Monster (20 page)

Crap.

I had been kinda
insensitive telling him to get over it.

But how was I supposed
to know?

“How did she
die?” I asked. I was curious and he was, apparently, really
forthcoming about his past.

“Lung cancer,”
he said easily. “She didn't smoke. But Pops did.”

Oh god.

Okay.

My story was starting
to sound less horrific than his.

Not that it was a
contest. But if it was... he would win. Easy.

I felt tears sting the
backs of my eyes and felt a wave of horror wash over me. That wasn't
me. I wasn't the crying kind of girl. I was the put your chin up,
throw your shoulders back, and pretend nothing got to you kind of
girl. I wasn't going to cry for little ten year old Breaker while
big, manly, reasonably well-adjusted Breaker stood a few feet from
me.

His eyes warmed for a
second watching me. Like maybe he knew what I was struggling with.
Then, his voice a little amused, “Your toast is burning.”

I whipped around,
hitting the buttons and, sure enough, they were blackened. But
salvageable. I rummaged around for a knife and scraped the char off
over the garbage before buttering them.

“Thanks babe,”
he said easily, taking a triangle and biting into it.

I hadn't thanked him
for dinner.

Shit.

Okay.

I needed to like...
muster up some basic social skills or something.

I munched on a piece of
toast, looking out the window into his backyard. “So, um,
like...” oh my god. I needed to stop mumbling. “What do
you... do?”

His head tilted to the
side. “What?”

“When you're
not... working? What do you do?”

He shrugged. “Workout.
Watch movies. Go out with Shoot or Paine.”

A part of me realized
that going out with Shoot or Paine (whoever the hell that was)
involved all three of them taking off in different directions with
different women. I pushed down the weird twinge of jealousy.

We had sex.

That didn't give me the
right to plant my flag in him.

He probably fucked
around all the time.

Why was I even thinking
about his former sexual conquests? That was totally none of my
business. He wasn't wondering about mine. And he damn well wasn't
feeling jealous about them. Not that he should seeing as they were
just... pathetic compared to him.

“Alex,” his
voice called and my head snapped to him. “Called you twice,”
he said, making me blush slightly.

“Sorry. I was...
somewhere else.”

“Where?”

“Not here.”

At this, I got a brow
raise. “What's with the fuckin' walls, doll?”

“What walls?”

“The ten foot
tall barbed wire ones you wear around you like a security blanket.”

Well hell.

He
got
me.

But that didn't mean he
needed to know that.

“I don't know
what you're talking about.”

“You're not
trying to keep me at a distance?”

“Don't be
ridiculous.”

Breaker put his mug
down on the counter, shaking his head. “Babe, I'm pretty sure
it was you I was inside last night,” he started and I felt my
cheeks heat. He did
not
just say that. “I know what you
feel like and sound like when you come. I know what you taste like.
And you don't think you can tell me what you were just thinking about
a minute ago? You don't think you can let me in just a little bit?”

“For what
purpose?”

“Because that's
what people do, Alex,” he said, his voice getting harsh. “You
can't live a life hiding behind a computer, telling yourself
vengeance is more important than living. Making connections. Going
out. Sharing your story. What the fuck are you so scared of?”

“I'm not scared
of anything!” I screeched, throwing away the rest of my toast,
no longer hungry. I had never had an argument with a guy. Not ever.
It was weird and it was making my belly twist and turn. And my old
trusty friend anger was rearing his ugly head.

“Bull fucking
shit, Alex. You're scared of
everything
.”

That wasn't true. I
wasn't scared of anything. Not the way most people were. Not in a way
that made them cautious, that made them second guess things they
wanted to do. I just barreled ahead, to hell with the consequences.
What was the worst that could happen? I'd die? So what?

“No, I'm not...”

“You're so scared
of life that you're not fuckin' scared of dyin', Alex,” he
said, his voice softer and his words fell with a weighted feeling
inside me.

Because he was right.

He was right.

And that was, at once,
really frustrating and overwhelmingly upsetting.

I was scared to live a
life that didn't involve revenge. I didn't even know what a life like
that would mean. If that was taken away from me, what would I have
left?

I didn't even have to
pause to know that answer: nothing. I would have nothing.

I felt my shoulders
sag, my head looking down at my feet.

God, I was pretty
pathetic.

“Don't do that,”
Breaker's voice cut in and I could see his feet moving toward me.
“Don't pull away just because I'm right,” he said, his
hand going under the side of my jaw that wasn't bruised.

“Just leave me
alone, Breaker,” I said, my voice small. Was it really so hard
to see that I wanted to be alone? That I had some shit to sort
through?

“That ain't gonna
happen. You're gonna stop burrowing into yourself and let me in.”

“Why do you
care?” I shot out, my gaze lifting to his and realizing
immediately that it was a mistake.

“Because you came
crashing into my life talking about twisted porn and taking down the
city's worst crime lord in years. You showed me your grit and
determination. Your weird brand of selfless strength. Your smart
fuckin' mouth. And your phenomenal fuckin' body. You gave me that.
For a day, Alex. A fucking
day
. And I can't get enough of it.
So I want more.”

“What if I can't
give you more?”

“You can,”
he said simply, his thumb stroking across my lips. “But maybe
that can wait a bit,” he said, his gaze falling to my mouth.

“Wait?” I
asked, feeling a heaviness settling on my chest, a heat rising in my
belly.

“First I think I
need a reminder about that phenomenal body,” he clarified.

At his words, there was
that pre-orgasm fluttering again and I pressed my thighs tighter
against it.

“That I can give
you,” I said carefully, watching as his eyes darkened.

“God damn right
you can,” he said, stepping away. Then moving away, turning his
back on me and going toward the living room. “Ain't gonna wait
all day for you to follow me,” he called as he lowered himself
down onto the couch. “Get your pretty little ass over here and
ride me.”

Oh.

Geez.

Okay.

Alright.

Before my mind could
even make the decision, my feet were carrying me toward him. I moved
around the front of him, standing between his open legs.

“Tee off,”
he instructed, watching me in a lazy way.

I reached for the hem
and hauled off the tee, dropping it on the floor next to my feet. I
took a shaky breath, watching his eyes move slowly down my body, then
just as slowly back up.

“Go get a condom
out of the nightstand,” he instructed and I reached
self-consciously for my tee again. “No,” he said, putting
his foot down on it. “Go like that.”

“Breaker...”
I tried to reason.

“Like when you
say my name. I like it better when you say it when I'm inside you. So
go get a fuckin' condom so I can hear that again.”

Flutter flutter
flutter.

He was killing me and
he hadn't so much as brushed the air around me. So I swallowed hard
against the insecurity, turned, and made my way back to the bedroom.
I grabbed a condom out of his nightstand and made my way back, trying
like hell to keep my chin up and a blush off my cheeks. A mantra like
one of those ridiculous self-help hypnosis cds playing in my head on
a loop:
I am a strong, confident, sexually experienced woman who
does not need to feel ashamed of her nudity.

I handed the
condom to Breaker who slipped his sweatpants down, casually pulling
out his hard cock, and slipping it on.

I felt a clench in my
sex at the sight before his eyes rose to me again. “Come here,”
he said, his voice rough and soft at the same time. Which didn't seem
possible, but it was.

I moved toward him,
putting a knee on either side of his thighs so I was straddling him.
His hands immediately went to my hips, moving up and over my ribs,
running across the sensitive undersides of my breasts before covering
them and squeezing, making my head fall back on a groan as my hips
lowered, seeking him and the fulfillment he offered.

“You already wet
for me, doll?” he asked, one of his hands going around my back
to push me forward toward him, his head ducking so his mouth could
take my nipple, rolling his tongue over it until it was straining,
then sucking hard.

“Yes,” I
admitted, my hips rocking across his cock.

“Then take my
cock,” he said, moving over to the other nipple and repeating
the torture until my rocking became more frantic and I reached down
between us, taking his cock in my hand, and moved it toward the
entrance, pausing when he pressed against me. His head rose, one of
his hands going to the back of my neck and digging in. “Take me
inside you, Alex,” he instructed, and the flutter was so strong
it was practically a full-blown orgasm. So I lowered my hips, feeling
him press across the threshold and closing my eyes on a moan. “No,”
he said, the hand on the back of my neck tightening hard enough to
bruise. “Look at me when you fuck me.”

My eyes opened slowly,
feeling heavy, like I had to fight to keep them open. Until I found
his ice blue eyes, seeing the coolness there completely absent,
replaced entirely by warmth, by heat. And I never wanted to look
away.

“'Kay,” I
said quietly, feeling him bury to the hilt.

“Show me how you
want it,” he told me, his other hand moving to press at the
lowest part of my back, just above my ass.

Then I started moving.
At first, just rocking my hips forward and back before starting an up
and down thrust, feeling my body clench hard around him every time
his cock withdrew.

“You like it
slow?” he asked, not sounding disappointed, despite that 'no
slow and sweet lover' warning he had given me before.

But even as he asked, I
could feel the desire reaching a fever-pitch, becoming an
overwhelming, clawing need to be released. And my hips started moving
faster, my breathing becoming more ragged, my heart slamming. My
hands moved to his hard chest, digging in slightly as my pace became
more and more erratic, too far gone to keep it steady.

“Fuck,” he
growled, both of his hands moving until they were at my hips and he
held them in place, his body suddenly starting to move under mine,
thrusting up into me in a fast, steady pace that had the whimpers
becoming load, constant moans as my body felt the end coming close.
“Tell me you like when I fuck you,” he said in a deep,
struggling voice.

“I like when you
fuck me,” I answered immediately. It was true. Painfully so.
“Oh my god... fuck...” I groaned, my nails nipping into
the skin of his chest as I felt the tightening deep in my core, the
threat of the explosion. Then his cock thrust upward again and I felt
my orgasm tearing through my system, his name coming out on a
strangled gasp.

I fell forward, my face
burying into his neck as it rolled through me, making my body jolt in
aftershocks.