Moving Forward (4 page)

He was sobbing by the time he finished, and I turned him in my arms, cradling him against my chest while he cried, and I allowed myself to shed a few tears along with him. It was all still so raw, so painful, and I wanted to tell him it would get better, but I suspected hearing that wouldn’t make the pain seem less agonizing in that moment. All I could do was hold him. He needed this chance to release some emotions, to fall apart a little, because Emma needed him to be there for her, and he wouldn’t be able to support her if he didn’t properly balance her needs with his own need to grieve for Ava and Matt.

Finally, the tears began to subside, and he lifted his head to look at me, his beautiful face wet with tears and something familiar in his blue eyes.

“Payne, I need you.” He whispered the admission, his hand fisted into my shirt, and I swallowed hard because the vulnerable and raw emotions churning inside of him called out to me. “Maybe that makes me horrible, wanting you now, but I… God, I need to feel more than grief and pain, and I….”

I captured those beautiful lips in a heated kiss, filled with passion and desperation, and Jamie responded, opening his mouth and shifting in my lap so he could better wrap his arms around my neck. He was trembling with need. And I knew just what it would take to satisfy that need. This wasn’t the time for leisurely lovemaking. Jamie craved something hard and passionate, the kind of coupling that was driven by pure need, and I was more than willing to give him just that. Whatever he wanted. Anything. I was just as zealous, wanting him—
needing him
—and I maneuvered us from the bed long enough to quickly strip Jamie and then myself, leaving clothing tossed carelessly to the floor.

Tangled together, we fell back onto the bed, and I kissed Jamie again in a clash of lips and tongue and teeth. It was a frantic kiss, and Jamie responded with enthusiasm.

“Love you, baby,” I whispered, kissing my way down his body, over his chest and stomach, paying close attention to the particularly sensitive patches along the way. I could feel him tremble beneath my touch, and I loved it. I loved turning him on, tasting him, and bringing him the pleasure he needed as my lips wrapped around his straining cock and Jamie tangled a hand eagerly in my hair while gasping my name. I knew it would not take long. He was too tense, too close to the edge, and I lifted my eyes so they were locked on his as my tongue snaked around him. I cupped his balls in one hand, rolling, gently tugging, doing all the things I knew he liked, and with a strangled cry, he came hard in my mouth, and I swallowed every drop with greedy delight.

The sound of Jamie whispering my name had me kissing my way up his body to claim his full lips with the intense hunger that always burned between us.

For the next hour, I showed him how much I loved him, again and again, giving him exactly what he needed.

James

The
following day was a blur of people coming and going: friends of Matt’s and Ava’s, coworkers, neighbors. There was a wonderful outpouring of comfort, and for my mother’s sake, I was grateful for it, but the endless parade of people left me unsettled. I wasn’t much for talking about my feelings with strangers, or with people who weren’t strangers. The only person I had ever truly opened up to with any success was Payne. It was okay to be vulnerable with him. If I cried, I did it on his shoulder, somewhere hidden away from prying eyes, and I did my best to appear emotionally sound when facing visitors and with my emotionally fragile mother.

I paid a visit to Matt’s parents. His father was indeed in bad condition, and his mother wasn’t much better, but she thanked me for handling the funeral arrangements and asked me to please keep her updated on Aubrey.

“I know your life is in New York,” she assured me, “and I think that Matt and Ava made a wise decision when they selected you and your husband to be Aubrey’s guardians.”

It meant a lot to me to hear her say that, but as I expected, others weren’t of the same opinion, and I found myself confronted by a cousin of my father’s later in the afternoon. The woman was positively outraged by the prospect of Payne and me raising Aubrey. It wasn’t right. It wasn’t natural. It was the same basically brainless argument every homophobic bigot spouted, and I ignored her for the most part, but I sensed that she was pushing Payne’s buttons, so I took his hand and we went upstairs to look in on Aubrey, who was sleeping peacefully. I still couldn’t believe we were now responsible for her. It was a huge responsibility. I knew we could handle it. I knew Payne loved Aubrey was much as I did, but it would require a great deal of adjustment, and while yes, we loved the little girl, the fact that she wouldn’t have any real memories of Ava and Matt chewed at me. It wasn’t fair. Ava had been so excited to become a mother, but in the end, she had only spent three short months with her baby daughter. The unfairness of it left a bitter taste in my mouth as Payne wrapped strong arms around me, and I leaned back in his always comforting embrace.

“I remember when this was Ava’s room,” he whispered in my ear, and I nodded, feeling nostalgic.

“Want to know a secret?” I asked.

“Of course.”

“I used to go crazy when you and Ava would come up here and close the door because I thought… well, you can only
imagine
what I thought you two were doing.”

“Were you jealous?”

“At the time, I wouldn’t have admitted I was jealous, not even under the threat of torture, but yeah, I was insanely jealous, and I couldn’t decide who I hated more.” I laughed at the memory. “It seemed so wrong that not only was Ava beautiful and graceful and Dad’s favorite child, she had the hottest boyfriend ever.”

“Hottest boyfriend ever, huh?”

“Please.” Though he couldn’t see it, I rolled my eyes. “As if you didn’t know you were freakin’ gorgeous, Every time I saw you, I had to hide behind a book or a piece of furniture to keep from totally humiliating myself.”

“Well, my love, let me assure you, whenever Ava and I were up here with the door closed, she was on the phone with Matt, or gushing about Matt, while I sat here and wished I was down the hallway, alone with you in your bedroom.”

“Really?”

“Jamie, I was crazy about you back then but too damn insecure with myself to do anything to let you know I came over here to be near you, not Ava.”

I turned in his arms and looked up at him. “We were both more than a little insecure back them, but I… I’m glad we finally figured it out, because I love you so damn much, Payne.”

“I love you too, Jamie.”

“If I ever lost you….” I shook my head, and Payne pulled me closer to him.

“Don’t do that. Okay? Don’t worry about losing me. Don’t think about all the bad things that could happen, because worrying like that will just drive you crazy, babe.”

I knew he was right, and I nodded as I laid my head against his chest for a few minutes, simply enjoying being close, wrapped in Payne’s arms.
I was safe
. Payne’s strength and his warmth soothed me, and I was about to tell him again that I loved him when there was a light knock on the door, and a second later, Mrs. Sutherland poked her head inside with an apologetic look. I started to smile and assure her she hadn’t interrupted anything, when she shocked me by calmly announcing that my father was downstairs in the kitchen. With my mother. And he wanted to see me.
What?
I looked back to Payne and noticed a slightly surprised look, along with a guilty shift of his eyes, and after Mrs. Sutherland slipped away, he admitted he had paid my father a visit the day before.

He hadn’t mentioned it earlier because he hadn’t wanted to upset me more, and I smiled. “You went to see him so I didn’t have to, and I love you for wanting to protect me.”

“Well, I know what an ass he can be, and I have to admit, it wasn’t exactly a pleasant conversation.”

“He was drunk?”

“He wasn’t quite drunk, but he was drinking, and I pretty much told him he was a miserable old bastard and you were a better man than he will ever be.”

“I’m almost sorry I missed that.” I brushed a kiss over his lips and he smiled. “Thank you for doing that for me, but now he wants to see me, and while I can’t say I look forward to a conversation with him, I’m not going to hide away.”
Never again. Ever
.

If my father had a problem with me, that was something he would have to live with. That I had decided long ago, and while I was a little apprehensive as Payne and I went downstairs, hand in hand, I wasn’t terrified the way I had been during my teenage years when facing an encounter with my always unhappy and disapproving father. I was an adult now. A successful and happy adult with a career I loved, a husband I adored. Nothing my father did or said had the power to change that. I kept all of that firmly in mind as Payne and I reached the kitchen, to find my mother standing by the sink, looking tense, and my father sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.

He looked relatively sober and clean. His eyes were red, and he was somewhat pale, but at least he didn’t look as if he were coming off a two-day bender.

For a moment, the four of us—me, Payne, my mother, and my father—lingered in a silence that wasn’t exactly comfortable. I noted that Mrs. Sutherland wasn’t in the room. She had obviously decided we needed time alone, and honestly, I envied the freedom she’d had to escape the undeniable tension.
I need you now, Ava,
I thought
. God, but you were the only one who knew how to break the tension when we were all stuck together like this
. I could almost hear Ava answer back, telling me to suck it up, damn it, and I squeezed Payne’s hand to assure him that I was okay and ready to face whatever it was Russ Truman had come here to say.

The sound of my father clearing his throat shattered the silence, and I looked at him directly. “I would like a moment alone with Jamie, if that’s possible.”

“No chance in hell.” Payne growled.

“It’s okay.” I glanced at my husband, and I could see the worry in his beautiful eyes.

“Jamie….”

“For God’s sake, I want to speak to my son!” my father snapped in clear annoyance, and the sound of him raising his voice made me jump a little, which Payne noticed.

“Your son?
Your son?
Now he’s your son?” I had expected Payne to erupt, but instead, my usually calm mother was suddenly shouting and glaring at my father. “You son-of-a-bitch! You selfish, drunken, son-of-a-bitch! How dare you? How dare you came in here and act like you have a right to speak to my son?
My son!
You long ago lost the right to call Jamie
your son,
and… you never treated him like he was a son, and I admit, I allowed you to get away with a lot of shit, Russ, but I won’t allow you to ever hurt
my son
again.”

She was trembling in anger, and I went to her side quickly, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder while casting a glance at Payne, who looked just as shocked as I felt by my mother’s fury-filled outburst. It was so unlike her. I had never heard her curse before, and at any other time, it might have amused me, but at the moment, we were all emotionally raw and on edge. I knew I needed to get her someplace where she could calm down, and I needed to deal with whatever my father felt he needed to say to me after years of silence.

“Payne, please take my mom upstairs.” I looked at him, aware he didn’t want to leave me alone with my father, but my eyes begged him, and he finally sighed.

“Come on, Emma, let’s go upstairs and look in on Aubrey.” He took my mother’s hand, and she glanced at me, clearly as uncertain as Payne was about leaving me to face dear ol’ dad on my own.

“It’s okay, Mom. Really. Go with Payne. I bet Aubrey’s waking up from her nap, and she’ll want some cuddles.”

Still hesitant, she allowed Payne to guide her from the room, but before disappearing up the stairs with my mother, Payne glared at Russ, and then he looked at me and mouthed “love you,” and that was enough to reassure me.

When they were gone, I turned to my father, who was still seated at the table.

“He loves you.” It was a statement, rather than a question, but I was surprised to hear my father—bigot extraordinaire—make such an observation. “And it’s damn obvious you love him.” A hint of a smile danced over his face. “You look at him the way your mother used to look at me and… well, it’s been a long time since I gave her cause to look at me like I was the center of her world.”

It was another shocking and unexpected admission, and I didn’t know how to respond to it, so I stayed silent, sitting down at the opposite end of the kitchen table. The sturdy piece of furniture seemed to nicely represent the chasm that had always existed between us.
Always
. If he and I had ever been close, I couldn’t remember it. We may have shared the same blood, but we were strangers in every way that mattered, and sitting there, in another stretch of silence, I couldn’t imagine that would ever or could ever change.

“So, you know Payne came and found me yesterday.” His attention was focused on his coffee.

I sighed. “Yeah. He told me. You were at Griffin’s Pub.”

“I spend a lot of time there.”

“I’ve heard.”

“From your mother?”

“And… and Ava.” I cleared my throat. “She was worried about you, and she would talk to me sometimes.”

“Ava tried lots of times to get me to admit I have a problem, but you know me.”

“No. No, I don’t know you.” Despite my efforts, there was a hint of bitterness in my words.

“James—”

“I never knew you as anything more than a man who looked at me and saw the biggest mistake he had ever made.” Hating the tears that burned my eyes, I looked away from him. “I sucked at every sport, and I wasn’t… I wasn’t the son you dreamed about having. You resented me for that, and I spent years feeling like a failure. A fuck-up. I spent a lot of years telling myself I hated Payne because he was what you wanted in a son, but then you found out he was gay too, and I finally realized that even if I had been some All-American Athlete, you would have still been disappointed and hateful the moment you found out that I was homosexual.”