Motocross Me (21 page)

I venture far enough away from the lake so I can’t hear Ryan’s voice anymore. When I reach the road I know I should turn back, but stubborn pride keeps me walking. This is stupid, being alone at night in the middle of nowhere, but I can’t find a part of me that cares. Even the part of my conscience that wants me to do the right thing has taken the night off.

Every minute I walk without Ryan calling me panicking and asking where I am sends more pain through my heart. Two dots of light appear where the road turns ahead of me. It’s the first vehicle I’ve all night; even when Ryan and I were in the woods no one had driven by.

As the truck approaches, its bright lights cover me and I can’t see anything, as if I were performing on stage. I squint and look at the ground as it passes. After what seems like ages, I can see again. Tires screech to a stop. I look behind me and as the truck’s taillights turn white as it reverses toward me. My heart stops.

I’m about to be kidnapped on a county road in the middle of nowhere. What a horrible way to die. I am at least two miles from the lake. No one will hear me scream. I keep walking. To my left are the woods and to my right is an open pasture of farmland. I try to think of an escape route and pray for safety at the same time.

Should I run into the woods? Nothing makes sense in my mind. There is a cell phone in my pocket but I don’t even think to reach for it. All I can think about was how terribly scared I am.

The sound of rubber tires rolling over the pavement grows closer. I can just see the bumper of a red truck in my peripheral vision when it comes to a stop. I am too scared to look, too scared to run.

“Don’t just stand there,” Ash says. “Get in.”

Chapter 19

Relief floods over me. My mind goes from terrified to thrilled at the speed of light. I am no longer going to be murdered – I’m being rescued! I yank open the truck door and jump inside. I don’t even notice the broken nail I acquire in my hasty scramble, and even if I did, it wouldn’t matter because I have never been happier in my life.

I slide to the middle seat and throw my arms around Ash’s neck. He stiffens, out of surprise I hope. I squeeze him tighter and his shoulders relax. His hand reaches up and pats me awkwardly on the back. My cheek flattens against his and I can smell the coconut shampoo in his dreadlocks. Spending time with Ryan makes me realize how much I miss Ash. I don’t want to let go.

Ash isn’t as enthused about my embrace. He clears his throat as he peels my arms off him one at a time and places them carefully in my lap. Then he shifts into first gear and makes a slow U-turn on the empty road, leading us toward home.

I can’t stop staring at him as I sit back in the passenger seat and buckle my seatbelt. We haven’t said a word, but silence with Ash doesn’t bother me as much anymore. He is a quiet person and I have accepted it. I don’t want to talk about what had happened at the lake, especially not with Ash, but it doesn’t take him long to ruin the silence.

“What are you doing out here?” The question sounds more like an accusation as he stares at the road ahead of him instead of at me.

“Walking,” I say, but it sounds more like a question.

“Alone?” His jaw is hard-set and I imagine my father would look the same way if he were in Ash’s position.

Of course I was alone. What kind of question is that? Had he seen any other people walking on the road with me? He looks at me again, this time with raised eyebrows that demanded answers. I shrug.

His lips press into a thin line. “You could have been killed, girl.”

The words sting more coming from Ash than if they had come from my dad, and calling me girl is the icing on the cake of regret and poor decisions. There is a disappointment in his voice that is both sweet because it shows he cared about me, but annoying because we are peers. He is only a year older than I am, and therefore has no right to lecture me. It looks as though he’s about to launch into a fatherly speech. I’m not in the mood to be belittled tonight.

“Well why are
you
out here?” I ask, turning the accusation around on him. “I thought you’d be resting for the race.” I fold my arms over my chest and stare at him, waiting for an explanation. If the truck wasn’t so dark inside, he’d be able to see that my evil accusing glare is nothing more than a furrowed brow and pursed lips that wouldn’t intimidate a squirrel.

“I was asleep,” he says, shooting me a sideways smirk that almost wakes up the butterflies in my stomach. “Shelby called and asked me to check on you.”

Wind gushes in through the open window, causing my hair to tangle around my face. I fight with the unruly strands and force them to retreat behind my ears. I think back to the text I sent Shelby earlier tonight. I was only whining to her the way best friends are supposed to do. Did I really sound so distraught and needy that she had to call her brother to come take care of me?

Ash reaches across me and rolls up my window. “Thanks,” I say, finally getting my hair to settle back in place. He nods in reply and pushes a stray strand of hair behind my ear. I think I catch a glimmer of kindness in his eyes, but when he returns both hands to the steering wheel, his face becomes ridged once more.

“I had no idea you’d need this much checking up on,” he says.

“I’m fine, actually…Thanks.”

“Please explain to me why you were walking alone.”

I stare out the window and don’t answer. The muscles in his arms tighten as he grips the wheel. His anger makes me feel like apologizing but know I have no reason to be sorry to anyone, especially not Ash.

If I could conjure up a decent lie as to why I’m walking alone, I would use it. But when I’m around Ash, he is all I can think about. It’s similar to the mind-numbing effects Ryan has on me, only lately when I’m with him I still think about Ash. I hate that he is upset with me right now. I want to say something to make him happy, something that would make him turn into the guy who sat on the weight bench with me and stole my heart. But as I can’t think of anything besides the veins bulging in Ash’s forearms, I say nothing.

Finally, his voice softens. “Did someone hurt you?”

I shake my head in reply. He stops at an intersection and takes the opportunity to look at me instead of the road. Again, he pushes my hair behind my ear although it didn’t need it. His hand lingers on my cheek and I wrap my hand around his and pull it to my lap. I don’t know how long he will let me hold his hand since he needs it to drive, so I hold on tight for the time I do have.

“I just didn’t fit in with those people,” I mumble and gaze at his scarred hand. I turn it over and rub my finger across the calluses on the pad of his palm. They are rough to the touch and a sign of a true motocross racer.

“Yeah I heard a bunch of racers were having a party out there. I didn’t know you knew any of them,” he says. He shakes his head and adds, “You’re pretty shy; I can’t believe you went,” and chuckles to himself. I give him a sarcastic eye-roll and laugh with him, happy that his anger with me is fading.

He pulls his hand away after a few seconds. His face falls and the air thickens once again. He opens his mouth to speak and then closes it, unsure of what he was going to say or how he would say it. I watch him shift gears and start driving again. His eyes are pained and I can’t bring myself to ask what troubled thoughts swim around in his mind. He had come to check up on me and I am safe; what more could he be worried about?

 He turns onto County Road 41 and I realize we are almost at my house. The drive had taken half as long with Ash than it seems to take with Ryan.

Ash is still lost in thought as he turns into my driveway and stops several feet away from the garage. The better choice would have been to park in the horseshoe part of the driveway that has a sidewalk to the front door. Ash’s mind is noticeably heavy with other thoughts besides driving, so I don’t complain.

“Who did you go with?” he blurts out, revealing what had been on his mind.

I have a feeling he knows exactly who took me to the lake but the optimism in his eyes sends a chill down my spine as he waits for an answer, hoping his assumption is wrong. I have no choice but to tell him what he doesn’t want to hear. He cringes and lets his forehead drop to the steering wheel when I say Ryan’s name.

“I know you hate him Ash, but he’s nice to me,” I say. I push the dreadlocks out of his face and lean closer to look him in the eyes. He keeps his forehead pressed to the steering wheel but is generous enough to look at me sideways while I speak.

“He told me why ya’ll hate each other…about his brother…” I start. He doesn’t  react so I continue, “It just seems like a stupid reason to me. You should be friends.”

A smile spreads across his lips as he sits up. Then he reaches over and places two fingers on top of my shirt, where my heart is. My heartbeat is so quick now and his smile widens as he watches my pulse transfer to his fingertips.

“You see the good in people, Hana.” He pulls his hand away a moment later. “But I assume Ryan didn’t tell you about the years I spent trying to be his friend when all he did was think of ways to make my life hell.”

“How did he do that?”

Ash spreads his arms and gestured to the inside of his truck. “It’s easy when you’re the poor kid.”

His words tear through me and rip my heartstrings into pieces. Ash’s face holds the same sincerity it had the day his brother returned from the hospital. I know he’s serious. Looking back on it, Ash never seems to hate Ryan as much as Ryan hates Ash.

“I guess it’s only fitting that he would try to take the girl of my dreams away from me. That is, after all, a great way to ruin my happiness.” He yawns and stares at me through sleepy eyes. So now I am the girl of his dreams? Then why am I not his girlfriend?

“If I was the girl of your dreams, then you would have asked me out by now.” I cross my arms and wait for him to beg and grovel for forgiveness.

“I am not like Ryan,” he says, looking straight into my eyes. “If you want a guy like Ryan then you will forever be disappointed with a guy like me.”

“I want a guy like you,” I say. “I only went out with Ryan because it was obvious you weren’t interested in me.”

This amuses Ash and the half-smile he always wears when watching me talk becomes a full-faced grin.

“You’re amazing, Hana.” He throws his head back and sighs, staring at the ceiling. “It just hasn’t been the right timing.” He leans in like he wants to put his arm around me but doesn’t. “And I was waiting for the
perfect
timing.”

I sigh. Girls are supposed to be complicated, not guys. Ash is making everything so difficult. “When will that be? As far as I’m concerned, it’s always perfect timing.”

“I was thinking maybe after I win the Nationals…” He trails off, letting his thoughts consume him. The mention of Nationals makes anger I didn’t know I had boil up inside of me, begging to be unleashed. I take off my seat belt and throw open the door.

“God Ash, is everything about motocross?” I snap.

His eyes fly open and he makes an effort to grab my hand before I’m out of the truck but he isn’t fast enough. I stand next to the door and yell, as loudly as I can without waking up my parents, “You haven’t even practiced in weeks so what makes you think you can win? Ryan is really good.”

I slam the door and watch his face twist in the moonlight. I hurt him but they are words he needed to hear. He is delusional if he thinks he can win without practice.

Even the birds outside are silent. I stand here, letting the humid air between us thicken with each second. Not wanting to leave, and not wanting to end the night like this, I finally say something. “How are you supposed to ask me out when you can’t win?”

“Geez Hana, is everything about motocross?” Ash asks in a near whisper. Yes, I realize. Everything is about motocross. And as I stand in my driveway watching Ash’s heart resting on his sleeve, I know I have already jeopardized his chances of winning the race more than he had by not practicing.

I stare at my feet. My purple toe polish is chipped. This is going to hurt me more than it hurts him. “I told Ryan the secret track changes.”

“What?” Ash’s voice cracks. He takes a deep breath and rubs his heavy eyes.

“I’m sorry,” I stutter, “He tricked me, I swear.” I lean into the truck window. “Come inside and I’ll explain. I’ll tell you the secret too.”

He holds up his hand. “There is no way I’ll let your dad see you come home with me when you left with Ryan.”

“Then at least let me tell you the secret,” I say. Ash needs to know so he will have a fighting chance with Ryan tomorrow.

“Absolutely not.”

“Please,” I plead. Warm teardrops gather in the corners of my eyes. I will never forgive myself for telling Ryan the secret.

“I don’t need to cheat to win,” he says through clenched teeth. His face is cold, something I have never seen throughout the entire summer of getting to know him.

Defeated, I turn and take the first step toward my house. It’s a long walk before I would reach the front door and every step makes me wish Ash will call my name and stop me from leaving on terms like this.

A moment later, he does. He isn’t going to let me walk away after all. I walk in front of the glare from his headlights to his side of the truck, anxious for whatever he’s about to say. He steps out and we stand here, awkward but content with being together. He cups my face in his hands – they smell like engine grease.

The night is black and we are so far from the big cities that every star in the sky glimmers like a diamond. The moonlight reflects in his eyes and lips, illuminating the sorrow they hold. I can’t bring myself to look at him, knowing I caused the pain behind his eyes, so I keep mine closed and listen as he talks.

“I don’t need practice or cheats. I know how to ride and I know you don’t think so, but I will win the race tomorrow.” He lifts my face so our eyes meet. “And if I win the race, then I’m sure I’ll win the girl too.” He smiles and kisses my forehead. The feel of his lips should send tingles down my spine. I should go weak in the knees and swoon over every word he says. But he doesn’t have that effect on me because I had heard the same thing before only hours ago – from Ryan.