Moving in Rhythm (7 page)

He read it through and printed it out before he could stop himself. Rummaging through a drawer he found an envelope, scribbled Seth’s name on the front, slipped in the letter and sealed it up. He flopped back on the bed. Problem solved. He wouldn’t need to talk to Seth because after reading the letter, Seth was likely to avoid Mark like he had a communicable disease. Nah, just a communication disease.

Mark pulled the top book off his stack and began to read.

Mark stood outside the gym doors, waiting impatiently as the young receptionist unbolted.

She smiled, opening the door. “Good morning. You can’t bring your dog in here, you know.”

He held up the letter. “Yeah, we’re just passing by. Could you get this to Seth Miller, please?”

She nodded and held out her hand.

Mark paused for a moment then thrust it at her, spun on his heels and trotted with Belle back toward the house. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d skipped a workout, but he wanted to be home in case Lisa needed anything. After all, that was why he’d come to town.

He fed Belle, took cereal into Grace, who was engrossed in cartoons, made coffee, checked in on his classes and paced until Claire appeared.

“Good morning.” She smiled. “Did you sleep well?”

He grimaced. “What kind of brother would I be if I slept well last night?”

She smiled. “The kind who would be rested today?”

“I’ll be fine. How’s Lisa?” Mark gestured toward the coffeepot. Claire nodded and he poured her a cup.

She shrugged. “Sleeping. In about half an hour I’ll wake her, see how she’s doing. Then we can head out. Her doctor said she could come in right away. The clinic opens at eight.”

“Tell me again how bad this might be.” Mark sipped his coffee and watched Claire carefully.

“Well, the worst case is that you’ll be an uncle sooner than later. That little boy is already old enough to survive outside the womb, with a lot of medical support. But my guess is the doc will send her home with instructions to take it easy and prepare herself for the possibility of a C-section.” She sipped her coffee and looked at him. “In any event, no more Zumba for the next couple of months.”

“Thank God for that.” Mark sat back in the kitchen chair, legs stretched before him.

Claire raised an eyebrow. “Methinks she doth protest too much.”

He grinned. “Maybe. But before I can contemplate anything with Seth, I need to spend some time figuring out where I want to stand in respect to that closet door.”

She smiled. “So, how did your bookstore adventure go yesterday?”

Mark jumped up. “You want some breakfast? I’m starved.”

“Sure, I’d love some. Does that mean it went badly? I had the impression when you came in that everything was fine.”

“It was. It’s hard to explain.” Mark opened the fridge and peered in. “I didn’t react that badly. Maybe it’s that I’m so used to being scared all the time. I was nervous, sure—” he pulled out eggs and butter, “—but it was a manageable fear. Scrambled okay? When I checked out I was sort of apprehensive but I didn’t worry my heart was going to explode. And that was such a relief.”

Claire frowned. “Living that way all the time must be really hard.”

He paused, his hand halfway into the bread wrapper. “I guess. It’s what I’m used to. I don’t know where I’m going yet with the whole gay-pride thing, but it looks like coming out might be easier than most things in my life.”

Claire leaned back in her chair and studied him. “Can I ask you something?”

Mark busied himself with a pan and butter before answering. “Sure.”

“Why are you only now getting around to this? I mean, most guys get through the ‘I’m gay, deal with it’ phase in their teens or early twenties.”

Mark shrugged. “Guess I’m a late bloomer.” He cracked eggs into a bowl and whisked. “To be truthful, I’ve known about myself for years. But you’re right—not telling anyone else is pretty odd. Last night I was thinking about it and it may be that I was waiting until after my dad was gone.”

Claire’s voice was soft behind him. “He wouldn’t have approved?”

Mark snorted. “He would have disowned me. Macho ex-army guy. Proudest day of his life was when Pete signed up. It would have killed him.”

“Ah.”

Mark cooked in silence, remembering how his father used to make pancakes for the boys on quiet Sunday mornings and watch football with them all afternoon. “Don’t get me wrong. He was a good dad. Raised us on his own and did his best. But he had his idea of how a man ought to act and it didn’t include making out with other guys.” He slid a plate of eggs in front of Claire.

She sniffed appreciatively. “This smells great. So did he ever, I don’t know, catch you?”

Mark scooped the remaining eggs onto his own plate and plopped more bread in the toaster. “No. I didn’t start messing around until I was in college, and even then I was nothing if not discreet. And my inability to start a real relationship has made it seem sort of pointless and possibly hurtful to tell my family.”

“And now? These eggs are good, by the way.” She forked a mouthful.

“Thanks. And now I don’t know.” He grinned. “Other than Pete and Lisa there’s no family to tell. But I’m still not ready. I have a lot of reading to do.”

Claire nodded. “Glad I could be of assistance.” She finished her breakfast and looked at the clock. “I need to check on Lisa. Are you driving?”

“Uh-huh. I’ll clean up while you get her ready. Then you and Grace can get on with your day.”

* * *

“Do you want me to come in with you?” Mark asked as the male nurse called Lisa’s name.

She bit her lower lip. “Please. I know it’s weird but I really could use the company.”

Mark nodded and followed her into the examining room where the nurse, a slight blond man whose gaze caught Mark’s for a few seconds longer than necessary, ushered them in. His nametag read “James” and he smiled sympathetically at Lisa as he took her blood pressure and temperature.

“Here’s a gown, honey.” James held out a giant pink hospital wrap. “You get changed and the doctor will be right in.” He bustled out. Mark cleared his throat. “I’ll, um, wait outside. Let me know when you’re ready.”

Lisa nodded tiredly and Mark escaped into the hall.

James stood at the counter filling out paperwork. He looked up when Mark emerged. “Everything okay?”

Mark nodded. “Yeah, she’s just changing.”

James’s eyebrows arched. He gave Mark another of those long looks. “Brother?” He asked finally.

“In-law.”

James’s smile broadened.

Mark jumped at the sharp rap on the door behind him. He opened it and slipped in. After helping Lisa onto the table, Mark sank into a chair. He’d stayed up half the night reading. Was “gay” stamped on his forehead now? James evidently thought so.

Lisa’s OBGYN, a tall woman somewhere in her fifties, bristled with energy and goodwill. Mark held Lisa’s hand as a short blond woman rolled in an ultrasound and together, Mark and Lisa watched the image swim into focus. The baby sucked one thumb, the other hand balled at the side of his head.

“He’s fine,” the doctor finally pronounced. “The only problem is that the placenta is covering your cervix. That’s where the bleeding’s coming from. I’m afraid we may have to do a cesarean when the time comes. Until then you’ll need to limit your activity. I’m not recommending bedrest right now, but don’t overdo.” She turned toward Mark. “You look like a big, strong guy. Make sure she doesn’t do any lifting, stays off her feet as much as possible and takes it easy.” She smiled at Lisa. “Enjoy the time off—you’ll be busy soon enough.”

And with that the room emptied. Mark helped Lisa off the table and stepped into the hallway to let her dress.

James appeared immediately. “Maybe we can get together sometime,” he murmured, pressing a card into Mark’s hand. Before Mark could answer he was gone.

* * *

Mark settled Lisa at the kitchen table with her feet up. He put on tea water, brought in her laptop and a novel. Peering into the fridge he grunted. “As soon as your tea is ready I’m going to the grocery. We’re out of everything. Any special requests?”

“Chocolate and lots of it. And cheese. I’d kill for some cheese.” Her fingers clicked along the keyboard. “Hey, Pete’s online.” Within seconds an exhausted-looking Pete filled Lisa’s screen.

Mark felt a wash of relief. He hadn’t been aware of how Pete’s silence had been bothering him but now he found himself grinning wildly.

“Hi, guys.” Pete’s lips and image didn’t quite sync but his smile matched Lisa’s and probably Mark’s own.

Mark glanced at his watch. It must be the middle of the night there.

Lisa babbled about the ultrasound, evidently too caught up in the sight of their child to mention the pregnancy complications.

Mark pitched in with, “He’s a thumb sucker just like you.”

Pete smiled tiredly. “I’m so glad you’re there taking care of my girl. Thanks.”

Mark’s eyes burned and his heart swelled. “No problem.” The teapot whistled. Mark dived for it, poured Lisa’s tea and waved to Pete as he set it beside her. “Hey, I’m gonna get out of here, give you two some privacy.”

“Wait I need to tell you both something.”

One look at his brother’s face told Mark it wasn’t good news. He nodded at the screen.

Pete took a deep breath. “It’s nothing to get too worried about, but you should know I’ve been transferred.”

“Kandahar,” Lisa breathed.

Pete nodded. “Evidently my skills are needed here. That’s why I was out of communication for so long. I’ve been on the road.” A pained look crossed his face. “It’s a hell of a road. But I’m here now and I’m relatively safe. It’s a state-of-the-art facility. We’re walled in and protected.”

Lisa was blinking furiously.

Mark put a hand on her shoulder and tried to smile at Pete. “You always were a center-of-the-action kind of guy.”

Pete snorted. “The action I’d like to be at the center of is right there with you. It means a lot to me that you’re there for us, bro.”

Mark nodded. He was not going to cry in front of Pete. Not now when both of them needed him to be strong. He squeezed Lisa’s shoulder and grinned at Pete. “I’m expecting you home before the diapers need changing. Now I’ve got groceries to buy. I don’t need to stick around and hear you two getting all mushy. So stay safe, will ya?”

“Will do.” Pete grinned. “You too.”

Belle bounced out behind Mark like going to the grocery was the most exciting event of her morning. Mark followed more slowly, trying to convince himself that the military was likely to do everything they could to keep his precious brother safe.

By the time he returned from the store Lisa was napping on the couch. Mark put away groceries as quietly as possible and retreated to his room. He had hours of work to catch up on. Halfway through grading student papers the computer dinged to let him know he had incoming mail. He prided himself on his quick turnaround with student questions. It was the thing that students commented on most often in course evaluations. Even though he never met them in person, answering their questions promptly let them know he still cared.

Before clicking open his email he reviewed the week’s assignment so he’d be prepared to address the problem.

But the email wasn’t coming from a student address. The address read [email protected]. He clicked it open.

Mark, Thanks for the letter. You two really do look alike. Amazing. How’s Lisa? Claire said there were problems? Take care, Seth

Mark read the message three times. His heart pounded. He stared at the screen. Was it an invitation? Or was Seth simply concerned about Claire? And there was nothing about Mark’s revelation of his condition. Had Seth read that? Was he too disgusted to mention it?

He scanned the email again, searching for hidden meaning, but he couldn’t find anything.

Finally Mark decided to write a short note in response, telling Seth that Lisa was fine but wouldn’t be going to Zumba anytime soon. He hit send and went back to grading papers.

This time when the computer dinged he felt it all the way to his toes.

Hey, that’s great that she’s okay. How are you? Must be tough being the hand-holder, especially when it pushes you out of your comfort zone. I bet Lisa is really grateful you’re here. Seth

Mark stared, touched by Seth’s attempt to reach out over the barrier of Mark’s neuroses. Mark typed a slightly longer reply, talking about the difference between his life at home and his new life in Lacland, how he missed his private time but also how good it felt to have Pete glad he was here. Reading it over again before pressing Send, Mark was struck by how confiding in people seemed to be a skill he was only now acquiring.

He’d finished grading papers and begun to panic that he’d gone too far by the time Seth’s reply came.

Hi, I don’t know if this is the same sort of thing or not but when I first got to town I had to make some real adjustments. First, I’d been dancing with a pretty high-powered troupe in Chicago and injured myself, which pretty much ended my professional career. Second, I’d been living in big cities all my life and learning the rhythms of a smaller place took some getting used to. Third, I was licking my wounds—my career wasn’t the only thing that ended with my move. It took a long time to sort all that out, but now I’m happy. Still single, but I’m dancing again with a semipro group here and I’ve learned to like this community. Maybe you will too. Seth.

Mark read the message through several times. He thought of his father playing a fish on the line during their northern Michigan vacations. It looked like Seth was doing the same thing, giving Mark a way to get to know him without freaking out. While it stung his pride a little to be so transparent, excitement stirred low in his belly.

Seth wasn’t backing off. He was playing out the line and letting Mark choose to come closer. Mark surrendered himself to it, a part of him so hungry for contact that he was willing to try anything to get it.

He wrote Seth a long letter about his nascent coming out, describing Ruth’s bookstore suggestion and detailing exactly how that went down. He ended with: Maybe I’m projecting my dad’s homophobia onto Pete, but I’m having trouble imagining how I would ever tell him. Of course, until I’m in some kind of relationship I guess it’s a moot point.

He stared at that last sentence for a long time. Did it look like he was fishing? Was he? Finally he pressed Send. Nothing ventured, nothing…
Oh, shit
. Well, he couldn’t very well unsend the thing. He returned to grading, feeling miserable and exposed.

He came back from a run with Belle to find a response.

Coming out is always a bitch, although I have to admit I had it easy with my family. No one was surprised. I guess when you have a son who always steals his sister’s tutus and lives for dance, you begin to suspect that a daughter-in-law isn’t in your future. My family is pretty cool with it now. But then, there are six of us kids, and two of my sisters seem intent on populating the world with grandchildren, so it’s probably easier for them. Still, I have to give them credit. They’re great parents.

Mark studied Seth’s notes with a concentration he hadn’t experienced since graduate school. He wanted to memorize every word. He lay back on the bed and closed his eyes, picturing Seth as a young curly-haired kid in a tutu, probably a gap-toothed smile. Six kids would have made for a noisy household, very different from his own quiet childhood. He and Pete had rarely talked—probably a guy thing. They’d somehow always known the basics, when the other was hungry or tired or angry and hadn’t needed too many words. Some brothers spend all their time together but not them. Pete had his own friends and Mark—well, Mark always had a dog.

Their dad worked a lot and Pete liked to hang out at his friends’ houses, where there were moms who served cookies and lemonade to hordes of hungry boys. Mark couldn’t quite imagine what Seth’s early life had been like. It sounded both wondrous and terrifying, like Niagara Falls or the Grand Canyon.

He replied: My mom died when I was very young, so it was just my dad, Pete and me. We called ourselves the three musketeers but it wasn’t exactly all for one and one for all. Dad’s gone now. Pete and Lisa are the only family I have. Until now we haven’t been really close, except that I can’t imagine life without him and it’s probably the same for him. I’m his scared and silent other half and he’s the brave, outgoing part of my soul. As long as he’s out there I don’t have to feel quite so much of a failure. Was he really going to send that to Seth? Evidently so.

He checked his classes once more before ambling out to the kitchen to fill Belle’s bowl and start dinner. The front door banged shut behind her last student and Lisa waddled in from the living room, plopping into a chair.

“I’m not sure how much longer I can do this,” she announced. “My back is killing me.”

Mark scavenged a pillow and wedged it behind her. “Maybe this will help.”

“Thanks.” She sighed. “I’ll be so glad when this is over.”

Mark grinned. “From what I hear it doesn’t get much easier.”

She glared at him. “You try carrying a ten-pound basketball around all the time and then you can talk.”

He held up his hands. “Whoa. Sorry. What can I do?”

She smiled. “I was hoping you’d ask. Claire called this afternoon. She’s starting a birthing class and wanted to know if we were interested.”

“We? I thought we just established that I’m not the pregnant one.”

She grimaced. “We, as in the mother, that’s me, and her birth coach, that’s you.”

“Birth coach?” Mark’s voice shot up an octave. “You mean, like, be there when…” He shook his head. “No, no, I can’t do that.”

Lisa rolled her eyes. “Yes, you can. Don’t worry, you’ll be up by my head and won’t have to see the icky bits.”

He blinked at her for a moment then realized she probably meant the blood and fluids and whatever. Yes, those were definitely things he wasn’t interested in seeing.

Lisa rushed on. “Please, Mark, I really need you to do this. It’s what Pete would do if he were here.”

Clearly there were many things Pete would do if he were here that Mark had no intention of doing, ever. Still, it was a reasonable request. He sighed. “You win. But I can’t promise not to faint.”

“I’m sure you wouldn’t be the first.” She reached out and squeezed his hand. “Knowing Pete’s safe, it’s like Christmas, isn’t it?”

He grinned and squeezed back. “Yeah, it is.”

She rubbed her gigantic belly. “Life is so precious, even the little moments. We can’t waste any of it, can we?”

Mark snorted. “Now you sound like a Hallmark card.”

Lisa shook her head. “Guess I do. But everything’s like a miracle right now. Don’t you ever feel that way?”

Mark fought against the image of Seth that floated into his mind. He smiled down at his sister-in-law. “Yeah. I guess sometimes I do.”