your doors locked?”

“Yes, I’m sure of it.”

“Double check for me. Lock the windows, too. I’ll be there as fast as I can. Don’t let anybody in, don’t investigate any noises, don’t do anything until I get there. Okay?”

I’m flooded with relief. He’s coming. He’ll protect me. Thank God.

“Christina? Do you hear me?”

“Yes, I hear you. I’ll do what you say.”

“It shouldn’t take more than ten minutes. I’ll be there soon. Call me if anything else happens.”

I heave a sigh of relief. He’s coming.

I can’t even bother to wonder right now whether I’m really safe with him.