Monsters in the Midwest (Book 2): Northwoods Wolfman (15 page)

“You’re
doing great.”

“Who
are you talking to?” Dallas demanded, walking back into the room with a fresh
beer. “I keep hearing someone. Who’s here?” he asked, loudly, looking around.

“You
punched him, Dallas. When he beat you at bowling, you walked right up and
socked him in the jaw. If that wasn’t jealousy, what was it? A
well-intentioned, but poorly executed high five?” she asked, ignoring his
question.

“I
know that was a shitty thing to do,” Dallas admitted, still looking around the
room for the third voice. “But I also apologized. Even bought the guy a drink
after. Look, guys do that sometimes, especially during bowling. I wouldn’t
expect you to understand, but bowling is a highly competitive sport. Tempers
can flare up, but it doesn’t mean anything.”

“He
was on your team and had just helped your team win the championship tourney.
Stanley was on his team and didn’t punch him. Neither did the guys on the other
team. Just you, Dallas. Admit it. You were jealous of Herb and his newfound
gifts.”

“Gifts!
Yeah, that guy in the woods that they found, he got one of Herby’s gifts. Or
those college frat boys and the stripper they found in the dumpster at
Nekked’s. I’m sure they really appreciated Herb’s gifts. And Helen, bless her
perfectly heart-shaped behind and fantastic rack…” He paused, looking contrite.
“Sorry, but it’s true. The girl was a Penthouse Letter in the flesh, but what
did Herb do? Turned her into a vamp and tossed her in a tanning booth.”

Lois
squeezed her hands into fists. “The guy in the woods was an accident! It was
Herb’s first time trying to feed, and he got scared. Helen was an accident too.
He had just become a vampire and didn’t have a clue how any of it worked. Helen
might’ve been a wet dream for the guys in town, but she wasn’t the brightest
bulb in the tanning booth and didn’t realize UV light would kill her. It wasn’t
Herb’s fault. He barely knew what he was. How could he have warned her?”

Dallas
looked at Lois like she’d just grown a second head. “What are you talking
about? Look, you can be all heart-broken and weird about your dead vampire
boyfriend, but that’s no excuse to start making up all kinds of stories.”

“I’m
not making up stories, Dallas. It’s what happened.”

“Really?
And how would you know what happened? Were you there?” Dallas crossed his arms
across his chest and stared down at Lois.

“No,
she wasn’t there, Dallas. I was.”

Dallas’s
breath caught in his throat. The soft voice had a tinny, hollow sound. For some
reason, he remembered playing telephone as a kid with two tin cans and a
string. The voice kind of sounded like that. When he thought about it, the
voice also sounded like,

“Herb?”

Dallas’s
head swiveled to and fro. Turning back to Lois, he voiced his sudden anger.

“What
the hell, Lois? What kind of sick joke is this?”

Lois
spread her arms. “No joke, Dallas. It’s Herb.”

“Where?
Is this some witchy stuff? If that’s really Herb, then where is he?”

“Well,
for the time being, he’s in there,” she replied, pointing at the can of
Milwaukee’s Best on the coffee table.

“Howdy-do.”

Dallas
blinked. It sounded like the tinny voice came from the beer can. As in,
from the
beer can.

“What
in the…,” he started. “It can’t be. It just,” he groped for words. “Can’t be.”

Lois
stood and faced Dallas. “You were right, Dallas. It is witchy stuff. I’m a
witch, and I brought Herb back.”

“Back?
Like, back from the dead?” Dallas asked, incredulous.

“Worse.
Turns out vampires aren’t really heaven material, so I was in a pretty bad
place. Lois saved me, Dallas.”

“But
why’s he in a beer can?” Dallas asked in a scared whisper.

“I
wanted to be in that Bela Lugosi bowling bag Slow Johnson was selling at the
pro shop, but Lois said it wouldn’t work since I didn’t own it when I was
alive.”
Herb
explained in a reasonable, if still tinny, tone.

Dallas
tried to process that and failed. Looking to Lois for help, she shrugged.

“I
told you. After Herb died, I was a wreck. I wanted him back, so I started
looking for a way. It didn’t take long. Trappersville’s library is surprisingly
well-stocked, and eBay is a great place for supplies.”

“eBay?”
Dallas repeated. “You got Herb-in-a-can on eBay?”

“Sit
down, Dallas,” Lois coaxed. “I’m trying to explain.”

“You’re
going to explain how my best buddy-turned-vampire that I stabbed in the chest
with a busted pool cue and then watched burn to a crisp ended up in a can of
Milwaukee’s Best because you went to the library and did some shopping online?
Like, that can actually be explained?” Dallas asked as a deep panic started to
unfold.

“Pretty
cool, right?”

Dallas
chose that moment to collapse back onto the couch. Lois looked at him to make
sure he wasn’t going to throw up. Apparently satisfied that he was okay for the
moment, she walked to the kitchen and returned with another beer.

“I
never really told anyone this, but there was a reason I moved to
Trappersville,” she said quietly. “My mom’s side of the family was originally
from these parts. Well, I guess if you go back far enough, they were from
Norway, but when my great-grandparents immigrated to America, they settled
here. I grew up in Lincoln, Nebraska, but mom made me spend a few summers up
here with her sister when I was little. I used to think mom was… eccentric
until I met my aunt Helga. That woman was something else. The stuff she would
do…” Lois shook her head and smiled sadly. “I didn’t realize it at the time,
but she was trying to teach me.”

Lois
paused, her eyes losing focus as she looked at her past.

“Anyway,
my last boyfriend before I moved here was the worst of a string of bad mistakes
I’d made, and I needed a fresh start. Aunt Helga had moved back to Norway, but
I remembered how beautiful and serene northern Wisconsin was, and mom always
talked about how great the people were. I figured it would be as good of a
place as any, so I moved. Once I arrived, I started to look up mom’s side of
the family. Between the county’s public records and the library’s local history
section, I found out quite a bit not only about mom and Aunt Helga, but about
their mom and grandma, even their great-grandma. Turns out, ‘eccentric’ runs in
the women of our family. So when Herb died, I had a good idea of what to do.”

Dallas
threw his hands up. “You’ve completely lost me. We were talking about Herb. In.
A. Can.”

“We
are
talking about Herb in a can,”
Lois replied, exasperated. “Sorry, Herb.”

“No
worries. I’m good.”
Herb
replied amicably.

“You’re…
friend at the bowling alley was right, Dallas. I am a witch. I also happen to
be descended from a long line of witches that trace their lineage back to the
early 1500’s in Iceland and northern Norway. We Norwegians were the earliest
and most numerous Scandinavian settlers in Wisconsin. You can still find plenty
of churches that have services in Norwegian all over the state.”

For
a moment, Lois’s expression soured.
“The
church.
Witchcraft wasn’t even
called ‘witchcraft’ until the Holy Church decided it was evil in the 1600’s.
Before that, women with our abilities were honored members of the community. We
provided protection, healthcare, education, farming advice, even marital
counseling. Then suddenly, we were terrible creatures, in league with Satan,
and a perfectly acceptable substitute for firewood if the town’s ignorant
schmucks felt like toasting marshmallows.”

“But
witches
are
evil,” Dallas exclaimed,
jumping to his feet and pacing restlessly. “Everyone knows that. I mean,
casting spells and mixing potions and sneaking around all warty and hag-like.
Not that you’re warty or haggish, but I’ll bet if you keep this up, you’re
gonna be. I told you straight away to knock that witchy stuff off, and I can’t
think of a better reason. Lois, you’re hot. Smokin’ hot! Why would you want to
get all warty and gross?”

“You
must be blind,” Lois responded.

“What?
No! Look, I know you’re in a funk, but you gotta believe me.” Dallas sat back
down on the couch and took Lois’s hands in his own.

“You
really are a babe, Lois. You might not see it now, with your hair pulled back
like that and no makeup and your kinda creepy clothes, but I’ll tell you what.
You hit that tanning booth, slap on a little eyeliner, and show off that tummy
again, and you’ll be back in hot-land. Guaranteed.”

“But
Dallas, I’m talking about
you
.
Masturbation makes you go blind. Everyone knows that.”

Dallas
sputtered for a moment before Herb’s tinny voice chimed in.

“Ooooh!
You got burned, Big D. So burned!”

“Shut
it, Herb, or I’ll recycle your ass.” Dallas dropped Lois’s hands, annoyed at
being laughed at by a talking beer can.

“All
I’m saying is that you can’t believe everything you hear,” Lois explained.
“Jerking off doesn’t make you go blind. Witches aren’t all ugly and covered in
warts, and vampires aren’t always evil monsters.”

“Uh
huh. So, you’re a witch that comes from a long line of hot Norwegian witches,
and Herb was actually a
friendly
vampire that just happened to kill people and drink their blood, and this is
all just one big misunderstanding. Okey doke. Got it.”

Dallas
stood and made for the door. Turning back, he pointed a stern finger at Lois
and shook it for good effect.

“Well,
here’s a little dose of wake-the-hell-up. You cast one more spell. Just one.
You send Herb back to wherever dead vampires are supposed to be, and then you
quit
being a
witch
. Otherwise, you’ll be picking the wrong side, Lois. You’ll be
on the side of monsters and ghosts and demons and all kinds of bad shit. I
ain’t gonna be on that side. I’m the goddamn Hero of Trappersville and a bona
fide member of the Society, and we don’t tolerate that. No sir!”

“What
are you saying, Dallas? That you’d attack me? Kill me?” Lois launched to her
feet, returning Dallas’s glare with her own.

 
“Hey, c’mon guys. Let’s bring it down a notch,
okay? Let’s not do anything crazy,”
Herb pleaded.

“Shut
up, Herb!” Dallas and Lois snapped, still staring at each other.

“Okey
doke. Sorry.”

Dallas
heaved a heavy sigh. “Look, all I’m sayin’ is that my Society pals aren’t the
types to let this slide. If I go back and tell them you’re a witch and you
brought back a vampire and stuck him in a beer can, they’re gonna be pissed,
and they’re gonna come after you. Both of you. It’s what they do, because
humans belong here and monsters don’t.”

“You
haven’t heard a word that I’ve said, have you?” Lois asked, amazed. “Monsters
don’t belong here? Since when do you get to decide who does and doesn’t belong
here?” she sneered. Picking up a small book and throwing it at Dallas, she
continued.

“Before
you run back to your friends and grab the pitchforks, maybe you should read
this.”

Dallas
caught the book like it was a bundle of scorpions.

“Good
god, Dallas. It’s just a book,” Lois sighed, rolling her eyes. “My grandma
wasn’t the first witch in these parts, and Herb wasn’t the first vampire.
Supernatural creatures have found their way here for hundreds, even thousands
of years. They’re a part of Wisconsin, Dallas. Just as much as you are, so you
can’t go around killing them all. If there are bad ones, sure, do what you have
to do, but they aren’t,” she looked at the can containing Herb, “
we
aren’t all bad.”

Still
eyeing the book suspiciously, he asked, “What’s this, then?”

“Just
look,” Lois said, followed by a forced, “Please.”

Dallas
turned the small book over in his hands, fingers tracing its soft, leather
cover. It had decorative tooling along the edges and was tied shut with a
leather thong wrapped around a small button sewn into the cover. Unwrapping the
thong, he opened it and looked at scrawling, handwritten script covering the
yellowed pages in tight, flowing lines. The first page had a date written at
the top, marking the beginning of what was apparently a very old journal.

“Seventeenth,
July, eighteen ninety six. This is like,” Dallas crunched the numbers, failed, and
crunched again. “Over a hundred years old. Whose is it?”

Herb
answered, his soft and tinny voice still giving Dallas the willies.

“Remember
Jerry, my old neighbor? It’s his great-granddad’s diary. He was a travelling
medicinal… am I saying that right?”

“Yes,”
Lois affirmed.

“Okay,
good. So, turns out Jerry’s great-granddad was a travelling medicinal salesman.
The first few entries are pretty dull. Notes about the weather, how hard it is
to get quality tape worm weight loss tonics, some kind of mushy stuff about a
girl named Mable. Skip ahead to the page Lois marked.”