Most Talkative: Stories From the Front Lines of Pop Culture (36 page)

Maya could use a classy workout.

ANDY

Uh, somebody over here said something. Was that you, Kristen? What did you say?

KRISTEN

I said Maya is not classy. And she knows it. She is not classy, because she is not.

MAYA

Don’t! You. Even. Begin to.

[Maya fumes at Kristen.]

[Cut to: All the ladies looking uncomfortable.]

ANDY

All right, let’s talk a little bit about what went on between you two.

KRISTEN

I was leaving the SNL after party and as I was heading to my car she was hiding in the shadows and reached out and pulled my weave.

MAYA

I didn’t pull your weave!

KRISTEN

Oh, yeah? Well, who pulled my weave, then? Who pulled my weave? A ghost? A hobo? ’Cause I’ve got it right here. Look at this, look at this …

[Kristen pulls out a hunk of hair.]

[Cut to: The ladies gasping.]

ANDY

Wait a minute, wait a minute, is that the actual weave piece that you pulled out of her head?

MAYA

No, because I did not pull her weave! Why would I pull her weave? If I’m gonna pull a weave, wouldn’t I pull my own weave? Andy, I am no weave-puller. It’s insane!

[Cheri gets in Maya’s face.]

CHERI

You pulled her weave! You know it, Andy knows it, and the weave knows it! You’re garbage. Garbage.

MAYA

That’s it.

[Maya storms out. Rachel gets up to console Cheri and Kristen.]

ANDY

Maya? Maya?
(To an imaginary producer)
Is she coming back?

RACHEL (à la Caroline Manzo)

You’re just giving her what she wants. You just gave her what she wanted. She’s not worth it. Look at me, Kristen. Look at me. Remember, we’re fambily. Fambily. Look at me. Fambily.

[Cut to: Maya backstage being hugged by her hairdresser and makeup guy (James and Eric). She has more makeup applied with an airbrush.]

ANDY

Rachel, you were really the peacemaker there.

RACHEL

Well, you know, Andy, we on SNL are one big happy fambily, and when you mess with my fambily, you mess with me. Don’t mess with my fambily. Period. You mess with my fambily? You lose.

ANDY

Molly Shannon. What’s been happening with you?

MOLLY

Well, Andy, I’ve been so busy traveling all over the country promoting my cookbooks, as you know. My low-fat cupcake cookbook, and low-fat medications, and also my book of low-fat cocktail recipes.

ANDY

And you invented your own signature cocktail, right?

MOLLY

Yes, I invented my own signature cocktail. It’s vodka, a little bit of shaved ginger, and then a different kind of vodka. It’s called the Molly, and it’s not just a drink, it’s a lifestyle.

ANDY

Great. I know Cheri had a bunch backstage. Good, Cheri?

CHERI (drunk)

Oh god yes! They were so freaking delicious that I lost my purse!

KRISTEN

So loud.

ANDY

Now Ana, you’ve been very busy.

ANA

Yes. I’ve been working very hard on my skin care line. It’s called “About Face,” and three percent of the profits go to my charity, which does provide books to women at the beach on vacation, so I’m very proud. It’s a great skin care line and it’s made with an array of really great spermials.

KRISTEN

That must have been easy for you to get.

ANDY

Wait—what, Kristen?

KRISTEN

I just said it must have been easy for Ana to get spermials.

[Ana and Kristen fume at each other.]

ANDY

Now Tina, what’s been happening with you?

TINA

Amazing, I’m doing amazing. My dance single is dropping in December 2014.

ANDY

I understand you cut a record with …

TINA

Bruce Willis’s music producer. It’s amazing. We share the same car dealer. It’s called “I Wanna Spend Some Time Witcha.”

ANDY

Can you give us a little taste?

TINA

No, Andy, stop! You’re putting me on the spot!

[She immediately goes into the song, to camera. She is singing with a track.]

TINA (singing):

Put down your keys baby

Stop looking at your mail

Cuz cuz cuz baybeee

I wanna spend some time witcha

[Maya comes strolling back out and pointedly stalls herself in front of Tina for a beat or two. Track keeps going a sec, as Tina sits down, annoyed.]

ANDY

Oh good. Have a seat, Maya. We’re glad you’re back.

MAYA

Are we?

[Maya holds up her hand and does a pulling motion.]

KRISTEN

Hey! Did you see that, Andy? Did you see that? She’s pretending to pull my weave! That is proof!

MAYA

You’re insane.

[Maya and Kristen glare at each other.]

ANDY

Maya, why did you come back out?

MAYA

It’s boring back there, plus I wanted to ask Kristen a question.

ANDY

Okay, Maya. Go ahead.

MAYA (softly)

Why did you choke my dog?

KRISTEN

What?

MAYA

Why did you choke my dog?

KRISTEN

I didn’t choke your dog! I was hugging your dog and he wiggled and got tangled up in his halter top!

MAYA

She choked my dog till he passed out, y’all!

[Cut to: Ladies’ reactions. Cheri loses it.]

CHERI

You pulled her dog’s weave! You know it, the dog knows it, and everyone that was at that dog’s birthday party knows it!

[All of them ridiculously arguing.]

ANDY

You know what? I think now would be a good time to throw to Amy and Julia and Laraine in Los Angeles. Hi, ladies!

[Cut to: Amy and Julia and Laraine. They sip glasses of champagne.]

AMY AND JULIA AND LARAINE

Hi!

[Cut to: Int. Real Housewives of SNL set.]

ANDY

It’s so good to see you! Tell me what you ladies have been up to.

[Cut to: Amy and Julia and Laraine.]

AMY

Well, as you know, we couldn’t be there today because you all have a restraining order against us.

[Cut to: Int. Real Housewives of SNL set: The ladies all wave.]

ANDY

You ladies do look great! LA is really working for you.

[Cut to: Amy and Julia and Laraine.]

JULIA

Well, Andy, we’ve been all over Southern California promoting our jewelry line of eco-friendly clip-on earrings, because we’re all so environmentally conscious. And of course our sex tapes.

AMY

Yes, it’s been so fun promoting our sex tapes. I have two sex tapes.

JULIA

And I have one sex tape, but I’m currently working on another. So two sex tapes.

LARAINE

Yes, and I told them in no uncertain terms that they’re not to make sex tapes on my property.

AMY

Too late.

JULIA

Way too late. Can I just say something, Andy? Whatever we did to you guys, it was so not intentional.

[Cut to: Int. Real Housewives of SNL set.]

ANDY

You hit us with your limo.

NORA

On a closed course.

KRISTEN