Mostly Harmless (15 page)

And then the very, very best of the meat would be saved from the feast and delivered cold to the Sandwich Maker. And the Sandwich Maker would exercise on it the skills that he had brought to them from the gods, and make the exquisite Sandwiches of the Third Season, of which the whole village would partake before beginning, the next day, to prepare themselves for the rigors of the coming winter.

Today he was just making ordinary sandwiches, if such delicacies, so lovingly crafted, could ever be called ordinary.
Today his assistant was away so the Sandwich Maker was applying his own garnish, which he was happy to do. He was happy with just about everything in fact.

He sliced, he sang. He flipped each slice of meat neatly onto a slice of bread, trimmed it and assembled all the trimmings into their jigsaw. A little salad, a little sauce, another slice of bread, another sandwich, another verse of “Yellow Submarine.”

“Hello, Arthur.”

The Sandwich Maker almost sliced his thumb off.

The villagers had watched in consternation as the woman had marched boldly to the hut of the Sandwich Maker. The Sandwich Maker had been sent to them by Almighty Bob in a burning fiery chariot. This, at least, was what Thrashbarg said, and Thrashbarg was the authority on these things. So, at least, Thrashbarg claimed, and Thrashbarg was … and so on and so on. It was hardly worth arguing about.

A few villagers wondered why Almighty Bob would send his only begotten Sandwich Maker in a burning fiery chariot rather than perhaps in one that might have landed quietly without destroying half the forest, filling it with ghosts and also injuring the Sandwich Maker quite badly. Old Thrashbarg said that it was the ineffable will of Bob, and when they asked him what “ineffable” meant, he said look it up.

This was a problem because Old Thrashbarg had the only dictionary and he wouldn’t let them borrow it. They asked him why not and he said that it was not for them to know the will of Almighty Bob, and when they asked him why not again,
he said because he said so. Anyway, somebody sneaked into Old Thrashbarg’s hut one day while he was out having a swim and looked up “ineffable.” “Ineffable” apparently meant “unknowable, indescribable, unutterable, not to be known or spoken about.” So that cleared that up.

At least they had got the sandwiches.

One day Old Thrashbarg said that Almighty Bob had decreed that he, Thrashbarg, was to have first pick of the sandwiches. The villagers asked him when this had happened, exactly, and Thrashbarg said it had happened yesterday, when they weren’t looking. “Have faith,” Old Thrashbarg said, “or burn!”

They let him have first pick of the sandwiches. It seemed easiest.

And now this woman had just arrived out of nowhere and gone straight for the Sandwich Maker’s hut. His fame had obviously spread, though it was hard to know where to since, according to Old Thrashbarg, there wasn’t anywhere else. Anyway, wherever it was she had come from, presumably somewhere ineffable, she was here now and was in the Sandwich Maker’s hut. Who was she? And who was the strange girl who was hanging around outside the hut moodily and kicking at stones and showing every sign of not wanting to be there? It seemed odd that someone should come all the way from somewhere ineffable in a chariot that was obviously a vast improvement on the burning fiery one that had brought them the Sandwich Maker, if she didn’t even want to be here.

They all looked to Thrashbarg, but he was on his knees
mumbling and looking very firmly up into the sky and not catching anybody else’s eye until he’d thought of something.

“Trillian!” said the Sandwich Maker, sucking his bleeding thumb. “What …? Who …? When …? Where …?”

“Exactly the questions I was going to ask you,” said Trillian, looking around Arthur’s hut. It was neatly laid out with his kitchen utensils. There were some fairly basic cupboards and shelves, and a basic bed in the corner. A door at the back of the room led to something that Trillian couldn’t see because the door was closed. “Nice,” she said, but in an inquiring tone of voice. She couldn’t quite make out what the setup was.

“Very nice,” said Arthur. “Wonderfully nice. I don’t know when I’ve ever been anywhere nicer. I’m happy here. They like me, I make sandwiches for them, and … er, well, that’s it really. They like me and I make sandwiches for them.”

“Sounds, er …”

“Idyllic,” said Arthur, firmly. “It is. It really is. I don’t expect you’d like it very much, but for me it’s, well, it’s perfect. Look, sit down, please, make yourself comfortable. Can I get you anything, er, a sandwich?”

Trillian picked up a sandwich and looked at it. She sniffed it carefully.

“Try it,” said Arthur, “it’s good.”

Trillian took a nibble, then a bite and munched on it thoughtfully.

“It is good,” she said, looking at it.

“My life’s work,” said Arthur, trying to sound proud and
hoping he didn’t sound like a complete idiot. He was used to being revered a bit and was having to go through some unexpected mental gear changes.

“What’s the meat in it?” asked Trillian.

“Ah yes, that’s, um, that’s Perfectly Normal Beast.”

“It’s what?”

“Perfectly Normal Beast. It’s a bit like a cow, or rather a bull. Kind of like a buffalo in fact. Large, charging sort of animal.”

“So what’s odd about it?”

“Nothing, it’s Perfectly Normal.”

“I see.”

“It’s just a bit odd where it comes from.”

Trillian frowned, and stopped chewing.

“Where does it come from?” she said with her mouth full. She wasn’t going to swallow until she knew.

“Well, it’s not just a matter of where it comes from, it’s also where it goes to. It’s all right, it’s perfectly safe to swallow. I’ve eaten tons of it. It’s great. Very succulent. Very tender. Slightly sweet flavor with a long dark finish.”

Trillian still hadn’t swallowed.

“Where,” she said, “does it come from, and where does it go to?”

“They come from a point just slightly to the east of the Hondo Mountains. They’re the big ones behind us here, you must have seen them as you came in, and then they sweep in their thousands across the great Anhondo Plains and, er, well, that’s it really. That’s where they come from. That’s where they go.”

Trillian frowned. There was something she wasn’t quite getting about this.

“I probably haven’t made it quite clear,” said Arthur. “When I say they come from a point to the east of the Hondo Mountains, I mean that that’s where they suddenly appear. Then they sweep across the Anhondo Plains and, well, vanish really. We have about six days to catch as many of them as we can before they disappear. In the spring they do it again, only the other way around, you see.”

Reluctantly, Trillian swallowed. It was either that or spit it out, and it did in fact taste pretty good.

“I see,” she said, once she had reassured herself that she didn’t seem to be suffering any ill effects. “And why are they called Perfectly Normal Beasts?”

“Well, I think because otherwise people might think it was a bit odd. I think Old Thrashbarg called them that. He says that they come from where they come from and they go to where they go to and that it’s Bob’s will and that’s all there is to it.”

“Who —”

“Just don’t even ask.”

“Well, you look well on it.”

“I feel well. You look well.”

“I’m well. I’m very well.”

“Well, that’s good.”

“Yes.”

“Good.”

“Good.”

“Nice of you to drop in.”

“Thanks.”

“Well,” said Arthur, casting around himself. Astounding how hard it was to think of anything to say to someone after all this time.

“I expect you’re wondering how I found you,” said Trillian.

“Yes!” said Arthur. “I was wondering exactly that. How did you find me?”

“Well, as you may or may not know, I now work for one of the big Sub-Etha broadcasting networks that —”

“I did know that,” said Arthur, suddenly remembering. “Yes, you’ve done very well. That’s terrific. Very exciting. Well done. Must be a lot of fun.”

“Exhausting.”

“All that rushing around. I expect it must be, yes.”

“We have access to virtually every kind of information. I found your name on the passenger list of the ship that crashed.”

Arthur was astonished.

“You mean they
knew
about the crash?”

“Well, of course they knew. You don’t have a whole spaceliner disappear without someone knowing about it.”

“But you mean, they knew where it had happened? They knew I’d survived?”

“Yes.”

“But nobody’s ever been to look or search or rescue. There’s been absolutely nothing.”

“Well, there wouldn’t be. It’s a whole complicated insurance thing. They just bury the whole thing. Pretend it never happened. The insurance business is completely screwy now.
You know they’ve reintroduced the death penalty for insurance company directors?”

“Really?” said Arthur. “No, I didn’t. For what offense?”

Trillian frowned.

“What do you mean, offense?”

“I see.”

Trillian gave Arthur a long look, and then, in a new tone of voice, said, “It’s time for you to take responsibility, Arthur.”

Arthur tried to understand this remark. He found it often took a moment or so before he saw exactly what it was that people were driving at, so he let a moment or two pass at a leisurely rate. Life was so pleasant and relaxed these days, there was time to let things sink in. He let it sink in.

He still didn’t quite understand what she meant, though, so in the end he had to say so.

Trillian gave him a cool smile and then turned back to the door of the hut.

“Random?” she called. “Come in. Come and meet your father.”

A
s the
Guide
folded itself back into a smooth, dark dish, Ford realized some pretty hectic stuff. Or at least he tried to realize it, but it was too hectic to take in all in one go. His head was hammering, his ankle was hurting, and though he didn’t like to be a wimp about his ankle, he always found that intense multidimensional logic was something he understood best in the bath. He needed time to think about this. Time, a tall drink, and some kind of rich, foamy oil.

He had to get out of here. He had to get the
Guide
out of here. He didn’t think they’d make it together.

He glanced wildly around the room.

Think, think, think. It had to be something simple and obvious. If he was right in his nasty lurking suspicion that he
was dealing with nasty, lurking Vogons, then the more simple and obvious, the better.

Suddenly he saw what he needed.

He wouldn’t try to beat the system, he would just use it. The frightening thing about the Vogons was their absolute mindless determination to do whatever mindless thing it was they were determined to do. There was never any point in trying to appeal to their reason because they didn’t have one. However, if you kept your nerve you could sometimes exploit their blinkered, bludgeoning insistence on being bludgeoning and blinkered. It wasn’t merely that their left hand didn’t always know what their right hand was doing, so to speak; quite often their right hand had a pretty hazy notion as well.

Did he dare just post the thing to himself?

Did he dare just put it in the system and let the Vogons work out how to get the thing to him while at the same time they were busy, as they probably would be, tearing the building apart to find out where he’d hidden it?

Yes.

Feverishly, he packed it. He wrapped it. He labeled it. With a moment’s pause to wonder if he was really doing the right thing, he committed the package to the building’s internal mail chute.

“Colin,” he said, turning to the little, hovering ball. “I am going to abandon you to your fate.”

“I’m so happy,” said Colin.

“Make the most of it,” said Ford. “Because what I want you to do is to nursemaid that package out of the building. They’ll
probably incinerate you when they find you, and I won’t be here to help. It will be very, very nasty for you, and that’s just too bad. Got it?”

“I gurgle with pleasure,” said Colin.

“Go!” said Ford.

Colin obediently dove down the mail chute in pursuit of his charge. Now Ford had only himself to worry about, but that was still quite a substantial worry. There were noises of heavy running footsteps outside the door, which he had taken the precaution of locking and shifting a large filing cabinet in front of.

He was worried that everything had gone so smoothly. Everything had fitted terribly well. He had hurtled through the day with reckless abandon and yet everything had worked out with uncanny neatness. Except for his shoe. He was bitter about his shoe. That was an account that was going to have to be settled.

With a deafening roar the door exploded inward. In the turmoil of smoke and dust he could see large, sluglike creatures hurrying through.

So everything was going well, was it? Everything was working out as if the most extraordinary luck was on his side? Well, he’d see about that.

In a spirit of scientific inquiry he hurled himself out of the window again.

T
he first month, getting to know each other, was a little difficult.

The second month, trying to come to terms with what they’d got to know about each other in the first month, was much easier.

The third month, when the box arrived, was very tricky indeed.

At the beginning, it was a problem even trying to explain what a month was. This had been a pleasantly simple matter for Arthur, here on Lamuella. The days were just a little over twenty-five hours long, which basically meant an extra hour in bed
every single day
and, of course, having regularly to reset his watch, which Arthur rather enjoyed doing.

He also felt at home with the number of suns and moons which Lamuella had — one of each — as opposed to some of
the planets he’d fetched up from time to time which had had ridiculous numbers of them.

The planet orbited its single sun every three hundred days, which was a good number because it meant the year didn’t drag by. The moon orbited Lamuella just over nine times a year, which meant that a month was a little over thirty days, which was absolutely perfect because it gave you a little more time to get things done in. It was not merely reassuringly like Earth, it was actually rather an improvement.