More Than I Can Bear (3 page)

“I'm sorry. I know that sounds cold, but, Norman, that's how I feel.” Paige looked down at her stomach as tears filled her eyes. “I don't want any part of Blake and it sickens me to know a part of him is growing inside of me.”

“But it's a part of you too.”

“But I don't want it to be and I don't look at it that way. To me, it's my rapist's baby. Because my baby, the one I'm going to call my child, will be made in love with a person I am in love with and who is in love with me. Now I've read the books and I've seen the movies where a woman finds herself pregnant by a rapist and she still considers the baby a gift from God. Well my life is not scripted. This is the way I feel and being a Christian does not protect those kinds of feelings from infiltrating my heart. I'm still a Christian.”

“I hear you. I get it and I'm not judging you. I believe you absolutely feel that way right now, but once you have—”

Paige threw her hand up in Norman's face, coming a mere inch from accidentally mushing him. “Unh, unh. Don't you say it. Don't even think about saying it.” Paige stood to her feet and began to pace the floor.

“So if you don't even want me to make a mere mention of you having the baby, then obviously your mind is already made up. So what the hel . . . what the heck are you asking me my advice for?”

“Because you're my friend,” Paige said in a tone begging for her best friend's sympathy.

“No, because you wanted me to say it so that you wouldn't have to. You wanted me to give you marching orders so that you wouldn't feel like it was all your idea. Well it ain't happening.”

“Tah, and since when did it become such an issue with you?” Paige spat. “It wasn't an issue with that trifling Britney Spears lookalike you dated three years ago who told you she was knocked up and ganked you for five hundred dollars to get rid of the baby.”

“Well you know like I know that it turns out she was never really pregnant. She just wanted money so that she could go to Cancun with her girlfriends.”

“Yeah, but you didn't know that at the time you were laying five Benjis in her grimy little paws. You didn't have a conscience about your own poor little unborn baby then, so why have one with mine now?”

“Because yours is real,” Norman countered.

“You thought yours was at the time you laid money for the procedure in her hand.”

“But I wasn't saved then. I didn't know then what I know now. Do you not think for one minute there are not any Christian women today who had abortions back before they knew the Word and were saved? God's not holding that against them. When you know better you do better. Well I know better now, and you can't throw in my face now what I didn't know then. That's not how this Christian thing works. I've only been saved a week and even I know that. That's not how God works.”

“What's God got to do with it?” Paige roared. “This is about me and my inability to love this child the way it would need to be loved. I don't have it in me.”

The word “revelation” might as well have appeared on Norman's forehead as he digested and dissected Paige's words. “Oh, I get it now. This whole ‘you not wanting to have this baby' thing goes beyond the rape and this being Blake's child. You're afraid that the same way you and your mother didn't have the loving mother-daughter relationship you desired, you won't be able to have that with your child either. You're afraid that you won't be able to give your child what you feel your mother didn't give you when you were a child.”

“No, it's not . . .” Paige started, but then decided against lying. “Okay, so maybe you're right. Maybe it's all of those things. And all of those issues equal three strikes. I'm already out of the game before the national anthem is even sung. I can't do this, Norman. I won't. And I haven't even mentioned the challenge of raising a child without a father. I was raised in a two-parent home and I half made it out sane. I can't bring a baby into the world knowing its father isn't going to be in its life because he'll be in jail the next four years for raping and beating his mother, and then on top of that assaulting a court officer during the trial. And what if it's a boy? I can't teach a boy how to be a man. I'm not having this baby.”

“Are you not having this baby or are you not keeping this baby? There is a difference. And not once have I heard you say either ‘A' word. So which is it, Paige. What are you going to do? Which ‘A' word is it going to be?”

Paige paused for a moment and then spoke. “I'm not having this baby, Norman.”

“Then what are you going to do?”

“Not have this baby.”

“We can dance around the word all you want, but if you're big and bold enough to do it, then surely you're big and bold enough to say it. So say it. What are you going to do, Paige?”

Paige shook her head and turned away in shame. “You know what I'm talking about.”

“Say it,” Norman demanded.

“I won't.”

“You can't.”

“It's not that I can't—”

“Then say it. You mean you can trot out here to some clinic to have the procedure done but you can't even fix your lips to say the technical term for it. Wow,” Norman pressed.

“Why are you doing this?”

“Because I need you to listen to yourself. I really want to hear you put that out in the universe if that is truly what you are hell bent on doing. Because I'm not going to stand here and try to talk you out of something your mind is made up on doing. Now if your heart is still on the fence, that is a different story. But if you're all in, then just say it and do what you need to do.”

Paige looked into Norman's eyes that silently pleaded with her to please consider other options. The other ‘A' word might not be so bad, especially if the child landed with a family who could do all the things for the child that Paige couldn't. But did she really want to sacrifice her body for something she felt no connection to?

“Well, what's it going to be?” Norman said.

Paige swallowed hard and then forced herself to say what deep within she'd made up her mind to do from the moment she got her pregnancy results. “Abortion. I'm getting an abortion.” Hearing herself say it almost brought Paige to her knees. As a matter of fact, she would have fallen to her knees if Norman hadn't been there to catch her fall and take her over to the couch.

The two just sat on the couch while Paige buried her face in Norman's chest and cried. “Please don't hate me for my decision, Norman. It doesn't make me a bad person. I'm still a Christian.” Paige tried to convince herself more so than Norman.

Kissing Paige on the forehead Norman replied, “And I'm still your friend.”

When Paige first opened her eyes, she had no idea where she was, as they were greeted with darkness. She jumped up, the cover that had been pulled up to her neck dropping to her waist. She frantically looked around until her eyes became familiar with her surroundings. She exhaled once she realized she was in her living room on her couch.

“What time is it?” she mumbled. She pulled the covers off of her and placed her legs on the floor. She wiped her eyes and then that's when something else familiar caught her eye. “Norman?”

He stirred upon hearing his name, but he didn't wake up. He was curled up on the living room chair. Seeing how uncomfortable he looked made Paige wish she hadn't been so cheap and splurged for the matching loveseat instead. No, his six-feet self wouldn't have stretched out comfortably on that either, but it would have been better than that chair.

Paige sat there for a moment trying to recall how her night had ended with Norman before she lost consciousness into a sleep. “Ahh.” She recalled having finally confessed her plans of an abortion, then burying her shameful face in Norman's chest, where she cried shameful tears. That's how she must have fallen asleep. Of course Norman being the caring friend to her he was must have gotten her a cover and let her sleep. Too bad she couldn't sleep off shame like one could a hangover. Paige stood and stretched. She followed the moonlight into her kitchen, where she turned on the light and went to the cabinet to get a glass. She went to the freezer and got ice, then filled her glass with tap water.

Paige wasn't a bottled water type of chick. Tap water hadn't been too good for the generations before her, so it wasn't too good for her either. She placed the glass to her lips as she turned away from the sink. “Holy . . .” Her glass went crashing down onto the floor, shattering into pieces, with water splashing.

“And you've been saved how long?” Norman scolded her the same way Paige had scolded him earlier in the evening for almost slipping up and cussing.

“Yeah, but you scared the . . . You scared me, man,” Paige said, rolling her eyes. “You don't know how to announce yourself when you enter a room, a quiet room, in the middle of the night?” She made her way over to the utility closet to retrieve the broom, dustpan, and some rags.

“Here, I got it.” Norman took the items from Paige's hand. “Sorry. I'm a bachelor. I'm used to just getting up in the middle of the night and entering a room without announcing myself. At least I'm not in my boxers. Or even worse.” He winked at Paige.

“Ugh,” she said at just imagining Norman in the buff. She shook her head and went to fix herself another glass of ice water. “You want a glass?”

“Sure.” Norman accepted her offer as he cleaned up the mess. By the time he was finished cleaning, Paige was finished preparing their drinks and had sat down at the kitchen table.

Norman joined her after putting the cleaning supplies back into the closet and then washing his hands. “So, how do you feel?” Norman took a sip of his water as he awaited Paige's response.

“Honestly?”

“Since when have I known you to bite your tongue and not be honest?”

“I feel like killing myself.” Paige took a sip of her water as if she'd simply told Norman her favorite color was blue and not that she had thoughts of suicide.

“What?” Norman gave Paige the “come again” look.

“In the short amount of time it took me to get from that couch”—she pointed—“to this kitchen, I truly thought about coming in here to get a knife to cut my wrist instead of a drink to quench my thirst.” Paige took in the look of horror on Norman's face and let it die down before she continued. “What can I say? That's just how quickly the devil can work on someone's mind.” She took a drink of water.

Cupping his hands around his glass, Norman thought for a second and then spoke. “Paige, honey, if you feel like that now, imagine how you are going to feel after, you know . . .”

“After I kill my baby?” There was a sharpness to Paige's tone.

“I didn't say that, Paige. Don't put words in my mouth.”

“I'm not putting words in your mouth. I'm taking the words out of your eyes. I see it in your eyes, Norman. Just say it. You think I'm a killer.”

“I don't think you are a killer. I don't agree with what you are doing, but heck, over the years I'm sure there are a lot of things you've done that I haven't agreed with. I'm sure there are a lot of things I've done that you haven't agreed with.” Norman exhaled. “Heck, I know for a fact there are because you don't hesitate to let me know. Still, just because I don't agree with some of your choices doesn't mean I'm not going to be there for you. Like I said, Paige, I'm your friend. Friends don't abandon friends in their time of need. I was called to be your friend, not your judge. What don't you get about that?”

Paige could tell from Norman's tone that he was almost offended that she perhaps doubted his friendship to her. “I'm sorry, Norman.” She shook her head as if her scrambled thoughts might happen to fall into order with a shake or two of the head. “I don't mean to question your friendship. But right now I'm questioning life. Not just the life of this baby, but my own life.” Paige pounded her flat hand against her chest. “For a split second”—she snapped her finger—“I thought about taking my own life. That's serious.” Her eyes watered.

“This is all serious. I get that,” Norman assured her.

“And you know what changed my mind about taking a knife and cutting my wrist? The fact that I'd guarantee myself a ticket to hell for committing suicide. But see, if I just take out this baby, I reasoned with myself, I could repent, receive God's forgiveness and have some kind of chance at getting into heaven. Is that sick or what?”

“No, it's actually valid reasoning. And at the same time, it's selfish.”

“Of course it's selfish, but don't I have the right to be selfish for once in my life? All the crap I've been through? I was in an abusive relationship, my so-called best friend sl—”

“Slept with my husband,” Norman cut her off and began mocking her. “You were raped. Your mother didn't give you the attention and love you deserved growing up,” Norman said. “Is that your story? Is that who you are going to be for the rest of your life? Is that what is going to define you? If so, I don't know, Paige. Maybe I'm not the friend you need in your life.”

“Well, maybe you're not!” Paige spat as she stood to her feet. “A friend understands and sympathizes when—”

“And that's just what you're looking for isn't it? Sympathy. Well, if you don't mind, I'd like the pleasure of being honest for once. Or ‘keeping it real.'” Norman used quotation marks for his last statement. “Paige, I truly understand all that you have been through in your life and you don't deserve not one ounce of the pain you've endured either physically or mentally. But what I don't want to see you do is use that pain as an excuse or as an attention seeker.”

“What, come again?” Paige's bottom lip began to tremble in anger at Norman's words.

“So many people use their pain as a means to get people to feel sorry for them because when someone feels sorry for you it's a form of attention. I can think of so many other things about you that are attention getters. Positive things. Don't let the negative things that have happened to you in your life be who you are. That's not a person I would want to be friends with, Paige. And neither would you if the shoe were on the other foot.”

“If the shoe were on the other foot I'd . . . I'd . . .” This was the moment of truth for Paige. Either she was going to face her truth or get mad at Norman for telling the truth. “I'd want a friend like you to tell me the truth and not just what I want to hear.” There; she'd relented. “If the shoe were on the other foot, I wouldn't bite my tongue not for one second. But the shoe is not on the other foot. I'm wearing it and everything in me wants to kick it off and go running away barefoot.”

“You can't run from this.” Norman walked over to Paige and put an arm around her. “Well, maybe you can run, but you can't hide.”

“And I can't have this baby either, Norman. I just can't. I don't want it. I don't want it. I don't want it.” Paige burst out into tears. “Someone who is meant to be a mother would never say that about her child. And if I'm saying that now, if I'm feeling that much disdain about the baby now, I can only imagine how I'll feel if I have to look into its eyes and see . . . and see . . .”

“And see what, Paige? And see who?” Norman prodded.

“I can't.” Paige shook her head.

“You can. Just say it. It's a time for truth, remember? The whole truth. That's what's going to make you free.” Norman grabbed Paige gently by the shoulders to face him. “You don't want to look into your baby's eyes and have to see who?”

Paige allowed the flow of her tears to lighten before she spoke. “Me. I don't want to have to look into my baby's eyes and see me. Not Blake, but me, my life. I'm so afraid I won't be able to save my baby from all the hurt and pain that I'm filled with, all the hurt and pain that led up to its conception. I don't want to see that every time I look at my child. I can truly understand now why Tamarra did what she did.”

A puzzled look scurried across Norman's face.

“Nothing. Never mind,” Paige said, realizing Norman was clueless of her former best friend's past that Tamarra had shared with Paige.

Whether Paige was no longer friends with Tamarra or not, it wasn't her place to reveal to anyone that Tamarra had been raped repeatedly by her blood brother when she was growing up. As a result of the rape she became pregnant and gave birth to a child that her parents ended up raising as their own. Tamarra couldn't bear to nurture the seed of her pain. So she packed up and moved from Maryland here to Malvonia, Ohio, leaving her past behind . . . and her child. A child whom she never raised as her own a day in her life.

Paige had never judged Tamarra for that. She was so glad she hadn't either, because now she found herself in a similar circumstance. Only she wasn't even going to give her child the opportunity to be born, let alone abandon it. She didn't even want to weigh the worst of the two evils.

“Like I said, Paige, change your story. Change who you are. Choose to see something different in yourself, in your child.”

“Norman, don't. You don't have to agree with what I'm doing, but please don't try to talk me out of it. My luggage is already overweight for this guilt trip and I can't afford to pay any extra fees.” Paige sharply removed herself from the kitchen, and headed back to the living room where she turned on a lamp.

Norman followed on Paige's heels with what appeared to be excitement. “No, no, I'm not trying to talk you out of anything. I'm just trying to get you to understand your true reasons for wanting to abort your child. Maybe if you can confront and deal with your reasons—”

“I know my reasons. As selfish as they are, I'm well aware of them.” Paige sat down on the couch on top of the blanket that had once covered her. “I'm damaged right now. I never even got a chance to heal from the last wound before I got inflicted with something else. I'm bitter, I'm mad, and it's poison. It's not fair to bring a child into this mess. Besides, I'm divorced. I'm pregnant. I ain't been saved but a few years. That ain't long enough to restrain myself from kickin' some church folk butt if anybody says the wrong thing to me about my situation.”

“I'm sure Sister Unique felt the same way when she got pregnant with the twins knowing she already had three children by three different fathers,” Norman was quick to remind Paige.

“But . . .” Paige's words trailed off when she realized that there was no but.

“If God did it for Unique, if He pulled her through, what in the world makes you think He won't do it for you?”

“But . . .” Again, Paige knew there was no but. Norman was speaking the truth right now, and it was actually starting to soften Paige's heart toward the matter.

“But God,” Norman said, sitting down next to Paige and taking her hands into his.

“I know it sounds weak and shallow, but I do care about what people think of me. I hear people say all the time that they don't care what people think of them, but they are lying. Half the things we do in life we do because of other people. We don't buy that nice pair of pants not because we don't like how we look in them, but we are concerned with how other people will think we look in them. ‘Does my butt look big?'” Paige mocked. “As long as you like how your behind looks in it, buy the dang pants! But no, we concern ourselves with what others think we will look like. The things we do, the things we say, even the decisions we make somehow are always influenced by what other people will think.”

“Then if what people think, about you running around as a divorced woman pregnant, is a big part of the reason why you want an abortion, that and the fact that you don't want to raise your child alone without a father, then I think I have the perfect solution.” A smile crept across Norman's lips and Paige braced herself for his bright idea that had already lit up his face.