Mountains Wanted (9 page)

***

The next two months were
a whirlwind of lectures, grading, committee meetings, journal article editing,
and soccer games...punctuated by play dates with James. The weather was really
the best indicator of the passage of time, Sarah realized. She’d been so
absorbed in all her duties that she had nearly missed the changing of the
leaves. When she finally felt acclimated to fall, winter was starting to nip at
its heels. The leaves she shuffled through on her way to her office every
day were becoming increasingly brown and brittle. November was bringing
something else in addition to a chill in the air. It was reminding Sarah that
she needed to slow down and take stock of what was happening before she felt
out of control, a feeling she strived to avoid.

Reviewing the weeks that
had passed, Sarah had collected snapshots of all sorts of joyful moments she
wanted to pin up in her mental scrapbook. She’d have a picture of the
scarlet and gold leaves raining down onto campus beneath azure, cloud-wisped
skies. There’d be one capturing the thrill and exhilaration she and Owen
shared when he made his first goal in a soccer game. Also included would be a
photo from the Halloween party she and Rachel attended as Laverne and Shirley
from the 70’s sitcom, right down to the curvy “L” embroidered on Sarah’s shirt. Finally,
there’d be a candlelit still of James’ muscular frame hovered over her, propped
up on his wrists with his triceps bulging, her nails dug into his back as he
buried himself inside her, so deep that she cried out his name.

Every weekend James seemed
to pop up on Sarah’s agenda. There wasn’t much communication in the
interim, which Sarah had grown to expect. In many ways, she felt she knew
James’ body much more intimately than his mind. Some days, she felt that
was for the best. Other days, she had pangs of regret, wishing she’d pursued a
more traditional dating relationship rather than rushing into a friends with
benefits arrangement. Here was a man she was wildly physically attracted to,
moderately intrigued about intellectually, and she was finally at a point in
her life where she craved a deeper level of intimacy with someone of the
opposite sex. Everything had converged to a peak and yet conditions didn’t seem
right for climbing it.
It’s too late for that now though
, she conceded.
 
And besides, he is too young. It would never work
, she
rationalized.

Rachel had been a good,
if not cold and detached, sounding board for Sarah regarding her relationship
with James. Rachel was still recovering from her breakup with Mark, and was
extremely vocal in discouraging Sarah from forming an emotional attachment to
James. “He’s military,” she reasoned. “That means he’s not staying.” Sarah
couldn’t disagree, but every time she was with him she felt the pull was a
little stronger. Sometimes so strong that she considered just quitting while
she was ahead, moving on before there was no turning back. But something
compelled her to stay the course and she couldn’t quite put a finger on what it
was beyond the amazing sexual chemistry they had. She was fascinated by a story
yet told. It was only a matter of time before she discovered why it was that
James McAllister had come into her life.

He was seeming less like
a stranger though as time progressed, as she had learned a great deal more about
him during their pillow talk. Most nights he visited, they’d enjoy two or
three romps before finally collapsing from exhaustion and surrendering to
slumber. Although his recovery time was fairly short, he did seem to enjoy
conversing in between rounds. He was especially fond of totally catching
her off guard with a deeply philosophical or scientific question like “Do you
ever think it’s acceptable to kill a fellow human being?” Or, “Do you believe
in evolution?” They’d have fascinating exchanges on myriad topics which struck
Sarah as odd since it seemed that mediated communication during their time apart
was a huge challenge for him. She’d even teased him about it from time to
time, “So you
can
communicate,” she remarked one night after he’d
detailed a particularly long story for her. “Do you just save up all your words
for when you see me in person or what?”

James had given her one
of his trademark smirks in response. “I am not much for phone calls or
texting,” he replied. “I guess I just like the real thing so much better.”
And with that he lifted her chin and pressed his lips against hers, wrapping
his arm around her waist and pulling her down on top of him. “As usual I’m
right!  See how much better this is?”
How can I possibly argue with
that logic?
she had mused.  

That particular night as
she nestled into that deliciously comfortable spot in the crevice of his arm
with her cheek against his chest muscles, she started to probe a little more
deeply than she had before about his family and background. “Have you ever done
anything else besides the Army?” she asked.

“I wanted to,” he
responded. “I always wanted to be an engineer; as a matter of fact, that’s what
my degree is in.”

Sarah sensed a “but...”

“My dad really wanted me
to go into the military. There was quite a bit of pressure, to be honest. It’s
kind of family tradition...and well, my family is all about tradition,” he
explained, not seeming to object to the line of questioning.

“Oh yeah?”  Sarah
smirked. Her family was about the least traditional she’d ever known.  She
decided to not go there for the time being, preferring to play investigator a
bit more. She loved these moments that James let his guard down and allowed
himself to be vulnerable. She was putting his puzzle pieces together. “How
else is your family traditional?”

James sensed the hint of
sarcasm in her tone that she’d meant to disguise. “Well, Dr. Lynde, not
everyone has a hippy-trippy-love-child bearing, gay-son-loving mom like yours,”
he laughed.

Oh, apparently I have
told him a little about my family already. And he remembered.
 Interesting. Good thing I’m not easily offended,
she thought regarding his description of her
mother.

“My family is Irish
Catholic,” he continued. “I went to Catholic school. That should explain a
lot right there,” he offered and Sarah nodded, her hands lightly running up and
down his back, her fingernails gently grazing his skin. “My mom stayed
home and baked cookies. Dinner was on the table every night at 6 PM sharp. We
moved around a lot but wherever we went, things were the same. I think because
of the constant uprooting, my parents felt the need to have a lot of
consistency and stability at home.”

“Well, there’s nothing
wrong with that,” Sarah agreed. “Kids need routines. So how is it now,
with your family? Are you close?”

James looked thoughtful
for a moment, trying to come up with the right phrasing. “I love my family but
I’m my own person. I’m sure my mom would have me married off with a slew of kids
by now if she had her way. That’s kind of how it went with my sisters.”

“Really? Tell me
about them,” Sarah directed him. She sort of felt like the therapist and
her bed was her couch. Something told her the therapist is not supposed to
be in bed with the patient.  
Ah, but I’m not much for keeping with
tradition, right?
she answered her little internal voice.

“I’m the oldest, as you
know,” he started. “Patty is the middle child. She did have her wild days after
high school and she dropped out of college, but then she got really religious
and married this guy named John. He’s military too and they have four
kids.”

“FOUR?!” Sarah’s eyes
grew wide, knowing that if she was younger than James she couldn’t be more than
twenty-seven or so.

James laughed at her
reaction. “Yes, we like big families in the Midwest! She got married at
20, so in seven years she’s popped out four kids - despite my brother-in-law
being deployed so frequently. So, yeah four kids, that sounds about right for
the Bible Belt, doesn’t it? Wouldn’t be surprised if they had another before
it’s all said and done!”

“What about your youngest
sister?” Sarah questioned, growing more intrigued by the moment. She
considered her brother Adam and how he was unlikely to give her children any
cousins. It was hard to imagine a big, traditional family when she’d never
been part of one.

“Allie is twenty-five,”
James replied. “Married. One son, a daughter on the way around Christmas.”

“So you’re the black
sleep?” she observed. “The rebel who won’t settle down.”

He was quiet for a
moment, thinking about his role in his family. “Yeah, I guess so,” he
replied, his voice sounding distant. Something about that stuck with Sarah. She
felt there was a lot more he was holding back. Maybe someday she would get
to uncover it. She could unearth, a little at a time, like she was chipping
away at his story.
           
But
it’s James
, she rationalized. 
He’s
always holding back. Unless it’s sex. And then I get all of him.

***

“Mom, what does an
orgasm feel like?” Owen asked matter-of-factly as Sarah cleared the table of
breakfast dishes on a sunny Saturday morning.

Abby rolled her eyes but
said nothing. Usually she balked at any question her brother posed about sex or
bodily functions. Sarah took instant notice of her silence on the subject.

As for Owen, Sarah was
used to her son’s queries and didn’t seem the least bit shocked. She
delivered the most sensible and non-erotic answer she could think of, “You know
how it feels when you really need to sneeze and then you finally do?  And
it’s like ‘WHOA! I feel better?’ Kind of like a sense of relief but way, way better.
Your whole body feels pleasure that comes in waves, very intense and close
together at first, and then fading out after several seconds.”

“Oh,” Owen replied
thoughtfully, his dark eyes twinkling. “That sounds nice.”

“It is,” Sarah assured
him. She caught a glimpse out of the corner of her eye of Abby smirking from
behind her laptop. It had been a few months now since Sarah had found condoms
in her daughter’s room, condoms supposedly for a health class assignment. Sarah
was still rather skeptical, especially considering that Abby and Tyler seemed
to be quite the item. But since her daughter’s smart mouth had taken a
(possibly) temporary but wholeheartedly welcome reprieve, she was dressing more
femininely, and her grades were higher than ever, Sarah didn’t feel she could
complain. 
And if she is having sex, at least she knows how to put a
condom on a banana, right?
Sarah rationalized.

Sarah found it
interesting that as open as she was with her children that refrained from
posing the most difficult-to-answer questions. Yes, Owen liked to shock
his sister and attempt to surprise or stump his mother with his precocious sex
questions, but neither of her children ever probed into the family’s past,
especially as it pertained to their fathers. Sarah would have answered any
questions they had, but it seemed as if they sensed talking about it would be
very emotionally draining for her.
Perceptive kids,
she noted.
When
they’re older,
she promised herself,
I will explain everything. 
She
calculated how long it had been since either child had seen the only father
figure they’d known.
Three years?
she concluded, mentally shaking her
head in disgust.

Rachel was on her way
over for a girls day out which entailed pedicures while Abby watched the two
younger boys. Rachel was all aglow over a new love interest and hardly
mentioned Mark anymore, although she’d heard through a mutual friend that
things had quickly fizzled out with Ashley AKA “Porn Girl,” as Rachel had
dubbed her. Just as Sarah had predicted, Mark had made a couple of attempts at
reconciling with Rachel, but her wounds healed and her resolve strengthened,
she’d just ignored him. The New Guy was a musician, mid 30’s which made
him a little more mature and age-appropriate, and he had a four year old
daughter that he doted on fanatically. Sarah had met him at dinner the weekend
before and thought he was a good match for her friend. Rachel had harped on her
to invite James to join them, but Sarah just didn’t feel like they were ready
for that. After all, other than the two times they’d had coffee, they had
never been out in public together.

Sarah had tried to
explain to her friend the way things were with James, but Rachel didn’t
understand why Sarah didn’t push for more. Sarah felt like they had the
strangest dynamic she had ever experienced with a partner and she was worried
about losing him if she pushed too hard. It was a delicate balance. She
felt intensely connected to him when he was there, in her bedroom, where their
relationship lived. But outside of it, it was like she didn’t exist to
him. Yes there were a few texts here and there, but even though he was only
across campus from her, most of the time it seemed he was worlds away. And, in
spite of him spending one night a week or so in her bed, Sarah always questioned
whether it was the last time she would see him, especially considering how
often he spoke of deploying again.

To make her relationship
with James seem even more unusual, Sarah could now use her new, budding
relationship to contrast. It had all began very innocently and platonically
with a visiting professor from another country spending a lot of time hanging
out in her office, “shooting the shit” with her, which in academia involves tossing
out words like “paradigm” and “microcosm” and dropping names like “Foucault”
and “Kafka.” One night after a late class he invited her to dinner, and knowing
that her mother was dropping by to take the kids out for pizza, Sarah
graciously accepted his invitation.