More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory (45 page)

This isn't the kind of fairness our inner five-year-old understands; he's far more likely to be worried about someone else getting something that he doesn't have, or getting something for a lower "price" than he paid for it. At the end of the day, though, our mental five-year-old isn't likely to make our lives better, no matter how much of a fuss he puts up.

OF
MONKEYS AND CUCUMBERS

You may have seen this on YouTube or TED by now: primatologist Frans de Waal has experimented with primate reactions to inequality by placing two monkeys within sight of each other and rewarding them for doing a small task, such as handing a rock to a human lab aide. The reward is either a tasty piece of cucumber or an even tastier grape. When both monkeys get a cucumber, everything's fine—they'll happily complete the task dozens of times. But give one of them a cucumber and one of them a grape, and watch out! The "lower paid" monkey completely loses it: it throws the cucumber back at the aide, pounds the floor, rattles the cage. Like any good scientist, De Waal has repeated this experiment many times, with different species and variations. Same result.

We prefer to avoid the quagmire of evolutionary psychology; our intent with this example isn't to talk about how our feelings about fairness may be rooted deep in our brains. Instead, we want to talk about how we decide what are "cucumbers" and what are "grapes" in our relationships. By way of example, think of Ali, Tatiana and Alexis, three people whom we've fictionalized a bit only because theirs is
such
a common pattern in polyamory that it's more of an archetype. (In fact, both of us are in positions similar to Ali's.) Ali lives with Tatiana and is also in a relationship with Alexis. Ali and Tatiana have two young children. Their relationship involves a lot of housework, diaper changes and arguing over the budget. Their downtime together consists of a lot of cuddling in front of
Doctor Who
but not much sex and only the occasional night out.

Ali and Alexis only see each other a couple of times a month, so their time together is intense. They usually spend half of it having sex, the other half in deep conversation or doing exciting things—all focused on one another. Maybe once or twice a year they'll get away together for a long weekend at a bed-and-breakfast.

Most people in Tatiana's position would feel like she's getting all the cucumbers and Alexis is getting all the grapes. The things Ali and Alexis do are
fun,
right? They're
dates
—something long-established couples can have a tendency to forget about, or not have time for. And it
is
very important for live-in couples to take time to care for their relationship, so they don't take each other for granted. But it's also worth considering why we might think Tatiana is getting the cucumbers—and how, to Alexis, they might actually look a lot like grapes.

Ali and Alexis might have a vacation relationship—they may have more fun together, and Ali and Tatiana more work. But Ali and Tatiana share some things that are arguably far more precious, and which Alexis may never have access to. Things like

• being able to wake up nearly every morning together
  
• having each other close enough to touch, almost all the time
  
• curling up on a rainy afternoon with each other, snuggling beneath warm covers
  
• building a private language from a shared history of experience
  
• standing by each other through the shared struggles of building a life
  
• being able to plan a future with each other
  
• working together to bring two small humans into the world
  

After all, Ali and Tatiana
chose
the life they have together. If they had wanted, they could have had a relationship that looked instead like Ali and Alexis's. They did not have to move in together, mingle finances or have children. They
chose
to. They valued the things on this list. When people talk about taking a relationship—or a partner—for granted, these sorts of things are often discounted. And these things, in a relationship, can be very sweet indeed.

If one of your partners feels like he's getting all the cucumbers and someone else is getting all the grapes, remember that you and your partner chose to have the kind of relationship you have. Take time to notice and express gratitude for the benefits that come from it. If you have a live-in partner, those benefits might be the small touches, the opportunities to care for each other (even if it's grumbling as you pick up someone's dirty socks), the chance to sleep close to each other, the cuddles and shared meals, your small daily interactions, the future you're building together. If you live apart and see each other less frequently, the benefit may be the fact that your partner is carving out time from her busy and full life to focus exclusively on
you
.

This is another reason why fairness is not the same thing as symmetry. Tatiana and Alexis may envy each other for the things each has with Ali. They may need to work with Ali to reshape their relationships, so that each gets more of what they need. But it's possible that we primates all have a hard time seeing the value of what we have when we are busy looking at what someone else is getting. The monkeys in the experiment threw their cucumbers away—cucumbers that a few minutes before, they were eager to have. And it's also important to remember, if you're in the middle, that very few relationships can survive on only cucumbers or only grapes. Most relationships need a mix of work and play to grow strong over the long term.

INTRODUCING YOUR PARTNERS

If you're involved with two or more partners who don't already know each other, sooner or later it will be a good idea for them to meet.
When
is largely a matter of personal preference—yours and theirs—and is something we discuss at length in chapter 23. However, a couple of things are worth mentioning specifically to the pivot.

Some people like their existing partners to meet potential new partners right away, before any relationship begins to grow—and many people, likewise, want to meet the existing partners of someone they're considering becoming involved with. Others—often people who place a higher value on autonomy—prefer to wait until a relationship is taking root, when they're fairly certain that a new person is going to be important in their life, before expending the time and energy to meet "the family"—particularly if the family is large or far-flung.

Of course, as the pivot, you can't (and shouldn't)
stop
your partners from meeting, even if you don't feel ready. Trying to dissuade your partners from having contact raises an instant red flag among poly people that something dishonest may be going on, even if it isn't, and lays the groundwork for mistrust. If your partners want to meet, let them. But there's another important point of etiquette to bear in mind.

When two monogamous folks are dating, and their relationship grows serious, at some point it gets to be meet-the-family time. Bringing someone home to meet the parents (or whoever else is in your family unit) is typically taken as a statement: "This person is important to me. I am considering making this person part of my family."

Don't underestimate the importance of a little ritual like this in introducing new partners to the rest of your network. Sure, your partners are grown-ups who are capable of calling up another grown-up for a coffee date. But it can feel a little awkward, a little intrusive—and often, a little humiliating—for Glen to call up Juan and say, "Hey, I know Petra hasn't introduced us yet, but I've been seeing her for awhile now, and I think it's time for you and me to meet." That puts Glen in the position of saying to one of the most important people in Petra's life that Petra is important to Glen…but maybe Glen is not quite as important to Petra, or she would have set this up herself. To meet someone who may have an important influence on your future happiness under this awkward circumstance can be profoundly disempowering.

So it's good etiquette for the pivot to take the initiative and ask the others if they would like to meet. If one of your partners expresses an interest first in meeting the other, be the one to make it happen, and make it clear that the meeting matters to
you
, too. How you introduce a new partner to your network can make all the difference in how welcome she feels.

JEALOUSY IN THE MIDDLE

Dealing with your own jealousy is hard. Dealing with your partner's jealousy about another partner when you're stuck between them is no picnic either. When you have two lovers and one or both is feeling jealous of your time and attention, you can easily feel pulled apart. When one feels threatened by the other, a cooperative situation can quickly turn competitive, and a jealous partner may blame you for his jealousy. He might ask for things that hurt your other partner. Your other partner might have limits on what accommodations she is willing to make for him, and those limits might be perfectly reasonable. And there you are, poor sod, caught between.

This is a miserable place to be. Your power in this situation is limited; no matter what you do, you cannot solve someone else's jealousy. You may be able to make it easier for him to deal with it, but that's all. The good news is that it will pass. As long as everyone is committed to working through the issues, jealousy—as painful and intractable as it may seem in the moment—is a conquerable emotion. Millions of polyamorous people, though they may still grapple with the occasional wibbles (a poly term for minor jealous twinges), have learned coping skills and are able to have relationships that are relatively unburdened by jealousy.

Although your partner has to do the heavy lifting himself, there are things you can do to help make his work easier. The first is to listen. Nobody
wants
to be jealous. Nobody enjoys it. Your partner isn't doing this to hurt you, or out of spite. So listen, compassionately, without judging or shaming. Allow space for him to feel what he's feeling. Remember that saying "You shouldn't feel that" probably won't change anything. Creating a safe space for your partner to talk openly about his feelings goes a long way toward making a solution possible.

Reassure your partner. A lot. Talk about the things you value in him and the ways you love him. (And, really, do this even when your partners aren't in crisis. There's never a bad time to remind them how much you cherish them.) When you're done, reassure him some more. Accept that he is feeling what he's feeling, even though it's inconvenient.

Sometimes you may be able to change things about your relationship to help accommodate the jealous partner. For example, you might slow down the progress of a new relationship to give your old partner time to adjust. An analogy Franklin likes to use for dealing with relationship problems is fixing a broken refrigerator. If the refrigerator isn't working, it might be a good idea to stop putting things into it until you get it fixed.

There's danger lurking here, though. You can all too easily get so caught up in a jealous partner's pain that you agree to accommodations that hurt your other partner. Damaging one relationship to try to fix another usually ends up creating two broken relationships. Another danger: If the accommodations by you and your others make the jealous partner too comfortable, while discomfiting everyone else, he may have little motivation to work through his jealousy. Accommodations rarely solve jealousy; its solution comes almost always from within. Remember, you are your partners' advocates. This doesn't go just one way. You have a right, and a responsibility, to advocate for all your relationships. It's not okay to damage one relationship or hurt one person to try to help another.

The only strategies we've ever found that work long term are identifying and resolving the insecurities and fears that
underlie
jealousy. Ironically, trying to make compromises to accommodate a jealous partner can actually make the jealousy worse. For example, if your partner is afraid of abandonment, and demands that you never spend the night at another partner's house, maybe what he needs to get past the fear is to see that you can spend a night away from home and you'll still come back to him. If you give in to the demand and never spend the night with another lover, he may never let go of that fear. Not only will he never have the opportunity to see that you'll come back, you've shown him that he can control your behavior as long as he holds onto that fear.

Even the most insightful, self-aware person can't make deeply rooted insecurities vanish overnight. In our experience, working through jealousy normally takes weeks or months, especially if it's a partner's first experience sharing. If the process is taking years, though, something's stuck. Either your partner has become invested in the status quo and is dragging his heels, or he needs professional assistance to do the work (or both).

In the analogy of the refrigerator: once you've stopped putting more things into it, you can't just shove it in a corner and forget about it. You have to fix it, so that you can use it again. You and your partner should be able to see and feel progress.

You also must be willing to set boundaries, not only with your partner who isn't experiencing the jealousy, but with the one who is. If you don't, you may find yourself playing
ping-pong poly again
: bouncing back and forth without making a decision. If, in your estimation, some accommodation your jealous partner is asking for seems reasonable, then say so. If it doesn't seem reasonable, then say so too. If he asks for something that would damage your other relationships, decline. You may have to make a decision someone doesn't like, but that's better than being tossed around on the rocks indefinitely.

For most people, the bottom line in dealing with a partner's jealousy is listening and loving. Reassure your partners, be diligent in honoring your commitments, and let them feel all their feelings. And remember that, as long as everyone is committed to working through the issues, it won't stay this hard forever.

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF

If you're the pivot person between two or more others, being able to set good boundaries for yourself and advocate for your needs, while also being considerate of your partners, can feel hard. As you build the skills to do this, here are some questions to ask yourself: